Monday, July 31, 2006

time capsule item #001

drizzly, last-day-in-july morning. i wonder if the shoot would be packed up tonight.

i stumbled upon something among the files in my laptop. a bin that i haven't opened in quite a while. it contained scripts from the kilig show of a year ago--has it been that long?--the stuff that i used to churn out in great haste in the middle of the night, with the invaluable help of extra joss, coffee, and cigarettes. mehn, those days were toxic. buti buhay pa ko ngayon.

re-reading those scripts again, dare i say that the stuff we've come up with-- regardless of the genre (kilig) and the medium (tv! deadlines are a killer) that it was created for--weren't half so bad. syempre pag anak mo, kahit ano pang kinalabasan, anak mo pa rin. lalo na pag labor of love.

love, as in, the literal kind. aww.

kalokohan, but at that time it was real, and sometimes consuming. it broke me at times but at times it also saved me. love is therapy, especially when there are deadlines to meet. and re-reading those scripts again, bigla kong naalala lahat ng memories na-associate ko with that time. especially the happy ones, concerning that person. amidst the familiar faces that had populated that world that face will always be remembered in glowing, neon pink light.

hehe. neon pink pa talaga.

a year might seem fast but a year can change a lot of things. even our perception of other people. i've been through a series of recoveries and relapses with regards to my feelings for this person, but now he's no longer thought about as much as befure. still i'd want to preserve my memory of him one year ago, when he was still immaculate to me. when he was still the Ideal, the One Who Got Away in an Alternate Universe, and all that s---t. sayang naman yung memory kung pababayaan ko lang masapawan ng mas realistic at mas grounded ng perception ko sa kanya ngayon. after all, ilang tao nga lang ba sa mundong 'to ang mami-meet ko na makakapag-provide ng ganong ilusyon? ilang tao lang ba sa lifetime na to ang may ganon na ganong itsura, kilos, personality, boses, at sense of humor?

eh ganon talaga e. may kanya-kanya lang talaga tayong perceptions of beauty. at kahit na ilusyon lang ang nakita ko noon, ok na yon para baunin sa future. emergency kit kumbaga, in times of stress and distress. ibang tao na yung nakilala ko noon sa taong kilala ko ngayon, pero hindi naman sya nagbago. he still looks the same (if not better), sounds the same, still makes me laugh. safe pa rin ang ilusyon, dahil naka-time capsule na sya.

kahit ang realidad ngayon eh may boyfriend na sya, at mas pechay pa sya kesa sa kin. at ilang beses na rin nya kong pabirong sinasabihan ng "gaga!".

hihi. hay, gaga talaga.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

whirlwind july

things i've decided to set aside for (a little) later in favor of writing this entry:
1. revised treatment of the music video for the editor's reference
2. list of insert cellphone shots for the feature-length movie's last shooting day.

there are only two items on the list but they're urgent and might take some time to finish. eh wala e. mas gusto ko pang kausapin ang sarili ko kesa magtrabaho. hahaha.

the whirlwind hasn't waned since last week. attended the cinemalaya awards night (Gee-Gee at Waterina didn't win--two answered prayers in one day would be too good to be true. buti nga pinack-up na ni lord ang shoot ko that day at nakakain ako ng multi-colored kropek at mayo sandwich from the post-awards pa-meryenda ng cinemalaya that night). congratulations to "Kwarto" and "Orasyon" for winning Special Jury Prize and Best Short Film, respectively. next year, mag-feature length na tayong lahat!

in a way natutuwa rin ako dahil marami rin namang natuwa sa aming hamak na kabaklaan of a pelikula. unsurprisingly, karamihan sa mga yon ay mga badings themselves. hehe. pasok sa banga, mga sisters! naiyak pa nga yata itong si ruel na kaibigan ng aking fellow fag-hag na si waterfowl, marahil ay dahil naka-relate sya sa pinoproblema ni Waterina ("pag namatay ako, ibalot nyo na lang ako sa banig, request ko lang lagyan nyo ng ribbon"), at ang roommate nyang si jobert, who went with us at the last screening of the film, humahagikgik althroughout the movie, kahit sa mga parts na walang punchline (anubayun? di kaya tinatawanan nya ang pelikula? hahaha).

