i'm having another ultrasound this week. hopefully, we'd finally get to know our baby's gender. i used to think it's a girl, but with the way it kicks and moves inside my tummy these days, i'm starting to doubt if any self-respecting girl could power-kick with so much gusto.
at 6 months, hindi pa naman ako manas (siguro sa mukha lang...i'm monay special, especially in the mornings...argh). pero i can already feel baby sitting under my rib cage. yep, ganon na siya kalaki! the other night at the peebeebee b1g nyt the guards wouldn't let me in because i was pregnant. if i had known better i would've tried to hide it. kaso hindi pa rin ako sanay hanggang ngayon na buntis ako. naninibago pa rin ako sa matinding makabagong-buhay na realidad na yon.
hay.
sabi ng nanay ko, kausapin ko na raw ang baby ko. but i feel strange doing that. i feel a bit cuckoo. haha.
motherhood anxieties. di ko alam kung magiging mabuti ba kong mommy. kasi hanggang ngayon i'm not exactly brimming with excitement. parang...okay lang. naiinis ako na ihi ako nang ihi. naiinis ako na ang taba-taba ko. madali akong mainis sa kahit ano at kahit sino these days, at naiinis ako sa fact na yon. pero about being a mom very very soon...okay lang. mas takot ako kesa excited.
siguro kung meron nang pinakamalaking sacrifice akong ginawa para sa baby ko, yun na yung pag-quit sa yosi. ang lakas ko kayang magyosi before i got pregnant. and then somehow i managed to just chuck the habit. siguro dahil tinatanggihan na rin ng katawan ko ang amoy. pero may mga panahon na hinahanap-hanap ko sya...lalo na pag nabubwisit ako o depressed ako o stressed ako. pero di ko maatim. di maatim ng konsensya ko na palanghapin ng lason ang anak ko, kahit na sabihin pang isang puff lang. milyong lason pa rin yon.
i guess the sacrifice will stretch on til after my breastfeeding months. oo, sorry...pagkatapos nito i have a feeling na baka bumalik ako sa yosi. ayoko na talaga, honestly. pero ewan ko...i feel like i've lost a working tool. a coping mechanism. i couldn't think as fast and as sharply as i used to when i was puffing on a menthol. i know i shouldn't even think about it, but...i've been creatively abnormal since i went cold turkey. salamat na lang sa diyos na nakakasurvive naman ako kahit feeling ko hindi optimum performance ang naibubuhos ko.
anyway, baby, you don't have to worry. hindi kita idadamay sa yucky habit ko. promise yan. ano kayang gender mo? ano kayang magiging itsura mo? i'm not uber excited about it but i'm looking forward to meeting you...kahit na alam kong pag dumating ang araw na yon, permanente nang mababago ang buhay ko.
cold feet. yes. big time. because i'm never really good at welcoming major changes. it takes time for me to be able to adjust. kaya siguro takot ako sa future. dahil alam kong magiging malaking adjustment para sa akin ang lahat. bagong baby, bagong role, bagong bahay, bagong buhay, bagong civil status. bago lahat.
hay. scared. yes. help me lord. you know the desires of my heart.
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