Friday, September 29, 2017

Lord, Let Us Do Our Best Work Today

You know the kind of exhaustion that I welcome? Yung tipong itutulog ko lang. Physical and mental exhaustion yung ganon. That's why kahit these days, pagod ako from work, I thank God every single time. Dahil yung pagod ko, tulog lang ang katapat, mawawala rin. Unlike, say, many months ago, kahit gaano kahabang tulog, pagod pa rin ako. Emotional exhaustion never really goes away hangga't nandoon ka sa sitwasyon na nakaka-drain sa iyo, emotionally.

So thank You so much, Lord. Thank You po for everything.

Last night I had wanted to write an entry. Just to remind myself in the future of what life is like for me, these days. I just came from a long day that began at 3pm and ended at around midnight. Three meetings for two different projects. I've had longer days, but last night I came home really tired.  Maraming hurdles na kailangang harapin sa current project namin ngayon, na hanggang ngayon paggising ko yun pa rin ang iniisip ko. Pero gusto kong maging positive. And I AM positive.

This is a challenge. And I want our team to surprise you.  We will surprise you. Gusto kong mahulog ka sa kinauupuan mo sa gulat.

Shet. Tall frickin order.

You know the usual demons that plague people in this kind of work. Am I good enough? Can I do this? Am I creative enough? I think I know myself enough, after 37 years, but you know what? I want to surprise EVEN me. I want to believe there is so much more to me. As a creator. As a skilled specialist. I just need to PUSH myself a bit more.

And yes, PRAY.

I haven't been praying as much these past few years. Except to say thank you. Ayoko na sanang bulabugin si Lord sa mga mundane concerns ko sa life. Alam ko naman na may plano Sya.

Pero this morning I woke up and a prayer just popped into my head-- Lord, please let us do our best work today.

Lord, please let us do our best work today. And tomorrow. And the many days after.

Us. That's a good sign, I think. I'm no longer thinking of just me. I'm thinking about the team. I pray for the team, that we may get past all these hurdles and just fly. Fly and surprise them all.

With God's help. Lord, alam ko po may plano na kayo. Pero I pray, anyway. Let us do our best work today.





Fantasies

My fantasy these days:

Our pilot script for the current soap project, approved by the council. And our boss saying, Congratulations, maganda. 

With pilot script done, schedule is relatively lighter than sched these past four months. So I have time for the things I love. My daughter – tutoring her, being with her, taking care of her, going out with her. My family in Marikina. My cats.  Baking. Cooking. Decorating cookies.

Time with family. Finally, a beach family vacation. Doesn’t matter if we’re in the middle of the rainy season—beach vacations this time of the year are cheaper!

Palawan. By myself. With friends.

Or Batangas, or Subic with family.

Boracay with friends. I wish I could go with a friend or friends who are not busy.  Reliving my 20ish years.  Then coming back to Manila, to work life, reenergized, reinvigorated, ready to fight and work for a living again.

My other fantasy:

A writer-friend's entry to Cinemalaya getting into the finalist category. And me, directing it.

Directing my first feature film. And coming up with a good one. (di pa ako mangangahas mangarap na manalo, at least makagawa ng magandang pelikula, yung magagamit kong business card as a director, sapat na sa ngayon)

Me, making the shift to directing for TV.  And succeeding. Being away from home on taping days. (Hmm. I don’t know. right now I’m not sure if that’s what I really want for a life. Always being out there, taping. I don’t know, Lord. Kayo na po ang bahala)

My other other fantasy:

Having enough money to quit my job. And start a business.

Pag-aalaga sa business full-time. And earning lots from it. getting rich from it. might take a few years para makabawi. But I’d have 1.5 million excess money to spend for the upkeep hanggang sa makabawi nang todo.  

Getting rich from this business. Doing the things I love to do while managing the business. Enjoying life. Going on trips abroad, without having to worry about budget, or time. Europe. Japan. America—taking my parents there to visit Tita Nene!


