stalwart-struck

September 25, Monday.
Day 1 of 10 (shooting) days for a new film. I'm back to Script Girl mode--timer, pen, digicam, and beltbag-of-goodies around my waist--for a "sampu-sampu" (parang "pito-pito" noon ni M0ther L1ly!) movie about some catastrophe that happened in the Visayas one year ago. the past two projects had seen a little of jaded-laborer me, but i decided that for this new one, i'm goin back to what got me excited about this line of job, from the very beginning.

the adventure. the great outdoors. the chasing of goats, the sailing of boats, the fleshing out of a movie from written words to moving images. and all that jazz.

so Day 1 took me to a new place for the first time--the little sub-rural village of San Jose del Monte, Bulacan, 4 hours away from Manila. it was basically the same group of workers from the last project, but Day 1 would always see people--no matter how familiar they are with each other--adjusting to the whole Day One shenanigan, especially with a new direk, and a new cast.

i'd been forewarned by the people around me that the (Diamond) Star of the Movie was going to be a handful, what with her status and all (if it's Ang3l L0csin herself, of all people, who would give you pointers on how to handle diva-esque stars like this, hindi ka ba mate-tense?! dear girl, wasn't i nice to you back then?). thank god i wasn't the one assigned to directly deal with her. and so at 10 am everyone from crew to staff was all set to roll, but the Star still wasn't anywhere in sight.

when she did appear, though, the persona she showed us was quite different from what i'd been warned of. much petite in real life than on TV, she wasn't quite as intimidating as i'd expected. and she was in a good mood althroughout. that was what the special treatment was for, anyway--an aircon tent all to herself, a bouquet of flowers welcoming her in her private nook, a smiling uber-polite, uber-careful staff and crew. hahay. amazing how this industry's star-driven system could hinge or unhinge depending on the mood of one artista.

it's the direk's first time to make a feature-length on 35mm film (his previous works were shot on digital camera, some were made-for-tv), and from a script that he also wrote. writer-director. auteur was what they called it in the film books. i'm a bit in awe of him. a bit outrageously in awe, actually, to the point of, erm, secret adulation. haha. eh kasi naman. back in 1999, a much esteemed professor of mine had described this direk (who was still just a writer at that time) as a "screenwriting stalwart". hwow. nakakatawa, kasi sa apat na taon ko sa industriya marami na rin naman akong na-meet na supposed "stalwarts" (yung tipong mga personahe na pinapag-aralan lang namin noon sa eskwela),pero hindi naman ako na-starstruck. o stalwart-struck. bat ngayon na-shy ako bigla.

maybe because i wasn't expecting this particular "stalwart" to be, ehem, cute.
hahaha. ok, eto na naman tayo.

cute, tsaka cool. cool in the sense na hindi sya imposing presence, given that he's someone who, at a relatively young age, is hall-of-famer na ng p@lanca (uh-oh. giveaway na. ilan lang ba ang bagets na hall-of-famers don?). and for his age and status, he surprisingly carries himself with such youthful...grace. haha. grace is a good term to use. grace in quirky, cool fashion.

so finally nahanap ko na ang isang personahe na pwedeng ipantapat ke Frog Princess. aba! lumelebel. because for the longest time, Frog Princess has been the epitome of all i've ever wanted to love in a guy. well, except yung pagka-bading nya (which, comically, makes all the friggin difference). but one of my recurring realizations when it comes to the stuff of fluff is that each time I fall for someone i'd be so convinced that it's the Real Thing. "Ito" na. "Sya" na. only to realize later na hindi pala. lilipas din pala.

and eventually every case would be relegated to the archives section. o mako-contain na lang sa isang time capsule. for future reference, for the sake of memories.

so figuratively speaking ipinapasa na ni Frog Princess ang korona at kapa sa bagong imaheng ito as my Updated Version of the Ideal Guy. mas Ideal pa nga sya kesa sa kanyang predecessor, dahil si Frog Princess, hindi naman hall-of-famer. haha. ewan ko ba, there's a certain attractiveness to someone who is inarguably talented, accomplished and successful in the field that i'm in, at an age na hindi pa sya amoy-lupa o sandamukal na ang apo at apo-sa-tuhod. kaya in awe ako. stalwart-struck. happy for the chance to work closely with a rising luminary of contemporary pinoy cinema.

naks. nako eto na naman tayo. but passing fancies like these would, of course, only be good for as long as the person would be in sight. and i have a mere eight days for that. eight days would be safe enough to keep me from going on "intense" mode again. argh, hellish.

by the way, bading pala sya. nasabi ko na yata yon in a previous entry. tragicomic, because my record hasn't been broken. para bang invisible item in the "He-Must-Be" checklist. he-must-be-gay. haha. tragicomic, kasi hindi ko naman sinasadya. lagi-lagi lang nagkakataon.

umulan nang malakas on Day 1, so the shoot was unexpectedly wrapped early. but it was a relatively good day. but there were 9 days to go still.

