angst-spewing is actually healthy (especially during christmas)

post-christmas blues.
argh.

i saw ces@r mont@no's movie "l1gal1g" tonight with waterfowl. an annoying hollywood movie ripoff. i shouldn't have believed a certain someone's rants-and-raves about this film. that was somekinduva stupid blind leap of faith on my part, not to mention a few hundred bucks down the drain. and yes, annoyance. at myself. for having believed.

yan kasi ang problema sa yo. madali kang naniniwala.
despite your penchant for overanalyzing, you are still, in deep, a naive dope.

well. in fairness maganda ang pagkailaw sa pelikula. maganda ang editing. bow ako sa technical polish ng film, although madalas nagiging uber-glossy to the point of pretentiousness. masyadong nagpapaka-film noir, right down to the textbook elements of the genre (the smoke, the low-key lighting, the dingy rooms, the crimes and the cops, the classic femme fatale, etc). dun pa lang, nakakainis na. kasi gaya-gaya, at parang naligaw sa maling kultura ang mga gumawa ng pelikula.

pero forgivable pa yon. kasi maganda namang tingnan. ano na nga lang ba ang orihinal sa mundong ito. ibigay na natin ang credit sa kagalingang mag-ripoff ng classic Film Noir look, Hollywood Style. aba, talent din yon. siguro tumaas lang talaga nang todo ang expectations ko. dahil sabi ng idol kong si Direk, "one of the best films of 2006" daw ang pelikulang ito, and that the best director award this year should go to Ces@r. pero hindi ko talaga mapatawad ang supposedly shocking twist sa storya. 1/2 into the movie hindi ko na inentertain yung possibility na baka ganon nga ang twist kasi it was the most obvious, the most predictable, and the most ludicrous. ehe. medyo na-overestimate ko yata ang sensibilities ng mga gumawa.

ang sama ko ano. mahirap gumawa ng pelikula, logistically. mahirap mag-mount ng isang produksyon. pero kung gagawa ka na rin lang ng pelikulang mahirap i-mount, sana naman may laman. sana naman kahit papano paglabas ng tao sa sinehan, meron silang dadalhing thought-provoking insight na ibinahagi ng pelikula mo. i came into the theater expecting my life to be changed. haha. exaggeration, pero some brilliant films can do that to you. maiiba ang thinking mo, magkakaroon ka ng bagong punto-de-bista sa mundong ginagalawan mo. well, i expected the wrong things. entertainment at audiovisual style lang pala ang maio-offer ng "l1gal1g" ni ces@r mont@no. pero on second thought, hindi rin ako masyadong naaliw. nainis pa ko.

hay.
what a sad world.
pati pelikula, napapagdiskitahan ko.
kasi naman. sana hindi na lang ako naniwala.

kay Direk.

sa yo.

lagi na lang akong naniniwala. what is wrong with me.
naiinis ako sa ending ng KKK. kasi naging tanga ang babae sa huli.
ayokong maging tanga na naman. lagi na lang akong natatanga pag nagsimula na kong maniwala.

words are cheap. and people like you would say what you think i'd want to hear.

because words won't answer my questions. and for as long as they're not confronted, they will always be at the back of my mind. at dahil hindi ko magagawang itanong nang diretso, kailangan kong mag-supply ng sarili kong mga sagot.

it's frustrating.
annoying. distracting. exasperating.
cause i don't like my answers to my own questions.
i am hounded by ugly thoughts. i go on gabriela mode. i want to curse your kind til kingdom come, irrational a reaction as that might be.

hay. ayoko ng feeling na ganito.
destabilized. depokado.
mas gugustuhin ko pa yatang wala nang paniwalaan at wala nang maramdaman.
or maybe i need a diluter.
someone, anyone, to save me from myself.

kainis. merry christmas.

because life is like a j0ey r3yes movie

2 days before christmas.

still have a bunch of other stuff to tell, little movie-ish incidents from the past several days that i just have to write outta me, but two events that happened last night are simply begging to be told...as far as my current state-of-mind is concerned.

masaya kasi ko ngayon. so here goes.

first event, i was at the movie premiere of the new Judy Ann-Ryan Agoncillo movie last night, that MMFF domesticomedy directed by J0ey R3yes. in fairness, maganda sya. funny, witty, insightful, never a dull moment. trademark J0ey Reyes. pero may comment lang ako sa ending.

(oops, slight spoilers ahead!)

in the movie, wife is 9 months pregnant and she catches her husband redhanded with another woman. she separates with him, he goes after her--not to apologize, but to point out to her kung bakit "tumikim sya ng ibang ulam". the incident ends with the girl giving birth. at the hospital bed, after delivery, after a heartfelt "sorry" from hubby dearie (and a "crying daddy" moment with the newborn baby), wifey--purportedly a headstrong woman, as the movie has built her up to be--finds her resolve crumbling. she falls into a kiss with hubby. the end.

as a viewer, it didn't bother me at all. na-carry naman ng pelikula yung ending na ganon. pero as a person, siguro kung ako si jud@i, hindi pa matatapos ang pelikula don. hello? nahuli mo yung lalake na pinipindeho ka habang buntis ka? tapos konting sorry, konting iyak, may-i-melt-in-his-arms ka na agad?

ehe. para naman kasing ganon kadaling ibalik ang nawala di ba. tiwala ang nawala, at kung ikaw ang tipong hirap na hirap magtiwala at finally eh napaniwala na, only to end up duped in the end, ang hirap naman yata ng ganong resolution sa kwento. masyadong madali para sa lalake.

pero ako lang yon. like i said, na-carry naman ng pelikula ang semi-instant reconciliation. kasi pwede akong maniwala na mahal na mahal talaga ni jud@i si ry@n kaya isang simpleng sincere "sorry" lang ang kailangan para mabalik agad ang tiwala. siguro nga, kung mahal mo ang isang tao, hindi na kakailanganin ng isang climactic chase-me-all-over-the-metropolis sequence para lang mapatunayan nya sa yo na mahal ka talaga nya at taos-puso ang kanyang pagsisisi. simpleng "sorry" at konting luha lang, pwede na sa yo. mahal mo e.

kaya nakakatakot magmahal e. kasi nagiging tanga ka. haha!

naisip ko tuloy, pano kaya kung si Direk yon? pano kung naging kami (shet, iniisip ko pa lang kinikilig na ko hahaha), and then one day i catch him red-handed with another man? shet, heartbreak! hindi ko yata kakayanin. baka magbigti ako sa puno ng kamatis. o di kaya eh bumalik na naman sa favorite kong pseudo-goth chick getup at mag-spew na naman ng angst dito. ang hirap mag-invest ng emosyon sa isang taong alam mong pwede kang paasahin at biguin kaya dito na lang ako sa safe (read: bading! safe kainlaban! kasi alam mong hanggang don na lang at hindi ka na magkakaroon ng greater expectations!). kaya buti na lang talaga bading si direk. in a way, blessing yon sa kin. haha.

come to think of it, though, kung bumaliktad naman ang mundo at maging straight sya i know i wouldn't have been his type. my lot in life. the ones i love wouldn't go for the likes of me. eh ganon e. manonood na lang ako ng mga kiligcomedies tulad ng "K@s@l, K@sal1, K@salo" to get my kilig fix.

speaking of kilig, a personally momentous event happened last night at work. for the first time i got to speak with the Direk on the mobile phone. haha. hindi yon ang talagang momentous moment pero dun nag-ugat. kasi i'd been keeping his number on my directory for the longest time but i couldn't find the appropriate excuse to get in touch with him. and then, the opportune time came along. to ask something about work. something urgent and important.

during the talk, while fiddling with his laptop to check a script file he'd sent for voiceover dubbing, he casually tossed me a question. out of the blue.

"eh kamusta naman ang love life mo? kwentuhan mo ko."

shet!

he'd probably read the fwendster bulletins i'd posted lately (bile-bitter angst in little doses) and had been perceptive enough to piece together the story (ehe! may story?!). still i was caught offguard by the question. i thought i'd heard wrong. kasi hindi naman kami close, at stalwart nga sya di ba, ba't naman sya mag-aaksaya ng panahon magbasa ng mga pesteng bulletin board surveys ng mga pathetic souls-in-need-of-catharsis na tulad ko, at kung madaananan man ng mata nya ang mga sagot ko don, sino ba naman ako para maalala pa nya kung anong ka-cheapang angst ang binubuga ko sa mga ka-cheapang Q&A na tulad ng mga yon?!

haha! kilometric rationalization. overwhelmed kasi ako.

parang nung time na sinabi nyang lagi nyang binabasa ang fwendster profile ko. caught offguard din. nanlaki ang mata, hindi makapaniwala. ikaw, nagbabasa ng profile ko? kilig na nakakainis, kasi, yun nga, sana hindi na lang sya nagbibitiw ng mga memorable oneliners na ganon.

kasi, yun nga, we know the story.

pero kilig pa rin. kahit logic tells me na wala namang ibig sabihin yon. eh ganon e.

see? kaya ayokong ma-in love e. crush pa nga lang, natatanga na ko.

christmas low

it's been days. i missed writing here.
andami kong gustong ikwento, from the happenings of saturday night to the happenings of last night, pero sisimulan ko na lang sa nararamdaman ko ngayon.

i badly need a cigarette. a break. someone to save me.

a christmas jump-upper. a beautiful happy gift. an insulin shot. a text message from someone i miss so damn much. but let's not even go there.

naiinis lang ako dahil pasko na pero hindi ko pa rin maramdaman. hindi naman ako ganito dati. naiinis din ako dahil hindi na healthy ang growing annoyance ko over an indie (indiehan) film project that i've committed myself to work for. naiinis ako dahil may nami-miss akong mga tao na hindi na dapat nami-miss, at for the first time in a long time hindi ko alam kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. naiinis ako dahil madali akong masaktan at lately ay nagiging madali na naman sa kin ang manakit. o ang maging insensitive at walang pakialam.

naiinis din ako dahil umiigsi na naman ang pasensya ko. dahil nagiging bitter-bile-beeyatch na naman ang moda ko ngayon, for reasons that i myself haven't figured out yet.

hay.

i badly need a cigarette. a big warm hug. a crying session with myself.

and then maybe i'll be ok again.

monique

matagal ko nang gustong gawin to, on the day that i met her.

i met her on the set of a tv show we were shooting out of town. i fell in love with her at first sight. all day i was literally begging her ward to give her to me, to the point that i was offering money. haha!

in the end, we struck a bargain. her, in exchange for future job "rackets" for him. fair enough...hope i could find the chance to fulfill my end of that bargain!

so ngayon, happily together kami ni monique. i named her "monique" because if i were to be born again i'd want that to be my name. hehe. ganon ko kamahal si monique, parang alter ego ang tingin ko sa kanya. ;-)

ref="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/5205/370/1600/939330/P1070731.jpg"> beautiful, elegant, enigmatic, elusive, witch-like. ganda! she's seven months old, uber-behaved, loves the dark, eats little, stays indoors, meows only when she's hungry. of course everyone in our house (especially my superstitious mom!) is a little afraid of her, but my brother and i totally adore her. i think i've found my ideal cat!

too bad for our other kitty in the house, who was my baby before monique came into the picture. her name's aleli (pinangalanan ko sya after a character in one of the Direk's award-winning opuses!) and she's lovable enough. pero masama ako, kasi matagal na kong naghahanap ng ideal cat ko, at marami nang dumaang pusa sa buhay ko pero iilan lang ang tumatak (para bang lalake ito? fortunately--or unfortunately--wala pa namang masyadong maraming lalake ang nagdaan sa buhay ko, pero marami na rin namang tumatak. hehe). i love cats in general but i fawn on a few truly beautiful ones. and aleli, for a while, was quite loved. simply because she was the only cat to love within the premises. until my ideal cat came along. alam ko ang sama pero aleli was inadvertently relegated to the background.

ampangit no. buti na lang si aleli, hindi tao. wala syang understanding ng favoritism, o ng mga kasong magiging special ka sa isang tao dahil ikaw lang ang nandyan. being loved out of convenience. you are not his/her ideal, but since you're the only one there, the person figures that you will do. for the meantime. until the Ideal One comes along.

ouch! sakit non di ba.
hmm. baka naman ina-underestimate ko lang ang mentality ng mga pusa. baka naman alam ni aleli ang dynamics ng sitwasyon, pero ang totoo, wala syang pakialam. isa yon sa mga gusto ko sa mga pusa. they don't give a shit whether you like them or not!

indie

second week of december. nasa holiday mood na ang karamihan. Ang gusto ko lang, magpahinga. isa o dalawang linggo na walang trabaho, walang iniintindi. Hindi ako nagmumulti-tasking these past few days pero haggard pa rin. nagpi-prepare kasi kami para sa isang "indie" film na magsisimulang mag-shoot right smack in the middle of the Christmas season. Haha. Kumusta naman yon? Good luck, di ba?

less than isang linggo na lang ang (supposedly) natitira pero hanggang ngayon, hindi pa solid ang script, hindi pa kumpleto ang casting, at kung anu-ano pang aberya na pampasakit ulo talaga. Mas advisable sana kung imu-move na lang ang shoot after the holidays. Pero ayaw pumayag ng producer/direk, kasi baka daw mag-backout na yung investor na ready nang mag-shell out ng pera for next week. Kung akong tatanungin, given the state of things, kung investor lang ang problema, kebs na sa investor. Kesa naman mag-shoot ka ng first feature film mo na bara-bara at ill-prepared kayong lahat. May investor ka nga, in danger naman ang kalidad ng pelikula mo. At in danger din ang pera nya. Hindi lang naman iisa ang investor sa mundo. kung polished at maganda talaga ang materyal, at desidido kang ilako ito sa mga koneksyones mo, surely makakahanap at makakahanap ka ng iba.