so i came to the awards night, nurturing hopes (hehe. sorry di ko maiwasan), but not expecting anything. masaya na ko sa naging feedback. nung isa-isa kaming tinawag sa stage (all short film finalists) para bigyan ng certificate of recognition, dun ako naloka. it was butch perez, the head of the screening committee (and director of Mumbaki, that Igorot film of the mid-90s), who was giving out the certificates, and when my turn came, he whispered to my ear: "Yours was the best."

shet! that made me smile. really. sabi ko sa sarili ko, will keep this a secret from writer/co-parent Dennis until after the ceremonies are over. para in case hindi kami manalo, may consolation prize ako para sa kanya.

pero ang bruha, narinig pala. sayang. akala ko pa naman matutuwa sya pag sinabi ko. it was really good working with Dennis. he's one of the stablest persons i've ever known. the best producer/production manager, not to mention a very witty writer. dennis, sana makagawa pa tayo ng iba. sana rin makapunta tayo abroad kasama sina GeeGee at Waterina.

haha! sige mangarap tayo. a lot of good things that actually happen begin with dreams.

* * *

i finished this film with a slightly unhealthy ounce of disappointment. a lot of things had worked against us while we were making it, but a lot of things had worked in favor of us as well. if i were to go back to Day 1, i would have changed and tweaked a few more things, but truth remains that this is ours, perceived imperfections and all. our baby. pag anak mo, kahit ano pang kinalabasan, anak mo pa rin.

kaya go pa rin kami. you make films for people to see it, and the more people who will see it, the closer you will be to fulfilling your goal.

* * *

the next day i went to work on the set of the Angel L-Dennis T starrer, and was surprised to know that Paul Daza, the film's writer, had seen and liked Gee-Gee at Waterina. liked it enough, he said, that he was willing to buy a copy of the film for P100! haha! wee! we'll take the offer, sir paul. we'll be needing the money.

three days before i'd seen him at the ccp and invited him to watch the film. in the four years i'd been working in the mainstream film industry i'd always made it a point to separate work from my labors-of-love. siguro wrong move, kasi pwede ring gamiting resume ang labors-of-love para makakuha ng work, but it's easier for me to concentrate on the work that way.

pera, pera. not to mention experience. working for the mainstream brings a lot of good, but moments come when you just want to go on and make you own film. kaso kung hindi ka naman mayaman at hindi ka rin anak ng mayaman, being a laborer in films is the best compromise. i get to work around directors, get to work in the field i want to spend the rest of my life in, and earn money as well. tv has its own glamor, not to mention more moolah, but it's too wayward from the dream, too far from the
career trajectory i want to take.

although pag ala na talagang pera, aiming for another job in tv might solve the problem. haha. bwisit lang kasi talaga yang mga deadlines.

* * *

tuesday and wednesday last week, we shot scenes for the angel-dennis movie all night in the cogeo highlands. amidst wind and rain. packup time was always at sunrise. thursday morning i went home, napped for two or three hours, then went straight to the set of the Yasmi@n Kurd1 music video.

now that was fun. ngaragan din, but i get a different kind of rush with these things. kahit pagod, para kong tinuturukan ng formulang pinaghalog extra-joss, kape, at energizer battery fluid. go go go pa rin, kahit lupaypay na kaming lahat (pati ang mga puntod at fake branches na sinetup ng art department sa set). barkadahan ang staff, the same people i've worked with since my college days: el1 b@lce as director of photography (fresh from his "D0ns0l" Cin@malaya win...di na ma-reach!), j0y puntawe as production designer (panalo talaga ang ubeng baka...the mainstream people don't know what they're missing), g@vin herrera (aba, hindi kami um-over sa prod budget! mahusay sa baratan ang bruhang ito, hehe).

we started at 9 am and wrapped up at 5 the next morning. three locations, a million shots on the shotlist, but we had to forego a bunch of shots because the sun was about to rise. you get used to these kinds of things. dati siguro mafu-frustrate ako nang sobra. i've since learned, though, that reality is all about compromises.

hopefully pa rin, maging maganda ang kalabasan. sana hindi corny. sana hindi melodramatic. happy naman ako sa ilaw ni eli at design ni joy. we have to submit a finished copy by august 4 at the latest. gogogo.

excited ako. uber. i've been through bad videos before, the kind that i wouldn't want to put on the demoreel, but i'm counting on being proud of this one.

salamat din at hindi ako nag-abono. haha.

