clueless

god knows what kind of risk i'm subjecting myself to by publicizing these inane (and insane) rantings on you-know-who (do you know who? then i'm dead meat).

god knows what kind of--is there a more severe word than humiliation?--awkward place I would get myself into should somebody from the same circle (who knows both him and me) stumble upon this blog, piece together the incriminating clues, and find out the truth.

I am nameless, yes. But I am also naked. Voluntarily baring yourself isn't the same as being caught naked. I'd hate the latter very much.

In my younger years, my worst nightmare when it comes to "crushes" (haha. the term makes it so friggin trivial-sounding...which it actually is) is that the object of my girlish devotion would find out about it. Well, almost all the time they get suspicions. Which drives me up the wall. Oh, my ultimate shame. To be exposed naked for him to see.

That was before. Times change. Somehow.

Now my biggest fear is that the whole world would know. I wouldn't mind if he would know. Wag lang yung ibang tao na kilala sya at kilala ako. Ayokong bigyan sila ng bagay tungkol sa akin na papag-usapan. Neurotic pa rin, I know. But I never really took those heart-related things lightly. That's one thing I really should try to learn to do.

He hasn't approved my testimonial. Asked him about it, casually as I could. He didn't take the question seriously, didn't get a conclusive answer. Oh, well. I guess that says a lot about everything. As if the Fwendstah "About ME" thingie hasn't said enough. Hahaha.

When I got the forwarded chenelin this morning, I concluded, Ay. Alam na nya. So he IS smart enough to figure out, eh. The trail of clues were not that blatant, but probably conspicuous enough. It wasn't a shameful thing for me. But knowledge can be the bane of relationships sometimes.

Innocence. I long for those days, my friend, when you were so innocently, wonderfully clueless.