i brought a non-"showbiz" friend to a movie premiere tonight. she was starstruck all evening. nakakatuwa. to her, seeing "artistas" in the flesh was something that didn't happen everyday and something that was worth texting home about.
kahit naman ako, medyo windang rin over the fact that i was actually got to ride in the backseat of pa0lo bed10nes' car. ang kaibigan ko, habang nakasakay kami, halos mapudpod na ang mga daliri sa kakatext sa kung sino. later she told me that she was telling her sisters at home that she was in pa0lo bed10nes' car. haha! crush kasi nya si pa0lo. ako rin crush ko si pa0lo, i think he's cute in a rugged-conyotic sorta way. but during that moment hindi ko ma-enjoy yung experience. sobrang upset ako over something. sobrang bothered.
i did notice, though, that pa0lo seems a lot less of the straight-laced dude when his guard is down, when he's not facing the cameras. chatty, reminds me of those theater actors. crush ko ba sya? oo. kung crush ko sya, di kaya bading sya?
hahaha. hindi naman siguro. cristy fermin moment ba ito.
everyone was in celebratory mood today because our film got an A-rating from the CEB. amazing! that means the CEB thought the film was aesthetically meritorious enough to be given a 100% tax rebate. the last studio-produced horror movie that got a rating that's any good was suk0b, and that was only a B. so happy kaming lahat over that little triumph. sana rin mag-triumph sa box office.
my night would've been absolutely blithe if i didn't learn about something that totally upset me. totally. i couldn't hide my reaction. "ba't ka namumula?" someone asked me. she didn't hear what i'd just been told. i couldn't speak. alam ko dapat hindi nagpapahalatang masyadong apektado, hindi dapat pinapakitang guilty o self-berating. but at that moment i was an open wound. a bleeding one, at that.
haha. OA.
pag mga ganitong kaso pala, you let yourself down in two aspects of your life. parang two birds hit with one stone. masakit pag may personal feelings na involved. lalo na kung despite your personal feelings toward the person, no personal relationship exists outside of the professional one. at kung hindi ka nya lubusang kilala, madali ka nyang madya-judge. madali ka nyang madi-dismiss for the neighborhood dumpster.
sa lahat naman ng tao, sya pa. sa lahat naman ng pelikula, dun pa. syempre maba-bother ako. syempre malulugmok ako. dahil sobrang minahal ko ang experience na yon, at sobrang mahalaga sa kin ang impression sa kin ng taong yon. hindi ko tuloy alam kung pano sya haharapin sa susunod na shoot. hindi ko alam kung pano ko mareremedyuhan ang mga bagay-bagay. will "sorry" suffice? what could i possibly do when the harm has been done?
siguro pinapalaki ko lang sa utak ko kasi nga may personal feelings involved. kung ibang tao yan, ibang kaso yan, i can easily block it out, charge it to experience, and move on. all evening over dinner i was still brooding over it. there was nothing that i wanted more than to do everything right for him. more than that, to make him believe in me. kahit bilang isang laborer lang. dahil professional lang ang relationship namin. hanggang don lang ang pinaka-realistic na maa-aspire ko. tapos isang shot lang pala ang guguho sa lahat ng masasayang alaala na inipon ko during our seven-day shoot. isang shot lang pala ang sisira ng gabi ko. isang shot, na sinasabi nilang wala lang, wag ko daw masyadong isipin dahil hindi magiging panira ng career ang isang shot, pero hiyang-hiya pa rin ako sa kanya. when i remember vividly that that was the only thing he had asked me to take care of. isang shot.
i'm sorry, direk. i'm so sorry. siguro hindi naman talaga big deal tulad ng iniisip ko pero hindi mo alam kung gaano ko dinidibdib. OA talaga. pero truth remains. my bad. but i want you to know that there was never a time when i wasn't on my toes. there was never a time when i wasn't behind your back. and this is the first time, ever, that a single shot could ever make me feel this culpable.
hindi ko pa nga alam kung ano yung problema, kasi di ko pa nakikita. pero dahil sinabi mo, malamang tama ka. dahil sinabi mo, nagi-guilty na ko. kasi sobra-sobra ang tiwala ko sa yo. sobra-sobra ang confidence ko na alam mo ang ginagawa mo. at kung ano ang sabihin mo, kung ano ang isipin mo, malamang paniniwalaan ko.
kaya ganito na lang ang pagkabalisa ko. i feel horribly, excruciatingly culpable. siguro matatawa ka lang kung makikita mo ang reaction ko kanina. mukha yata kong bibitayin.
at the end of the night the producer told me that i needn't worry too much over it, because it wasn't me. (or maybe it wasn't JUST me?). it was him, in so many words. him, unsatisfied, not with just a shot, but with a few more. a few more shots that he didn't shoot then, which he now realizes are necessary. sana hindi lang sinasabi yon ni ma'am produ para kalmahin ang loob ko. o para i-salvage ang natitirang kasiyahan sa nasira kong gabi. sana lang. pero kailangan ko pa ring marinig sa yo.
alas-4 na ng umaga. there's a meeting today at 3 pm in that place at the edge of the world, alabang. a meeting that i'm not particularly excited about. but a meeting that i'm going to attend, nonetheless. we can't live on passions alone, after all. it's one of the best compromises i can engage in. give some, get some. sana lang mas ganahan pa ko sa project. cause this feeling is a bit too familiar for comfort. para kong nagde-de ja vu about the happenings of one year ago.
parang andami-dami kong dapat gawin these days. dalawang magkaibang batches ng paperwork due asap. isang madugong deadline para sa alabang project on friday. grind ng bagong horror project on thursday. a meeting for a potentially passion-related project on saturday. na baka maurong pa kung matutuloy ang last-day shoot for my project with The Direk on that same day (hay. pano ba kita haharapin, direk?). sometimes i tend to overestimate my multi-tasking abilities. biting off more than i can chew, so to speak. but i've made the commitments and there's no other option but to just...hack it.
pero minsan, kahit na feeling mo eh may kinapupuntahan ang buhay mo dahil busy ka sa maraming bagay, moments would come when you would still feel as far from the Dream as you were on Day One. that everything is illusory, and transient, and everything you think you've invested on will actually amount to nothing more than pebbles for the piggy bank. spreading your wings and spreading yourself to thin are two very different things. expanding does not necessarily equate to ascending.
and moments would come, really, when you would feel that, despite all your efforts to create a so-called master plan, you are actually, in deep, clueless.
afloat. drifting. homeless.
clueless.
No comments:
Post a Comment