Sigh. Lord.. money po. yun po ang gusto ko. pero ang kailangan ko.. hindi ko po lam. I just want to enjoy this life and strike a healthy balance between making a living and truly living.

My other other other fantasy:

Losing weight. 20 pounds. I swear, matutuwa ako nang todo.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Breaking the Habit

Dear Audrey,

These past few days I've been trying to kick out a very bad habit. Hindi lang sya isang habit anak, but a complex system of habits brought about by a certain mindset. You see, I have always had a problem with meeting work deadlines. Mahirap magsulat ng script, kumakain talaga sya ng oras, and I have always wanted to submit work that is presentable enough, pero sa trabahong ito, and the field I am in, DEADLINES really MATTER. Because we are all part of a team, at pag na-late sa delivery ang isang trabahador, magkakaroon ng domino effect sa buong team.

I wish you would not grow up inheriting my chronic tardiness. Na-realize ko, ang susi doon ay disiplina. Disiplina, thinking ahead, and focus. And change the mindset ("Oh shit, I don't think I can make that deadline, mabagal talaga ako").

So what I try to do is set a calendar for myself. Kung 1 week from now ang deadline, I set minigoals. Kung makakasubmit ako ng trabaho by Day 7, dapat by Day 3, nakatapos na ako ng certain amount of work (I specify- sequence treatment ba? Day 3 of 7 script days? etc). There should be a goal set for every single day, para pag behind ako sa schedule, alam ko kung paano hahabol o mag-compensate.  PLAN AHEAD, SET MINI-GOALS AND MEET THEM.

I have read somewhere, too, that the best time to work is upon waking up in the morning. It's when your mind is at its freshest, at its clearest, wala pang masyadong clutter. So I try na gayahin yung style nung iba-- pag work day, upon waking up, don't reach for my phone to check my social media or surf the net. Punta agad sa laptop and work. (Okay, I make coffee first. Can't live without it when I'm working!).  DO BRAINWORK DURING THE FIRST 3 HOURS UPON WAKE-UP TIME.

Ang isip ng tao, parang makina o computer lang din. The more info is in there, mas mabagal ang speed habang ginagawa ang dapat gawin. So habang nagwowork, I try not to social media, I try not to text or call, I try not to think of anything else. Para bawas clutter. There should only be one "tab" open in my mind at the moment--- the WORK-TO-BE-DONE tab. (How am I doing with this? May konting improvement naman! Still working on it!).  FOCUS, DECLUTTER YOUR BRAIN.

So dahil mabagal talaga ang processing ng utak ko (don't worry if naman mo sa akin ito, anak--- mabagal doesn't mean bobo at all), kailangan ko ng extra effort to focus and be DISCIPLINED. all these things, to be able to do them, require discipline. Kasi ang natural instinct natin ay gawin kung ano yung masarap, kung ano yung kumportable at nakasanayan at magpapasaya sa atin. I want to challenge myself to do the OPPOSITE. If instinct ko is to check my social media, I should ACT AGAINST IT AND DO THE OPPOSITE.  It's an exercise on discipline.


So why am I writing about this for you? Because I know you'll grow up and eventually have a career of your own (sa ngayon sabi mo, gusto mong maging engineer), and I know career success will probably be a source of happiness for you. I want you to be successful, if it will make you happy and fulfilled. And I hope you learn from my learnings as a career person, I hope you learn from my mistakes.

I realize na ang mga habits natin, nagsisimula mula pa pagkabata. Because they say that people who learned discipline, focus, and perseverance early in life tend to be more successful with their pursuits during adulthood. When it comes to work (and this may be applicable to other things), makakatulong sa iyo ang mga values na iyon. Magkakaroon ka ng working habits na healthy, at effective, and will help you put out your best work.

Nabasa ko itong article na ito and I was really inspired by it. I managed to submit on time these past two weeks dahil sa inspirasyong dala nito! I want to be UNSTOPPABLE!

