Tuesday, December 27, 2011

merry christmas

it's been a crazy christmas. in more ways than one. relative light of workload, but emotionally turbulent. in more ways than one.

i'm a happy mom and wife. i couldn't ask for more. thank you lord. whatever i have done to deserve all these blessings, i don't know. kung wala man, teach me how to pay everything forward. tell me how.

there are things that are just not worth acknowledging. believe in signs. and all signs point to NO. so stop it. stop.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

the world revolves on deadlines

speed and quality. in a perfect world, you can have 'em both. and prioritize both. pero pag pukpukan na, at biglang tatawag ang ep to say na kailangang magsubmit ng script in 4 hours, minsan kelangan mong mamili sa dalawa. somehow.

usually, pinaprioritze ko ang quality. kaya usually, erm, nakocompromise ang speed. for a change, these past two submissions, pinrioritize ko ang speed. ang sarap ng feeling nang makasubmit nang mabilis. ang gaan sa pakiramdam, walang guilt, unlike, say, late ka.

pero na-realize ko, after a good night's sleep at binasa mo uli yung sinubmit mo nang mabilisan, ang bigat pala sa pakiramdam. parang gusto mong bawiin yung pinasa mo. suddenly you dread the day when you'd see what you'd written playing out on screen. passable is fine but passable is not going to make a good reputation. and hastily-done, downright ugly work can actually harm you.

not saying it's better to be late than low-grade. pero mabigat din pala sa loob yung trabahong "pwede na yan". lalo na kung alam mong yun na ang eere. parang gusto mo yatang magtago sa ilalim ng kama pag umere na. syempre mas maganda yung magsubmit ng maayos na trabaho and on time. but this is an imperfect world, and i am an imperfect writer. ang good news, though, people can get better. better, and faster.

moral of the story: try and try to be fast and good until you succeed.

Monday, November 14, 2011

at november's peak

and it's an easy-going, work-free night. that's the reason why i work, to earn moments like this.

at 8am, done with work. went to the cashier, collected rice stub, went to the bank, did a little grocery shopping--with one more day free i feel like cooking my free time away; that is, when i'm not bonding with the babygirl or hubbybear. my favorite potato salad is on the cookbook, so is a mission to copycat a director/co-worker's tinapa rolls. yummm. sana kahit hindi ko masakto, masarap naman lumabas.

met with my mother for a little early-dinner bonding session at R@zon's. dapat sana, sa tr@mway timog for the yummy chinese buffet dinner, but we were two hours too early and i was raring to go home so that i could catch aysee bear awake, so we decide to skip the buffet and go to the nearby s@vory. turns out it wasn't as near as i had calculated, at dahil pagod na ang aking uber energetic, 69-year-old mama, napunta kami sa nearest resto around---R@zon's.

i'm a food addict. at least, for today. first time i tasted r@zon's sizzling bulalo, i fell in love. at yun ang dahilan kung bakit pumayag akong bumalik. mama ordered the traditional luglog (sarap, as always), plus the famous halu-halo for dessert. first time kong nakatikim ng halu-halo ng r@zon's. and i fell. in love. again.

wanderlusting. gusto kong mag-travel sa labas ng bansa. europe. south east asia. east asia. america. mmm. kelan kaya uli.

gusto ko ring pumunta ng palawan. salamat sa surv1vor. hehe.

nakakatamad magblog. ewan ko ba. basta masaya ako na kahit papano nakadaan ako sa simbahan today. at nakapagpasalamat. sa lahat lahat. thank you so much, lord.

Friday, October 07, 2011

post-deadline debriefing

wow, bangis nun. my first entry in months and i'm about to spew some serious sh1t. i just finished a 59-sequence weekly ep script and i'm drained like hell. para kong nanggaling sa isang quasi-traumatic experience. sa sobrang pagod ko parang gusto kong matulog ng isang buong weekend.

pero hindi pa pwede. dahil may isang script pa. and i'm expecting this next one to be harder than the previous one. and i only have til tomorrow night to finish it.

i'm no stranger to tardiness. we're bedfellows. a bad bedfellow, that tardiness. i've always wanted to kick it out of my bed.

ideally, after my last submission, i shouldn't stop working. kasi nga may deadline pa. but i just need to rest. and breathe. and sleep. at least for 5 minutes. or 5 hours.

writing ain't no walk in the park. but it's better than most jobs i used to have. better and more rewarding. so kahit ano pang reklamo ko, hindi ko ipagpapalit ang pagsusulat. walang taong perpekto at walang trabahong perpekto. pero kahit hindi sya perpekto, mahal mo.

i don't think i was born a writer. i don't get in The Zone that easily. especially lately. i'm not the type who would write stories during my leisure time (at least, not anymore). i don't have dreams of winning the palanca (...anymore). pero kung anuman ako ngayon---a writer-by-profession, mainstream sellout, whichever way you want to see it---i'm content and happy. i love writing because it fulfills me to a certain extent. i get relatively good treatment because of it. and it pays the bills. i realize that when you get to this stage in your life, you don't necessarily stop dreaming. your dreams just change, become more grounded and practical, more attainable and more real. i don't want to speak too soon--but i think i'm loving these 30ish years. knock on wood.

sa sunday may bday party ang anak ko. saturday kelangang bumili ng regalo. monday may meeting. tuesday onwards, sana malibre ako...kahit tatlong araw lang...o apat...o lima. just enough time to recharge and reboot and just...breathe.