Kesa naman ganito. Kakainis.

kasama sa trabaho ko ang gumawa ng shooting schedule namin. First time kong gumawa ng shooting sked for a feature-length, at masakit pala sa ulo. Six days, 70-plus scenes, with an average of 13 scenes a day. With a first-time director, and most scenes happening during the day. Ang normal number of shooting days ng isang feature-length film ay 20-29 days. kami anim. dinaig pa ang pitu-pito ni M0ther L1ly, shet! pero understandable lang yon, kasi “indie” film ito, alam naman nating given na ang shooting schedule na masikip. Kaso biglang nagkaroon ng "artista" considerations. Gusto nilang kumuha ng mga artistang may pangalan, kasi daw pag may pangalan mas madaling i-market. Ah, okay. Kahit naturingang "indie" ang pelikulang ito, may “marketing” factor din palang kasali. Umaabot na sa puntong para makuha lang ang may-pangalang artista, kelangan naming i-adjust ang buong schedule para matapat sa availability nya, na syang isa sa mga kinakaiinis ko. Hindi lang dahil mahirap mag-construct at magbaklas at mag-construct uli ng shooting schedule, kundi dahil sa whole idea na ginagawa namin ang lahat ng ito para lang sa artista. kung mainstream, maiintindihan ko.

pero "indie" 'to, di ba?

pero hindi pala ito yung “indie” na nakasanayan ko. Ang “indie” na alam ko, yung pelikulang ginagawa hindi para pagkakitaan. Ang “indie” film na alam ko, yung mga tipo ng pelikulang hindi gagawin ng mainstream dahil producers don’t think the material is “marketable”.

yun ang alam kong “indie”. aesthetics-driven. gagawa ka ng pelikula, kasi meron kang gustong sabihin, o ipakita, at gusto mong malayang magawa ito without having to deal with creative compromises and marketing considerations na dini-dictate ng mainstream industry. gagawa ka ng pelikula, because there are stories that are simply begging to be told, stories which may not have big stars or other elements that the mainstream bigwigs will deem “marketable” to moviegoing audiences, but are substantial stories nonetheless. substantial stories that can potentially become beautiful films.

pero yun nga, reality bites. dahil "in" ngayon ang indie, nagsasanga-sanga na ang little sector na kilala natin bilang “indie". Although literally ang ibig talagang sabihin ng indie eh yung independently produced films outside of big movie outfits, may mga “indie” filmmakers rin pala na parang mainstream mag-isip. ang difference lang nila sa St@r Cinema, Reg@l, at Viv@, eh mas konti ang pera nila. mas maliliit ang grupo nila, mas maigsi ang mga galamay nila, mas konti ang tao, pero ang end goal, basically ganon din. ang kumita.

nalungkot ako sa nadiskubre ko. kasi isa sa mga rason kung bakit ako pumapayag magpaalipin kapalit ng kakarampot na pera tuwing may project na ganito ay dahil naniniwala ako sa spirit ng “indie” as I know it. dahil overwhelmed at inspired ako sa success ng Maximo Oliveros, Kubrador, at Donsol. Dahil naniniwala akong importanteng makagawa ng mga pelikulang maaring hindi bumenta sa takilya o pagkakitaan ng mga gumawa, pero may kabuluhan. pero hindi pala lahat ng “indie” eh ganon ang intensyon. kaya lang sila sumusukob sa label na "indie" eh dahil hindi sila maka-infiltrate sa mainstream for some reason. yun ang talagang nakakalungkot. kasi, in a way, they give “indie” a bad name.

wala naman akong problemang personal sa mga katrabaho ko. wala kong masabi sa kabaitan nila, at natutuwa din ako sa tiwala at confidence na binibigay nila sa kin. kaso, bukod pa sa marketing considerations nila, magulo din ang proseso nila. pagdating sa proseso at sistema, dun naman ako bow sa mainstream. mas efficient dahil matagal na nilang ginagawa, mas sanay na. actually forgivable pa ang inefficiency basta ba noble ang intentions. kaso yun nga. hindi ko din masakyan, kahit creative sensibilities ng direktor. masyadong makamundo. parang hindi sila pareho ng vision ng writer. ewan ko! hindi creative ang nature ng trabaho ko pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasan madismaya sa nagiging direksyon ng kwento. naiinis ako, dahil sayang. pwede syang lumalim. pwede syang maging makabuluhan, kahit papano, kahit na ang main objective ng ilan sa team eh ang pagkakitaan sya.

sa ngayon pina-hold pa ng direktor ang pagrevise ko ng shooting sked hanggang ma-lock na nila ang negotiations with a premyadong character actor. hindi pa rin sure kung matutuloy nga kami sa first shooting day next week. ang sama ko, pero wish ko sana hindi matuloy (at malakas ang pakiramdam kong hindi nga matutuloy). para may enough time pa ang lahat to prepare. at personally, para magkaron rin ako ng breather, para maibalik ko ang mindset ko to positive mode. at makapanood ng Dream Nyt sa Araneta.

oh well. at least everyone's trying their best. nami-miss ko ang mga line producer kong sobrang alam ang ginagawa nila, nami-miss ko ang mga writers na naglalagay ng tamang header (i.e. EXT. BAHAY NI KUYA. NIGHT) sa mga eksena nila (believe me, ngayon lang ako naka-encounter ng script na parang prose ang pagkakasulat! argh!). on the bright side, though, para sa kin training na rin 'to. yun ang pinakamatinding rason, perhaps. What Not To Do When My Turn Comes.

mga feelings na nega, hindi healthy. hindi magiging progresibo, especially when the shoots start. hope i get over this soon. manonood na lang muna ko ng Dream Night sa Araneta. sana nga ma-move ang shoot. kahit after christmas.

here and now (from one to ten)

top 10 things on my mind right now:
1. i have to finish reading that new script tonight. and do a quick Microsoft Excel self-study before i go to bed.
2. the cinemalaya 2nd orientation tomorrow. ah, fresh air. haven't read the script (argh, irresponsible) but i don't think i can squeeze that in the agenda for tonight.
3. people wanting to mix work with play. it's annoying. because it's the last thing anyone in the team would need right now.
4. the new filmproject is grinding next week. as far as my job is concerned, everything else takes a backseat.
5. my new job designation. it's daunting in the sense that it's going to be my first time. six days for a full-length. punyeta! :-D no choice but to hack it. kaya yan.
6. my new cat, monique. just set up a cat-litterbox and made her a collar-with-a-bell. pa-tweetums masyado yung nagawa ko but she looks a lot less of a witch-cat with the frilly thing hanging around her neck. haha. will write about her later.
7. it's going to be the Associate Direk's directorial debut, and in a way it's also going to be a benchmark project for me. i hope he'd focus on the work, because this would mean everything to us for the next two weeks. i really hope so.
8. nakakainis pa rin. tulad kagabi. well. i know what oprah did say, and i'm taking things at face value again this time. too bad cause tonight i needed someone to save me with a sign, like what happened months ago while i was in vietnam. sorry na lang.
9. i hope the script supervisor turns out to be an asset to the team.
10. pink film festival. please watch our short film. gateway mall, december 12, 6pm. :-)


hay. sana mawala na ang inis ko. kailangan kong mag-focus. sana maging matibay ako. sana ma-handle ko nang maayos ang mga bagay-bagay na maaring maka-derail sa akin o sa trabaho. walang emosyong involved. walang personals. trabaho lang.

groucho night

exhausted. sleepy. back aching. longing for a cigarette.
pissed at yahoo mail attachments for being dang slow. pissed at so many other things.

arghhh. kakainis!

there are better things to talk about here. like cats and men and why i'd rather give my heart to the former. or the amazing, grueling 24-hour-labor that was the
shoot last wednesday. the ocular today in the boondocks of pililla and montalban,
and my newest addition to my fluffilacious crush list ("the name's craig...daniel craig."--H-O-T!

but i'm not in the right mood to talk about these things now. wala lang. siguro nga pagod at antok lang to. itutulog lang, ipapahinga lang, lilipas na.

basta. nakakainis pa rin.

ahlavet like this

free time to myself. for a week and a few days more.

go to bed late, wake up late, sip on 3-in-1 coffee while staring into space, surf the net, watch movies, go out with friends, cruise along with each day.

a week and a few days more. any longer than that, i'll start getting fidgety again. because i want the whirlwind to be my life, every now and then. idleness is the devil's playground. except at times when you're up to something inside your head. something that will matter to you much more than being out there in the whirlwind, fueled by other people's passions, working for money.

that was my plan for december. to concentrate on something for the dream. if luck would have it, maybe i'll have the time. maybe the lord will find time for me.

* * *

been seeing a friend, @dolf alix, jr., in a production house in makati. @dolf used to be a co-writer for kew-pids the kilig show, but he was much more than that way before he actually joined the writing team. my first awareness of him was when i picked up a newspaper and read an article about him and some writing award he'd won. truly one of those writing heroes for me, almost like a--ya guessed it--stalwart.

and now this dude is a full-fledged feature film director with his award-winning film, d0ns0l. a beautifully-photographed arthouse film with a simple, heart-tugging story, it's currently in theaters right now (i hope you guys catch this film before the slew of mmff movies take over the tills! argh). strange, but ad0lf actually reminds me of the Direk in a lot of ways--they're both boy-wonder writers, they move the same, walk the same, even direct scenes the same. haha. this much i told @d0lf. to his amusement.

"pano mo sya nakilala personally?" i asked him, feigning, well, innocence. of course i was very interested in what was going to be the answer. anything about the Direk will (quite unsurprisingly) interest me. naloka ako sa sagot. he said that he had met the Direk on the awards night of a famous scriptwriting tilt. 2nd prize daw si Direk.