* * *

looking forward to watching two movies on the big screen. chito rono's "suk0b" (eli was the director of photography in this one. galing galing talaga ni daddy!) and m. night shyamalan's "lady in the water". have heard a lot of bad feedback about the latter but i'd want to find out for myself. and being a shyamalan fan, i'm sure i'd enjoy a few things about the film, even if it sucks.

hay. july is my favorite month for 2006. i fervently hope that at least one of the next five months would top this. thank you, thank you, thank you lord.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

idiot's guide to dating: chapter 1

six ways to ruin a date:
1. reveal the identity of The One You Really Want and constantly (albeit casually) bring him/her up throughout the conversation.
2. bring your friends along and pay more attention to them. better yet, bring along The One You Really Want and pay more attention to Him/Her.
3. decline his/her offer to pay for your meal...but readily say yes when other people offer to do so.
4. roll your eyes each time s/he brings up anything remotely connected to intimacy, relationships, or any stuff romantically connected to the two of you.
5. completely avoid body contact. even the innocent ones.
6. let your ex (BF/GF, ka-MU or the like) join the date and show your current date how special the former flame was/is to you. even better, tell it to his face.

congratulations to me. i think i'm guilty of all counts. maybe i should be bothered, but i'd rather look at it this way: if someone really wants you, nothing can keep him away.

but what really bothers me is me. because i'm starting to wonder now why i tend to subconsciously do these things, in the first place.

and so the heavens willed it

the shoot was packed up today.

yehey. thank you lord!


i'm anxious about the event tonight, but i know i shouldn't be. wala akong karapatan. wala din ako dapat expectations.

basta, magpe-pray na lang ako dito. bahala na lang kayo sa min, lord. you know we did the best we could.

but well, so did everybody else.

wish us luck.

may the heavens will it

lord, sana po mapack-up ang shoot today.
sana lumakas pa nang konti ang ulan para paniguradong slippery ang road. exterior accident scenes pa naman ang naka-schedule for today. delikado.

lord, sana mapack-up na talaga. para maka-attend na din ako sa ibang mga bagay sa current life.

like the cinemalaya awards night mamaya.
like preproduction matters for the music video shoot on thursday.
like social life.

hahahay! selfish na kung selfish ang intensyon. pero nananalig akong makabubuti para sa nakararami ang pagpackup ng shoot today. safety first. risk control is cost control.

basta sana mapackup ang shoot today.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

back on the express lane

this is turning out to be a year to remember.
fast, eventful, colorful.

i only wish i could find the time to breathe. stop and smell traces of arabica in each 3-in-1 coffee i consume every day.

i've been through express-lane days before, had the worst during my tenure at Da Haus, but these days are different. these days there are more smiles, more excitements, more ups than there are downs. and while the familiar feeling of being lost in the rumble-and-tumble is still here at least i'm not craving for a day at the beach. because once i start craving for the beach in the middle of a busy day it's a sign that i'm not happy. and so this must mean that i probably am.

happy. longing for a momentary breather, but basically happy.

the film is about to wrap up. three or four more days to go and we're done.

there's a shoot for a new music video on the 27th. juggling preprod for that with the current day job. happy, happy. because i kinda missed creative work. so dang friggin much.

our short film GeeGee at Waterina is playin at the CCP theaters this week. fingers crossed, praying for good outcomes, happy enough that we got this far.

family just bought a new van to take me to and from work locations. bongga. ang sarap ng may hatid-sundo at your beck and call. di ko na kakailanganin ng boyfriend na may kotse. heh.

been a wrinkled year. i'll always remember that. but life has ways of making it up to you.

* * *

sana lang hindi na in touch ang mga taong ayoko nang masyadong makasalamuha sa lifetime na to.
may mga taong ganon, no?
yung bang kahit anong gawin nila, they inevitably make you feel bad about yourself.
may mga moments tuloy na parang gusto mo nang kalimutan na nakilala mo sila. kahit na tinuturing ka pa nilang "friend".

