I Love You

Dear Audrey,

Last night as you slept, I watched videos of you when you were younger. I love watching those. I'm reminded of a time when you were still this biba, unself-conscious babygirl who unabashedly idolized Snow White and Sleeping Beauty, loved wearing dresses around the house (because that's what princesses wear in those Disney movies), would gladly pose for a picture or video, would generously give baby hugs and kisses.

I was so kilig, watching videos of you making kwento about your day, how you would sing and dance, how you would talk about this imaginary world you created called "Audrey World",  how you would smile at me guilelessly and purely as how a 5-year-old or 2 year-old would.  I have to admit I miss those times. I miss the babygirl version of you-- the newborn version, the toddler version, the kindergarten version.

While watching, I looked at you, asleep-- at 9, almost as big as me (a happy thing!)-- and realized, teka, bakit ba ako nanonood ng mga video mo, when you are right here, beside me? So I hugged you and kissed you (the dry type of kiss--- cause you don't like the wet kisses right? You actually don't like kisses at all!) and said "I love you anak" kahit hindi mo ako naririnig dahil natutulog ka.

At 9 you seem to have taken after your father in temperament-- shy, introverted, less emotional and gushy (unlike me!). Kaya siguro namimiss ko nung bata ka, na nagpapakiss ka pa, and every now and then you'd say to me "I love you, Mama". But that's okay anak, tanggap ni Mama na lumalaki ka na, and I embrace all the changes in you, I accept everything about you -- less sweet, more shy, whatever-- and I would never ask you you to change anything. Just be go on and be whatever you want to be (huwag lang yung nakakasakit o nakakaperwisyo ng ibang tao, kasi iba na yun!).

Then this morning I was asleep and you woke me up. And to my surprise, out of the blue, you said, "I LOVE YOU". Groggy me was jolted awake by that, because it's been a long time since I heard that from you.  Ang sarap pakinggan, anak. Maybe you have heard my "I love you" to you last night after all, and that was your response.

Hindi ka man kasing-sweet at innocent ngayon nung babygirl version mo, nasa core mo pa rin ang pagiging loving and affectionate. And I see that at bedtime, when you would tell me "Mama pa-hug". I see that everytime you would ask me, "Mama ano'ng oras ka uuwi?" whenever I had to leave the house for work. And then this morning, that random "I love you" -- I'm just filled with so much love for you anak, I had to write about it here.

Ang bilis kasi ng mga taon. Super bilis. :-( 9 ka na ngayon, still a child, more innocent and unassuming than many kids your age (bata ka lang talaga--- napakasimpleng bata! and I'm proud!). Pero darating din ang time na magmamature ka na into being a tween, and all traces of that child-like innocence will be gone. Kaya sulit sulit din si Mama pag may time. I taught you chess, I introduced you to your first big girl book (Series of Unfortunate Events! You love Justice Strauss, naaawa ka sa kanya, sabi mo), today we will go to the park with your big girl bike and I will teach you how to ride it.  I love you in whatever shape form or version, pero minsan ka lang magiging bata. And these are precious days for me. Kaya habang bata ka pa, Mama will try to spend more time with you. Create more memories with you.