"punyeta, ibig sabihin ikaw ang first prize?!" i asked him ludicrously. haha. hindi naman ganon ka-ludicrous yung possibility, magaling naman talaga ang kaibigan kong to, but you know how the stalwart-struck, romanticizing mind can make heroes out of ordinary people--up until that moment, no one could possibly outdo the Direk when it comes to his craft. as far as this silly crazed-out fan is concerned.

hehe. somehow that little piece of trivia brings him a little closer to ground level, in my eyes.

bagyong reming is on a roll. except when they start hurting people and property, i actually love rainy days. so let the winds begin. (pero syempre, not to the point of destruction!)

and it's a highway, my way

still in the express zone. happy, happy.

happenings of the past four days:

friday. november 24. our last shooting day for the Direk's Landslide Film. i loved seeing the Direk again. i love the Direk, period. not without the usual frustrations, of course, but it isn't like i've never had that kind of heartbreak before. haha.

i'm so in awe of him, and so afraid that he would sense it, that i couldn't even chat him up. kakainis. parang hayskul na nagdadalaga. hindi si direk ha, ako. :-D

and so ang resulta, para akong miss congeniality doon pagdating sa lahat. except sya. hay. what's new. i know i can never be friends with someone i'm in extreme awe of. my being stalwart-struck always gets in the way. i can never treat someone like the Direk as a friend, as an equal. funny how someone who's so down-to-earth and so seemingly simple can still be so intimidating to me.

he says he always visits my fwendster page. shet. sana hindi na lang nya sinabi, kasi natuwa ako masyado. at naiiinis ako dahil natuwa ako masyado. dahil kahit alam kong wala namang ibig sabihin yon, natutuwa pa rin ako sa idea na existing ako sa kanya.

saturday, november 25.
cinem@laya semi-finalists orientation at the CCP. a colleague's material got into the semi-finals and he wanted me to direct it. as i sat there with thirty-or-so other film aspirants i couldn't felp but feel a sense of de ja vu. i've been through this last year, but with a different partner.

i could sense a lot of hope and anxiety in that room. but i'm not surprised that i don't feel a lot of anxiety. a good measure of hope, yes, but i've learned my lesson from totong hilot (our semi-finals entry last year). this year i'm taking these things in stride.

good to see a lot of familiar faces in that room, though: my UP classmate rian (who's also been asked to direct another semi-finalist), the UF0 peeps (j@de, emm@n, em0ng lee), indie filmmakers paul0 villalun@ and chr1s manjar3s, and kastk1 flor3s who used to be the fair-haired girl in one mainstream film company whom i worked for.

hahay. indie is so "in" these days, it will probably end up being the new mainstream.

after a sumptuous dinner by the docks, i went straight to the dubbing of the Horror Movie in makati. i hate sitting through dubbing sessions. one of the things i don't like about the script girl's job. went home at 2 in the morning.

sunday, november 26.
prepared paperwork all day and night for a meeting with the TV show peeps the next day. i was sleepless all night.

monday, november 27.
went to the meeting with finished paperwork. meeting stretched all day. 2nd taping day was scheduled on december 6. one of the perks of this job is that they are sooo nice, they adjust the taping date according to my availability. i really should give back just as much, for everything i've been given.

9 pm. i lost my friggin wallet. damn. i think someone took it. in haste. sayang yung PhP 1K na nire-resist ko pa namang gastahin. naiinis ako sa mga magnanakaw. grrr!

after the meeting i headed to the Baguio Bold Movie's office in Boni to talk with the director about the film's opening credits. the film is currently in audio postproduction.

initially Direk I.E. and the producer had wanted me to do the concept for the film's opening titles. weird, kasi anubayun, di ba dapat sa script level pa lang pinag-isipan na yun ng writer, para kung me kelangang i-shoot na images exclusively for opening titles nagawa na sana namin. owell.

on the other hand, i was flattered. that they trust me enough to want to give me the responsibility. eventually, the producer texted me that the production house itself had volunteered to do the title credits on an X-deal. whatever that means. a relief for me. sayang yung TF, pero gumaan talaga ang pakiramdam ko.

dahil gusto ko munang magpahinga sandali. kahit isang araw lang. na hindi magtatrabaho, o lalabas ng bahay para gawin ang pinapagawa sakin.

last night, out of the blue, Baguio Bold Movie's Associate Direk, AA, asked me: "Saffron, personal question. Girl ka ba?"


that made me almost burst into laughter. because that wasn't the first time that someone actually asked if i was lesbian. anuba! just because i'm aloof towards those hetero sons-of-adam doesn't mean i'm into chicks. ehe.

kainis, kasi during our Baguio shoot, crush ko tong Associate Direk namin for, like, two days. now two years ago another crush of mine, the Artsy Fartsy Guy, had asked me the same "are you lesbian?" question. argh! napaka-clueless ng mga lalake! either that, o ako ang sobrang clueless pagdating sa Sining ng Pamemechay. the guys i like end up thinking i'm lesbian and disinterested.

haha!

things that make you go "awww"

there are things that make you go "aww", in spite of yourself. even if love (or its lesser equivalents) is the farthest from your mind at the moment.

like one particular blog entry by my friend waterfowl. the one about that one self-directed question. asan na kaya sya ngayon? aww...bwiset.

maybe love does happen, ally. but the question is if it would happen to everybody.

ehe. sobrang gasgas nang topic. at alam naman nating walang makakasagot sa tanong na yan. personally, though, it's not a concern at the moment. there are other priorities. but we know the usual drawbacks of Single Blessedness. we know that moments do come. when all of a sudden you would miss someone, or wish that you were missing someone. when all of a sudden you'd be tempted to wonder--even if, at the back of your mind, you know there might not be an answer--kung nasan na nga kaya sya.

hay. nasan na nga kaya sya?

just an idle question on a sleepy night.

seven-day express

finally, time to breathe! :-)

but i know i have to write about the windang-acious happenings of the past seven days here. cause in the future i might realize that those seven days were actually the most exciting days of my life. hmm. wag pa sana. prayin' for more exciting, happy times ahead.

on optimist mode tayo ngayon? hehe. here goes my whirlwind week...

November 12, Sunday. the horror film for r3gal was wrapped by 8am. six shooting days of living the vampire's life, done! we were working all afternoon and night and would be dead asleep all day. that day was The Last but strangely it didn't feel like the typical Last Day for me. no celebratory mood that would usually prevail over the entire staff and crew. kahit ako, na kadalasang tinatablan ng Last Day High, parang...wala lang.

that doesn't mean i didn't enjoy doing this project, though. siguro may mga project lang talaga na mas special kesa sa iba.

after wrapup i went straight home, took a catnap, hastily packed my bags for a remaining-3-day shoot outtatown for another feature film. at 1 in the afternoon i was on my way to Baguio. sadly i had to forego attending the one-night-only screening of our short film at the Cin3m@nila because the staff needed to leave manila before dark. oh well. work is work, dangit.

we arrived in baguio around 10 in the evening. the air was crisp and cold and carried the scent of night blossoms and pines. a balm for the senses. i've always loved shooting in baguio. two years ago was the first time i had a shoot there and it was one of the most fulfilling, memorable moments in my young film laborer's history.

and so i was back--lacking in sleep, somekinda exhausted, but psyched up to make this adventure equally memorable as the one i had in 2004.

November 13, Monday. we were staying in a chalet-type of house in the outskirts of the city and the view from the backyard was simply beautiful.


i was glad to see a couple of familiar faces in the team. our makeup artist from the Cebu project, and our schedule master (now a production designer!) from the Fil-Am indie project. the world is gettin a-smaller!

Day One of Three. one director, one associate director, no assistant director, and a floor production assistant that was almost always missing (duh). so i ended up juggling three jobs. lugi ako kung tutuusin but i didn't mind. i liked doing the AD's job. i liked being in charge (mwahaha!). syempre hindi ko magagawa yon kung may official AD. Day One and i was already training myself for the next step up the industry ladder.

one of the locations where we shot a bulk of scenes was a bar in the city. seeing all these young people milling about the bar, ready to go about town on their gimik night, bigla kong na-miss gumimik. it had been months!

after one steamy sex scene at the backseat of a car (hay! this one merits a separate entry), we were wrapped for the day. si associate direk, who was my immediate superior, was asking if i wanted to be his AD for his debut film. yipee! op kors direk! excited ako sa possibility pero syempre cool lang kunyari ("Ok po," in all casual bravura). nagpaka-pretensyosa para hindi naman masyadong tawaran ang beauty ko pagdating sa talent fee negotiations. hahaha!

honestly, though, i would've done these things for peanuts if there was absolutely no cash to be dispensed. pero syempre sana may cash. haha! lord, sana matuloy yung debut film ni direk! sana sana!

November 14, Tuesday. Day Two of Three. shooting in the mountains. the bloodiest of all days. having to deal with tantrums of artistas (hehe, buti na lang kebs ako sa mga drama-dramahang ganyan), the lack of two-way radios on the set (para kaming mga tarzan don na nagsisigawan from one bundok to another), the rapidly setting sun, and other production deficiencies (indie daw ito e! kaya excusable daw! haha). despite everything we managed to finish a bulk of the schedule. it was on this day, after shooting a blow-job scene on the mountainside, that i stumbled upon a major realization. but that's another story. ;-)

when we packed up at midnight, it as freezing cold. yosi and each other were our only sources of warmth (imagine, kahit kape wala! kasi ang indie prod daw, indie nagpapakape, hehe). thank god i brought enough stacks of my menthols from manila, cause i wouldn't have liked resorting to the alternative option just to keep me warm (gwrrrl!?!). nag-iisa lang akong girl sa staff (na halos puros lalake) kaya initially intimidating ang setup, but i eventually felt at home with everyone. at behaved ako althroughout, kahit na uber-hunky pa ang mga artista namin, hahaha!

November 15, Wednesday. Day Three of Three. schedule was tight. i enjoyed this day the most. we were shuttling from one location to another, from the caves to a university in the city to a cemetary near the Benguet border. the nastiest of all the sex scenes was shot on this day. arghh. na-donselya na ang mga mata ko, grabe talaga! we raced across baguio to catch magic hour (sunset) at the cemetary location, which looked absolutely HEAVENLY at sunset.

we wrapped the day--and the movie--by 8 in the evening. thank yous abound, but this group wasn't a senti team. was feeling senti, though, for reasons that i didn't like. hay nako. tigilan na. at least someone blew me a kiss when i least expected it. haha, pechay!

at 10 in the evening i was on my way back to manila. i had more or less seven hours to prepare for another shoot.

November 16, Thursday. went home to change into fresh clothes then i was back on the road, this time to Dasmarinas, Cavite. we were going to shoot the spiels for the pilot episode of our tv show. i was out of it, unbelievably drained, but i had to hack this day. throughout the three-day shoot in baguio this project had been at the back of my mind. i was going to be director, and yet inuuna ko pa yung ibang projects. the hectic schedule in baguio had made it impossible for me to submit the remaining 75% of the script. and now, i was going to come to the cavite shoot sleepless and exhausted.

of all days, the heavens had chosen that day for a rainy afternoon. we were stalled for two hours. at the end of the day, we didn't finish eveything in the schedule. i felt horrible. i knew my creative partner was pissed at me, and he had reason to.

guilt, guilt. the worst feeling in the world.

on my way home, still blaming myself for the unfulfilled shooting schedule for the day, a text message came from the line producer of the Baguio indie film project: saffron, thank you so much for your dedication and support. hope to work with you again soon. it came just at the right time, pero gusto ko ring matawa sa discrepancy na napansin ko sa sarili ko. kasi sobrang obvious kung ano yung projects na ginagawa ko for sheer passion at yung projects na ginagawa ko for money. kung pera ang sukatan, mas madaling mag-prioritize ng mga bagay-bagay. pero mas masarap magtrabaho kung mahal mo yung ginagawa mo, kung nakikita mo ang sarili mo na nasa working environment pa rin na yon twenty, thirty years from now.

unfair. sa creative partner ko, who's brimming with plans for the future of the show, whose passion for what he's doing can probably top my passion for making films. unfair talaga, na hindi ko ibigay ang dapat kong ibigay. even if i don't see myself still being in the show two, three years from now.

who knows. di natin masabi. masaya naman, kaso merong mas masayang gawin. pero yun nga, the Law of Alchemy. you gotta give some to get some. especially if you've already been given. you have to fulfill your part of the bargain.

November 17, Friday. met with two of our actors from the Baguio project for a fashion show-cum-bikini-competition racket that was going to happen the next day. nakakaloka ang timeframe, kinabukasan na ang show, nung gabi ko pa lang na yon nalaman ang mga detalye. eventually naisip ko na lang na bahala na si Batman. at si Lord. at least the location would be in Subic. I love Subic. reminds me of those Kilig Reality Show Days. tsaka malapit sa dagat. I love the dagat! haha.

November 18, Saturday. it was a day of first times, and thankfully, it ended well. uber-ngarag ako on the way home. ngarag pero masaya. and uber, uber-thankful. cause a prayer has been granted. hindi na july ang favorite whirlwind month ko for 2006. november na!

hehe. wouldn't want to speak too soon, though. may nine days pang natitira. lord sana masaya lahat. :-)

first time series 2 : fashion show

november 18, saturday. perstaym kong nagdirek ng isang fashion show. nung unang in-offer sakin yung trabaho, akala ko, nagpapatawa yung organizer. ano bang alam ko sa fashion show? hanggang panonood lang ng Lifestyle network ang alam ko sa mga ganyang bagay, ni hindi pa nga ako naka-attend ng actual fashion show sa tanang life ko.

pero hindi sya nagpapatawa, seryoso sya, at napag-isip-isip ko rin na hindi dapat tinatanggihan ang grasya at opportunities na literally eh hinahain na sa hapagkainan mo. so sabi ko, ok go.

one night only at the Boardwalk, Subic Bay. lalo akong na-excite kasi out-of-town sya, at malapit sa dagat. i love the sea. i love going on-location. on the eve of the show saka ko pa lang nalaman ang mga detalye. hindi lang pala sya fashion show, parang bikini competition din. bikini open, ba. ok. ano bang alam ko sa bikini competitions? bottom line is, live show sya. at least familiar na ko sa live shows. kahit na mukhang disorganisado ang grupong to, at least napa-oo ko sila sa talent fee na hinihingi ko. kahit kulang sa oras, kahit mukhang first time din ng organizer na kumarir ng ganitong racket (model kasi sya na sume-segue na sa pagiging events organizer), ang sabi ko na lang sa sarili ko, "para lang akong magdidirek ng variety show para sa broadcom class. how hard can it be?"

haha. i was wrong.