"friend" ba kamo?
the feeling isn't mutual.

* * *

on the other hand, may mga tao rin namang minsan nawawalan ka ng tiwala, pero biglang pabibilibin ka uli.
yun bang, at the last minute, just when you were resolved to lose the faith altogether, bigla syang susulpot. biglang magpaparamdam.

whatever the reason is. whatever the circumstances are. siguro nga we all are looking for our own muses and heroes. minsan we pick the first interesting person that comes our way. nagkataon lang. dahil nung moment na yon, kailangan natin ng inspirasyon.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

i knew it

bat may mga taong mas okay sa mind's eye mo pag hindi mo nakikita in person?
mas nami-miss mo pag hindi nagpaparamdam?
pero pag andyan na, kaharap mo na...wala. the magic goes. at pag nilulunod ka naman sa atensyon, deadma.

hindi mo naman sinasadya yon, basta nararamdaman mo lang. pero syempre hindi yon alam ng ibang tao, ang dating lang sa kanila, isa kang bloke ng yelo na ayaw magpatibag, for god knows what reason. o isang luka-lukang nagpupumilit pa rin sa isang ilusyong wala talagang kapag-asahang maging katotohanan.

asa ka pang maintindihan ka nila. kahit nga sarili mo hindi mo maintindihan.

* * *

if the weather's good.
that was a definitive "IF".
okay. so what did you want me to say?

oo nga! sana nga! wag kang mag-alala ipagpe-pray ko, mag-aalay ako ng itlog at magsasayaw pa sa ambon para lang hindi magtuloy ang ulan this weekend.

hehe. magpahinog ka dyan. may pa-IF-IF ka pang nalalaman. it would've been flattering if not for the IF-THEN scenario. but that was duh.

and so i didn't acknowledge it. because if you really meant it, you would say it again.

o ngayon the weather's good. asan na yang pinagsasabi mong IF-THEN scenario?
zilch. yan kasi ang problema sa mga katulad mo. puro kayo lip service. puro kayo ka-etchosan. akala nyo naman madadala kaming lahat sa mga ganyan. hindi naman lahat kami uto-uto at tanga. not that i took your words seriously (erm, never did), pero sa point na to lumilinaw na lang talaga ang lahat.

i've pegged you and i was right. and somehow that makes me feel good. not necessarily about myself, but about being right.

o ano, magmamaganda ka pa? sabi ko na e.

FG should've known better. FG doesn't always know what he's talking about.
but then, if you were FG malamang hindi lang pag-aalay ng itlog at pagsayaw sa ambon ang ginawa ko. kasi pag special ang isang tao sa kin, walang kyeme-kyeme. walang IFs IFs. kahit bumabagyo pa yan, luluwas ako. kahit tsunami pa ang katapat ko, go ako. t dahil ganon ako sa mga special persons sa buhay ko, i assume na ganon din ang ibang tao sa mga special persons sa buhay nila.

at pag hindi ganon ang lebel ng dedication, malamang eh hindi naman talaga special ang mga taong yon sa kanila.

so what's new?

don't speak gayspeak on a night of to-dos

major angst of the moment: why is it, that everytime there's a cinemalaya-related event for the short film finalists, my work schedule always gets in the way? pati ba naman sa gala premiere ng short film namin, sagasa na naman sa work sked? pati sa awards night on sunday, conflict pa rin?

ano ba! para kong magulang na hindi umaattend ng PTA meetings ng anak nya. punyeta naman kasi. why do these thingies have to ALWAYS fall on mondays, wednesdays, and sundays? siguro whoever's doin the scheduling has rackets to attend to on tuesdays, thursdays, fridays, and saturdays. lagi kasing sagasa e. pang-ilang beses nang nangyayari.

syempre gusto ko naman na maka-aattend, kahit yung gala premiere man lang. di bale na sa awards night. kung ngitian man kami ng langit at manalo, andun naman si dennis para i-accept ang award at magsabi ng ka-chuvahan. truth remains pa rin naman. i reared that child. di magbabago yon. kahit semi-kachakahan sya, kahit puro sya tungkol sa kabadingan.

