2:25 am. yawning already.
i wonder what he did on his birthday. i wonder if there was a party with the exclusive set of friends. wonder, wonder, argh. god forbid the wrongest persons should stumble upon this blog and put the pieces together. that would've been way too... movie-ish to happen in real life.
eh wala eh. masaya eh. light simple close-to-bliss happiness, sans the expectations, sans the doubts and the questions. the facts are in black and white, laid out on the table in plain sight. wala nang guessing games. it's just a matter of deciding which of the facts you would opt to (conveniently) ignore, if only to preserve the ideal image of the person in your head. dangerous kung seseryosohin mo, pero kung wala lang naman, and if that would make you happy for the moment, then why the hell not. at least masaya ang mga entries ko sa blog na to. at least di ba? hehe.
yawning, still. just have to finish this cigarette. the other day i went on somekinduva "date" with the same person i'd been somekinda "seeing" for some months now (oo, kahit naturingang fag-hag ako may pagka-semi active din naman ang social life ko no. hehe). masaya naman, baka nga sa ilang beses na nakasama ko tong taong ito nung isang araw lang yung masasabi kong truly enjoyable para sa kin, and i have a nagging suspicion that it was because i kept "screwing" the previous ones with my own self-defense mechanisms. pwede na nga siguro akong magsulat ng Idiot's Guide on How To Ruin a Date sa dinami-dami ng mga sablay ko when it comes to dating decorum. hahaha.
but on that day i was on my best behavior. kasi hihingi ako ng favor. ansama ano. but that was the least i could do to show him that i was grateful. showing him my best side. providing good company. and it wasn't hard, because the months that passed between us have somehow mellowed down the praning-ness in me. haha. dahil mas kilala ko na, somehow alam ko na kung pano i-handle ang sitwasyon, at alam ko kung anong level ng trust ang pwede kong ibigay. so the result was a chattier, more companionable, warmer me. halleluiah.
panahon lang naman pala ang katapat ko. haha. para mag-warm up sa tao, that is. at tratuhin syang kaibigan, at the very least. pero hindi ko alam kung may romantic promise ba ang premise ng storyang ito. kasi ang problema, romantic-idealist ako. nagpupumilit lang maging cynical for the sake of self-preservation, pero in deep, romantic. mushy. adik sa kilig. naniniwala sa fairy tales, sa "magic", sa konsepto ng Ideal Guy. at naniniwala din ako na pag na-meet mo ang isang tao, you will know. kung sya na nga ang taong matagal mo nang hinihintay.
ulch. that sounds cheesy. pero yun talaga ang pananaw ko.
ang problema kasi, may mga taong okay na siguro sa totoong mundo, yung tipong boto ang lahat ng kaibigan mo at buong pamilya mo, pero may nakikita ka pa ring kulang. not necessarily sa kanya; sa buong scenario in general. ewan. baka nga naman ganon naman talaga sa tunay na buhay. baka naman kelangan ko nang tigilan ang pagpapantasyang magkakaroon ako ng isang take-my-breath-away kinduva love affair some fine fine day. pati na rin yung favorite fantasy ko tungkol sa isang alternate universe, kung san straight ang mga bading crushes ko at naiin-love sila sa mga katulad ko. hahaha.
masaya, masaya. my favorite word. masaya naman talaga nung isang araw. parang kulang ang buong afternoon at evening. inosente, walang malisya, walang bahid ng "pamemechay", friendly, companionable. at least i've been in worse dates. i've been with more forgettable persons. in fairness to this guy. and whether he'd still be "around" one year from now or not, i'll always owe him the memories i've kept in Time Capsule #002. regardless of whatever, cause like i said before, there are certain things that a girl won't forget. kahit sino pang tao ang involved.
that's not to say, though, that there's a promise to anything or whatever, of any sort. at all. cause each time the optimistic jekyll in me surfaces, the self-preserving hyde always comes out to neutralize things. it's a defense mechanism that might have its downsides but it has saved me several times in the past. truth remains pa rin. lulutang at lulutang pa rin sya. kahit ano pang sabihin ko sa sarili ko, i still wouldn't want to have jekyll without the security of having hyde.
No comments:
Post a Comment