6 in the evening, Subic Bay. i was close to hyperventilating. syempre hindi ko pinapahalata, pero abot-langit ang pangangamba ko. hindi pa bihis lahat ng mga models. hindi pa plantsado ang blocking ko sa kanila. hindi pa printed out ang sequence outline/script. hindi pa tapos ang rehearsals namin pero dahil alas-6 na kelangan na nilang magbihis. punyeta, nagdasal na lang ako! lord kayo na lang bahala, sana lang hindi kami magkalat mamaya.

naiinis ako sa organizer dahil hindi nya diniscuss ang project sakin earlier. naiinis ako dahil 24 hours lang ang binigay nya sa king oras para maghanda. naiinis ako dahil sabi nya alas-10 ng gabi magsisimula ang show, pero alas-8 naman pala. naiinis ako dahil nilagay nya ko sa ganitong sitwasyon, pero wala kong panahon para mainis at that time, marami pang dapat isipin.

7 in the evening. Boardwalk stage. bini-brief ko ang host na syang magdadala ng buong show, kung sakaling magkagulo-gulo ang blocking ng mga models sa stage. yung host, naka-tshirt lang na black na may brand pa yata ng beer sa harap, para bang hinugot lang kung saang talyer (hahaha oo masama ako). as i prattled on about what was going to be the flow of the show i gravely wondered if this guy would be able to pull it off. bahala na.

pero nung nagsalita na sa microphone is manong host, para syang nag-transform. ang ganda ng boses, parang dj. pag pumikit ka, hindi mo maiimagine yung manong na parang taga-talyer. pati english diction, karir. ok, nakahinga ako don. at least hindi ko na sya poproblemahin.

9 in the evening. nag-start na ang show. in attendance ang governor ng subic. kaloka. as the show went on naalala kong bigla yung brief stint ko sa Da Haus at sa Kilig Show nung unang panahon. buti na lang may experience ako sa live shows. marami pa ring sabit althroughout the show but somehow we were able to pull it off. it could've been way way better pero happy enough na ko natapos din ang gabi.

backstage i met with the Head of the Committee who had commissioned our event organizer to mount the fashion show. ang laking tinik na nabunot sa dibdib ko when he told me that he was "more than satisfied". punyeta! promise? i searched his face for any sign that he was just bullshittin me. i couldn't tell. and it drove me crazy!

but i got a definitive answer at the end of the night, nung nagbibigayan na ng talent fees. binigyan nya ko ng bonus. haha, yey! nawala nang tuluyan ang pagod ko. all of a sudden gusto kong magpaiwan sa subic at gumimik til dawn. gusto kong mag-videoke. gusto kong maligo sa dagat kahit gabi!

12 midnight. the models and the staff trooped to the nearest dining place for late dinner. perstaym ko din na makipag-hangout sa mga mowdels! haha. ako yata ang pinakamatanda sa grupong yon. lahat sila halos mga teenagers or in their early twenties.

we arrived in manila at 4 in the morning. a hectic stress-filled day, but all was well that ended well. i went home tired but smiling. i guess this project just about caps a hectic seven-day dalliance-with-the-whirlwind for me. i'm looking forward to doin more stuff like this, and other stuff for the movies as well, but i'd be glad enough for a momentary breather for the next two days, somehow. bumming at home. eating. sleeping. wathching dvds. reminiscing on the events of the past seven days. and smiling althroughout.

:-)

sense of time, speed of light

urgent. hazy. multitudinous.
life's like that these days. that's how i felt when i woke up this afternoon. phone ringing, reminding me of some meeting to go to, a meeting i'd forgotten i had, and didn't have the energy to go to at that moment.

felt bad, really. when i found out that the meeting had BEEN today. and realized that the script deadline for the trip-trip-lang tv show on-the-brew WAS today. because i needed to be at that meeting. and i didn't want to miss that deadline. but i was out of it. tao lang.

windang. ngarag. over a multitude of things to do.

so i rushed it tonight. planning on an installment, just in time for the grind date on the 16th. because i'd have no time for it in the next few days. rushed it, my bloodstream pumping an assortment of (legit) uppers. guilt can drive you towards action sometimes. especially when they've already paid you for the job you're supposed to do.

i love the whirlwind. but the whirlwind unraveled me a bit too much today.

been shooting all night every other night for the past few days. it does wonders to you. reversing your time clock anew, and with a couple of things in mind still. a coupla things to do for another project, which is actively on preproduction, which required your immediate attention. somethin you shouldn't neglect or take for granted, because it just might be your bread-and-butter after the currently grinding projects are gone. so i was a bit miffed at myself for a moment for the meeting that i'd forgotten to attend, but i lightened up easily. because i'm past 25% of the written work and i only need a day to finish the 75%. and the only available day is on sunday.

time warped. i often lose my sense of time these days. especially when i'm tired and up all night. and when it comes to deadlines. or birthdays.

but i'm happy. somekinda. because there's so many things to thank god for these days. my short film is playin at the cinem@nil@. i'm meeting new people almost everyday. and on sunday night i'm goin to baguio.

last day shoot for the horror project tomorrow, finishing off the script whole day of sunday, the cinem@nil@ screening of our film sunday night, then i'm off, off to the city of pines for a new adventure. and apart from the adventure, i'm glad about the unexpected extra moolah that'll come this way as well.

three days in the mines, with new people and a new team. hoping, praying, that at least a few of these new acquaintances will help me get another film made. in one way or another. praying for serendipitous perks for the future. as i grow older in this line of job i realize that the world gets smaller as well. maybe it's because it's a small industry. a fwendster industry, connecting its laborers to the umpth degree.

excited. about baguio. i love shooting outside of the metro. after three days i'll be back and heading straight to the shoot of the tv project. good luck to me, miss i'll-try-to-bite-off-more-than-i-can-chew-and-pray-for-good-outcomes. i hope i didn't overestimate my stamina and multi-tasking abilities this time.

i wish i'd have christmas reserved for personal thingies. i wish i'd get a vacation by then. but i want to make that film. at all costs. and the tv show will be taking away my time. and i'll be taking away money from them as well, in exchange. haha.

speaking of personal thingies i wonder how the Direk is doing now. haven't seen him in a while, and i dunno if i'll be seeing him anytime soon. memories and the idealizing mind can only do so much. and fwendster doesn't give you all that you want to know.

isn't it funny, though, when this happens to you: you meet someone new, and you realize you've developed a little crush on him--if only for the evening, just for kicks--and the next day he tells you that he thinks he has a crush on you? heehee. i find it funny because it rarely happens to me. something mutual springing up from one chance encounter, even if it's somethin as frivolous as a "somekinda" crush.

haha. cute. time to go back to the urgent-hazy-multitudinous life.

freezeframe (or things i'd only tell my shrink, if i had one)

i love collecting memories. siguro kasi mas naaappreciate ko ang isang experience o pangyayari only when it's no longer part of the present. delayed ako lagi by one light year pagdating sa appreciation ng mga ganyan. minsan mari-realize ko na lang na masaya pala ako pag nakalipas na yung moment at hindi na ko masaya. hahaha! ang lungkot no. kaya para hindi naman ako dehado, nire-relive ko na lang sa utak ko. pwede ko pang i-rewind, i-pause, i-fastforward na parang pelikula.

lately ang laking tulong ng pictures sa memory collection ko. moments on a freezeframe. proof that you’ve lived through a particular experience. visual aid sa pagre-reminisce mo. i love taking pictures! para kang may ikatlong mata, at bongga ka dahil ang third eye mo, may recording capability. lately nga nagiging OA ang pagpipeechure-peechure ko. minsan pati damo, putik o maduming sapatos ng katrabaho ko, napapagdiskitahan ko. lalo na nung time na nagshu-shooting kami sa bundok, para sa project ni Direk. para bang halos bawat sandali gusto kong hulihin at isilid sa bulsa ko. kasi alam ko na pagkatapos ng shoot, sobrang matutuwa ako pag binabalikan ko na yung mga pictures. everything will come back in a flood. and everything will look golden, on hindsight.

naa-amuse ako sa reaksyon ng mga tao pag nakatutok sa kanila ang kamera, pag alam nilang pinipiktyuran sila. Karamihan, nagiging self-conscious, may-i-tuck-a-lock-of-hair-behind-the-ears ang drama, o biglang nagiging stiff na di mo mawari. yung iba naman, kunwari deadma, at malalaman mong "kunwari" lang kasi nagiging OA ang pagka-seryoso o pagkapormal. Meron din namang iba na medyo showbiz o "bakla" kaya game mag-pose. at meron ding sadyang camera-shy talaga, yung ayaw talagang magpa-picture at alam mong hindi ito kyeme o pagkukunwari lang. ito yung mga taong bigla na lang aalis at mawawala sa frame pag na-sense na nilang nakatutok sa direksyon nila ang (candid) camera. haha.

favorite kong piktyuran yung mga ganong tipo. napaka-elusive kasi nila. para bang pag nakakuha ka ng shot that would capture a nuance that is unique in that person alone, solved ka na. ika-kwadro mo na. well, sorta. kasi ganon siguro ang magiging feeling ko kung makakuha ko ng isang uber-gandang candid shot ni Direk. hahaha! (oo, kaya ko kinukwento to kasi gusto ko lang syang banggitin, kaya pwede ka na ring tumigil sa pagbabasa. ;-P)

dahil sa hilig kong magkolekta ng memories kaya ako nag-imbento ng virtual Time Capsules (na binabanggit-banggit ko na sa blog na to dati). sa ngayon dalawa pa lang ang Time Capsules ko--a bundle of happy memories, each involving a certain person--at malamang eh madadagdagan pa kung mabubuhay pa ko nang matagal.

sa Time Capsule #1 nakasilid lahat ng favorite kong memories about Frog Princess (siguro sya na yung closest to a "first love" na matuturing ko so far...haha kainis, pathetic). salamat sa kanya, nakapagsulat ako ng sandamukal na happy-sad bittersweet pseudo-poetic blog entires last year. natatawa na lang ako pag binabasa ko uli ngayon yung mga entries na yon, pero at that time, mangiyak-ngiyak pa ko nung sinusulat ko ang mga yon. haha, drama queen ito.

nabuo ang Time Capsule #2 because of an onslaught of novel experiences. first-times, baga. of the wholesome, bubblegum-romantic nature. not necessarily because of the person involved. ewan. di ko na lang isusulat, kasi di pa naman sarado ang Time Capsule na to. marami pa nga kong maidadagdag from the past few months.

i don't make a big deal about the little things that this person has done for me (or for himself?), but i vividly remember them all. and every happy memory automatically goes to TC#2.

happy, happy. my favorite word.

happy memories lang ang kinokolekta ko. feeling ko coping mechanism na rin. to maintain a relatively light disposition. to dilute the natural intensity. na-discover ko sa sarili ko na may mga katotohanan palang hindi ko gugustuhing malaman. o kung alam ko na, mas gugustuhin ko na lang na kalimutan.

deny, ignore, detach, let go. Familiar items in the survival kit. Ampangit no, kasi parang nag-eevolve ako into someone who would rather live in blind, ignorant bliss.

but I’m thankful for the fact that no matter how strongly i turn away from certain truths, there will still always be a part of me that, well, Knows. A part of me that is Fully Aware. Of the real deal. Of what it is, in black and white. that's why despite all the characteristically "crazy" things i've said and done in the past 26 years i can still say i'm perfectly sane. kasi may bumabalanse pang realist/pessimist side ng personality ko sa idealist/optimist side. We all have our own dualities. Our own jekylls and hydes.