Friday, September 02, 2011

toxic august

and i'm not exaggerating. phew. buti na lang tapos na sya. looking forward to singing "today i dont feel like doing anything" just for one day. one day lang, or two. para lang magrecharge, makapag-dinner kasama si osobear, at mayakap ang anak naming si ayseebear.

kahapon bumongga ang murphy's law sa life ko. as in. toxic to the max from madaling araw til late evening. wala pa kong nakukumpletong tulog since god knows when. nakahostage ako sa marikina for 3 days yata yun dahil dun lang ako nakakapagsulat while yow-ing (pero ngayon malaya na ako uli dito sa malabown). ang problema doon, walang signal ang phone ko. at malayo ako sa anak ko. sobrang namiss ko ang anak ko during those 3 days. <3

hay mahabang kwento. marmaing kwento. pero hilo na ako. kelangan nang magpahinga. dahil bukas may meeting pa. at isa pang medium-sized labada. kelangang ibabad sa isang batyang panaginip at banlawan bukas ng isang tasang kape. o sige. goodnight na muna.

p.s. september na? magpapasko na? nakabullet train ba ang panahon or sumthin? btw, not looking forward to october onwards. SO not looking forward to that PEEBEEBEE thingy. i HATE it when it gets toxic like that. ugh.

another p.s. last quarter gift to myself: a new minilaptop of my preferred brand. knock on wood wag sanang mabalis o mabuyag. i hope everything goes as planned.

thank you lord for the work, for the chance to earn, for the chance to be fulfilled and useful, i thank you everyday for taking me to the place i'm in now,when three years ago i wasn't as happy or as fulfilled. and so much poorer. kaya salamat po. please keep me healthy for my family's sake. please lord. allow my body to resist disease, allow my body at least just one vice. please keep me healthy lord. healthy, happy and fulfilled.




Friday, August 26, 2011

gusto kong maging downloadable...

...kahit may asawa't anak na. pwede ba yon? universe, i will it. ivi-visualize ko na para magkatotoo, ayon sa The Secret. healthy yon para sa self-esteem ng isang babae, to still be downloadable no matter what her role or status in life is.

haha. pasensya na. may virus lang ako ngayon sa utak. pampa-GV lang on a wet rainy early evening ;-) bago maki-UBE kasama ang workada ;-0

kundi nyo magets ang sinasabi ko, manood na lang kayo ng GR0W1NG UP sa September 4 sa channel 2, sunday ng hapon. Yun na!


Saturday, August 20, 2011

releasing f***g garbage

there is no other way to get the work done other than just getting it down. taena. nasan na ba ang latigo? work, bitch work! i don't friggin care if you're tired or whatever, you only have today to finish fucking EVERYTHING because tomorrow belongs to you daughter, you hear me? and if you don't finish everything today i'm going to really, really really hate you. bitch.

one sparkling moment yesterday: phone beeped, and it was the most unexpected person. i thought it was osobear. it was just. surreal. at that very moment i had this feeling that i'm the person who can make her wishes come true. wish for it, it will happen. just like that feeling more than 10 years ago.

stupid bitch, work! stop gloating and floating, dammit!

Monday, August 15, 2011

proud momma time once again

bilang birthday month ito ng pinakamamahal kong babygirl, here's a few glimpses of her development over the past 12 months. mula sa 6 pound yellow-brown baby na niluwal ko noong augsut 23, 2010, she has grown into the healthy, happy baby who now has two front teeth and another one on the way.

at 11 months and 2 weeks, she's cuter than a button and more adorable than A in this doting mother's eyes, but remembering her days as a sweet little newborn moves me to near-tears. ewan ko. iba ang impact sa akin ng memories ko of audrey christi nung mga panahong yon. i get uber sentimental. grabe ang sense-memory faculties ko during those days.

even today, pag may nakikita akong bagong panganak na baby, i get transported to my memory of my daughter when she was that age. and no matter what my mood is, i would be softened, warmed inside, just being reminded of my child in the early days of her life, small, helpless and completely dependent on me.

video

Friday, August 12, 2011

more taboo things to laugh about...

but i really hope it stops soon. it ain't gonna be funny if it's gonna be serious. so i really hope, sana gumawa ng paraan ang diyos. na tanggalin na ang laughter at fascination sa akin. dahil kung didibdibin ko, it's gonna be a serious matter, and i don't want it in my life. i shouldn't want it in my life.

pero ewan. hati ako. gusto kong tumawa. i'm sure you got it wrong, 99.5 percent. yung .5 percent, gusto kong ibigay sa sarili ko. sige na nga, umasa ka kahit papano. harmless naman. pero taboo e. di dapat. for a million more reasons than ever before.

ang weird lang, na may sasabihin kang ganon. considering how i feel about the matter. something i've never shared to anyone. to share it is to acknowledge its existence. ayokong i-acknowledge. gusto ko na lang na may gawin ang diyos para mawala yung feeling ko. about the matter.

eto na naman ako. it's the wrong time for stuff like this. and i'm already the wrong person for it.

Saturday, August 06, 2011

crazy day

yesterday was a crazy day. 1 powerpoint to rush and i didn't have the faintest idea how to revise it. 1 long pitch to "memorize" but my mind was preoccupied with the powerpoint i still had to do. 2 weeks' worth of scripts to revise in time for monday, but since monday pa yon, inuuna ko muna yung mas urgent. pero ang hirap ng conceptualizing level, lalo na kung lost ka na sa directive na susundin mo. sa direksyong tatahakin mo. lalo na kung mag-isa ka lang. at lalo na kung may babygirl ka na may separation anxiety from you dahil nangingilala pa sa bago nyang yaya. at lalong lalong lalo na kung may trangkaso, sipon at ubo ka habang kailangang gawin lahat ng ito.


at eto pa...kelangan mo ring maglipat ng gamit sa kabilang bahay dahil sa monday, darating na ang may-ari ng bahay na tinitirhan mo sa ngayon. 1 month kang magiging nomad. and with so many things to do, wala ka pang nalilipat ni isang piraso ng gamit. dahil hanggang sa kahuli-hulihang minuto ng araw na yon, nasa conceptualizing level ka pa rin. lost pa rin. caught in a freezeframe, watching the TTDs zooming around and over you. nagreverse reaction ka. instead of panicking towards action, nag-hang ka.

pero lahat pala talaga--or most, at least---may dahilan kung bakit nangyayari. di ko maintindihan kung bakit somehow hindi ko matapos-tapos ang conceptualizing part ng powerpoint na yon. yun pala, hindi rin ako pagpepresent-in today. thank you lord. kahit nginarag ko ang sarili ko all day all night sa kakaisip, at prepared na kong mathumbs down kanina dahil hindi ako masaya sa lumabas. thank god talaga.

