sad last night, remembering my aunt who passed away. it hasn't been a month, and we still feel her absence, the cold realization that we will never see her again. it still hasn't really sunk in til now, lagi pa rin akong naninibago, hindi makapaniwala. she was always there. always been there, especially for my mother. and i couldn't bear hearing my mother sobbing on the phone. gusto ko ring umiyak, pero pag umiyak kaming sabay, baka lalo lang syang malungkot.
i miss you so much tita baby. i miss your honking outside our house whenever you'd pick up mama for a ride to lola emang's at san mateo. i miss seeing you seated in our sala, in your t-shirt and shorts and the car keys dangling in your hand. i miss kissing you hello. i miss your shrill happy voice. i miss you practical advices, your funny laugh, your banana cake, your presence.
nung bata ako, my earliest memory of you was whenever i'd be vacationing in san mateo, sa kwarto mo ako natutulog...tabi tayo...ikaw ang nanay ko pag nagbabakasyon ako kina lola. spoiled ako bilang bata noon pero takot ako sa yo, pero ikaw ang nagpapaligo sa kin. nung kasal mo, flower girl ako, may sumpong ako on the morning of your wedding day habang nagpapamakeup tayong dalawa, pero nagulat ako kasi di mo ko pinagalitan...siguro kasi naisip mo wedding day mo, bawal magalit kasi papanget. haha.
minsan pumunta tayo sa cubao, kumain tayo ng isang donut sa dunkin' donuts - new frontier, in-introduce mo ko sa flavor na bavarian filled. gusto ko pa ng isa pero nahihiya akong humingi, pero hanggang ngayon paborito ko pa rin yung bavarian filled. every pasko lagi mong sinusukat ng kamay mo ang paa ko, lagi kang nagbabalak na bilhan ako ng sapatos bilang regalo, hindi ko na maalala kung natuloy nga ba ang pagbili mo sa kin ng shoes. ah, natuloy sya, sinama mo kong magshopping ng sapatos ko, bilang bata ang gusto ko yung tsarol na makintab na may mga ribbon, sabi mo wag baduy yan. binili mo ako ng black leather schoolshoes, at kahit ayaw ko nung shoes di na ko umimik...ngayon narealize ko na ang wisdom behind your taste, kasi ngayon nababaduyan nga ako sa tsarol.
minsan sinama ka namin sa beach excursion with my ninong, papa and mama, dalaga ka pa noon, naalala ko kung paano ka mag-sunbathing sa beach habang kumakain ng fried chicken habang naglalaro ako sa buhanginan. nung kinagabihan, tumambay tayo sa kotse para matulog habang nagmamahjong sina mama, you taught me my first song--"nothing's gonna change my love for you". kinakanta mo yun and you were encouraging me to sing along, but i was too young to remember an entire song. pero sa tuwing maririnig ko yung kantang yon hanggang ngayon, naaalala kita.
nung highschool ako going through my awkward years, you always had a solution for every teen problem--pimples, growing boobs, hygiene. you even gave me my first pedicure. nung nagsisimula na kong magsulat sa mga magazines, you were so supportive of me that you photocopied all of my works in your office machine and compiled them all for me. you were so proud of me and i was so flattered, i didn't want to let you down.
andami pang memories tita...kulang ang mga pahina, dahil you were always part of our lives. you were in the periphery, yes, but you were always there for us, just a phonecall away. it hurts to realize na ngayon hindi na kita makikita.
ang dami ko pa namang gustong itanong sa yo. tungkol sa buhay may-asawa. alam na alam mo yan, kasi nagdaan ka din sa phase ng buhay ko ngayon. pagdating sa ganyan, sa budget, sa bahay, sa pangangasiwa ng buhay, ikaw ang idol ko.
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