Hah, booooring! naging self-dissecting dissertation na itich. at kumusta naman ang mga high-fallutin’ words? hahaha

hemingways, pasensya na. just playing shrink to myself.

multo o maligno

isn't it strange when you dream of someone and then the next day (or the day after next), they get in touch with you? all the stranger if it happens twice, and involving the same person.

parang multo. di ba may mga multong nagpaparamdam sa panaginip? two months ago i would've taken it as a "sign". baka maisip ko pang may psychic connection ako sa taong to or something silly like that. but two months seems ages ago. and two months ago was my time in twilight zone.

musta?
napanood mo na yung The Prestige?
too busy ba? me isang taong gusto kang i-treat

all saints' day na kasi kaya siguro nagpaparamdam ang mga multo. o dahil kakatapos lang ng halloween kaya lumalabas sa woodwork ang kung anu-anong maligno? haha :-P

beeyatchy. kaya ako kinakarma e. kaya tuloy lagi akong nagfo-fall sa bading. haha. wow ibang klaseng maligno yon. ibang klaseng multo. kahit mapanaginipan ko araw-araw, magiging masayang bangungot. he's welcome to haunt me anytime.

back to the present case. ambivalent answers to provocative questions can only mean two things; 1) the person is teasing/tormenting/testing you, or 2) the person him/herself feels ambivalently about the whole thing. maybe i was a little of both. but at the end of the day, it was easy to resolve the uncertainty. it was easy to dismiss it. di ko yata feel bumuhay ng patay. o mag-resuscitate ng naghihingalo. ipagtitirik na lang natin ng kandila, sabay dasal. may your memory in my mind forever rest in peace. manahimik na sana ang yong kaluluwa at wag nang magparamdam pa.

hahaha, evil ko talaga.

uplate

my share of random shrandom for the moment:
* done with paperwork, a few more to go. have to finish one or two more, at least before the next movie shoot begins. realistically, i think i'll be able to finish two at the most.
* a new movie shoot begins in...hmm...36 hours. good luck to us. we end shoot november 9 at the latest. god-willing.
* dubbing ongoing for the direk's project. the Star was an extraordinary dubber. but then she's had decades to master the art. but still! dubbing dialogue in movies is actually doing 50% of the acting. you can't help but develop a new kind of respect for total actors like the Star, who didn't become the St@r for mere looks or charisma alone.
* i finally saw The Shot that i'd been talking about the other night--there was nothing wrong with it. and there i was, all (silent) apologies, just about ready to hang myself! haha. talk about praning. driving myself up the wall over an "error" that was never committed, in the first place.
* si direk kasi e. hehe. i wish i'd see him around in one of those dubbing sessions. for sure it's gonna bring in a whole lotta sunshine to the soul.
* it's late october and i'm not doing anything yet, where the dream is concerned. hay. eto na naman ako. tapos pag last minute tsaka mag-aapura.
* work is an obstacle, but i know i shouldn't make that an excuse. i know, i know. i'm talking to myself, don't mind me.
* it's 5 am. meme na bluey, if you know what's good for you.

let's play tag!

i've been tagged. no better time to indulge the bulletin-board-survey-addict in me than 3 in the morning. wahoo!

Rules of this tag:

1. Name the person who tagged you.
zelle tagged me. nice to see new blog updates there, girl, keep 'em coming!


2. Name 8 things about you.
- i'm an open book. to most people.
- i smoke marlboro menthols. persistent bad habit, but i can see hope for me in the future. the day i'll quit my menthols will be the day i'll find true love (haha good luck on that)
- i love cats. they're just so dang beautiful to look at, they don't fawn or slobber all over you, and the poise is just so natural. which makes it exemplary.
- apart from the menthols, i have two other bad vices: tardiness, and procrastination. so good luck na lang sa life. haha.
- i love taking pictures, because i love collecting memories. i look back so much i should've been born with another set of eyes at the back of my head. my appreciation of moments and experiences is ALWAYS delayed. and that's where pictures always come in handy.
- i'm a passionist. by nature. in nearly everything. intense and all-out. an all-or-nothing basketcase. driven, ambitious, romantic, hungry, idealistic. but life has tamed me in a lotta ways. and up to now i can't decide whether that's a good thing or a bad thing. basta moderation is always healthy. it keeps you grounded, balanced, and yes, basically happy.
- i love the dream more than anything else. and i'd do anything within ethical and moral boundaries to live it.
- i've always been in love. with the concept of love. like most people, nearly all the time. have this bad habit of molding idealized images out of real people. bad habit, cause when reality bites, i'd always feel cheated. misled. disillusioned. but hwell i do learn the lesson sometimes.

3. Tag 6 people.

waterfowl
beatlebum
cf
carmi
dr. oblivion
choclit luver

so there. spread the virus!

4:26 am

i brought a non-"showbiz" friend to a movie premiere tonight. she was starstruck all evening. nakakatuwa. to her, seeing "artistas" in the flesh was something that didn't happen everyday and something that was worth texting home about.

kahit naman ako, medyo windang rin over the fact that i was actually got to ride in the backseat of pa0lo bed10nes' car. ang kaibigan ko, habang nakasakay kami, halos mapudpod na ang mga daliri sa kakatext sa kung sino. later she told me that she was telling her sisters at home that she was in pa0lo bed10nes' car. haha! crush kasi nya si pa0lo. ako rin crush ko si pa0lo, i think he's cute in a rugged-conyotic sorta way. but during that moment hindi ko ma-enjoy yung experience. sobrang upset ako over something. sobrang bothered.

i did notice, though, that pa0lo seems a lot less of the straight-laced dude when his guard is down, when he's not facing the cameras. chatty, reminds me of those theater actors. crush ko ba sya? oo. kung crush ko sya, di kaya bading sya?

hahaha. hindi naman siguro. cristy fermin moment ba ito.

everyone was in celebratory mood today because our film got an A-rating from the CEB. amazing! that means the CEB thought the film was aesthetically meritorious enough to be given a 100% tax rebate. the last studio-produced horror movie that got a rating that's any good was suk0b, and that was only a B. so happy kaming lahat over that little triumph. sana rin mag-triumph sa box office.

my night would've been absolutely blithe if i didn't learn about something that totally upset me. totally. i couldn't hide my reaction. "ba't ka namumula?" someone asked me. she didn't hear what i'd just been told. i couldn't speak. alam ko dapat hindi nagpapahalatang masyadong apektado, hindi dapat pinapakitang guilty o self-berating. but at that moment i was an open wound. a bleeding one, at that.

haha. OA.

pag mga ganitong kaso pala, you let yourself down in two aspects of your life. parang two birds hit with one stone. masakit pag may personal feelings na involved. lalo na kung despite your personal feelings toward the person, no personal relationship exists outside of the professional one. at kung hindi ka nya lubusang kilala, madali ka nyang madya-judge. madali ka nyang madi-dismiss for the neighborhood dumpster.

sa lahat naman ng tao, sya pa. sa lahat naman ng pelikula, dun pa. syempre maba-bother ako. syempre malulugmok ako. dahil sobrang minahal ko ang experience na yon, at sobrang mahalaga sa kin ang impression sa kin ng taong yon. hindi ko tuloy alam kung pano sya haharapin sa susunod na shoot. hindi ko alam kung pano ko mareremedyuhan ang mga bagay-bagay. will "sorry" suffice? what could i possibly do when the harm has been done?

siguro pinapalaki ko lang sa utak ko kasi nga may personal feelings involved. kung ibang tao yan, ibang kaso yan, i can easily block it out, charge it to experience, and move on. all evening over dinner i was still brooding over it. there was nothing that i wanted more than to do everything right for him. more than that, to make him believe in me. kahit bilang isang laborer lang. dahil professional lang ang relationship namin. hanggang don lang ang pinaka-realistic na maa-aspire ko. tapos isang shot lang pala ang guguho sa lahat ng masasayang alaala na inipon ko during our seven-day shoot. isang shot lang pala ang sisira ng gabi ko. isang shot, na sinasabi nilang wala lang, wag ko daw masyadong isipin dahil hindi magiging panira ng career ang isang shot, pero hiyang-hiya pa rin ako sa kanya. when i remember vividly that that was the only thing he had asked me to take care of. isang shot.

i'm sorry, direk. i'm so sorry. siguro hindi naman talaga big deal tulad ng iniisip ko pero hindi mo alam kung gaano ko dinidibdib. OA talaga. pero truth remains. my bad. but i want you to know that there was never a time when i wasn't on my toes. there was never a time when i wasn't behind your back. and this is the first time, ever, that a single shot could ever make me feel this culpable.

hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano yung problema, kasi di ko pa nakikita. pero dahil sinabi mo, malamang tama ka. dahil sinabi mo, nagi-guilty na ko. kasi sobra-sobra ang tiwala ko sa yo. sobra-sobra ang confidence ko na alam mo ang ginagawa mo. at kung ano ang sabihin mo, kung ano ang isipin mo, malamang paniniwalaan ko.

kaya ganito na lang ang pagkabalisa ko. i feel horribly, excruciatingly culpable. siguro matatawa ka lang kung makikita mo ang reaction ko kanina. mukha yata kong bibitayin.

at the end of the night the producer told me that i needn't worry too much over it, because it wasn't me. (or maybe it wasn't JUST me?). it was him, in so many words. him, unsatisfied, not with just a shot, but with a few more. a few more shots that he didn't shoot then, which he now realizes are necessary. sana hindi lang sinasabi yon ni ma'am produ para kalmahin ang loob ko. o para i-salvage ang natitirang kasiyahan sa nasira kong gabi. sana lang. pero kailangan ko pa ring marinig sa yo.

alas-4 na ng umaga. there's a meeting today at 3 pm in that place at the edge of the world, alabang. a meeting that i'm not particularly excited about. but a meeting that i'm going to attend, nonetheless. we can't live on passions alone, after all. it's one of the best compromises i can engage in. give some, get some. sana lang mas ganahan pa ko sa project. cause this feeling is a bit too familiar for comfort. para kong nagde-de ja vu about the happenings of one year ago.

parang andami-dami kong dapat gawin these days. dalawang magkaibang batches ng paperwork due asap. isang madugong deadline para sa alabang project on friday. grind ng bagong horror project on thursday. a meeting for a potentially passion-related project on saturday. na baka maurong pa kung matutuloy ang last-day shoot for my project with The Direk on that same day (hay. pano ba kita haharapin, direk?). sometimes i tend to overestimate my multi-tasking abilities. biting off more than i can chew, so to speak. but i've made the commitments and there's no other option but to just...hack it.

pero minsan, kahit na feeling mo eh may kinapupuntahan ang buhay mo dahil busy ka sa maraming bagay, moments would come when you would still feel as far from the Dream as you were on Day One. that everything is illusory, and transient, and everything you think you've invested on will actually amount to nothing more than pebbles for the piggy bank. spreading your wings and spreading yourself to thin are two very different things. expanding does not necessarily equate to ascending.

and moments would come, really, when you would feel that, despite all your efforts to create a so-called master plan, you are actually, in deep, clueless.

afloat. drifting. homeless.
clueless.

shop talk

over fwendster the producer of our last movie thanked me for my pro-bono work as the film's still photographer. ahay. syempre she's always welcome, although a part of me--the practical, pragmatic part--is somekinda feeling like a huge sucker. in some other part of the world, in another time and place, maybe i would've gotten rich out of doing the things i'd been doing here for free. but reality is the here and now.

masaya din naman. kasi sobrang na-enjoy ko talaga yung pagpi-piktyur-piktyur. hindi lang sa mga eksena (which doubles na rin as my guide for action continuity, call it two-fold purpose flashtography), kundi sa mga nangyayari sa likod ng camera. yung mga taong katrabaho ko. capturing moments, ika nga ng kodak. collecting memories for future smiles-upon-recall.

lalo na sa project na to. i've never had as much fun since my last movie shoot for 2004. para kong bumalik sa adventurous side ko. even saigon pales in comparison. kasi noon sa saigon all i could think about was how many days til hometime.

and now we're starting another project again. with the same happy troupe, minus a few missing factors. which kinda makes me sad. cause the people who would not be able to join in this time are the people i've come to really, really be endeared by. like my roommate of an underwater photography stalwart (who's probably diving through shark-infested costa rican waters now as i speak). and her uber-fun, uber-alaskador gaffer. and her ever-reliable, quick-as-lightning 1st assistant camerman. and of course, the direk.

hay, direk.

this new project, a seven-day shoot, is goin to be part of a trilogy for the local Metro Festival this Christmas season. the famous horror franchise from the notorious movie matriarch. notorious, because she's known among inner circles as someone who doesn't pay her laborers on time. late na nga, inadequate pa. ahahay. ewan ko ba kung bat napasok ko and proyektong ito. siguro nga hindi naman talaga ako nagtatrabaho para lang sa pera. kasi napakatino ng mga katrabaho ko. napakabait ng producer namin. wala akong masabi, parang pamilya na halos ang turingan. at sabi nga nila, if you don't get a taste of r3gal, your experience of the local film industry won't be absolute. kasi sya na daw yung may pinaka-dreary working conditions. haha.