thank god din kahit kanina, may blooper na naman ako sa harap ng mga bossing as i was making my story pitch. sa kalagitnaan ng presentation, i went into another coughing fit. it was so bad i couldn't continue, and my headwriter had to step in. kakahiya. kakadiri. kakahiya! inabutan na ko ng tubig ng CM namin. nakakahiya talaga, dahil hindi yon ang first time na nangyari sa akin yon. the last time, our superbossing was covering his mouth in disgust. ARGH! gusto kong mamatay sa hiya.

thank god pa rin, dahil kahit ganoon ang nangyari, naapprove ang concept namin. yehey! sana tuloy tuloy na ang approval hanggang sa kataas-taasan.

now that that's done, time to move out. and face my script revisions. yahoo! i love this project. i love remembering the times when i was young.

sana maging masaya ang weekend na ito. i'm bracing myself for one month of drastic changes dahil sa bagong living setup. hay. isang buwan lang naman. mabilis lang yan.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

baby update


clapping her hands.
growing her first tooth.
sitting up, rolling over, "walking" around her little pen while holding onto the bars.
everything techie and mechanical is interesting to her--cellphones, remote controls, laptops, even electric sockets.
laughing and gurgling and giggling and responding to interesting stimuli.
watching tv with undivided attention.
opening up her arms to someone whom she wants to carry her.
crying whenever mommy leaves the room.

all these new things, audrey christi can do at 10 months old. and mommy's proud of her!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

TTDs swimming in my head

sabi ni mareng susan pinakswerteng month ko daw ang june. ayokong maging nega, pero hanggang ngayon naghihintay ako ng TA-DA!!!! moment. first week of june, highly emotional dahil sa pagkamatay ng hipag ko. second week of june, tadtad sa trabaho at may bagong stressful change sa homeplace which required me to adjust my working habits. kaya walang momentum. nakakalorky.

ngayon third week of june na, ganun pa rin, counting the days til i can get back to my old working habit (that is, working with yosi in my fave place any old time I want to). at napaalalahanan (?!) na ko kahapon ng CM ko re my deadlines. dahil sa dami ng mga little thingies na nagpile up nang sunud-sunod, parang gusto kong kumalas emotionally and mentally, parang gusto kong mag-hang at magplay hooky for a moment, stop the rapidly spinning world and steal a moment to have yosi. it's bad for my health and it's deadly, but it's my totem. my anchor to sanity in the most kakalorky of times, these days.

ang hirap pa ring pagsabayin ang pagiging ina at pagiging trabahadora, pero keri lang, sige lang nang sige. worst fear ko ang hindi ako makilala at makasanayan ng anak ko habang lumalaki at nagkakaisip sya kaya't hangga't maari hangga't kaya, siya ang pinaprioritize ko. hence, the missed deadlines. the delayed submissions. the paghahapits and everythang. owell. tapos na ang mga araw ng pagbubulakbol. time to get back in line and fess up.

dahil mid june na at sabi ng mga bituin, it's my time to shine. haha. sanahhh. pano kaya? mag-glittery blouse kaya ako sa susunod na meeting?

taas ng frustration level these days sa working setups and all. pero nilulunok ko na lang. niyoyosi ko na lang (nang patago). sana lang magpay-off ang lahat with ka-chings and ba-blings (may target savings akong gustong maabot at malayu-layo pa ang iipapag-ipon ko). bukod pa don, gusto kong gumaling. gumaling na tunay. galing na wagas at walang kwestyon.

galing at bilis. give it to me universe. galing bilis at mahaaaaabang pasensya. malaaaawak na pang-unawa. and yes, a little extra extrovertedness. pero optional na lang po yung huli. salamat po lord. sa anak kong mabait at matalino at maganda. hehe. sa asawa kong pinagmanahan ng anak ko. sa asawa kong totem ko din sa mundong ginagalawan ko ngayon. salamat po sa buhay ko at wala na po akong mahihiling pa bukod sa pagpapatuloy ng kung anong meron ako ngayon. (and that target savings account, hehe).

thank you, thank you, thank you lord. sana maging masaya at glorious nga talaga ang june onwards para sa akin. :-)

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

ang hirap...

...gumalaw nang lugmok ang spirits. i know i should react to it positively, be more determined and take it as a motivator, pero sa ngayon, hirap lang ako. gusto ko lang magyosi sandali at huminga nang malalim.

hindi magiging mabango ang bunga sa iba kung hindi mayabong ang puno. you can only be as good as the roots where people deem you came from. or maybe, kung anong puno sya ang bunga. ayoko. ayoko ayoko.

lost ako. di ko na alam kung ano ang tama o mali. maganda o hindi. sa ngayon, yun ang nararamdaman ko. feeling ko bulok na bunga ako. bulok o bubot. same difference, in the context of the here and now.

puff. puff. puff.

Sunday, June 05, 2011

audrey christi at nine months :-)




she can now crawl forward and lift herself off the ground with her arms and knees
eating solid foods---all natural veggies and oats. no preservatives!
a certified toddler! bilis na nyang gumapang!

