yes, i'm the duchess of mush. boohoo.

and last night was the big goodbye. i told the bigwigs that i was leaving. "anxious" was a mild word for what i'd gone through as i was on my way to Da Haus--i didn't know how to approach them about my resignation.

but everything went nicely. too nicely, in fact, that my distrust radar started twitching. one thing i learned about this whole house-arrest experience, apart from the work and the politics, was a li'l somethin' about human nature. not all people will say what they really mean. on the other hand, words are cheap, and at times
may not mean anything more than empty protocol.

nonetheless. i told myself that after tonight everything will be water under the bridge, so to speak. life goes on. at 7 pm i formally resigned. then afterwards i partied. hoo-ha.

everyone was there, from the cameramen to the staff to the celebrities, right inside
the "set" where the show happened. no cameras following us around, but there were food, drinks, a band playing, dancing, singing on the signature Magic Sing, photo-ops, hugs, kisses, goodbyes. all the unpleasantness brought about by work, the memories of those dreary marathons and vigils, the fire- and ice-storms, were temporarily forgotten. it was easy for me to turn off everything else and concentrate on the night, on the moment, on the happy company.

happy. i lurve that word. most overused word in this blog.

as the night deepened the crowd started loosening up. stiff-collared people were transforming into Dance Floor Dynamites and Divas, stripping down to bare dance-ssentials, getting sweaty and soused. woohoo. so much laughter. dancing (with enough reserve, but much gusto!) with the newly-minted Party People. I especially love how Raging Bull danced--a classic! Spasmodic is the perfect word for it. and when "Dancing Queen" started playing he took me to the dance floor to do the swing. i was horrible, but i was laughin althroughout.

on one side near the pool was a spontaneously set-up "tagay" nook with the TDs, the Engineering dudes and dudettes, and my favorite Mother Goose, pulling in everyone for a shot of some bitter concoction. init sa lalamunan! and after each tagay they'd cheer for you as if you had just accomplished some gargantuan task. i only took one and never took another again. di ko kinaya. i stayed in that nook for a while to get a few snapshots with them. My favorite crew in the entire machinery. The Control Room is my favorite chillin place in Da Haus.

inside the living room the Magic Sing was in party mode. And so i and a coupla friends flocked to where the singin was, videoke addicts that we are...and we eventually monopolized the show. haha! keber pa kung nagngangangawa kami dun with the bossings and the celebrities within a ten-meter radius. it was also a blast singing along with the editors--we've never really had a chance to bond with them during the entire season. and i was happy enough being in the company of my videokemates from way-back-when. and everyone else was almost a blur, except for one.

through this lens, he was vivid, aglow, almost in slow-mo. haha. corny. but the memory of that moment was something to take with me for many days to come. even singing duets with him meant little compared to the very fact that he was just there.
the same little details that make up a chunk of memory. three days ago i'd been pissed enough to want to swear off his (semi)friendship for good, but everything seems so easily forgivable. and forgettable. dang it.

we took pictures of everything and everyone--every part of Da Haus, every celeb that we come across. cam whores, we are. hehe! made it a point to take pictures of me and my favorite workmates, from RB to Mother Goose to, yes, FG (but the picture wasn't that flattering. grrrr).

around 1 am.
happy drunks abound, getting thrown into the garden pool fully-clothed, getting drenched over with booze, doing marathon dancing onstage. i was a bit tipsy myself, and at least one co-worker had attempted to throw me into the pool (and dang, did i fight it! hah!). all in good spirits, everyone was hugging one another. more than fifty laborious days melting away in a series of warm, sincere hugs. awwwst.

we voluntarily exited Da Haus at around 2 am, and waited outside for a final goodbye to the big bossing. he was a little soused already; if he weren't he wouldn't have been blatantly pairing me off with another co-worker, on the spot. nakakarating pala ang ganyang mga intriga hanggang sa kataas-taasang position of power? it's depressing. because nothing's sacred or secret at all. for that one reason i'm even
gladder that it's over.

