when broken thoughts scrape the insides of your skull..sometimes it gets a bit too sad

just saw "d anothers" last night. funny in a bernal-esque kind of way (i mean joyce bernal, a patron saint of pop mainstream at a time when people try so hard to make "Art") --if you want a simple roll in the hay on a night out, you'd be better off seeing this movie. hahaha! can't believe i said that. i think "roll in the hay" means something that's somekinda unwholesome. ooh, inappropriate for a debutante.

sinong debutante?! ako?! haha. before i know it it's probably going to be, what, 10 years since i turned eighteen. sheesh. i hate that feeling. started to feel that on my 25th birthday. that you're not in your teens anymore. and one more wink and you're going to age closer to 30 than to 20. euww.

hey, pano ko napunta sa topic na yun? weird mind.

"d anothers" was written by a friend of mine, adolf. so you go watch it k. it's gonna be worth a little less than a short roll in the hay anyway. ah ah ah!

sometimes it gets a bit too sad that before you know it you're starting to cry. or maybe i have this--what's this kind of sickness?--glaucoma? my tear ducts are too hyper, maybe. i cry over dead kittens for gosh's sake...but then again i'm a big cat lover anyway. i think i was a cat at some point in eternity...once.

sometimes the most ironic things happen in the unfunniest of circumstances. oh let's not get into that. last night was a fun night out with people i really really love, people i really really care for. Friends. the come-rain-come-shine types who would take you for everything that you are, insanities and all. over emptied cups of coffee at mcdo philcoa last night i was emptying myself out to a friend who--thank god--would probably still take me in even if i grew another head. i don't know. i do know that he's such a nice person i wouldn't exchange him for all the flatron tvs and entertainment systems in the world. then again...hmm. erm, maybe not for all the pirated dvds in the world....?

sometimes...sometimes...you just want to stare into space. and think of lost tomorrows. or tomorrows that you wouldn't want to lose. or the ones that got away. or why there are friends whom you incomprehensibly love too much that sometimes they can make you cry. when there are people who have been a lot nicer to you. when there are people who wouldn't forget your birthdays, who would always be there if you needed extra help for your video shoots, who would just be so damn naturally kind but still you don't feel the kind of affection that you would feel for the occasionally-insensitive jerkytacky dude who didn't really exactly do so much that he would deserve such affection.

now i'm not talking romantically. that ain't in this beeyatch's dictionary, ain't been there for a long time. sometimes, really, i wish i could just stop lying to myself.

i wonder if this journey's going anywhere. i wonder if there's enough gas to get me going until i get to the concept--no, the reality--of a There.

you take care, dearie. got a feeling that one of these days those oh-so-casual moments in your company will all cease to become part of the present. got a feeling that when that act three comes, this oddball storybook tale of a frog princess who would spin a few flytrap-dreams would be good as gone. good riddance? who knows. maybe. maybe nothing is really existent. maybe even life is not that precious.

got a feeling that that would happen, because maybe it's gonna happen. everything has a shelf life, really. i've been here before. and that, too, expired on its own.

so it's gonna happen here, too. same difference, different sameness. the only difference between you and that person is that he isn't you. and that's a really big difference for me.