gawd, i feel so guilty.
i hate it when i had to do things like that. i didn't want to. but i couldn't. but still. i did. and should they harbor grudges towards me, i wouldn't be surprised. i would completely understand.
guilt. it's the worst feeling in the world.
which leads me to reminisce on...
My Top 10 Worst-Feeling Moments in Recent Memory
(in no particular order)
* waking up to realize that it's 4pm...and you were supposed to report for work five hours earlier.
* accidentally discovering the Art of Distrust.
* realizing that what you've come to believe as truth is no longer the truth. (hah. can i get any vaguer than this?)
* getting dizzy over too much nicotine in the bloodstream.
* rushing to finish the work...at a time when every damn second matters.
* being reminded of your non-normalcy. (arghhh. the worst)
* making mistakes.
* getting bothered by the absence of something that used to be there...when you have no right or reason to be bothered at all.
* discovering a painful, ugly truth. (i always had to smoke each time this happened)
* having your worst fears actually come to life. (this. is. the worst.)
but why do we have to dwell on the ugly feelings, right? not healthy, bluey. let's focus on these instead...
My Top Ten Best-Feeling Moments in Recent Memory:
* laughing with someone you really, really like.
* reciprocated affection, whether real or imagined.
* being by the sea in the morning...a feast for the sensories.
* stumbling upon a story idea that works/might work.
* getting high and hyper with ideas while shooting your own film.
* being able to wear those tight old jeans (comfortably!) again.
* hitting the right notes on videoke.
* laughing with friends.
* spending hard-earned money on your favorite things.
* dinner-talks with Papa. i miss those!
okay. tomorrow is another day. my departure for Saigon has been moved three days earlier--which means I'll have to leave on Friday, April 21. so many things to prepare for still. dang. the paperwork just keeps...coming. and the things to bring for the trip. i don't even have a list right now. i figure i might have to finish the paperwork first. and then on wednesday, i'll cram for the travel necessities.
last time i travelled out of the country was july last year. one-day trip to hongkong, for the kilig show. that didn't take much packing. but the longest trip i had was actually just 12 days.
anyway, about tomorrow. i don't know. things that just stumble your way should simply be taken in stride. be mature about it. don't squirm or run away, but don't embrace it too much either. just...chill. that's what you wanted, right. so that's what you're gonna get.
we're all transients in each other's lives, anyway.
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