truth to tell, it's nothing to get overly disturbed about, but i'm a bit bugged by the attention being given by Borakid the entire night. not that i couldn't stand him,i just couldn't stand the attention. i run away from those things. the clingy, coming-on-as-too-serious kind of behavior. out of nowhere, someone you're hardly friends with professes stuff that you'd only read about in cheesy romance paperbacks.

and i feel slightly guilty about my reaction. i know. it's rude. because no one deserves cold treatment, especially when they've openly expressed affection. been on the giving end way too many times to know how it feels. but right at this point i can't imagine him being any more than just a passing entity in my life. maybe it can change, maybe it won't. but right now "casual" and "light" are my favorite words.

ewan ko. baka nga screwed up lang talaga ko. all i know is that i'm focused on one thing. i should be. because i've set it aside for way too long. i'm just glad that i've said goodbye to this chapter.

maybe, after a year of distancing, when i get to look back to this point in my life again i'll be able to see things from an objective perspective and realize that because the Great Machine is on a 24/7 grind, everyone has to keep up with it. everything has to serve the purpose of maintaining it, feeding it, tending to it. and protecting it.

and since the Great Machine is a significant part of an ever Greater Machine, all systems go talaga, each time. do everything to the extreme for the greater good. there are gods and there are cogs, and even smaller bolts and nuts, but in the final analysis, everyone is a, well, Slave to the Machine. willing, or otherwise.

maybe in a year's time i'll be able to realize, too, that at the end of the day, it really all comes down to being in the right place at the right time. and being happy with what you're doing.

right now i think the right place for me is the beach. and i'll be nothing less than a happy person if i could just pack my bags, get away, and soak myself in calm blue waters. hay i've been saying that for the upteenhundredth time.

3 am. the big bossing was still at it. lecturing two or three of his celeb minions about "career pathing". aww. i lurve this bossing. he's so fatherly. of course, he has his days, but compared to the others, he's basically a laidback darling. hah.
i've said that about someone before and now the Machine has killed the darling in her. i ate my words.

and there came Holly, out of Da Haus. it was one of those midnight conversations that spurred me to think about resigning, and one of these days i'm goin to thank him for that. sometimes it has to take an outsider to tell you things about yourself.

him: will you be back next season?
me: no.
him: (not surprised) have you told them yet?
me: yes. bakit? anong issue?
him: (enigmatic smile) wala lang. just curious.
me: yeah, i told them.
him: so...goodbye.
me: not goodbye, just see you later, you know that.

owst. uma-item ang mga upsound. he said nothing, ran his fingers through my hair,
only to get stuck in the tangles at the ends. haha.

parang spoof ng shampoo commercial. next time saffron, mag-rejoice ka. para walang sabit, okei. haha. fitting metaphor.

as Holly was walking away i said aloud to my companion, "kumusta naman yon, sumabit ang kamay ni Holly sa buhok ko." and we laughed. haha-laugh. i knew he heard it, i knew that he was probably silently laughing about it, too. i remember his comment before about my hair being "in clumps" whenever i was working. well dude, it was 2 am and i'd done some serious sweaty partying. so gimme a break, okei. hehe.

hwell. time to start over again. this time around, level up. go beyond the comfort zone. conquer that stifling feeling of facing a blank phosphorus screen. for the time being, til the next project begins.

after leaving Da Haus some of us trooped to the nearest watering hole for a Part 2 of the inuman. sakit sa ulo, but fun. this was the same place we'd been to last time, but the last time was happier because fg was around. yey. summer sunshine. bright spot. happy thought. okray beeyatch. never really got to say goodbye to you. you did a french exit. i've done my rounds but it's somekinda sad, not having been able to give a goodbye hug to the one i'd probably miss the most.

awwwst. mushy to the nth power.

never really left, have i. it's the same point, but on a different plane. at least. nag-eevolve. kahit papano. no i-miss-you aftermaths. just "see-ya-later-sister"s.

well. time to send all that to the archives. and level up for the history books. huwaaw.