Tuesday, November 30, 2004

lonely planets, ivory moons

On our last night in Baguio, the moon was a waxing white ivory.
Lord of the eternal black sky.

E ano pa nga ba ang nasa isip ko ngayon? Isang hakbang na lang ng bilog na buwan, Disyembre na. Di ko naman masabing depressed ako (I'll leave that word to Beatlebum).

Wistful lang. A little lonely, maybe. But definitely not depressed.

I'm glad I know what I want. So far, at least. How many people my age have griped about being lost in this maze of endless possibilities? I should thank God that I know what to dream for. I should be grateful for the fire that's carrying me through each and every adventure.

Thank you, Lord.

Despite everything, one thought insists itself upon my consciousness: when I die, I would want to be remembered as a good person, above everything else. Fifty, forty, thirty years from now.

I still miss my gay lola. But each day that passes, pawala nang pawala. Without effort from me at all. I guess that's just the natural trajectory of things.

I hate admitting this to myself. My "crush" history shows a pattern of me tending to fall for gay men. Last night Beatlebum dropped two little cherry bombshells on me: "Pink, M-- and G-- (both of whom my former crushes) are gay. What's wrong with you?" That made me laugh. T

"pre-christmas syndrome" mah a$$!

We are all transients in each other's lives.
Passing through, like ghosts,
touching each other for a moment or longer
til the next train comes.

Lots of things I can't stand tonight. The pre-Christmas chill. That mushy "Because of You" song playing on the radio. The so-obviously-in-love internet owner singing along with it. Public displays of affection between strangers (i.e. liplocking in public). Papaitan ang ulam namin kanina. Nag-Ampalaya herbs rin ako pagkatapos. Kataka-taka pa ba...?! Hahaha.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Blame it on the Ivory Moon...

We are all transients in each other's lives.
Touching, like ghosts,
While waiting for the next train to come.

Friday, November 19, 2004

the city of pines in november

It's my first night in Baguio and there are five major things in my mind right now:
1. I'm really happy that, for the first time in my young career as script continuity supervisor, I'm being made to do things that are truly creative. Really appreciate that, Direk Cholo...I promise not to let you down.
2. So much to do for our seven-day marathon shoot here and don't even ask me to list them all down...good thing is I'm actually looking forward to getting things done. And done well, of course!
3. I really really need to pee right now.
4. I hope my slight headache goes away. I need to be in good shape tomorrow.
5. I miss my gay lola. Haven't seen him in a long time. I wonder what he's busy with right now. In this job, you have no roots. You only have temporary families. You're a drifter from project to project and people are most often mere transients in your life. For two months or three you work together but when the project's over it's bye-bye, see you around, have a nice life. It's kinda lonely. Compared to having a regular job where you get to work with the same people every single day for as long as you have that job.
5a. I miss you, my gay lola. I'm going to get over you soon, I know. This is the familiar post-infatuation phase. I won't be seeing you anymore...maybe the next time would be a long time from now, so I guess I'm seeing the end to this chapter. The sadness, the bitterness, the sourgraping feelings have significantly dissipated..now I'm just wallowing in the more pleasant memories.
5b. See you when I see you. Hope I can work with you again soon. By that time, though, it wouldn't mean as much to me as it would now. That's another fact of life: blessing usually come a little too late.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

I know the work should always be on top of my priority list. And it is.

I know I shouldn't feel too bad that you deleted our mutual testimonials to each other on Fwendster. I shouldn't feel so bad that it would distract me from my work. I'm here for the job, brother, and everything else is just incidental.

I sent you a message. "Burahin ba ang testi ko sa Frndstr? : ) Galet kpa dong?" I know I shouldn't expect you to reply. What would you reply, anyway? What would you say? I shouldn't have sent that message, shouldn't have asked, but I'm dying to know WHY, for God's sake, what did I do that made you do it?

Ang babaw, bro, I know. Ang babaw at naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Ang babaw ko para maapektuhan nang ganito. It should be about the work. It should be about career. It should be about my dreams. Everything and everyone else is incidental, and should never be a hindrance to the master plan.

What would you reply, anyway? If you would reply it would be something really plastik. The question was hard to answer. A text message wouldn't do at all. Nothing would probably do at all. You hate me. And I hate myself, because it matters so much that you hate me.

I've come to consider you a friend, bro. What's happening now? Have i been too transparent? Did my anger and pain show the night of November 4, when I could sense you flirting with the Korean-looking talent manager? Was that what made you mad, mad enough to try to hurt me?

Masyado naman akong nagfi-feeling na mag-assume na ganun ako ka-importante sa yo that you did that deliberately to hurt me. I was never anything but a co-worker, right. Just as you should be to me. I was always just in the periphery. I was never above a mere spot on your camera lens.

Did you sense my coldness, in an effort to try to remove whatever I'm feeling towards you, because you are what you are and I can never be anything but just a damn girl to you? Did you sense that I knew what you were up to when you were talking to that guy, and that I was bleeding inside just seeing you in action?

Bakit, bro? Bakit ka galit sa kin? The work is important. The dream is important. But right now there's nothing in the world that I want more than to hear your side. Because of two gawddang deleted testimonials.

Tumatanda yata ako nang paurong.

Monday, November 01, 2004

And a Gay Halloween to You, Too

Last night's itinerary:
1. Videoke with friends at some newbie bar near Malate. We sang ourselves hoarse. Halloween wouldn't be fun without the howling.
2. Malate trip, Part 2. After last year's first-time trek, we were at it again. This time, though, the streets were strangely empty of the Halloween crowd we had been expecting. It was 2 in the morning...could Malate be dying?
2.1. Inside BED. My first time inside a gay bar. My gawd. For the three hours that we were inside, it felt like the universe was composed entirely of gay men--the modern-day masculinely-dressed breed, mind you. Nilangaw ang beauty ko. Hahaha.

Happy Halloween, folks. Will be trooping to the cemetary today for an overnight with Lolo.