joke lang. i-wats nyo ang pelikula namin. baka mapaisip pa kayo kung meron nga bang moral lesson ang storya ng buhay nyo.

hahay, kaeklavuhan na naman.
hanap na nga lang tayo ng mga menchu.
yung mga tunay ha, hindi yung berde ang dugo.
bwisit naman kasi, yung mga tipong gusto mong makasama habambuhay at maging ama ng mga anak mo, ka-tribo naman nina Gee-Gee at Waterina.

sayang kaaaa.
nakakatuwang pagmasdan ang mga piktyur mo. kung ako si waterina, malamang eh nagwo-water-water na rin ako sa tuwina. sa tuwa, sa kilig, sa panghihinayang, sa pagkabwisit.

because it's the biggest funny-sad irony i've ever come across in my recent life. ba't wala ito sa lyrics ng kanta ni alanis morrissette?

it's like meeting the man of my dreams, and then...

hay. nakakatawa talaga.

* * *

ba't tuwing napapadaan ako sa gateway, may naaalala ako?
yung first time na napunta ko sa lugar na yon, two months ago.
was it a sunday?
i'd forgotten about that, but someone had reminded me.
at ako naman, si sentimentalist beeyatch, na-touch naman na naalala nya.

eh hello. ako din naman may mga bagay na naaalala na hindi importante sa akin o sa skema ng buhay ko.

tse! kacharingan.

* * *

hay ang daming dapat gawin tonight. and here i am, belching out trivial thoughts.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

a laborer talks

it's a weird thing, but i find these three-times-a-week shoots for the current film equally as tiring as the everyday shoots that happened in saigon.

ba't kaya. siguro kasi hindi lang ito ang focus ko. sa saigon kasi yun lang talaga ang buhay e. aside from occasional trips to saigon square, gimiks at bars, kfc dinners, and cartoon network.

tonight's agenda:
1. meet yasmien kurdi for the new video project
2. possible dinner with the direk and co-workers from the f0ll0wing rosa project.

i'm gravely doubting if i'd be able to attend to #2. there's a shoot again tomorrow and i'd rather rest early tonight to reserve my energy. last night was particularly exhausting because there were talents to block, apart from the continuity work. pano ba hatiin ang utak into six thousand portions, each portion functioning equally well? mina-master ko pa.

ako kasi si bantay. yun ang trabaho ko. magbantay ng lines ng artista. magbantay kung tama ba ang continuity ng lahat ng elemento sa camera frame. magbantay kung mauubusan na ba ng negatibo ang camera (one roll of film is equivalent to 400 feet or 4 minutes. when it runs out and the take is cut, kasalanan mo). at kung may extras, hindi lang basta bantay ang dapat gawin, dapat ding i-block kung san ba dadaan/papasok/lalabas ang mga yan sa background. apart from the fact na syempre dapat bantayan ang continuity ng mga timing ng galaw nila. bantay din ako sa edit log, kung nakaka-ilang film rolls na ba kami at kung anong opening/lens etc ng camera. at syempre, pag kelangan ng stopping/blocking marks ang artista, ako ang magpo-provide non (anong gagamitin, Ma'am Cinematographer? chalk? T-mark? masking tape? sandbag? laway ko?)

hay. paulit-ulit na lang akong nagbibigay ng job description ko. minsan parang tunog reklamo, pero hindi naman. mahal ko ang trabaho ko. fulfilling sya lalo na pag lahat ng bagay na yon nagagawa mo. when you survive a day at peace with yourself, knowing that you did your job. maybe not impeccably for your standards, but well enough to be more of an asset to the team than an arbitrary appendage. or worse, a liability.

being part of the work force, money is not only thing you earn. hindi rin lang experience. you earn your own integrity, as a worker who knows what s/he is doing and where his/her place is in the machinery. importante yun sa kin. na alam ko kung ano ang dapat kong gawin, at nagagawa ko nang tama. at syempre, enjoy akong gawin in the process.

so shoot na naman bukas. masarap gumimik kaso kelangang ireserba ang energy. pati na rin kadatungan. hehe.

plug your own

"Gee-Gee at Waterina", my labor of love for 2006.

