sunday sunny sunday

i hate afternoons. especially the lunchtime hours.

a lot of things seem to piss me off these days. gah. on any ordinary time they probably wouldn't, but this is just the friggin worst time, really. for the smallest slightly unpleasant things to cross me path.

dreary. broken. lost in a maze of endless possibilities. shards of the former whole, all wanting to crawl towards a dozen different directions. but i go through a day like this, an afternoon like this. when i suddenly feel like skipping a meeting because it's something that i'm not really excited about. and the backlog work, the things-to-do, swim around in circles inside this strangely throbbing head, just waiting to be done.

let me get me-self together first. let me get some coffee first.

ang hirap ng malalim ang luha. minsan ganon ako. the depression stretches on far longer than when you cry it out of you in one sitting. wala namang dapat ikalungkot. kelangan lang maging assertive at positive ang attitude towards the future. marami akong doubts tungkol sa mga direksyong tinatahak ko these days, career-wise. marami akong gustong gawin. marami akong kelangang gawin. marami ding commitments na hindi ako sigurado kung tama bang ipagpatuloy gawin. ang hirap minsan, pag walang naka-layout na blueprint sa harap mo. kung nasa sa yo ang controls kung anong gusto mong pasukin. lalo na kung wala ka sa kondisyon. to do everything to get to what you want. to go the extra extra mile.

maybe it's just the afternoon. the clock pointing to 1 pm on a hot, hot day. and hearing the cacophony of showblitzy voices outside, singing some variety-show song on TV. i'm crossing over to different worlds. meeting different new people almost everyday. i used to love the whirlwind, but these days aren't like the others. there are possibilities that would instantly make you dubious, tempting as they are. because gut feel tells you that your heart isn't on it.

on the other hand, there are possibilities that would tempt you like hell and make you even doubly dubious, because gut feel tells you that it would be bad for you in the long run. and that it wouldn't last, because someone's heart, though not necessarily yours, isn't in on it. and you fight it to protect yourself, because you know that these could be strange, vulnerable times for you. and yet. still.

pano ko ba sasabihin sa kanya. na gusto kong mag-back out. dahil umalis na ko sa mundong yon, at hindi ko feel na bumalik uli. kahit na marami pang possibilities at connections na pwedeng mabuo, kahit na eventually maging successful ang venture. hindi ako managerial e. kelangan ko rin ng extra time para pagtangkaang gawin ang gusto ko talagang gawin. kung itutuloy ko to alam kong magpapakangarag na naman ako fulltime for a number of months. at alam ko rin na eventually, in the long run, i will quit.

gut feel tells me so. so what's the point of starting something if you know that it's gonna end for you, anyway.

magsisimula na naman ang bagong shoot. ano na ba ngayon? 17? tatlong araw na lang pala. kelangan nang ipa-bookbind ang script ko. kelangan ko nang tapusin ang clerical preprod work that is the Script Continuity Breakdown. sampung araw sa dating gawi. minsan nakakapagod na. minsan nag-aalinlangan ako. i've outgrown this job.

breaking through via politics in yet another different world. i want it bad enough so maybe i'll make time to hack it. it's not me, but i want it bad enough to give it a try, immersing myself in a world of endless gigs, bars, and artsy-fartsy peeps. hah. like starting from scratch for pop sellout me. but you build connections through camaraderie, didn't the Artsy Fartsy Doobista Dude say. it's gonna take some work. maybe one of these days i'll do that. after the new project is finished. when i'm back to assertive, positivist mode again.

hay. changing worlds. worlds apart. worlds away.
sadness. of the deep, melancholy kind.

i know i'm not making sense now. one year from now it wouldn't matter to me anymore. and one year from now maybe i'll be able to blog about it. laugh about it. learn from the whole anomalous experience that was all, really, just inside my head. just another one to add to the Blessings-That-Came-a-Little-Too-Late. just another funny-sad casualty.

these transient characters who make indelible impressions on me, maybe i'll find them again. in the films i dream of making, some fine day. resurrect them back into my life, like how tony leung's character did in 2046.

the prince that turned into a frog and then into a princess, eventually.
the charismatic lesbian chick who could turn straight girls around.
the philandering married dude who sensed trouble in the guise of a 25-year-old virgin.
the bitter old woman who fought with everybody and eventually died alone.
the struggling young actor who found the perfect "starring role" as a complainant-cum-police asset in an investigative news show.
the little lost boy who has yet to find himself.
the girl who always falls for gay men.

haha. possibly, maybe.

it's almost two pm. i'll stay home, for a change. re-psyche myself to get back in line. think of happier thoughts. like double dutch ice cream on a slow sad afternoon. and a finished Script Continuity Breakdown. and somekinda happy memories from the past few days, a few more items to add to my time capsules.

yea, double dutch ice cream would be a good idea right now.