dispersed thoughts, diversionary tactics

3:37 pm.
more depressed than ever. can't even open the file that i should've opened last night, instead of blogging here.

sigh.

been exchanging text msgs with my friend's "date" last night. hay nako. here we go again. this is the second of my friend's suitors who decided to turn me into somekinduva confidante/tip-giver. napakahaba naman ng hair mo, friend. mukhang kakaribalin mo pa si frog princess ko sa pagiging topnotcher in my list of Top Five Heartbreakers I've Known In This Lifetime.

the suitor said he was in love with my friend but he knew that my friend has feelings for someone else. i don't know how he could've found out about that. my friend's attracted to the neighborhood gym instructor, who, he ruefully tells me, is someone he probably couldn't get. the suitor said that after three weeks of courtship, parang "napapagod" na sya, because he's done his part.

somehow those words struck a cord in me. siguro iba lang talaga ang kaso pag guy-to-guy kumpara sa guy-to-girl. mas mabilis ang pacing ng mga gay relationships--you like me, i like you, let's hook up. pero dahil konserbatibo ang society natin, usually mas mahabang proseso pag babae ang nililigawan.

haha. backward conservative double-standard thinking, i know. i'd rather think that way than feel guilty. because there's nothing to feel guilty about. i've always made it clear that my options are open.

minsan naiisip ko siguro hindi pa ko ready. at 26. haha. isn't that the most ludicrous, hilarious, pathetic thing you've heard.

* * *

4 pm. before i face The File i intend to take a bath first. another excuse to bide time. i hate it. i hate me.

* * *

instead of the pathetic silly stuff, maybe i should think about the ones that need urgent attention. but i hate the thought of having to face it. the difficulty. the discomfort.

wag muna nating isipin. it's so much more fun talking about other things. anything, other than that.

* * *

and then there's holly.
by golly it's holly.

flattering, but unhealthy. anything that wreaks havoc on your ability to concentrate is dangerous. up until two days ago i'd been pretty content on my own stolid beliefs about this person. now i'm just stumped.

flattery is a weapon. and he knows it. and so he uses it everytime, with just a little dint of honesty so as to make it sound sincere. i know this type. the volatile, seasonal, inconsistent one. and thus, shouldn't be trusted.

that's not to say, though, that the amusement has to stop. haha. that's the magic of a magic show--we know it's all fake, it's all just tricks, but we ride on with it, anyway. for the mere escapist fun of it.

hay. ganon talaga e.

* * *

one of the last msgs from my friend's suitor:

"alam ko ikaw ang bespren nya. pakitingnan na lang sya for me. and i know what's good for him. and i know it's not me."

aww. that's sweet. he's young, though, and he's admitted that this is his first time to "fall in love". everyone's intense the first time they fall in love. but that's still sweet of him to say.

somehow i couldn't get it out of mind. the most unsettling thought i've had in the past two days (well, next to the heavy thought of a storyline to finish). something that a friend had said a few nights ago, which resonates with this little incident last night of my friend's suitor turning me into his confidante.

why the hell would people do that?

it just doesn't agree with my theory. and it's boggling me.