the other day during the meeting the matriarch herself sat with us. despite the unflattering funny things i've heard about her (the stories have somekinda transformed her into a caricature of the typical tsinoy businessman in the film biz), i still couldn't help marveling at the mere fact that i was in the presence of someone who's been a big influence in the film business for the past twenty years. and someone who's helped shaped the careers of people like ishma bernal, peque gallaga, jeffr3y j3turian, and other film "gods" i've come to regard with respect.

karakter si m0ther, she doesn't pull the stops when it comes to belching out comments. off the top of her head talaga. over the speaker phone she was talking to someone from the currently-shooting m@no p0. apparently she'd seen the rushes (the raw unedited footage) from the film's first few shooting days and she wasn't too happy with one of the film's stars. "sabihan mo d1na (bonnevie), magpapayat. she's FAT!" this drew guffaws from everyone in the room. "para syang...sino ba...ike lozada!" haha. candidly funny. she reminds me of someone like my mother, embarrasses people without even being aware of it.

kumusta na kaya si direk. isang shooting day na lang ang natitira from our other project, which is tentatively on saturday. kung pwede lang hatakin ang mga araw para saturday na uli. pati tuloy yung mga palabas sa TV na hindi ko naman talaga pinapanood, tumututok na ko dahil isa sya sa mga co-creators. hay. it's crazy whenever i go through this phase.

first time series 1: spa

today i went to a spa for the first time. wouldn't have gone if it weren't for free. di kasi ko health buff, at naniniwala akong ang pinakamainam na cure to stress and toxic overload ay pahinga at tubig. haha.

but this morning i found myself at a spa. on assignment. i was tasked by a newbie travel magazine to write a review of the establishment's services. in short, a sampler experience in exchange for promotional written material. aha, the perks of rackets. ahlavet!

ewan ko kung anong ine-expect ko, but initially i was a bit disappointed to see that the place was actually just a tad above the average working man's massage parlor. only difference is, malinis sya, at legit sya (meaning walang "extra services" from the masseusses, which could actually be a minus for denizens who are looking for such "extras"). pero syempre pag sinulat ko na yung article, i'd probably say that the place is "a comfy nook in the middle of the metropolis". haha. well totoo naman, na isa syang "comfy nook". hindi sya "oasis" at malayong-malayo sya sa bonggang spas na nakikita sa pages ng Inquirer Lifestyle (hahaha siguro ito nga ang in-expect ko bago ako pumunta sa spa na yon!), but it serves the purpose. the cubicles were dimly (almost lullingly) lit, and the place smelled faintly of some earthy aromatic oil. hmm.

the working middle-class person will find this spa functional enough to relieve the holiday stress away, i constructed the sentence in my head as i toured the place, snapping pictures. syempre di naman pwedeng gamitin yung "working middle class person", kasi parang lumalabas na jologs lang ang makaka-appreciate nung lugar (na medyo hindi naman malayo sa katotohanan, pero syempre taboo sabihin). ehe. pretensyosa. pero syempre, may politics pa ring kasama sa likod ng mga magazine articles na yan. best to save the real story for the personal blog.

i was asked to strip down to my bare essentials and take a steam bath for fifteen minutes. nakapag-steam bath na ko before (sinasama ko dati ng nanay ko sa mga weight-loss sessions nya sa slimmer's world nung hayskul ako), pero ten minutes pa lang, hindi ko na matagalan ang init. naisip ko tuloy bigla ang impyerno, at nung mga sandaling yon parang gusto ko nang magsisi at magpakabait dahil pihadong mas mainit ang impyerno kesa sa steam bath na yon. araguuy!

after ten minutes in the steam room, then came the best part: a full body massage. my masseuse, in fairness, had such nimble, pressure-calibrated hands. i was lulled to half-sleep in a matter of minutes. habang minamasahe nya ko, kinukwento nya ang buhay nya. haha. naalala ko tuloy yung isang short story ni butch d@lisay tungkol sa isang masahista sa isang seedy massage parlor. wala nang bago sa storya ng masahista ko. naisip ko tuloy sana hindi ko na lang sya chinika para mas nakapag-concentrate sya sa pagmamasahe. hahaha. sama ano.

after an hour of kneading, pressing, rubbing, and stretching, i was done. unknotted, a bit sore in certain places, but definitely more relaxed than when i first came in. i learned that the entire body massage-with-steam-bath package cost less than P500. in fairness, it was, well, worth it. the excellently-handled massage session made all the difference.

so i came away wondering how i was going to write that friggin article. i still am, now. thanks to the massage, nakatulog lang ako buong maghapon, so ngayon maghahapit ako buong magdamag para ma-meet ang deadline bukas. hmm, kung tutuusin madali lang naman yon. 800 words, photo-heavy. para lang akong nagsulat ng blog entry. pero syempre nagpo-procrastinate pa rin ako. kaya inuna ko munang ikwento dito sa blog, to get me started somehow.

haha! pasensya na kung na-bore kayo. praktis lang. :-)

girl friend

10:32 pm. ready to kiss the world goodnight.

despite two yet-to-be-accomplished items in the To-Do list. remnants from the To-Do lists since two days ago. hay. going out eats up the hours, the days. i hate going out.

yesterday i had to go out for the sake of meeting a longtime friend who's leaving for the States this week. pretty soon she'll be staying there for good, and, out of sentimentality (and, well, a sense of, erm, duty), i went all the way to makati to see her before she leaves. haha, panget no. duty ba. ibig sabihin hindi bukal sa loob. ok lang naman kaso ang layo ng lugar na kailangang puntahan, at marami pa kong tasks na di pa nagagawa, at masama ang pakiramdam ko.

pero ok lang. kasi mahal ko ang kaibigan kong to. how many times have i proven to myself that she is one of those people who will still be there even if i myself would no longer be there for me. ilang projects na ba ang pinagdaanan namin, from my undergrad thesis to boracay to my quickie low-budget music videos to gg at waterina. ilang crushes at so-called love interests ko na ba ang halos nakilala na nya nang husto sa (paulit-ulit na) pagkukwento at pagko-confide ko (at ilang beses na rin nya ko nasabihang "eto na naman tayo" at "naikwento mo na yan eh". hahaha). kahit nakakalimutan ko ang birthdays nya (mahina talaga ang memorya ko sa mga ganyan, at alam nya yon), kahit wala ako sa ilan sa pinaka-trying times sa buhay nya lately (nagka-bell's syndrome pala sya and had to undergo treatment for several weeks, and during that time busy ako sa sarili kong buhay at wala kaming masyadong contact bukod sa panaka-nakang "musta" sa text). she's always been there for me, most of the time. para makicelebrate sa happiest times ng buhay ko, para maging hingahan ng sama ng loob during the dreariest hours, para maging source of moral support, tagapagsermon, tagapag-untog ng ulo ko sa pader sa mga panahong kelangan kong magising sa katotohanan.

she's the one who doesn't mince words pagdating sa kin, who would tell me what she thinks to my face, keber na kung magalit ako o ma-offend ako. at sya lang ang kaibigan kong hindi ako nangingiming awayin o sabihin nang diretso ang nasa isip ko, kahit alam kong argumento ang maaring kahinatnan, kasi alam kong kahit ano pang lala ng pagtatalo namin, mananatili pa rin kaming magkaibigan.

naaalala ko minsan, nag-away kami, nasabihan ko sya na minsan ayoko nang kinakausap sya dahil laging nahahantong sa argumento ang usapan namin. lagi kasi syang nangpo-provoke. madalas mangontra. "para kang nanay ko," sabi ko sa kanya. "you always put me on the defensive!" naiyak sya sa mga sinabi ko. hindi ko in-expect na didibdibin nya yon. kaya daw pala nararamdaman nyang parang lumalayo na ang loob ko sa kanya. na parang nawawala na ko. lalo akong natawa sa sinabi nyang yon. na lalo nyang ikinainis. in the end, after much apologies (kahit medyo natatawa pa rin ako), nag-reconcile pa rin kami. pero don ko na-realize kung gaano pala ako kamahal ng kaibigan kong to.

sa totoo lang, sa sampung taon na lumipas simula nang maging friends kami, i've felt that we've been evolving into very different persons. yan naman lagi ang problema sa long-term, long-distance friendships. nag-iiba na ang mga mundo nyo, nag-iiba na kayo ng interests, yung mga things-in-common, unti-unti na ring hindi nagiging common sa inyong dalawa. nakakalungkot. pero isa sya sa mga kasong siguro eh matuturing kong exceptional. kasi sa simula't sapul pa lang hindi ko nga mapinpoint kung pano kami naging magkaibigan. lagi kaming nagtatalo! ultimo sa pagpili ng resto na kakainan hanggang sa mga prinsipyo sa buhay, ibang-iba kami. pero siguro nga tama sya. siguro nga yun yung common thing na nagba-bind sa min--that we've agreed to disagree, and somehow look out for each other. critic to the other, defender of the other pag involved na ang ibang tao.

isang beses nung april, on the night before i was to leave for vietnam, bigla akong nagkaproblema sa former bossing at nanganganib na ma-postpone ang flight ko dahil sa isang nawawalang portfolio (hay, long story). sya ang unang tinawagan ko. at sya rin ang nagsabi sa kin na, ano ka ba, wala ka na dyan, wag mo nang problemahin yan, lilipad ka na bukas, kaya lumayas ka na dyan at kebs na sa kanila. syempre hindi ko sya sinunod. pero ang laking comfort. na meron akong kakampi. na merong mga dumadamay sa kin. at sobrang grateful ako sa kanya for that.

so she's leaving in a matter of days. masaya ko para sa kanya, kasi matagal na nyang pinapangarap na makapunta ng amerika. feeling daw kasi nya andun ang magiging buhay nya, na ang future nya--hindi lang financial, encompassing all aspects of life na ito--ay wala sa pilipinas. malungkot isipin dahil hindi ako sanay na wala sya dito pero optimistic ako para sa kanya. hoping and praying na mahahanap nga nya sa states ang lahat-lahat ng hindi nya nahanap dito sa pinas. fulfillment, self-actualization (haha, favorite naming term yan), success, maybe even love.

hay girl friend, mami-miss talaga kita. :-(

the love-hate relationship of jekyll and hyde

2:25 am. yawning already.

i wonder what he did on his birthday. i wonder if there was a party with the exclusive set of friends. wonder, wonder, argh. god forbid the wrongest persons should stumble upon this blog and put the pieces together. that would've been way too... movie-ish to happen in real life.

eh wala eh. masaya eh. light simple close-to-bliss happiness, sans the expectations, sans the doubts and the questions. the facts are in black and white, laid out on the table in plain sight. wala nang guessing games. it's just a matter of deciding which of the facts you would opt to (conveniently) ignore, if only to preserve the ideal image of the person in your head. dangerous kung seseryosohin mo, pero kung wala lang naman, and if that would make you happy for the moment, then why the hell not. at least masaya ang mga entries ko sa blog na to. at least di ba? hehe.

yawning, still. just have to finish this cigarette. the other day i went on somekinduva "date" with the same person i'd been somekinda "seeing" for some months now (oo, kahit naturingang fag-hag ako may pagka-semi active din naman ang social life ko no. hehe). masaya naman, baka nga sa ilang beses na nakasama ko tong taong ito nung isang araw lang yung masasabi kong truly enjoyable para sa kin, and i have a nagging suspicion that it was because i kept "screwing" the previous ones with my own self-defense mechanisms. pwede na nga siguro akong magsulat ng Idiot's Guide on How To Ruin a Date sa dinami-dami ng mga sablay ko when it comes to dating decorum. hahaha.

but on that day i was on my best behavior. kasi hihingi ako ng favor. ansama ano. but that was the least i could do to show him that i was grateful. showing him my best side. providing good company. and it wasn't hard, because the months that passed between us have somehow mellowed down the praning-ness in me. haha. dahil mas kilala ko na, somehow alam ko na kung pano i-handle ang sitwasyon, at alam ko kung anong level ng trust ang pwede kong ibigay. so the result was a chattier, more companionable, warmer me. halleluiah.