P.S. When it comes to work, though, it's great if you deliver and you're able to achieve great results. Pero not at the expense of your own character. It's great to achieve your goals, pero kung in the process naman, you've been unkind, selfish, and inconsiderate, and insensitive of others, hindi maganda. Can you bask in your success knowing that on your way up, you have hurt others along the way? I hope not. STRIVE FOR EXCELLENCE, KINDNESS, SENSITIVITY AND CONSIDERATION OF OTHERS ARE MORE IMPORTANT.

So it's 3 PM and I have a meeting at 5 pm. You'll be arriving from school any moment now, kaya maabutan mo pa ako. If I am to get to the office by 5 PM, I really should be getting ready by now. #planahead

I love you my Audrey! See you very soon!



Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Hello, 17-year-old Audreybear!

Yesterday, I read blog entries from 7 years ago to my 7 year old daughter. Entries about her, nung nasa tiyan ko pa sya, nung ipanganak ko siya, the first months of my life with her, etc. At nagulat ako, she was listening intently, even silent-reading along with me.

That reminded me of another purpose of this blog. Rarely na akong nagbablog ngayon because I've found other ways to share the things that matter to me (social media platforms - pictures do say a thousand words, literally), pero iba pa rin pala talaga yung Diary-style. Lalo na para sa anak ko. I've mentioned here before that I would want to chronicle her childhood here, but then nakakalimutan ko (puro ka Hugh, Mommy! kinalimutan mo na anak mo! :-D). maybe because family has become a happy comfy fixture in my life, and my daughter is one of those.  (pero yun nga, madalas akong magpost about her sa social media, eh nakakapagod kayang magsulat dito!)

So here I am again. Hello, Audrina! 10 years from now, I wish mabasa mo ito (on your own). Walang masyadong secrets si Mama (except for deep, dark one- na sana by the time mabasa mo ito, natanggal ko na yung yucky habit! para hindi mo gayahin!), puro ramblings lang, pero from now on I will really try my best to share what's up with you, how you're doing, etcetera.

Gosh, kakapagod magsulat! Galing ako sa revision ng script these past 5 days kaya pagod pa ako. huhuhu. Yan ang buhay ko anak, kapag nagkukulong ako sa kwarto. Sulat, sulat sulat, racing against a deadline, battling with myself.

Anyway, you're 7. You're very shy around strangers. Ayaw mo ng center of attention ka. On your 7th birthday, mangiyak ngiyak ka while everyone was singing "Happy Birthday" to you at nasa harapan ka nilang lahat. I wish you weren't this shy, pero I don't try to change you. I try to be conscious about accepting who you are. People differ from each other in personalities, some are natural introverts, some are extroverts, and you are one of those shy, introverted, sensitive ones. And that's perfectly fine. I love you just the same.

You're 7, and you love watching Pat and Gen on youtube. Pat and Gen have a youtube channel showing how they play Minecraft. I tried to regulate your Ipad activity to 2 hours every day, but lately we have agreed that you can only play the I Pad on weekdays and holidays. Kahapon on your first day without your usual Ipad habit, nagmamaktol ka, pero eventually, tumigil ka rin, kasi wa epek sa akin. Hehe. Alam mo naman na para din yun sa yo, like what I always tell you. Too much of anything is bad, and too much activity with gadgets can screw up with your IQ, even with your health.  Kids below 10 years old daw should have regulated gadget habits, kaya ayan.  May rule na tayong ganito. And knowing you, my obedient child, who has never had a problem with following rules, alam ko masasanay ka rin.

Obedience comes naturally to you. When you were much smaller, one of my rules is hindi ka pwedeng kumain ng hotdog, cured meat, di pwedeng uminom ng softdrinks. When I would be away, I've been told that your Lola A would offer your these things, but then you would refuse. Kasi sabi ni Mama, bawal. (I don't take this against your Lola A, I only have immense gratitude for her) But I was so proud of you. Such an obedient child, you were. And I STILL hope you are. (yun nga lang IPAD ang nagbubuyo sa yo towards breaking the 2-hour a day rule when I'm away!)