Saturday, June 04, 2011

losing a sister

yesterday my sister-in-law's 6-year battle with cancer was over. she died at 4 pm. she was 44.

nakakawindang lang ang mga pangyayari. how swift yet how long and laborious it all seemed to be--last month lang mukhang okay pa sya, naglalaro ng P vs Z sa sala, naggogrocery, tinuturuan mag-piano ang mga anak nya. pero she fought with the disease for six years, and her final days were just...excruciatingly painful, for her and for the people around her, especially her family.

we were there til her final moments, we were with her when she drew out her final breath, and it was just so painfully surreal, how her body could just give out like that, a machine that was just waiting for itself to conk out. 9 months ko pa lang nakakasama si ate sa bahay, and during those 9 months hindi ako nagkaroon ng enough time talaga para maka-bonding siya. pero sobrang apektado pa rin ako. sobrang bigat pa rin sa loob. yesterday was the first time i ever saw a person actually die, and her death, though it wasn't violent, it was so long and torturous, you'd wish for the sake of the person na sana it would be over. so that the pain would be over. at makapagpahinga na sya.

mabigat sa loob ko na makita syang ganon, pero wala pa yon sa kalingkingan ng nararamdaman ng nanay nya, asawa nya, at mga kapatid nya. kahit yung husband ko na bunsong kapatid nya, who was normally emotionally incorrigible, he started crying at the sight of his sister. understandably so, kasi parang pangalawa nyang nanay yon. when someone you know dies, the shock and the sadness will always remind you of how fragile and helpless we all are. pero iba pag taong sobrang malapit sa yo. iba pag 30 years ng buhay mo, lagi syang nandyan. siya ang laging nagtetake charge sa lahat. pag di mo kayang alagaan ang sarili mo at walang ibang mag-aalaga sa yo, siya ang maasahan mo. kaya di maimagine kung gaano kasakit yun para kay osobear. if i were in his shoes, baka di ko yata kayanin.

at least kahit papano, nakapagpaalam siya nang maayos. nakapagpasalamat siya, at naipaalam nya kay ate kung gaano sya kagrateful. in most cases, when people die and leave us unexpectedly, marami tayong regrets. na sana nasabi kong mahal mo sila, na sana nakapagsorry ka. at least kahit papano, nagawa ng pamilya ni ate jonna yung mga yon sa kanya. up to the last minute of her life, her family was right beside her, holding her hand.

ang personal regret ko, ang igsi ng 9 months. parang kulang pa para mas makilala ko sya, para maging kaibigan. lagi akong busy, at kahit papano nag-aadjust pa rin ako sa bagong pamilya until now. pero sa 9months na yon, may mga nahuhugot akong mga sparkling moments that i will remember her for. tulad nung ikasal kami ni osobear, at siya ang nandun bilang witness. siya ang naging punong abala sa pag-aayos ng kasal namin hanggang sa maliit na family lunch na tumayong "reception" pagkatapos. nang nanganak ako kay aysie, siya ang nag-assist sa amin sa ospital. nang nangangapa pa akong ina sa bagong panganak kong baby, siya ang lagi kong natatanungan, siya ang nagga-guide sa akin.hanggang sa lumaki ang baby ko, para na rin syang naging pangalawang nanay. mahal na mahal nya yung pamangkin nya. sobra. minsan nga nagseselos na ko sa kanya, hehe. nung may libre pa akong oras, sumama ako sa kanila minsan para maggrocery kasama ng mother in law ko. nung kaming dalawa lang ang nasa grocery, tinuturuan nya ko kung paano pumili ng mga kailangan the "wise" way. and during that moment, ramdam ko na pwede ko syang maging ate, dahil maliit pa lang ako gusto ko talagang magkaroon ng ate.

pero masyadong maigsi ang nine months, ate jonna. i wish i could've known you better for far longer. i wish we could've bonded more. pero despite all my regrets, sobrang pasasalamat ko sa yo, sobrang grateful ko sa yo, kasi dahil sa yo lumaki si osobear nang matino...lumaki siya mabuting tao, matibay at responsable. tulad mo. and for that i owe you a great deal, for having raised my husband well. at yung pagmamahal mo sa anak namin, di ko yun matatawaran. alam kong kung nawitness mo lang na lumaki ang pamangkin mo, ikaw ang ituturing nyang pangalawang ina. ayoko nang isipin yung regrets, pero sa maigsing panahon na minahal mo yung anak ko, sobrang appreciated ko yon.sobrang salamat.

nung malubha na ang sakit nya, ayokong isipin na maaatim ng tadhana na kunin sya agad dahil maliliit pa ang tatlo nyang anak. 9 years old ang panganay at 6 years old ang bunso. sabi nga ng husband nya, it's one of life's tragedies that don't make sense. ang daming masasamang loob na salot sa lipunan dyan na ang haba haba ng buhay, bakit si ate pa. yung iba gusto lang magpakamatay, bakit hindi na lang sila. bakit si ate pa na nakakatulong sa maraming tao, na kailangan pa ng pamilya at mga anak nya. pero siguro nga may plano ang diyos. may dahilan ang lahat. hindi pa lang natin makikita ngayon, pero someday, maybe. diyos ang mas nakakaalam.

ang alam ng mga anak niya, their mama has gone to heaven and will be watching over them from there. mas magaan sa loob isipin na nandoon lang siya, parang nagbakasyon lang. and someday pag natapos na ang mundo magkikita-kita din naman kaming lahat doon. for now, though, we have to face life without her. dahil parang may empty gaping hole syang iniwan sa pamilya ngayon. ganito pala ang pakiramdam, the pain and sadness will not end with the death. coping with the days, weeks, months after losing someone in the family is an entirely different chapter. pero may awa ang diyos, we will all be fine. ang importante, at peace na sya, nakawala na sya sa physical pain ng mundong to.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

nakakalorky ang simula ng linggo...

sana nakakalorky din sa saya ang bunga ng mga paghihirap at pagtatrabaho.

sabado, nagsubmit ako ng draft 6. akala ko kahit papano makkahinga na ko for the weekened. may utang pang thingies to another project pero nagdecide pumetiks ng linggo. at dahil mahigit dalawang buwan na yata akong di nkakauwi ng marikina, nagfdecide na simulan ang bagong week by going home to marikina with my babygirl. overnight stay, dahil birthday ng papa ko ng tuesday, today.

kahapon, nakiusap ang ep ng youth show, baka daw pwedeng today na ko magsubmit ng week 2 script para makapag-feedback tomorrow. so um-oo ako. kaso ang baby ko, namamahay sa marikina, ayaw magpaalaga sa iba except sa akin, at buong gabi yatang gising, 11pm na nakatulog. kaya ang resulta, wala akong nagawang pagsusulat where the youth show was concerned. kaya eto, deadline ko ngayon, selfimposed at committed to the ep by 7pm pass your papers, pero taena, malayu-layo pa ko. marami pang aayusin.