panahon lang naman pala ang katapat ko. haha. para mag-warm up sa tao, that is. at tratuhin syang kaibigan, at the very least. pero hindi ko alam kung may romantic promise ba ang premise ng storyang ito. kasi ang problema, romantic-idealist ako. nagpupumilit lang maging cynical for the sake of self-preservation, pero in deep, romantic. mushy. adik sa kilig. naniniwala sa fairy tales, sa "magic", sa konsepto ng Ideal Guy. at naniniwala din ako na pag na-meet mo ang isang tao, you will know. kung sya na nga ang taong matagal mo nang hinihintay.

ulch. that sounds cheesy. pero yun talaga ang pananaw ko.

ang problema kasi, may mga taong okay na siguro sa totoong mundo, yung tipong boto ang lahat ng kaibigan mo at buong pamilya mo, pero may nakikita ka pa ring kulang. not necessarily sa kanya; sa buong scenario in general. ewan. baka nga naman ganon naman talaga sa tunay na buhay. baka naman kelangan ko nang tigilan ang pagpapantasyang magkakaroon ako ng isang take-my-breath-away kinduva love affair some fine fine day. pati na rin yung favorite fantasy ko tungkol sa isang alternate universe, kung san straight ang mga bading crushes ko at naiin-love sila sa mga katulad ko. hahaha.

masaya, masaya. my favorite word. masaya naman talaga nung isang araw. parang kulang ang buong afternoon at evening. inosente, walang malisya, walang bahid ng "pamemechay", friendly, companionable. at least i've been in worse dates. i've been with more forgettable persons. in fairness to this guy. and whether he'd still be "around" one year from now or not, i'll always owe him the memories i've kept in Time Capsule #002. regardless of whatever, cause like i said before, there are certain things that a girl won't forget. kahit sino pang tao ang involved.

that's not to say, though, that there's a promise to anything or whatever, of any sort. at all. cause each time the optimistic jekyll in me surfaces, the self-preserving hyde always comes out to neutralize things. it's a defense mechanism that might have its downsides but it has saved me several times in the past. truth remains pa rin. lulutang at lulutang pa rin sya. kahit ano pang sabihin ko sa sarili ko, i still wouldn't want to have jekyll without the security of having hyde.

highlighted in neon pink

prensters na kami. wee.
he turned 34 today. haberday, most esteemed luminary/goddess of two worlds/ storytelling stalwart. may your brilliance rub off on lowly earth dwellers like me. at sana rin dumami pa ang mga kagaya mo.

hay. sayang talaga ang genes mo. who knows how many geniuses would have sprung out from the right combination of X and Y. my X, your Y. hehe. naiimagine ko na ang reaction ng mga badinggerzi friends ko habang binabasa nila 'to. hahahaha!

on our the third-to-the last shooting day, something memorable happened. i was gifted with a goodbye "beso". of course it meant nothing (hello? sinasabi pa ba yon!), pero syempre kilig-worthy pa rin. kasi first time ko syang naka-"beso". haha!

solved na ko sa "beso" e, masaya na kong makakauwi, pero nung may pahabol pa syang, "thanks, saffron.", shet, tumaas yata ang presyon ko for a microsecond. kasi first time din nya kong pinasalamatan nang personal at the end of a work day. syempre, feeling last-day na kasi kaming lahat at that time kaya nagpaulan na ng mga besos at thank-yous ang mga utaw, pero iba pa rin talaga ano, pag special yung tao. lalo na kung hindi kayo friends at malayong-malayo ang loob nya sa yo, at halos Q&A lang ang paminsan-minsanang pag-uusap nyo at work.

bookmarked pa rin ang lahat ng detalye. highlighted ang mga letra in neon pink. kahit alam mong wala lang yun sa tao, masaya ka pa rin. kebs na kung wala kang makitang logic sa pagiging masaya mo. basta masaya ka, tapos!

ahahay! napaka-exciting ng buhay ko, no. :-P

the old, the new, and the hybrids of both

this past week i have...
...gone to an out-of-town film shoot for four days straight
...trudged through an unimaginable volume of wet sticky mud all day and night (it was part of the set)
...shared temporary quarters with a local "stalwart" in underwater cinematography ("down-to-earth" is a mild word to describe her. ambait! i'd run out of superlatives.)
...cavorted in the amorsolic countryside for the first time in years
...rode on the backseat of a tricycle right beside the current Apple-of-my-Eye (a kilig-worthy memory, hahaha)
...ate like there was no tomorrow (and there always was...and each "tomorrow" would witness the pounds pile up virtually as fast as i could say "oink")
...dressed up in the morning sans the usual rituals (the new ritual was "Ligo, Punas, Bihis"--wala nang suklay-suklay, let alone face powder!) because of time constraints
...been getting myself tanned and shriveled from the exterior day-long shoots (and now i've been showing off my tan lines to anyone who'd comment about how dark i'd become. hahaha)
...cleaned the bathroom floor of hard-to-melt mud with an entire roll of one-ply tissue (one of the most euw-inspiring things i've done in recent memory. argh)
...lost my cellphone and got it back again (buti na lang nag-iba ko ng SIM card for the four-day shoot...at buti na lang kaibigan ko ang nakakuha)
...been almost completely cut off from the outside world, as far as cellphones are concerned (there were no cell sites for miles in the location where shooting would usually take place)
...taken about a thousand photos with my trusty digital camera (of nearly every scene, and nearly everyone, except, erm, Direk. go figure)
...been smiling more often than usual. argh.
...bought a book for the first time in months
...attended a classmate-friend's baby shower for the time ever (anubayun, childbearing age na pala kami. nagdadalaga pa lang ako eh)
...committed myself to a project which i'm convinced would do me good in the future. it may not exactly end up feeding the passions, but right now the pragmatic little devil in me is rearing its ugly head again. nah. it's not like i'm taking on a life-consuming, time-consuming, self-consuming job like the once i previously did for TV. this one's gonna be a walk in the park, compared to my erstwhile horror days. i think.
...been secretly enjoying someone's presence, sans the expectations (something i haven't experienced since the time of Frog Princess. aww)

i love being busy. i love being out there. i just want to keep going and going and not ever stay still, ever. work will always get in the way of the things i really want to do but this time around i know where the difference will lie. when back then i had let the work consume me, this time around i will set aside a portion of my time and thoughts to the labors-of-love.

find the time. if you can't find it, then friggin' make it. no excuses. work is not an alibi. at all.

hay, puro pep talk sa sarili. gawin mo na lang noh!

nakakatawang nakakaiyak ang masaklap na katotohanan

eto na naman ako, balik sa dating modus operandi. how many time have i been through this, and each time i'd find myself in the same little rut.

interesado ka sa isang tao? anong gagawin mo? hindi mo naman kayang kunin ang cellphone number nya, hindi mo rin kayang makipagkaibigan. in the first place, hindi rin naman advisable na gawin ang options 1 and 2, kasi hindi mo naman intensyon na gumawa ng paraan para mas mapalapit ka sa kanya, much less--argh--ligawan sya (although interesanteng ideya, kung baliktad lang ang mundo at ang mga bading ay straight at tinubuan ng balls ang mga torpeng manang na katulad ko). so ang best option, to feed your curiosity (and your fancies as well) is mag-research.

ano pa nga naman ba ang silbi ng prenster sa buhay mo, bukod sa paglalabas ng angst via bulletin board surveys at pagpo-post ng mga pa-cute mong pictures. and so you people-search. at nahanap mo sya.

ang cute talaga, kilig mo pang sabi sa sarili mo habang pinagmamasdan ang mga piktyurs nya. nakakaloka. kasi akala mo hindi ka na makakakita ng taong halos ayaw mo nang ialis ang mga mata mo. ang sarap nyang tingnan, lalo na pag sa personal, at nakatingin sya sa yo, parang gusto mong iiwas ang tingin mo dahil takot kang mabasa nya sa mga mata mong hirap na hirap magsinungaling na gusto mo sya. aray ko. baka sabunutan ka kasi. or at best, baka mandiri sa yo. ang bilat na to. asa ka pa. yan naman lagi ang kinatatakutan ko. na pag nalaman ng isang bading na may gusto ako sa kanya, biglang magsi-angatan ang mga anti-female firewalls sa paligid nya at hindi na ko kibuin forever.

sa mahabang history ko ba naman ng hopeless cases, you'd think i'd learn the lesson.
parang inimbento yata ang term na "fag hag" para sa kin. ahay, bwiset. ewan ko ba kung anong charm meron sila. kung anong aura ba ang umaalingasaw sa mga yan, bukod sa kalangsahan. sorry ha, hindi ako bitter. i'm the farthest from bitter. pero alas-dos na kasi ng umaga at katatapos ko lang mag-"research".

so balik tayo sa prenster at kung anong mga nadiskubre ko don tungkol kay Direk. the one who would've been Perfect in another time and place, my current Epitome of Everything I've Wanted to Love in a Guy. who happens to be gay. ang sakit no. pero masakit lang pakinggan, dahil sa totoo lang, nakakatawa sya.

natuwa ako hindi lang dahil sa mga piktyurs, kundi dahil may blog din sya. wow, sabi ko. didn't i just say earlier (to myself lang naman) na pag nagkaroon ako ng chance, i'd love to sit down with him and pick his brains? what makes this "stalwart" tick? what is he made of? little thingies, little factbites, that you'd get simply by listening to him speak. pero eto na, may blog na sa harap ko. hindi ko na kelangan ng one-on-one interview. unless lang gusto kong makipagchikahan at gawin syang friend. na alam nating hindi ko kakayanin sa ngayon.

teka, flashback tayo to yesterday. i stumbled upon someone's blog. a girl, thirtyish, hindi naman kachakahan, mukha namang career-oriented person with a good head on her shoulders, pouring her heart out about her history of unrequited love for, what do you know, Direk himself. sa 31 years daw nyang inilagi sa mundo once pa lang daw sya na-in love, at yun ay si you-know-who. shocking! how silly of me to have thought na walang ibang nakakakita (o nakakita, at makakakita) ng nakikita ko. mapa-lalake man o babae. understandable na ang lalake at bading, pero babae? aba, hindi lang pala ako ang may kakrung-krungan pagdating sa mga bagay na ganito. nang tinanong nya sa blog nya kung bakit lagi syang nahuhulog sa mga taong hindi nya makukuha, kung bakit pinipili nyang pahirapan ang sarili nya in a way na hindi nya sinasadya, para kong naririnig ang sarili ko. letse. akala ko pa naman unique ako. akala ko pa naman maso-solo ko na ang titulo bilang Nag-Iisang Krung-Krung Over Direk. eh medyo nabubuhay pala ako sa sarili kong mundo. friends might say that i have horrible taste when it comes to men but maybe this time around may rason ako para, erm, mabighani. hahahaha.

hay, dyosko.

back to present time. habang binabasa ko ang blog nya, barrage of information ang nangyayari sa barndoors ng utak ko. apart from that, lalo nya kong napapahanga. dahil yung mga entries nya, although written in a conversational manner, sparkling pa rin. sparkling with insight, humor, unassuming sincerity. he writes with such ease, with such natural grace, hindi mo mamamalayan natatawa ka na pala nang malakas, o nauubos na pala ang oras. para san pa't hall-of-famer sya ng p@lanca, sabi ko sa sarili ko, pero beyond the titles and the awards, he was, without question, a real writer. someone who, when he writes, bonds with his readers, draws them in. by being himself. using vernacular language. no pretensions. no affected rhetorics. raw, conversational chika. with a punchline or two seamlessly thrown in, every once in a while.

putcha. i-dissect ba ang writing style ng isang taong malamang eh nagkukwento lang? katawa. stalwart ba kamo? yung mga nabasa ko, taong-tao ang gumawa. isang taong makaka-relate ka, matatawa ka, at malamang eh inclined kang tratuhing kaibigan. may mga writers palang likeable at may rapport sa readers nila. considering na hindi "live" at face-to-face ang komunikasyon between writer and reader, nakakatuwang isipin na posible pala yun.

