i don't want to think don't want to think don't want to think about it anymore. i just want to fall into a deep, deep sleep, and wake up with no memory of what used to bring sunshine to my recent days.

i don't want to remember the things i heard him say, the lies i said, the stories i made up just to cover up what i thought was just a little white lie. i don't want to remember because it makes me feel bad as a person, makes me feel like a really big lump of sh--t.

i love you, you know. or at least that's what i want to believe. that's what i want to feel. you sit there next to me, talking about the women in your life--ay, woman na lang pala, wala na yung isa ("Di nya nakayanan e," you said);ridiculing me for confessing that I, at 24 ("matanda na, no?", sabi mo), plead guilty to being innocent (that, at least, i didn't lie about); candidly, tactlessly confessing that you couldn't possibly carry on a sexless relationship ("Ang boring naman ng relationship na ganun"), couldn't possibly get by within two years without getting laid. You sit there, you asshole, not knowing that you're torturing me by the very
things you say, by your quiet indifference, your ignorance of the truth.

truth is that i'm a big liar. truth is you're the one i want. on that evening i'm the only one in that table who knows the truth, and it's a big burden to carry. it makes me hate myself. i'm plagued by guilt, shame, fear. i didn't need to lie, but i did. and honestly, i don't know why i did.
you killed my sunshine, labs. you might as well have killed me, too. and what really hurts is knowing that if you had known it, you probably couldn't have cared less.