Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Hello, 17-year-old Audreybear!

Yesterday, I read blog entries from 7 years ago to my 7 year old daughter. Entries about her, nung nasa tiyan ko pa sya, nung ipanganak ko siya, the first months of my life with her, etc. At nagulat ako, she was listening intently, even silent-reading along with me.

That reminded me of another purpose of this blog. Rarely na akong nagbablog ngayon because I've found other ways to share the things that matter to me (social media platforms - pictures do say a thousand words, literally), pero iba pa rin pala talaga yung Diary-style. Lalo na para sa anak ko. I've mentioned here before that I would want to chronicle her childhood here, but then nakakalimutan ko (puro ka Hugh, Mommy! kinalimutan mo na anak mo! :-D). maybe because family has become a happy comfy fixture in my life, and my daughter is one of those.  (pero yun nga, madalas akong magpost about her sa social media, eh nakakapagod kayang magsulat dito!)

So here I am again. Hello, Audrina! 10 years from now, I wish mabasa mo ito (on your own). Walang masyadong secrets si Mama (except for deep, dark one- na sana by the time mabasa mo ito, natanggal ko na yung yucky habit! para hindi mo gayahin!), puro ramblings lang, pero from now on I will really try my best to share what's up with you, how you're doing, etcetera.

Gosh, kakapagod magsulat! Galing ako sa revision ng script these past 5 days kaya pagod pa ako. huhuhu. Yan ang buhay ko anak, kapag nagkukulong ako sa kwarto. Sulat, sulat sulat, racing against a deadline, battling with myself.

Anyway, you're 7. You're very shy around strangers. Ayaw mo ng center of attention ka. On your 7th birthday, mangiyak ngiyak ka while everyone was singing "Happy Birthday" to you at nasa harapan ka nilang lahat. I wish you weren't this shy, pero I don't try to change you. I try to be conscious about accepting who you are. People differ from each other in personalities, some are natural introverts, some are extroverts, and you are one of those shy, introverted, sensitive ones. And that's perfectly fine. I love you just the same.

You're 7, and you love watching Pat and Gen on youtube. Pat and Gen have a youtube channel showing how they play Minecraft. I tried to regulate your Ipad activity to 2 hours every day, but lately we have agreed that you can only play the I Pad on weekdays and holidays. Kahapon on your first day without your usual Ipad habit, nagmamaktol ka, pero eventually, tumigil ka rin, kasi wa epek sa akin. Hehe. Alam mo naman na para din yun sa yo, like what I always tell you. Too much of anything is bad, and too much activity with gadgets can screw up with your IQ, even with your health.  Kids below 10 years old daw should have regulated gadget habits, kaya ayan.  May rule na tayong ganito. And knowing you, my obedient child, who has never had a problem with following rules, alam ko masasanay ka rin.

Obedience comes naturally to you. When you were much smaller, one of my rules is hindi ka pwedeng kumain ng hotdog, cured meat, di pwedeng uminom ng softdrinks. When I would be away, I've been told that your Lola A would offer your these things, but then you would refuse. Kasi sabi ni Mama, bawal. (I don't take this against your Lola A, I only have immense gratitude for her) But I was so proud of you. Such an obedient child, you were. And I STILL hope you are. (yun nga lang IPAD ang nagbubuyo sa yo towards breaking the 2-hour a day rule when I'm away!)

You're 7, and you're Top 4 in your 2nd Grade class. 92.84 ang general average mo. Of course I'm proud of you, marami-rami din kayo sa klase, but I was raised to be competitive by your Lola F, at kung hahayaan kong mangibabaw ang side ko na yun, I'd encourage you to aim for that top spot.  Because I know you can. Dahil partida pa yang 92.84 na yan, na hindi ka nago-all out sa pag-aaral, at madalas wala ako para matutukan ka, at naga-IPad ka pa on weekdays kaya nagmamadali ka lagi with school work.  My mother would tell me when I was in Grade 2 to aim for Top 1, to beat the "competition", to be the best because I was smart and special. Ayokong gawin yun sa iyo. Ayokong magaya ka sa akin :-D  There's nothing wrong with healthy competitiveness, but I want you to have the right core values.  I genuinely believe that you are so much more intelligent than your academic performance, but there are more important things than intelligence. Like pagiging masipag. Pagiging matiyaga. Yung hindi basta basta sumusuko. And of course, pagiging mabait at makatao.

So I don't compare you to other kids, I don't condition you to think of your performance in terms of that of others. Later in life, maybe after 10 years old, I'd encourage you to be competitive-- not with others, but with yourself. I want you to grow up strong in spirit. Matatag, hindi basta basta mabebreak ng mga problema at challenges sa buhay. Maituro ko lang sa iyo yun, mapalaki ka lang namin na ganon, I think you will be set for life.

Nahihiya ka nang binebaby ka sa harap ng mga kaklase mo. Ang dami mong kinakahiya at this point in your life! I don't know where the shyness and shame are coming from. There's always the fear in me that we might not be raising you right, or we are unconsciously damaging you.

May the Lord help us raise you to be healthy, emotionally stable, emotionally tough, kindhearted and happy.

You're 7, and when I bring up the topic of you having a baby brother or sister, you don't like it. I'm halfhearted about it too, because of the expenses that another baby would cost to our family. Pero anak, para din sana iyon sa yo. Kids with siblings are more socially well-adjusted.  Kids with siblings tend to be less selfish and self-centered. I was an only child for 15 years, and it's natural for only children to think only of themselves, dahil lahat ng atensyon nasa kanila at ang mga tao sa paligid nila lagi silang pinagbibigyan. I don't want you to grow up like me. I have said that twice within the same entry. Haha. Mama is not a terrible person, my parents are good parents with good intentions. But I want you to be so much better than me. I want you to learn from my mistakes and the unwitting mistakes of those who raised me.


Puro "I want", "I want" ito anak. I hope I'm not being too imposing on you. There's just a clear list of things in my mind on how I'd want to raise you.  I guess every well-meaning parent has that. So 10 years from now, sana, nagawa namin ng Papa mo ang responsibilidad namin sa iyo nang tama. Sana, 10 years from now, you'll be fine. Well-adjusted, with the right core values, with the right mindset about work and life and relationships, God-fearing, and most of all, HAPPY.

I want you to be happy, anak.  Happy, nang walang ibang inaagrabyado. The best kind of happiness is when you are happy making others happy. Pero you're not obligated to make everybody happy, are make others happy at the expense of your own. Yung sakto lang.

Ang haba. na nito. I know you always look forward to sleeping beside me at bedtime, something that is not possible when I'm working and have a deadline to meet. But tonight we will be together! We will watch your favorite DVDs, we will talk, we will cuddle, we will be Mama and Babygirl all evening til you fall asleep.

Ayan, next time na ulit, anak. Malamang in your teens dadaan tayo sa stage na hindi tayo magkakaintindihan, na you will be all secretive from me, and I might not be able to understand you most of the time, but I know it will just be a phase. At 17-- or 18, or 19-- you might say "I hate my Mama" in your worst moments, but just remember that I love you. Everything I do, I have your best interests at heart, with the purest of intentions. Because you're my child, and I'm your mother, and all mothers will want their children to be safe (we know kapag bad influence ang barkada or boylet!), healthy (kasama dito ang emotional health-- again, we can smell assholic boys when we meet them!), and happy.

 







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