laughable

dreary moment. this won't end til after i'm done. with what's supposed to be done.

and yet i'm thinking of other things.

precisely the reason why i didn't want to subject myself to possibilities. because i was scared of this. i know myself. and what i fear is what's somekinda happening now.

because there's something that i love too much. and i wouldn't want to compromise it. but i guess it's making me think now. because if i love it enough, why am i not thinking about it. why do i not want to think about it. why do i not look forward to facing it at all.

maybe that's precisely why. i love it too much, so maybe i should lighten up.
or that would be the common conclusion. but the real story is that my mind's divided.
which disappoints me. so badly. because my worst side is surfacing again. the less-driven side. the vulnerable side. the pathetic cowardly comfort-seeking side.

and the real reason, why my mind's divided, is so pathetically POINTLESS.

pointless.

because these things that i'm diverting to, they're only in for a temporary stay.
but the things that i'm squirming away from are the stuff that's supposed to matter. they're going to figure in my life for a much longer time. if i only do them right. if i only friggin GET THEM DONE.

you try to fight it with as much combative bravura as you could muster, and in the end the worst thing that could happen is that you would totally lose it.
and then, it would be your achilles' heel.

pointless. senseless. stagnating, bluey.
focus, please. if only for the moment. even if this is the dreariest friggin time.

maybe my friend was right to simply dismiss this with a laugh.
because i really am laughable.

hahaha.