angst-spewing is actually healthy (especially during christmas)

post-christmas blues.
argh.

i saw ces@r mont@no's movie "l1gal1g" tonight with waterfowl. an annoying hollywood movie ripoff. i shouldn't have believed a certain someone's rants-and-raves about this film. that was somekinduva stupid blind leap of faith on my part, not to mention a few hundred bucks down the drain. and yes, annoyance. at myself. for having believed.

yan kasi ang problema sa yo. madali kang naniniwala.
despite your penchant for overanalyzing, you are still, in deep, a naive dope.

well. in fairness maganda ang pagkailaw sa pelikula. maganda ang editing. bow ako sa technical polish ng film, although madalas nagiging uber-glossy to the point of pretentiousness. masyadong nagpapaka-film noir, right down to the textbook elements of the genre (the smoke, the low-key lighting, the dingy rooms, the crimes and the cops, the classic femme fatale, etc). dun pa lang, nakakainis na. kasi gaya-gaya, at parang naligaw sa maling kultura ang mga gumawa ng pelikula.

pero forgivable pa yon. kasi maganda namang tingnan. ano na nga lang ba ang orihinal sa mundong ito. ibigay na natin ang credit sa kagalingang mag-ripoff ng classic Film Noir look, Hollywood Style. aba, talent din yon. siguro tumaas lang talaga nang todo ang expectations ko. dahil sabi ng idol kong si Direk, "one of the best films of 2006" daw ang pelikulang ito, and that the best director award this year should go to Ces@r. pero hindi ko talaga mapatawad ang supposedly shocking twist sa storya. 1/2 into the movie hindi ko na inentertain yung possibility na baka ganon nga ang twist kasi it was the most obvious, the most predictable, and the most ludicrous. ehe. medyo na-overestimate ko yata ang sensibilities ng mga gumawa.

ang sama ko ano. mahirap gumawa ng pelikula, logistically. mahirap mag-mount ng isang produksyon. pero kung gagawa ka na rin lang ng pelikulang mahirap i-mount, sana naman may laman. sana naman kahit papano paglabas ng tao sa sinehan, meron silang dadalhing thought-provoking insight na ibinahagi ng pelikula mo. i came into the theater expecting my life to be changed. haha. exaggeration, pero some brilliant films can do that to you. maiiba ang thinking mo, magkakaroon ka ng bagong punto-de-bista sa mundong ginagalawan mo. well, i expected the wrong things. entertainment at audiovisual style lang pala ang maio-offer ng "l1gal1g" ni ces@r mont@no. pero on second thought, hindi rin ako masyadong naaliw. nainis pa ko.

hay.
what a sad world.
pati pelikula, napapagdiskitahan ko.
kasi naman. sana hindi na lang ako naniwala.

kay Direk.

sa yo.

lagi na lang akong naniniwala. what is wrong with me.
naiinis ako sa ending ng KKK. kasi naging tanga ang babae sa huli.
ayokong maging tanga na naman. lagi na lang akong natatanga pag nagsimula na kong maniwala.

words are cheap. and people like you would say what you think i'd want to hear.

because words won't answer my questions. and for as long as they're not confronted, they will always be at the back of my mind. at dahil hindi ko magagawang itanong nang diretso, kailangan kong mag-supply ng sarili kong mga sagot.

it's frustrating.
annoying. distracting. exasperating.
cause i don't like my answers to my own questions.
i am hounded by ugly thoughts. i go on gabriela mode. i want to curse your kind til kingdom come, irrational a reaction as that might be.

hay. ayoko ng feeling na ganito.
destabilized. depokado.
mas gugustuhin ko pa yatang wala nang paniwalaan at wala nang maramdaman.
or maybe i need a diluter.
someone, anyone, to save me from myself.

kainis. merry christmas.