maaga kaming umalis ng marikina ng baby ko kanina para madevote ko ang araw na to sa pagsusulat. kaso umandar ang murphy's law. sa atm machine pila, maraming tumagal na nasa harpan ko dahil nagkamali sa pagpindot. kulang kulang 45 mins yata akong nakapila doon. dahil tuesday ng umaga ang hirap makakuha ng taxi na maghahatid sa amin pauwi sa malabon, isang oras yata kaming nag-abang. by the time we got home, it was a little before lunch.

so keri lang, tinrabaho ko na asap ang script. kaso nahilo naman ako for some reason. akala ko nga aneu na. ang daming tawag ni mother nature. kinailangan pang iidlip ang pagkahilo. kaya 3pm na ko nakapag-resume. at tumawag ang ep ng isa pang project, may pinaparush na short script na itetape nila bukas. kaya siningit ko pa.

so ngayon, past 5 na, marami-marami pa, malayu-layo pa. taena. sawang-sawa na kong malate. sawang-sawa na kong magbreak ng promises sa mga PA at EP. kelangang isubmit ito ng alas-7 tonight. I HATE TO, DEMMET. kebs na kung di as best as i can. basta matino at maayos-ayos naman, pwede nang isubmit. di na nga ako dapat nagbablog.

pero i just have to say this. pag bumabalik ako sa marikina, nadidisorient ako. nakikita ko ang discrepancy sa living conditions doon at sa current living conditions ko ngayon. para kong fish out of water na hindi. pero kagabi uncomfortable ako sa marikina, di na ako sanay. marami akong nakikitang mali-ang gulo-gulo dito, andumi-dumi doon, dapat ganito, dapat ganon, sa malabon hindi papayag ang byenan ko na ganito, etc. syempre unfair dahil homemaker ang byenan ko by nature at ang mga magulang ko sa marikina, matanda na para masterin ang homemaking art. pero uncomfy ako. weird, considering na i've lived there my whole life before audrey christi came along.

tapos pag-alis ako don at nandito na uli ako, bigla naman akong nahomesick. para akong na-uproot uli. bigla kong namiss ang bahay na kinalakihan ko. ang suburbia na kinilala kong home for 30 years. di ko maintindihan sarili ko. di ko rin naman masabi sa sarili kong "i belong here now", dahil ang totoo nakikitira rin lang kami sa isang magarang bahay ng kapatid ng mister ko. libre ang kuryente, aircon all day all night, pero bottomline is, it's not ours. and we don't have our own home yet.

so i'm kinda...rootless. floating. ewan. ang hirap magswitch between worlds. pero mahal ko ang pamilya ko sa marikina, love them more than my life. kung sobrang yaman lang ako, bibilhin ko lahat ng nakikita kong kelangan ng bahay namin don, lahat ng gusto ng pamilya ko, lahat ng makakapagpaginhawa sa buhay nila. at endless ang magiging listahan. pero one item at a time muna. pag naka-quota ako sa isang personal goal, ibibili ko sila ng sarili nilang computer.

okay back to work beeyatch. dami mo nang sinayang na oras kakarant about nonsensical thingies. wish ko lang, sana payamanin ako ng youth show na 'to. sana bumaha ang pera at career opportunities and fulfilling moments, dahil handa akong magtrabaho na parang kalabaw kapalit nun.

ang masrap din pag kami lang ng anak ko sa marikina, super close kami. as in, closer than ever. dahil wala syang yaya at ako lang ang pamilyar sa kanya. kaya super attached sya sa akin. sobrang mahal ko ang anak ko. sobra sobra sobra. sana mapalaki namin siya nang tama at matino.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

taboo things to laugh about on a rainy night

i know it's impossible, i know it's ludicrous, i know it's forbidden, i know there's no way it's gonna ever happen and there's no way i should ever let it happen for a multitude of very weighty reasons.

but still. it makes me laugh. i giggle inside, like a schoolgirl. :-D

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

frustrated on a stormy night.

bite the bullet. it's not in your hands so just be a leaf in the wind. let it take you wherever it wants you to go.

tons to do. may deadline tonight. but i'm here. frustrated with how things are going. frustrated that i'm supposed to be home working on meeting that deadline. frustrated that i'm being made to swallow a somekinda bitter pill...in front of a firing squad, later this week.

tired. don't get me wrong, lord, i'm grateful. frustration and bitter pills are part of the job, and i accept that. nagbubuga lang po ng kaunti. pero tulog at kaunting libreng oras lang ang katapat nito, okay na ko. happy na uli at mahaba na naman ang pisi.

how i wish i were home. with my husband, and our baby. i wish she were in my arms, her round chubby face pressed against mine. i miss kissing those round chubby cheeks, seeing that happy-baby smile, pinching those round chubby thighs. i miss carrying her and holding her til she falls asleep. i miss her, even if i was only with her this afternoon.

gusto kong gumawa ng sulat sa kanya. a letter to 17-year-old aysie, just to let her know how happy it makes me feel to be her mother. hearing her say "mamamama" for the first time, seeing her finally learning to crawl, waking up in the morning to see her awake and staring at my sleeping face, hearing her newly-acquired gurgly laugh. how happy it makes me to see her smiling at a new toy i bought for her, to see her looking at me and opening up her fat little arms to let me know that she wants to be in my arms. i want her to know all these things, how being her mother has become a source of pride and joy, right now when she's only 9 months old. dahil alam kong when she grows up and gets to be 17, malaki ang posibilidad na malagay sya sa twilight zone that most teenagers go through. para kung sakaling dumaan sya sa "I-hate-my-mom" stage, ma-remind siya kung gaano ko siya kamahal simula pa nung baby siya.

each time i see a newborn, para kong binabalik sa panahon na newborn pa si aysie at sobrang liit pa nya. may heart-tug akong nararamdaman, filled with memories of those days na bago pa lang sa mundo ang anak ko at nangangapa pa ko bilang ina. those were difficult times then, pero looking back, minsan yung mga "difficult" times, they make the best memories.