A 20-minute film based on real-life characters Walterina Markova (of Comfort Gay fame) and his showbiz manager-cum-bestfriend, Councilor Justo Justo. Based on the award-winning one-act play by J. Dennis Teodosio. Starring Lou Veloso and Paulo Cabanero.

A finalist in the 2006 Cinemalaya Independent Film Festival. (wee!)

The money, the men, the comedy of two lives lived in true bonggacious fashion, the loneliness of growing old alone. In the end it all roots down to one question:

Magkano kaya ang magiging halaga ng life story ng buhay mo?


Enough bullsh---ng. Basta sana mapanood nyo. Here are the schedules:

JULY 18, TUESDAY - 12:45 PM

JULY 22, SATURDAY - 12:45 PM
JULY 21, FRIDAY - 6:15 PM


Would really appreciate reposts of these schedules! Hope to see you there!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

temporary sobriety

tama na nga yan. kung anu-anong defense mechanisms pa ang ginagamit. bagay, tao, sitwasyon, kung ano-ano. grr.

kung hindi ba naman pati ikaw mismo naguguluhan sa sariling takbo ng isip mo. malamang.

nothing compares...huu.
hina-hype up mo ang isang imaheng matagal nang wala.

kahit pa nag-duet kayo sa videoke, ang totoo nyan pinapakilig mo lang ang sarili mo. malamang. kaya laging yon ang kinakanta mo kasi gusto mo lang talagang magtaboy ng ibang tao.

nakakaawa. nakaka-guilty.
ganon talaga e. non-normal kasi. i'm the wrongest person.

not now. maybe not ever.

so who's the romantic now

the other night someone gave me advice. about "heart" matters.
ironic, because it was like superman playing joe d' mango to lois lane.

except that there never was a romantic relationship involved between adviser and advisee.
and that superman is actually, ehem, supergirl.

hah! bad joke.

don't ask me if he's my type. i just might answer you. truthfully. and end up ruining our friendship.

maybe you're right. about life being all about risks. but i'd rather not apply that to this one. not because of how i feel about him (uhm...i might need a little more push maybe), not even because of how i feel about you (believe me, you wouldn't want to know), but because my instincts tell me that he will only end up hurting me later.

they all do. even you.

and don't even tell me i'm a cynic. i'm too romantic to be a cynic. palibhasa dreams come true for you. palibhasa nakukuha mo ang mga gusto mo. not that you're to blame for it. some people are just luckier than others.

and some are just too lovable to fade into oblivion.

nothing compares to you. i don't know why i keep singing that song whenever that person is around. maybe i do mean it.

i'd rather think that way than eventually give some son-of-a-jackal--whoever that may be--the chance to break me some godforsaken day.

Saturday, July 08, 2006


lagi na lang...umuulan...parang walang katapusan...

pag ganito ang panahon, sasabayan pa ng ubo't sipon, lalo lang lumulungkot ang mga araw.

andaming dapat gawin, andaming dapat asikasuhin. maraming pwedeng problemahin but somehow my thoughts keep drifting towards the one thing that's not supposed to bother me at all.

tama na nga yan, paulit-ulit na lang e.

hay rose. i'm perilously starting to sound like you. hehe. parang gusto ko tuloy tumakbo sa inyo. may extra box pa ko ng favorite mong vietnamese coffee. at isang kaha ng marlboro menthol.

insulin, insulin. i need some blood-sugar right now. not even coffee and cigarettes can haul me out of this rut. and to think that i was virtually soaring, not too many days ago.

ganyan talaga.

tag-ulan na kasi e. more frogs will turn up, frolicking in the rain. and the princes will be nowhere in sight.

Friday, July 07, 2006

let it soar

seasons are turning again.
i always get that feeling around this time of the year.

today i paid a really huge debt. argh. i'm poorer by several thousand pesos but at least it's a burden off my conscience. finally, no more guilt for anything.

just sad feelings. aww.

the other night i went back to a familiar place with the new bunch of co-workers. it was a place that i used to haunt, not so long ago, with the peeps from Da Kapamilya. i miss Da Kapamilya.

