Tuesday, June 29, 2010

6th month going on 7th

i'm having another ultrasound this week. hopefully, we'd finally get to know our baby's gender. i used to think it's a girl, but with the way it kicks and moves inside my tummy these days, i'm starting to doubt if any self-respecting girl could power-kick with so much gusto.

at 6 months, hindi pa naman ako manas (siguro sa mukha lang...i'm monay special, especially in the mornings...argh). pero i can already feel baby sitting under my rib cage. yep, ganon na siya kalaki! the other night at the peebeebee b1g nyt the guards wouldn't let me in because i was pregnant. if i had known better i would've tried to hide it. kaso hindi pa rin ako sanay hanggang ngayon na buntis ako. naninibago pa rin ako sa matinding makabagong-buhay na realidad na yon.


sabi ng nanay ko, kausapin ko na raw ang baby ko. but i feel strange doing that. i feel a bit cuckoo. haha.

motherhood anxieties. di ko alam kung magiging mabuti ba kong mommy. kasi hanggang ngayon i'm not exactly brimming with excitement. parang...okay lang. naiinis ako na ihi ako nang ihi. naiinis ako na ang taba-taba ko. madali akong mainis sa kahit ano at kahit sino these days, at naiinis ako sa fact na yon. pero about being a mom very very soon...okay lang. mas takot ako kesa excited.

siguro kung meron nang pinakamalaking sacrifice akong ginawa para sa baby ko, yun na yung pag-quit sa yosi. ang lakas ko kayang magyosi before i got pregnant. and then somehow i managed to just chuck the habit. siguro dahil tinatanggihan na rin ng katawan ko ang amoy. pero may mga panahon na hinahanap-hanap ko sya...lalo na pag nabubwisit ako o depressed ako o stressed ako. pero di ko maatim. di maatim ng konsensya ko na palanghapin ng lason ang anak ko, kahit na sabihin pang isang puff lang. milyong lason pa rin yon.

i guess the sacrifice will stretch on til after my breastfeeding months. oo, sorry...pagkatapos nito i have a feeling na baka bumalik ako sa yosi. ayoko na talaga, honestly. pero ewan ko...i feel like i've lost a working tool. a coping mechanism. i couldn't think as fast and as sharply as i used to when i was puffing on a menthol. i know i shouldn't even think about it, but...i've been creatively abnormal since i went cold turkey. salamat na lang sa diyos na nakakasurvive naman ako kahit feeling ko hindi optimum performance ang naibubuhos ko.

anyway, baby, you don't have to worry. hindi kita idadamay sa yucky habit ko. promise yan. ano kayang gender mo? ano kayang magiging itsura mo? i'm not uber excited about it but i'm looking forward to meeting you...kahit na alam kong pag dumating ang araw na yon, permanente nang mababago ang buhay ko.

cold feet. yes. big time. because i'm never really good at welcoming major changes. it takes time for me to be able to adjust. kaya siguro takot ako sa future. dahil alam kong magiging malaking adjustment para sa akin ang lahat. bagong baby, bagong role, bagong bahay, bagong buhay, bagong civil status. bago lahat.

hay. scared. yes. help me lord. you know the desires of my heart.

Monday, June 21, 2010


the other night, someone broke my heart. it probably isn't as bad as it seemed to me then, but at that moment it was. bad. very bad. so bad i thought i was going to have a heart attack. literally.

anger. chest-imploding. like a bomb in outer space. pain, the kind that can make grown girls cry. like babies to their mommas. the kind that can keep you up all night. cursed to suffer through your unholy sleepless hours.

may nabasag nung gabing yon. not the bottle of red wine i'd downed in just a matter of hours. not someone's face (salamat na lang walang tao sa harapan ko). something much more fragile. something na ilang taon kong pinaghirapang buuin. only to be broken in a matter of seconds.

i wanted to be numb so i feasted on red wine. big time. with simpsons playing on tv. and and the work on my laptop, waiting to be done. i just couldn't. i wasn't in that zone. working was the farthest from my mind at that moment.

i fell asleep, forgetting everything. then i woke up, and the memories of the night before just came flooding in. kakagising ko pa lang, sira na ang umaga ko.

you broke it the night before, you mended it the next morning. somehow. but not quite. i was traumatized by what took me by surprise. everything's alright, everything's explained for. and yes, understood somehow. somehow.

but what the mind may understand, the heart may take longer to accept. please, lord, let time be on our side.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

soused on red wine at 2:58 am.

with a deadline to meet. asap.

life is happy, really. when you're soused. you feel numb. emotionless. senseless and scented. detached and attached to everything and nothing at the same time. and yes, senseless.

yeah, i'm drunk. on healthy red wine. my, my baby loves itttt.

detach, detach. and tomorrow morning imma wake up late and not have to worry about anything. i'd have dreamt all the details of the script revision i've yet to put into writing. i' have remembered it all and when i wake up i'm just gonna encode them all from memory. yeah, that's gonna happen. haha.

i miss talkin to my girlfriends. i miss being driven old me. i miss being bitter old me. i miss a lot of things from five years ago. the videoke and the beer. the stuff that emo ole 20ish singles do.

drunk at 3:02 am. been a long time.

red wine is my nectar for the moment. if that doesn't sound drunk, nothing does.

detach, detach, detach. and tomorrow im gonna wake up emotionless. rational, yes. but emotionless.

always love it when i'm drunk. you/re excused to say aynyhing. 3excuse to be anything. but i pray to god that when i get lucid again its gonna be mind over emotions. i'm gonna deal with everything emotionally detached. thinking, rather than feeling. and i know, i have faith, that everything will be alright. that everything will turn out just fine.

got to finish my revision asap. thank god for red wine.

Friday, June 04, 2010

early june showers

i love rain. i will never tire of saying that.
it's friday night. have two scripts to finish by sunday morning. i'm only 25 percent into the first script. looking forward to a night vigil. mas masarap magtrabaho dahil malamig ang panahon. writing with rain and wind outside my window, sipping coffee and eating my favorite eng bee tin hopia. heaven. kailangang matapos to by sunday morning.

baby five months on the way. i'm depressed whenever i see pictures of me. pregnancy is a great excuse to be fat, sure. but pregnant or not, truth remains. i'm still fat. and i'm helpless about it.

test of love ito, baby.

saw the house. it's three floors high. it's nice and comfy. but it's not gonna be ours. doesn't matter, though. i'm happy about it. happy and thankful.

pangarap kong magkaroon ng kotse. but with the baby on the way, mukhang backseat na muna ang pangarap na yon. backseat na muna ng taxi ang sasakyan ko in the immediate future.

at five months, hindi ko pa ma-determine ang gender ng baby ko. pero alam ko kung nasaan ang puso niya. it's in my right lower abdomen. as of three days ago, at least. ultrasound shows na suhi si baby pero good news is pwede pa syang umikot in the next four months. sana umikot siya dahil mas gusto ko ang normal delivery.

at five months, i can feel baby moving nearly all times of the day. may mga times na tahimik siya (siguro pag tulog sya; at this point kasi baby has acquired sleeping hours tulad nung sa baby na naipanganak na), pero pag gising siya, maligalig siya. hehe.

sana september na, baby. gusto na kitang makita. gusto ko na ring bumalik sa normal kong buhay. but you and i know that things will never be the same. dramatic as that may sound, but it's a normal transition. and the transition is going to be a good thing.