12:10 am. gusto ko nang umuwi. may deadline has defeated me. and tomorrow is another day. HAY. tulog at konting free time lang katapat nito.

Monday, May 23, 2011

things to do when the things to do are done

1. take our baby to her monthly checkup.
2. wax an entire forestry off me.
3. buy a memory card.
4. finish the last 2 seasons of lost.
5. get a hot oil.
6. get a pedicure.
7. buy a new laptop sleeve.
8. go home to marikina for an overnight vacation with aysiebear.

Monday, May 16, 2011

surreal lang...

...na nakasalubong ko sya sa starbucks kanina. ang ultimate crush ko during my office girl days. at kung dati ni hindi ko sya mabati-bati nang magiliw tuwing nagkakasalubong kami noon, ngayon buong ningning ko syang tinawag. at ang sagot nya sa kin? "PAUTANG!"

haha. and worthy of note rin ang little trivia na nangyari ang lahat ng ito sa harap ng aking mister. with nary a trace of jealousy, of course (though it would've been more flattering if there were), at dinaan pa kamo sa biro. "sana pinag-fliptop mo". DUH. men don't get it. we LIKE IT when you're jealous paminsan-minsan.

ayokong markahan ang araw na 'to na 'happy' dahil natatakot ako na baka buweltahan ako ng destiny sa mga susunod na araw. ayokong maging masyadong happy dahil nadala na ako sa kasabihang "happiness overflows into an ocean of tears". so sasabihin ko na lang na surreal ang araw na ito--not primarily because i bumped into the ex-crush---dahil for the first time ever, nagkaroon ako ng interactive, reactive audience among the bosses to whom i presented a concept. little joys, little personal victories na sa akin lang naman importante, pero ang sarap pala ng feeling. na tumatawa sila, tumatango sila, napapa-AAAH sila, na parang nasasakyan nila ang wavelength na binabaybay ko. and it's proof that they're ACTUALLY bothering to listen to the concept. haha.

i've always hated pitching pero ito yata ang isa sa mga rare moments na i actually love pitching. feeling ko kasi i suck at it, but it's part of the job, so i have to hack it. pero basta, little bright spot yun sa araw ko.

anyhoo, lord salamat po. sana po kung gaano kasaya ang araw ko today, ganoon din kasaya bukas. dahil feedback meeting ng council for the youth show. sana naman wag major revisions. sana minor lang. sana madali lang. para makapag-tape na sila. at makasweldo na kami. at makamove on na ko to week2 script.

syet, gusto kong paspasing ang pagpaparenew ng passport ko. dahil gusto kong mag-abroad next month! i will it, i will it! maga-abroad ako next month or sa july! at magiging libre ang pamasahe at accommodations ko! at magagawan ng paraan na mapaspas ang renewal process ng passport ko!

thank you lord for this day! sana happy day din tomorrow and the coming days na magrerevise ako!!!

Thursday, May 05, 2011

working alone

sabi ni ms. miller, this month mas magiging mabuti para sa akin if i work alone. kaya siguro maganda na ngang mag-isa lang akong nagrerevise.

third draft na. pilot. daming requirements. tuesdays with morrie. growing pains. parents-child. bukas ng gabi ang deadline. kaya to. kakayanin to, with god's help.

lord,sana maarok ng utak ko. sana magawa kong ilagay lahat and meet their expectations at the very least. sana makaya ko, sana makaya ko. gusto kong kayanin dahil naniniwala ako sa project.

lord, please help me do this. enlighten me lord. give me fuel, too. endless fuel. or at least, a full tank til monday.

Monday, April 25, 2011

31 candles

di ko alam kung kailan nagsimulang mawalan ng thrill ang birthdays for me. pero these past few years parang gusto ko na lang mairaos ang 1st day ng bagong edad ko. nonetheless, grateful ako sa thoughtfulness na mga taong nag-aabalang bumati sa akin. hindi rin kasi ako mahilig bumati sa mga may birthday kaya di ako nageexpect na mag-abala ang mga tao na i-happy birthday ako.

anyway, how was day 1 of age 31? uneventful. domesticated. spent mostly in the company of my beautiful little babygirl. kung meron man akong greatest achievement in my 31-year existence. it's having given birth to audrey christi. akala ko rhetorics lang when parents would say that their children are "their pride and their joy". but now that i have aysie, i realize na totoo pala yon. waking up next to her in the morning, seeing her smile at me as i greet her "good morning babygirl!", yun ang isa sa mga happiest memories ko of my past year. hugging her, all round and plump and clinging to me, everything else is relegated to the background, set aside for the moment. she is my pride, my joy, my happiness, the warm core of my heart.

pero guilty mom ako, dahil busy ako sa trabaho. may mga gabi na kelangan syang matulog with her yaya dahil nagsusulat ako ng script at di ko sya maaalagaan. may mga araw na buong maghapon di nya ko nakikita, di ko sya nahahawakan. hanggang ngayon, hirap pa rin akong pagsabayin ang trabaho at pagiging nanay without having to compromise either or. pero hoping pa rin ako na masasanay ako. na matututo akong magconcentrate at magfocus, na mamamaster ko ang time management, na i will get over my guilty for the time that i have to function as a worker, para matapos sya agad nang maayos at makabalik na ko sa role ko bilang ina ASAP.

so ngayon may storyline deadline ako. at wala pakong nagagawa masyado. naka-ilang drafts na kami ng storyline, kakagaling ko lang sa pagrerevise ng scripts, at birthday ko ngayon kaya medyo pumepetiks ako. alam ko mali, and i carry the guilt with me as i write this blog (imbes na magsulat ng storyline, talagang may time mag-blog?). pero HAY. isang malaking HAY. just give me this day to be a delinquent. pagpatak ng 12midnight, i'll get straighten up and get back in line.