You're 7, and you're Top 4 in your 2nd Grade class. 92.84 ang general average mo. Of course I'm proud of you, marami-rami din kayo sa klase, but I was raised to be competitive by your Lola F, at kung hahayaan kong mangibabaw ang side ko na yun, I'd encourage you to aim for that top spot.  Because I know you can. Dahil partida pa yang 92.84 na yan, na hindi ka nago-all out sa pag-aaral, at madalas wala ako para matutukan ka, at naga-IPad ka pa on weekdays kaya nagmamadali ka lagi with school work.  My mother would tell me when I was in Grade 2 to aim for Top 1, to beat the "competition", to be the best because I was smart and special. Ayokong gawin yun sa iyo. Ayokong magaya ka sa akin :-D  There's nothing wrong with healthy competitiveness, but I want you to have the right core values.  I genuinely believe that you are so much more intelligent than your academic performance, but there are more important things than intelligence. Like pagiging masipag. Pagiging matiyaga. Yung hindi basta basta sumusuko. And of course, pagiging mabait at makatao.

So I don't compare you to other kids, I don't condition you to think of your performance in terms of that of others. Later in life, maybe after 10 years old, I'd encourage you to be competitive-- not with others, but with yourself. I want you to grow up strong in spirit. Matatag, hindi basta basta mabebreak ng mga problema at challenges sa buhay. Maituro ko lang sa iyo yun, mapalaki ka lang namin na ganon, I think you will be set for life.

Nahihiya ka nang binebaby ka sa harap ng mga kaklase mo. Ang dami mong kinakahiya at this point in your life! I don't know where the shyness and shame are coming from. There's always the fear in me that we might not be raising you right, or we are unconsciously damaging you.

May the Lord help us raise you to be healthy, emotionally stable, emotionally tough, kindhearted and happy.

You're 7, and when I bring up the topic of you having a baby brother or sister, you don't like it. I'm halfhearted about it too, because of the expenses that another baby would cost to our family. Pero anak, para din sana iyon sa yo. Kids with siblings are more socially well-adjusted.  Kids with siblings tend to be less selfish and self-centered. I was an only child for 15 years, and it's natural for only children to think only of themselves, dahil lahat ng atensyon nasa kanila at ang mga tao sa paligid nila lagi silang pinagbibigyan. I don't want you to grow up like me. I have said that twice within the same entry. Haha. Mama is not a terrible person, my parents are good parents with good intentions. But I want you to be so much better than me. I want you to learn from my mistakes and the unwitting mistakes of those who raised me.


Puro "I want", "I want" ito anak. I hope I'm not being too imposing on you. There's just a clear list of things in my mind on how I'd want to raise you.  I guess every well-meaning parent has that. So 10 years from now, sana, nagawa namin ng Papa mo ang responsibilidad namin sa iyo nang tama. Sana, 10 years from now, you'll be fine. Well-adjusted, with the right core values, with the right mindset about work and life and relationships, God-fearing, and most of all, HAPPY.

I want you to be happy, anak.  Happy, nang walang ibang inaagrabyado. The best kind of happiness is when you are happy making others happy. Pero you're not obligated to make everybody happy, are make others happy at the expense of your own. Yung sakto lang.

Ang haba. na nito. I know you always look forward to sleeping beside me at bedtime, something that is not possible when I'm working and have a deadline to meet. But tonight we will be together! We will watch your favorite DVDs, we will talk, we will cuddle, we will be Mama and Babygirl all evening til you fall asleep.

Ayan, next time na ulit, anak. Malamang in your teens dadaan tayo sa stage na hindi tayo magkakaintindihan, na you will be all secretive from me, and I might not be able to understand you most of the time, but I know it will just be a phase. At 17-- or 18, or 19-- you might say "I hate my Mama" in your worst moments, but just remember that I love you. Everything I do, I have your best interests at heart, with the purest of intentions. Because you're my child, and I'm your mother, and all mothers will want their children to be safe (we know kapag bad influence ang barkada or boylet!), healthy (kasama dito ang emotional health-- again, we can smell assholic boys when we meet them!), and happy.