ouch. ouch. ouch

ouch.

the guilt. from past omissions. from past non-actions.
ignoring it wouldn't make it go away. sometimes it would even catch up on you. and even if it doesn't, you'd carry the guilt with you for as long as you have memories. you can block them out, consciously try to redirect your thoughts to other things, but at the back of your mind you know, you know that it's still there.

the guilt. like an ugly scar on your psyche.

i'm sorry. i'm really sorry. i wish i could have done it, i didn't mean to leave you hanging, but i felt that i had no choice at that time. i was just too...dispersed. too out of myself. struggling to concentrate on my then-present situation. but i know there was no excuse.

i'm really sorry. i know you will not read this, but i'm casting out my apologies to the wind, just in case.

i wish i could find a way to make it up to you.

* * *

day 24 of 29 days over. we finished early today. after a hefty pasta meal with the boys-at-the-carpool (rowdy, rowdy!), we all trooped to the neighborhood internet shop for our personal online needs. haha. getting online is no longer a luxury, but already a need in these strange interesting times.

and so here i am.

feeling guilty. as always.

ano bang nagawa kong kasalanan nung past life ko at napaka-guilt-prone kong tao?

* * *

right before the hefty pasta meal i went to the laundromat to pick up my laundry. the air was fresh from a sudden downpour and it was still drizzling; suddenly i found my thoughts drifting towards someone whom i haven't actually really thought about in quite some time.

and then i found myself singing.
that god-forsaken mymp song again.
how does it go?
especially for you...

punyeta.

natutuwa pa rin ako pag naiisip kita. pag naaalala ko kung pano ka tumawa. kung pano ka kumanta. kung ano yung mga pinagtatawanan natin dati. kung ano yung mga pinagdaanan natin dati. alam kong wala lang lahat sa yo yon, alam kong hindi na tayo close ngayon (as if naman naging close tayo ever, di ba), but i still smile at the memories of you. the memory of you.

punyeta talaga.

some feelings just won't leave you alone. guilt, and else.