happy ako. may goal ako. by end of june, may gusto akong maabot. sana maabot ko. crossing fingers, praying to god.

happy 31st birthday to me!!!! yahoo!!!!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

holy week blues

naiinggit ako sa mga magaout of town this holy week. sa mga pumipila sa airport, sasakay ng bus, pupunta ng bora etc. dahil punong puno ng labada ang holy week ko.

di po ako nagrereklamo lord, naghihinga lang. marami pong salamat dahil yung iba nga walang ginagawa, wala ring kita. kaya thank you so much and yes i'll just embrace it. do what i need to do as well as i can.

ayoko nga sanang maginternet tonight. dahil 10am deadline ko bukas at hindi ako makatutok sa script for the past two days.

pag natapos na to, saka ko mayayakap nang matagal ang anak ko. makakapaglaro na kami ng matagal tagal. pag natapos ko na to. yun na lang iisipin ko. 10am or after holy week na. nakakahiya naman kung after holy week ko na masasubmit.

kaya aalis na ko. have a blessed holy week to y'all!

Friday, February 25, 2011

i eat stress for lunch

had to skip lunch to finish something for a deadline. nakakabusog pala ang stress? akalain mong concept lang na maituturing pero ke hirap hirap pala? parang mas madali pa sa aking magscripting kesa mag-isip ng concept.

tama ang kutob ko. change concept. pero di naman siguro mapupunta sa wala ang scripts na binuno. i trust and believe, lord. :-)

the other night pinilit akong maglead ng prayer sa premiere night ng soap operang kinabibilingan ko. halos himatayin ako sa kaba. napabili pa ko ng cheap na mukha namang presentableng formal evening dress. at napabili din ang headwriter kong chakang-chaka sa sapatos kong suot noon ng sapatos para sa akin. nakakalurkey. the best surprise gift of the year. all of a sudden i became an owner of quite an expensive pair of signature shoes! salamat sa mabait at mapagmahal kong headwriter! :-D

one down, three to go. natatakot ako sa scenario ng sabay sabay na kelangang gawin for different projects. natatakot ako na baka sumablay dahil sa sobrang dami. sana naman wag umabot sa ganon. at kung umabot man sa ganon, sana wag akong sumablay. sana magawa ko ang lahat lahat nang maganda at maayos...and on time.

miss na miss ko ang anak ko each time may trabahong kelangang tapusin. kasi pag me kelangang tapusin iniiwasan ko muna siya. hindi ako makaconcentrate when i'm in the same place with her. pag naririnig ko siya o nakikita, di ko matiis di sya lapitan. guilt and love. deadly anti-deadline combination.

kaya ngayong tapos na ko sa deadline #1 play play muna kami ni aysiebear. nag-aaral na syang gumapang pero di pa nya kayang umurong paabante. puro paatras, hehe. nagpalit na rin sya ng gatas (for babies 6 months and up) atsabi ng doktor pwede na rin syang kumain ng solid foods. slight lang, wag biglaan. kaya pwede na sa kanya ang paunti-unting egg yolk, mashed potatoes, mashed carrots, mashes bananas, etc. excited na kong pakainin si aysie ng pagkain. feeling ko magiging matakaw sya, tulad ko. haha.

me dalawang trabahong kelangan pang gawin. yung isa, dapat matapos within today, dahil tomorrow balak kong umuwi sa family home. kaya kaunting pahinga na lang, gogogo na ko.

deadma na sa lunch. early dinner na lang later. and that's a day in the life of stressie old me.

p.s. it's that time of the year again. i'm smelling summer in the air. beachlust!!!!!! i dream of going to bora this summer. sana, sana sana matuloy. at sana may windfall moolah para station 1 ako makatuloy. lord, sana!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

post deadline highs

sarap gumawa ng kahit ano pag tapos na deadline mo. ang gaan sa pakiramdam, considering these past 4 days. na nataon pa ang binyag ng baby girl namin last saturday.

happy and proud to finally show her to our friends. sobrang cute na cute ako kay aysie bear parang gusto ko syang laging niyayakap. kawawa naman ang pusa ko sa marikina, medyo narelegate sya sa backburner...kasi pag may baby ka you can't cuddle your cat too much. baka pag kinarga mo ang bata, hikain ang bata. so it's either or. :-(

stressie tomas ang deadline. may meeting bukas emergency daw. i have a bad bad hunch. kung sakali mang nagbago sila ng isip and they want to do something else, sana hindi naman masayang yung efforts namin. sana magtranslate to pesososes ang pagpupuyat, pagsestress at pakikipag-usap sa laptop sa madaling araw.

tramway. mmm. craving for it. i'm so hungry these days.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

eto na...eto naaaa!

* windang. dahil nagsisimula nang mag-pickup ang kabusyhan sa buhay. nararamdaman ko, parating na ang panahon which i've been half-dreading, half-hoping for. scared now, pero walang ibang choice kundi kayanin. lahat ng nagseseryoso sa trabahong ito, papunta doon.

* sabay-sabay. di mo alam kung ano'ng trabaho ang uunahin. kulangn sa tulog, madalas wala sa bahay. deadlines. paigsi nang paigsi ang timeframe, parami nang parami ang scripts. di po ako nagrereklamo lord. naghihinga lang. at nagpapasalamat dahil may trabaho at may pupuntahan. i don't want to disappoint anybody, least of all myself.

* ano'ng mas naeenjoy kong trabaho? maging writer o maging ina? hands down, the latter. kahit hindi ako bayaran, gagawin ko. everytime wala ako sa bahay at gumagabi na, tinitingnan ko na lang ang pictures ng anak ko sa cellphone ko para di ko sya masyadong mamiss. pero namimiss ko lang sya lalo. it's a mad circle.

* i never really liked the hassles of shopping but i love shopping now when it's for my daughter. i love buying her things, from little dresses and kikay things and toys to her bare essentials. she's at her cutest now. feeling ko, 6 months na talaga ang cute nya. she's started to roll over now. kaya na nyang umupo pero wobbly pa.