September 26, Tuesday.
Day 2 of 10 days. Location was in Boso-Boso, Antipolo, wilderness of some sort where cellphone signals were literally nonexistent, as far as Globe is concerned. argh. tougher day than Day 1. like the protagonists in our movie we were all at the mercy of the elements (pag umulan, tengga ang shoot, dahil exteriors ang karamihan ng eksena). thank god the heavens were smiling on us most of the time. plus the fact that the direk was relatively faster than most first-time direks i'd worked with. we packed up the shoot at 2 am, with every scene in the shooting schedule completed.

no problems with the Star at all. she was in her best behavior. at one point she told me good-naturedly, "Kakarampot ka rin ano?" referring to my petite size. "Sinong mas matangkad sa ting dalawa?" and then she launched on a detailed account of how she got herself in shape for the role. haha. that was cute. you develop more patience for these kinds of small talk, if that's what it takes to keep certain people happy. weehoo. crazy starstruck system. :-)

hay. on my toes, always. as i should always be. 8 more days to go. on Day 2 i'd managed to take solo pictures of nearly everyone in the staff, but i couldn't summon enough guts to openly take a snapshot of the direk. hehe. like how i couldn't summon enough guts to hug the frog princess goodbye when our show ended some months ago. or send an innocent "musta?" msg to someone else, some weeks before.

keyword: malisya. ehe. i'm a bad actress in real life. most of the time.

and a pattern freak, too. i crave for variety in certain aspects of my life but when it comes to the fluff, i repeat my history over and over and over again. so meron na namang makakatanggap ng "Sayang Ka Siztah" award this year. hay. paulit-ulit na lang, paiba-iba lang ang screen name. how many times am i gonna say that.

at least. at this stage, mas safe na to kesa sa mga "risque" cases. yung mga tipong pwedeng i-reciprocate ang affections mo. dahil sa mga kasong pwedeng ma-reciprocate, most of the time it's a question of how long they would be able to, if they actually would. or could. i've discovered enough about myself to know that i'm not the type who would settle for something half-baked and temporary, when it comes to the so-called fluff life. ganon e. kahit gustuhin ko man di talaga kakayanin. i'm too intense for frivolous stuff, an all-or-nothing nutcase.

on the morning of Day 1 i knew that i was saying ta-ta--all too happily, perhaps--to a chapterette in my life. for the past three weeks it took all of my self-restraint to remain on the passive end--despite the internal tumult, the moments of torturous cognitive dissonance, the denial and the self-berating. there were "triumphant" moments though, for the female pride, at least. at least the choice had been mine. i stuck to my principles, kahit masama ang loob. kahit na nagrebelde ang buong pagkatao ko sa mga hindi ko sinabi at hindi ko ginawa. because my mind told me--and the minds of other level-headed friends as well--that it was the right thing to do. and it was. is.

on that morning, though, i found myself initiating the perfect bookend to close an anomalous case. it had been shallow, ingenue-ish, anyway. hayskul ito. aminado naman akong may pagka-retarded ang EQ ko pagdating sa mga ganyan, pero hindi ko talaga masikmura ang kasong ito. i hated the experience. of going through certain emotions against my will. despite all indicators that it would be emotionally unhealthy. and that i wasn't just being paranod or pessimistic this time. god knew how long i'd waited for answers to a multitude of questions. but sometimes the answers to our questions would be right in front of us and still we couldn't recognize them.

conditioning. pavlov style. you get used to something, when it's taken away from you, you feel as though something has been taken away from you as well. it was a stupid reaction, but for someone retarded-in-that-aspect like me, it was probably an average reaction of the neurotic non-normal girl. i don't know if it was intentional on the other person's part. i brave an educated guess that it wasn't. which hurt more than the other option.

but that was weeks ago, and i'm starting to feel like it was eons ago. it's a process towards indifference, and pavlov's dogs did go through reverse-conditioning, too. on that morning, though, the morning of the start of a new adventure that would take my mind off things, i felt the urge to do something that i'd managed to avoid doing. i took the initiative. for the sake of catharsis. and peace of mind. and a fitting friggin bookend.

press send.

it had been a "safe" feeler, and i got my answer, a few hours later. the same old dolled-up nothings. nothing new. but this time around i drove the stake through the heart of the matter. with a short reply that carried a wealth of subliminal meanings for me. and that was when i think i finally drove the message home.

anong ginagawa mo? i was asked, in suspiciously frilly language.
i replied: shooting
terse, one-word, with no punctuation. ah. the subtext in txt. i've no time for this. i don't want to have time for this. i'm knee-deep in my own world. get friggin lost.

something that could be pretty much left unreplied to.
a moment later, the reply came.
ah ok di na kita iistorbohin, in the same iffy "landi" language.
and that was the end of that. the bookend. the message hit home. even if, at that moment, i had wanted to say other things. i had wanted to keep the exchange going, for a million "taboo" reasons that i didn't want to admit to myself. pero enough na. i'd been saying that to me for the longest time now. you'll recognize a pattern as you breeze through each and every case. that's what the archives section is for, for me to go back to and recall previous cases, para ma-apply sa kasulukuyan. i'd been through this before, and i learned my lesson.

what did oprah say, anyway. if someone really wanted you, nothing could keep him away. and in a point-by-point analysis of the matter, the person failed miserably. which could only mean that the "risque" in this case is not worth the risk.

what was i thinking anyway.

and so i'm back to the safe ideals. the ones who could've been Perfect in another time and place. the hall-of-famers. the ones to put on pedestals. the ones who are unattainable by default, but adored just the same. it will keep me smiling and stable for the moment, and for the moment that's all i need to be able to focus on other things.

it's a long life ahead, still. beyond being stalwart-struck, beyond living through the current adventure, i want to think i'm bound to live through more exciting times. more happy, interesting things to happen in bigger worlds. bright new progressive outcomes. and i'm going to write it all here.

the direk is an inspiration. we came from different backgrounds, maybe even want different things, but he inspires me. in more ways than one. hahi. klosetang pechay ito.