i don't know why i feel that way. career-wise. i felt this, too, last february. after The Talk, which put a period on a lot of things. that was also the time when work started happening nearly everyday, and i found a way to get my mind off things. and in the flurry of my busybee existence i had actually arrived at a few conclusions about what i was going to do with this life.
well, somehow. almost. at least, for the immediate future.
money versus the dream. it had always been like that. now that the dream has been taken out of the equation, there's only money to dream of.
kung hanap mo ay pera, wag kang magproduction.
nung sinimulan ko to, hindi kasi pera ang motivation ko. and so i stuck with it for years, driven by the dream. ngayon wala na ang dream. but it's too late to start anew and turn my back on six years of working in this field.
maybe i'm wrong, maybe i still can. but still. maybe i don't want to leave. because.
freelancing. on the flight.
go lang ng go.
anywhere, with anyone, no strings attached.
the only thing that keeps me grounded is love. which may be one of the biggest reasons why i don't want to leave.
money and love. and i can live happily ever after.
kung wala ka nang faith sa sarili mo, mamamatay na lang ang "dream" ng kusa. iiyakan mo, malulungkot ka, mararamdaman mo ang paminsan-minsang bulusok ng desire to do it, pero lilipas din, mawawala din. and at the end of the day, what's really important is what you need to do to survive, to be comfortable, to be happy.
there are other roads to rome.
hindi ko makakalimutan yung gabing sinabi sa kin yun ng isang kaibigan. kasi yun yung gabi ng The Talk That Put a Period on a lot of Things. tama sya. pwede ko pa namang i-pursue. pero sa ngayon wag na muna. sa ngayon iba na ang interpretation ko sa quotable quote nyang yon.
there are other ways to be happy.
and i'm trying to find them right now.
bahala na kung ano. basta ang alam ko, gusto kong yumaman.
* * *
the other day, nasa nasugbu ako. 2nd AD for a soap. first time kong makatrabaho ang lahat ng tao dun. pag walang crowd talents, nakatunganga ako. nakakapanibago, pero masarap naman palang tumunganga knowing na bayad pa rin ang oras mo.
ang lamig sa nasugbu pag gabi. bigla akong nalungkot. ang hirap sa freelance, wala kang permanenteng work family. pero okay lang.
basta alam mo ang priorities mo, at the end of the day you're happy.
kahapon, nasa star city ako. crowd director din for a minimovie. kaibigan ko halos lahat ng mga katrabaho ko, kaya mas masaya. pero may tunganga factor pa rin kasi crowd talents lang inaasikaso ko. i've been doing script continuity work for so long, nakakapanibagong magtrabaho sa isang set na hindi ako concerned sa continuity at shots. pag nagsabi ang cameraman ng "Rolling!", ilang beses pa rin akong instinctively pumipindot sa stopwatch ko. nakakatawa, kasi kahapon wala naman akong suot na stopwatch.
ang hirap kahapon, malalaki ang mga eksena, at maigsi ang pisi ko sa mga talents na pasaway. i had to yell para lang magkaintindihan kami. i felt bad afterwards. eto na naman ako. pina-prioritize ko na naman ang kelangang gawin over people's feelings and welfare. di ko na gagawin yun.
second time ko sa star city. first time was when osobear and i went there on our first anniversary. na-miss ko si osobear, lalo na nung makita ko yung starlet na artista sa show na pinagsusulatan nya. yung pagkamiss na may lungkot na kahalo, sa di ko maipaliwanag na dahilan. priority ko ang trabaho, kasi andyan lang sya palagi, at maiintindihan nya, dahil alam kong priority din nya ang trabaho. pero malungkot maka-miss ng tao sa panahong hindi mo sya dapat nami-miss.
taking the dream out of the equation, mas desensitized ka, mas impersonal. hinihiwalay ang puso sa utak, ang pakiramdam sa pag-iisip, ang professional sa personal. it will take getting used to, pero priorities dictate. dahil wala namang ibang master plan. wala nang ibang greater end.
gusto ko pang mag-AD for tv. go lang ng go. hopeful ako sa maraming possibilities. and willing the universe to conspire with me.
* * *
beach vacation will have to wait. makukuha ko rin yan nang libre. i will it!
No comments:
Post a Comment