* natatakot ako sa flagship project na yan. just listening in and learning from the seniors. natatakot ako dahil feeling ko mawiwindang ang mundo ko kapag pinasampa ako. alam nila kung kelan ready na ang isang tao. i want to be good, really really good, and i want career advancement, pero sana pasabakin na nila ko pag kayang-kaya ko na. definitely not today or tomorrow.

* time. lagi akong kulang sa time. pero kahit maraming dapat gawin di ko nakakalimutan mag cafe world everyday. nakakaadik sya.

* binyag ng anak ko sa sabado. pero may deadline sa monday. kasal ko, may deadline. nanganak ako, may deadline. ngayon may deadline pa rin. okay lang, at least laging may trabaho. thank you lord!

* i wanna be a billionaire! so freakin' bad! kaso sa ngayon marami pang gastos! lord, sana dumating din ako dyan!

* ahhhh! magsulat ka na, ampotah!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

bubog

naloloka ako sa additional zodiac sign. for 30 years i was a taurian. tapos ngayon aries na. eh for the longest time binabasa ko ang horoscope ko from susan miller. ano yon...all this time mali pala ang predictions nya sa akin, dahil hindi naman pala ako taurus?? but how can i explain those predictions that seemed right? tsamba??

nakakaloka. parang gusto kong magpakatigas ulo at pangatawanan ang pagka-taurian ko. typical taurian...matigas ang ulo. o yan! taurian talaga ko e!

i wanna be a billionaire, so freakin bad. kanta ko pa rin yan, despite the health scare two weeks ago. masaya ako dahil so far maganda ang recovery ng writer friend kong na-stroke. kaya back to i-wanna-be-a-billionaire mode na naman ako, gustong kuumayod to the max para matupad ang pangarap. hehe, as if naman magiging bilyonaryo ka sa pagsusulat. hindi nga, pero pwede. pwede ka namang yumaman. wag ka lang magkakasakit. yun ang masaklap.

i miss that dead old love. in a place where no one really knows where i came from. and i say nothing, because i wanted to start from scratch, i wanted to fall in love and spend my life with something new. pero ngayon bumabalik na naman yung dati kong nararamdaman. despite the heartbreak of years ago.

hindi pa ngayon. but someday, maybe i can go back to you.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

busy days are here again

i'm starting to feel it, and i'm grateful. my only regret is that i get to have less time for my baby.but it's the sacrifice we'll have to make. para din naman sa kanya 'to in the long run.

thank you lord, for blessings. for good health. for love. for family.

matagal ko na namang alam 'to, pero there are two things i don't like doing: attending high-profile parties, and presenting a powerpoint pitch to the boss. nung isang gabi naggatecrash ako sa isang uber-sushal na party sa corinthian gardens and i didn't think i'd survive the night, antisocial that i am. but thank god, nasurvive ko naman...at nakakain pa ko ng uber-sarap uber-sosyal na foodam. hehe.

neurosis ko na yata to. i really wish i were more of a gregarious girl. ang hirap kayang maging seryosong mahiyain. some people who don't really know me well mistake my shyness for kasupladahan. mataray kasi ang hulma ng fez ko, at pag nahihiya ako o naiilang ako hindi ako masyadong ngumingiti o nagsasalita. maybe if i weren't so shy and serious, life would be a lot sunnier. and it would be easier to make new friends.

hay. masaya ko tonight dahil after three nights, i'm home before 9 pm for my baby and my bosobear. i'm going to bed early with my husband on my left and my baby on my right and wake up refreshed tomorrow. thank you lord.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

audrey christie at five months

she can laugh now. giggle at "peek-a-boo".
she can lift her head when she's lying on her back as if wanting to get up.
she can turn on her side (pero di pa nya kayang tumaob mag-isa).

seasons are turning

you feel it in the air. parang kahapon lang, pasko pa lang. ngayon mid-january na. yesterday our baby was barely a month old. tomorrow she's turning five months.

january is bound to be busy, and it's starting. gotta earn my paycheck. even if it means working away from my child. walang exagg, pero mga nanay lang siguro makakaintindi ng pakiramdam nung moment na aalis ka ng bahay for work, and you're saying goodbye to your baby. ang bigat sa loob, kahit na sandali ka lang mawawala. kakalabas mo lang ng bahay, makakita ka lang ng ibang baby sa daan, you're instantly reminded of her at gusto mo nang umuwi.

aysie's binyag coming up in january. gotta make the arrangements for it. i've become a pleasant bore now, being a mom and wife and all. so far from the spicy little cynic that i was five years ago. ohwell. seasons are really turning, and you won't notice unless you really pay attention to the little details of every day.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

worried but praying

a co-writer of mine suffered a stroke the other day. i was so rattled and worried for her especially these past two days, dahil ang unang balita, multiple-vein aneurysm daw. wala akong ibang ma-utter kundi the same short prayer--lord, please save her--dahil kaibigan ko ang co-writer kong ito and i couldn't bear the thought of worst-case scenarios. mabait ang diyos, dahil kahapon ng umaga nagising na sya and she seems lucid, and contrary to initial reports, single-vein aneurysm lang pala ang naganap. still, i keep praying. that she will get well, kahit na slowly but surely.

stress over a deadline, poor diet, sedentary activity. feeling ko yun ang nakadale sa kanya. right now naka-check ang two out of three items sa listahan ko. not much exercise, hungry hen ang drama ko these days. pero hindi pa dumarating ang stressful days, happy pa ang buhay sa ngayon, which is what i'm starting to fear. na baka pagdating ng panahon na ako naman ang sasabak sa ganong klase ng buhay, mahirapan ako nang sobra. to the point na magsuffer ang health ko.

hindi pwede, dahil kelangan pa ko ng anak ko. kelangan pang mabuhay nang matagal, kelangang laging healthy. kaya lord, okay na po ako sa balanseng buhay. di ko na po kailangang maging super yaman o super laki ang paycheck, kung kalusugan o buhay naman ang kapalit.