so nasa punto na siguro ako na parang feeling ko naiinlab na ko sa kanya nang biglang bumulaga sa kin ang ilang, erm, bold confessions tungkol sa kanyang personal life. okay. sparkling, inspired writing pa rin, insightful at nakakatawa. pero nung nagkukwento na sya tungkol sa mga ex-boyfriends nya, at sa mga kung anik-anik pang ka-pechayan na may kinalaman sa kabadingan, natatawa ako na gusto ring maiyak. aray ko, direk, panira ka naman ng ilusyon e. malapit ko nang paniwalain ang sarili ko sa isang imaheng ikaw-na-hindi-ikaw. kahit kababawang crush lang na naturingan eh nakakalungkot din naman pala. ilang buwan nga ba kong nagdaan sa paulit-ulit na cycle ng inspirasyon/disilusyon nung si Frog Princess pa ang pinepedestal ko. masakit yun, kasi sineryoso ko. masakit yun, kasi intense, at dahil nabubuhay ako sa happiness na nakukuha ko sa isang maliit na ilusyon (teka, baka naman hindi sya out-and-out na bading, baka naman may pag-asa, kahit papano...hahahaha ewan ko sa sarili ko!) each time reality would clobber me on the head, i would always be bleeding.

naku, naisip ko. parang ayoko na yatang pagdaananan ang ganon. di bale na lang, hindi ko na ie-encourage ang umuusbong na kabaliwang ito. walong araw ko pa syang makakatrabaho. kelangang maging emotionally stable para magawa ang dapat gawin. at emotionally detached. because the alternative option just might bring me more frustration than inspiration.

wasn't it just hours ago when i'd resolved to go back to loving the unattainable-by-default, because i'd thought it would be emotionally safer? pano yan, ganon din naman yata. magmahal ka ng straight, masasaktan ka. magmahal ka ng bading, masasaktan ka pa rin. wala naman yatang safe sa buhay na to. laging may risks. and most of the time, sa kaso ko, kung hindi ako disappointed, frustrated naman ako. aba, eh pwede bang maging tibo na lang, baka sakaling maiba-iba naman ang storya, baka maging happy ending pa?

aaah! damn nature. men will be men and gays will be gays. and girls like me are doomed to love either of the two. haha. nakakatawang-nakakaiyak. na nakakaloka din, sa totoo lang.

stalwart-struck

September 25, Monday.
Day 1 of 10 (shooting) days for a new film. I'm back to Script Girl mode--timer, pen, digicam, and beltbag-of-goodies around my waist--for a "sampu-sampu" (parang "pito-pito" noon ni M0ther L1ly!) movie about some catastrophe that happened in the Visayas one year ago. the past two projects had seen a little of jaded-laborer me, but i decided that for this new one, i'm goin back to what got me excited about this line of job, from the very beginning.

the adventure. the great outdoors. the chasing of goats, the sailing of boats, the fleshing out of a movie from written words to moving images. and all that jazz.

so Day 1 took me to a new place for the first time--the little sub-rural village of San Jose del Monte, Bulacan, 4 hours away from Manila. it was basically the same group of workers from the last project, but Day 1 would always see people--no matter how familiar they are with each other--adjusting to the whole Day One shenanigan, especially with a new direk, and a new cast.

i'd been forewarned by the people around me that the (Diamond) Star of the Movie was going to be a handful, what with her status and all (if it's Ang3l L0csin herself, of all people, who would give you pointers on how to handle diva-esque stars like this, hindi ka ba mate-tense?! dear girl, wasn't i nice to you back then?). thank god i wasn't the one assigned to directly deal with her. and so at 10 am everyone from crew to staff was all set to roll, but the Star still wasn't anywhere in sight.

when she did appear, though, the persona she showed us was quite different from what i'd been warned of. much petite in real life than on TV, she wasn't quite as intimidating as i'd expected. and she was in a good mood althroughout. that was what the special treatment was for, anyway--an aircon tent all to herself, a bouquet of flowers welcoming her in her private nook, a smiling uber-polite, uber-careful staff and crew. hahay. amazing how this industry's star-driven system could hinge or unhinge depending on the mood of one artista.

it's the direk's first time to make a feature-length on 35mm film (his previous works were shot on digital camera, some were made-for-tv), and from a script that he also wrote. writer-director. auteur was what they called it in the film books. i'm a bit in awe of him. a bit outrageously in awe, actually, to the point of, erm, secret adulation. haha. eh kasi naman. back in 1999, a much esteemed professor of mine had described this direk (who was still just a writer at that time) as a "screenwriting stalwart". hwow. nakakatawa, kasi sa apat na taon ko sa industriya marami na rin naman akong na-meet na supposed "stalwarts" (yung tipong mga personahe na pinapag-aralan lang namin noon sa eskwela),pero hindi naman ako na-starstruck. o stalwart-struck. bat ngayon na-shy ako bigla.

maybe because i wasn't expecting this particular "stalwart" to be, ehem, cute.
hahaha. ok, eto na naman tayo.

cute, tsaka cool. cool in the sense na hindi sya imposing presence, given that he's someone who, at a relatively young age, is hall-of-famer na ng p@lanca (uh-oh. giveaway na. ilan lang ba ang bagets na hall-of-famers don?). and for his age and status, he surprisingly carries himself with such youthful...grace. haha. grace is a good term to use. grace in quirky, cool fashion.

so finally nahanap ko na ang isang personahe na pwedeng ipantapat ke Frog Princess. aba! lumelebel. because for the longest time, Frog Princess has been the epitome of all i've ever wanted to love in a guy. well, except yung pagka-bading nya (which, comically, makes all the friggin difference). but one of my recurring realizations when it comes to the stuff of fluff is that each time I fall for someone i'd be so convinced that it's the Real Thing. "Ito" na. "Sya" na. only to realize later na hindi pala. lilipas din pala.

and eventually every case would be relegated to the archives section. o mako-contain na lang sa isang time capsule. for future reference, for the sake of memories.

so figuratively speaking ipinapasa na ni Frog Princess ang korona at kapa sa bagong imaheng ito as my Updated Version of the Ideal Guy. mas Ideal pa nga sya kesa sa kanyang predecessor, dahil si Frog Princess, hindi naman hall-of-famer. haha. ewan ko ba, there's a certain attractiveness to someone who is inarguably talented, accomplished and successful in the field that i'm in, at an age na hindi pa sya amoy-lupa o sandamukal na ang apo at apo-sa-tuhod. kaya in awe ako. stalwart-struck. happy for the chance to work closely with a rising luminary of contemporary pinoy cinema.

naks. nako eto na naman tayo. but passing fancies like these would, of course, only be good for as long as the person would be in sight. and i have a mere eight days for that. eight days would be safe enough to keep me from going on "intense" mode again. argh, hellish.

by the way, bading pala sya. nasabi ko na yata yon in a previous entry. tragicomic, because my record hasn't been broken. para bang invisible item in the "He-Must-Be" checklist. he-must-be-gay. haha. tragicomic, kasi hindi ko naman sinasadya. lagi-lagi lang nagkakataon.

umulan nang malakas on Day 1, so the shoot was unexpectedly wrapped early. but it was a relatively good day. but there were 9 days to go still.

September 26, Tuesday.
Day 2 of 10 days. Location was in Boso-Boso, Antipolo, wilderness of some sort where cellphone signals were literally nonexistent, as far as Globe is concerned. argh. tougher day than Day 1. like the protagonists in our movie we were all at the mercy of the elements (pag umulan, tengga ang shoot, dahil exteriors ang karamihan ng eksena). thank god the heavens were smiling on us most of the time. plus the fact that the direk was relatively faster than most first-time direks i'd worked with. we packed up the shoot at 2 am, with every scene in the shooting schedule completed.

no problems with the Star at all. she was in her best behavior. at one point she told me good-naturedly, "Kakarampot ka rin ano?" referring to my petite size. "Sinong mas matangkad sa ting dalawa?" and then she launched on a detailed account of how she got herself in shape for the role. haha. that was cute. you develop more patience for these kinds of small talk, if that's what it takes to keep certain people happy. weehoo. crazy starstruck system. :-)

hay. on my toes, always. as i should always be. 8 more days to go. on Day 2 i'd managed to take solo pictures of nearly everyone in the staff, but i couldn't summon enough guts to openly take a snapshot of the direk. hehe. like how i couldn't summon enough guts to hug the frog princess goodbye when our show ended some months ago. or send an innocent "musta?" msg to someone else, some weeks before.

keyword: malisya. ehe. i'm a bad actress in real life. most of the time.

and a pattern freak, too. i crave for variety in certain aspects of my life but when it comes to the fluff, i repeat my history over and over and over again. so meron na namang makakatanggap ng "Sayang Ka Siztah" award this year. hay. paulit-ulit na lang, paiba-iba lang ang screen name. how many times am i gonna say that.

at least. at this stage, mas safe na to kesa sa mga "risque" cases. yung mga tipong pwedeng i-reciprocate ang affections mo. dahil sa mga kasong pwedeng ma-reciprocate, most of the time it's a question of how long they would be able to, if they actually would. or could. i've discovered enough about myself to know that i'm not the type who would settle for something half-baked and temporary, when it comes to the so-called fluff life. ganon e. kahit gustuhin ko man di talaga kakayanin. i'm too intense for frivolous stuff, an all-or-nothing nutcase.

on the morning of Day 1 i knew that i was saying ta-ta--all too happily, perhaps--to a chapterette in my life. for the past three weeks it took all of my self-restraint to remain on the passive end--despite the internal tumult, the moments of torturous cognitive dissonance, the denial and the self-berating. there were "triumphant" moments though, for the female pride, at least. at least the choice had been mine. i stuck to my principles, kahit masama ang loob. kahit na nagrebelde ang buong pagkatao ko sa mga hindi ko sinabi at hindi ko ginawa. because my mind told me--and the minds of other level-headed friends as well--that it was the right thing to do. and it was. is.

on that morning, though, i found myself initiating the perfect bookend to close an anomalous case. it had been shallow, ingenue-ish, anyway. hayskul ito. aminado naman akong may pagka-retarded ang EQ ko pagdating sa mga ganyan, pero hindi ko talaga masikmura ang kasong ito. i hated the experience. of going through certain emotions against my will. despite all indicators that it would be emotionally unhealthy. and that i wasn't just being paranod or pessimistic this time. god knew how long i'd waited for answers to a multitude of questions. but sometimes the answers to our questions would be right in front of us and still we couldn't recognize them.

conditioning. pavlov style. you get used to something, when it's taken away from you, you feel as though something has been taken away from you as well. it was a stupid reaction, but for someone retarded-in-that-aspect like me, it was probably an average reaction of the neurotic non-normal girl. i don't know if it was intentional on the other person's part. i brave an educated guess that it wasn't. which hurt more than the other option.

but that was weeks ago, and i'm starting to feel like it was eons ago. it's a process towards indifference, and pavlov's dogs did go through reverse-conditioning, too. on that morning, though, the morning of the start of a new adventure that would take my mind off things, i felt the urge to do something that i'd managed to avoid doing. i took the initiative. for the sake of catharsis. and peace of mind. and a fitting friggin bookend.

press send.

it had been a "safe" feeler, and i got my answer, a few hours later. the same old dolled-up nothings. nothing new. but this time around i drove the stake through the heart of the matter. with a short reply that carried a wealth of subliminal meanings for me. and that was when i think i finally drove the message home.

anong ginagawa mo? i was asked, in suspiciously frilly language.
i replied: shooting
terse, one-word, with no punctuation. ah. the subtext in txt. i've no time for this. i don't want to have time for this. i'm knee-deep in my own world. get friggin lost.

something that could be pretty much left unreplied to.
a moment later, the reply came.
ah ok di na kita iistorbohin, in the same iffy "landi" language.
and that was the end of that. the bookend. the message hit home. even if, at that moment, i had wanted to say other things. i had wanted to keep the exchange going, for a million "taboo" reasons that i didn't want to admit to myself. pero enough na. i'd been saying that to me for the longest time now. you'll recognize a pattern as you breeze through each and every case. that's what the archives section is for, for me to go back to and recall previous cases, para ma-apply sa kasulukuyan. i'd been through this before, and i learned my lesson.

what did oprah say, anyway. if someone really wanted you, nothing could keep him away. and in a point-by-point analysis of the matter, the person failed miserably. which could only mean that the "risque" in this case is not worth the risk.

what was i thinking anyway.

and so i'm back to the safe ideals. the ones who could've been Perfect in another time and place. the hall-of-famers. the ones to put on pedestals. the ones who are unattainable by default, but adored just the same. it will keep me smiling and stable for the moment, and for the moment that's all i need to be able to focus on other things.

it's a long life ahead, still. beyond being stalwart-struck, beyond living through the current adventure, i want to think i'm bound to live through more exciting times. more happy, interesting things to happen in bigger worlds. bright new progressive outcomes. and i'm going to write it all here.

the direk is an inspiration. we came from different backgrounds, maybe even want different things, but he inspires me. in more ways than one. hahi. klosetang pechay ito.