whoring the craft

let's collect our thoughts, shall we...
- what's making me restless right now?! what's wrong with me? oh, yeah, i wanted to ask one director about some racket that i was really praying i could be part of. he called me thirty minutes ago but he made no mention of it. he did mention, though, that he was going to be busy in the next week. if i had gotten the racket, shouldn't he have mentioned it? does his non-mention mean i didn't get it? so what do i do? right--ASK. simple as that.
- sa trabahong to, walang mangyayari sa yo kung mahiyain ka. lakas ng loob, tapang ng apog, kapal ng mukha. i want to work continually. i want to learn more on the job. i want to be better. and yes, i want money.
- but one thing i really hated (and still hating) myself for was that SHOOTING DIRECTOR racket for an music video featuring a certain hunk/wannabe-balladeer. if there's anything i learned about it, it's this: NEVER whore your craft again...unless you really need the money. and no, folks, when i decided to take that racket i didn't need the money. i just wanted it. it was degradingly small for a director's salary, but i wanted something extra for the holidays.
- okay. crucify me. "filmmakers" with integrity will NOT take rackets like that. especially on such short notice (was offered the project one day before we were to shoot). i was such a whore at that time. i hated myself.
-there wasn't even enough time to think about how to improve the storyboard i'd been given (expectedly, corny...dang, was such a whore...). so i did the best i could to ride on with the material. you want corny? i'll give you corny. surprisingly, though, they found the rushes "videoke"...(Duh?! tingnan nyo nga yang storyboard nyo, sinusunod ko lang po yan.). It was a nightmare. Kung ayaw nyo yung ginagawa ko, mas lalong ayaw ko ang ginagawa ko! P--**y***ta!
- It was all my fault, i know. I know. I got into it knowing full well what it was. And all for how much? If you're gonna whore yourself, honey, make sure the price is worth the degradation.
- maybe i could be a lot, lot better, but i'm not so bad. so to hell with all the shit that they're going to haul at me that can feed my insecurities. you want me off postprod, fine. pangalan ko lang naman ang nakataya. i know i should have insisted. but getting to be in that place and with those people again is something i dread. but i know i should be there. kahit pro-bono. i didn't give birth to that child, but it was given to me to raise. gotta make sure it turns out okay, at the very least, if not well.
- self-loathing. it's the worst kind of hate to live with.