a nostalgia trip. sitting there, virtually seeing images from countless eating/drinking/videoke sessions of the past year appear and dissolve right before my eyes. someone's birthday. dinner breaks. post-Finals parties. cheers, jeers, boisterous laughter. sisig, pancit canton, mechado, half-empty bottles of san mig light. wobbling my way to the bathroom after three bottles. holding the microphone for someone as he sings his favorite song on videoke, him melting people's hearts in the process. just sitting right next to that person for the entire night, savoring what i thought would be the last time i'd ever be in a non-work-related gimik with him.

at that time i thought that i'd never get to share san mig lights with him again. not in the immediate future, at least. but i was wrong.

seasons turned, and soon i found myself clinking san mig bottles with him, this time in the middle of a dancing crowd. he was the same, but somehow i was not, and somehow my affection for him wasn't like before. back then i'd come to like this person against my will, but this time around it was a choice. i choose to let myself be taken again, because it's safer than treading the unfamiliar territory of new people and new loves. safer, because where this person is concerned, i've probably been through the worst. i can't get hurt any more than i already have.

more of a friend now than the One Who Got Away. yet still there's a part of me that doesn't want to let go of those silly ideals. it's happiness in little doses, sans the risks.

and so i let it soar.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

lookin through the back of my head

me, counting backwards:
tuesday. film shoot was wrapped at 6 in the morning. hitched a ride with production assistant Jason. talks, talks on the way home.

olats talaga sweldo sa pelikula, kumpara sa TV. dati nung nagsho-shotlister ako sa TV 9 thousand ako a week. nakabili nga ako ng kotse e. first time ko to sa film pero napansin ko ala naman masyadong pagkakaiba...except yung film camera.

malaki naman ang pagkakaiba, dude. na-try ko na rin mag-TV pero bumabalik pa rin ako sa pelikula. kung pera ang pag-uusapan talagang mas malaki sa TV pero iba ang fulfillment sa pelikula e.

siguro nga kung passion ang pag-uusapan, pero olats talaga ang sweldo e.

eh marami ka naman kasi atang binubuhay kaya ganon..

hinde a! binata ako!

the person had been obliquely making jokes on the set that he had "families to feed", so i was surprised by the revelation. all the more was i surprised by my reaction to it--bat parang may dint of gladness akong naramdaman sa sinabi nyang yon?

hah. puyat, pagod, at depression lang siguro. i'd know better not to go there.

monday. i had more energy today than i did the day before. and the scenes we'd taken had further convinced me that this is not just another one of those movies that will come and go and quickly fade into memory. i have much respect for the direk. he knows what he wants, and he achieves it. any first-time feature-length director would have been happy in his situation. the film's rushes are looking great.

my energy was jacked up a bit more when we had a surprise visitor on the set--the Fil-Am direk from F0ll0win@ R0sa, the foreign film we'd shot last year. he's in town for additional shots. when back then i'd been Miss Fishstick Tightass to him (kasi emotionally affected, hehe), now i'm simply glad to see him. i realize now that in my case, my relationships with people improve when 1) the Boss is no longer the Boss, and/or 2) when the Crush is no longer the Crush.

sigh. which brings my thoughts to my night-out with friends last Saturday. but that will have to come later.

sunday. exhausted and puyat from the gimik of the night before, i went straight to work. ang init sa bahay na pinagshootan namin. tapos wala pa kong masyadong tulog. but i survived the day just remembering happy memories from the night before. hehe. browsing through my digicam and looking at the pictures i'd taken. it would literally make me smile.

saturday. went to Malate with a bunch of friends from Da Haus. it had been a while since i had a nightout like this. what a rarity. what a rush. what a memory. and i can go on and on and on.

this one merits a separate entry. :-)

Saturday, July 01, 2006

dream for an insomniac meets total eclipse

high and happy in the mornings, plunging in the evenings.
and sleepless, to boot.

there must be a biological explanation to this. and i think there is.
gotta give some to get some, i used to say. maybe this time around what i'm getting ain't worth what i'm giving. i've been this way for the past two weeks. maybe i should go back to normal mode. and quit the bad habits.

day 7 of 17 days in about 48 hours. tapos gigimik pa bukas ng gabi. gusto mo yan ah. gusto mo..?!

oo. kasi parang total eclipse ang gimik na to. paminsan-minsan lang pwedeng mangyari.

shet na insomnia to. sleep, beeyatch, sleep.