dumping whines on a lovely rainy day

i SO can't wait to have this baby. it sounds selfish, but i want my body back. i long for the days when i could still fit my baby tees and skinny jeans, when i could deal with stress and other anxieties with a puff of menthols, when walking/getting up/stooping down/any slightest physical activity wouldn't trigger aches and pains and shortenend breaths.

when i said this to my OB a month ago she glowered at me and said, 'baka di mo alam kung gaano kahirap mag-alaga ng premature baby'. at kung gaano ka-gastos. so THAT shut me up.

kaya baby ko, stay warm and comfy in there. magpahinog ka lang dyan. i'll see you in around 8 weeks. :-) mommy's kinda scared big time, not only of giving birth to you, but of other humongous changes in life as well. i know, though, that with god's help and blessing, everything will be alright. we'll be able to adjust to everything in no time.

nearing my 8th month now (doc would prolly say 8 months na ko ngayon pero di ako naniniwala. HAHA) and thank god, so far wala pa naman akong manas na nakikita sa mga kamay, paa at binti ko (except for the humongously swollen monay face). can't speak too soon though, pero sana lang wag na kong manasin. that means i'll have to eat less. which is such a bummer, because i'm nearly ALWAYS hungry. and when i'm deprived, i'm grouchy. i binge more.

i also pee every 10 minutes. i'm woken up early in the morning EVERY SINGLE DAY by the need to pee. would've been easier if i could walk normally, but lately i've been feeling an ache on my right pelvic joint everytime i walk. must be the baby weight, must be the mommy weight, but nonetheless it's there and it gets worse when i stay in one position for a long time.

there's work to do this afternoon and i'm not looking forward to it. HAY. tamad.i'd rather whine instead. haha.

still shopping for baby names but we're semi-settling with AUDREY CHRISTI. Audrey, dahil gusto ko lang, Christi, dahil joseph daw si daddy at mary si mommy kaya si baby, jesus christ (pero dahil girl, christi na lang. haha sorry lord jesus for using your hallowed name). i remember our first date, when he first learned about my full name, and that was what he had said. "bagay talaga tayo, kasi joseph ako, mary ka". ". to which i had to fight the urge to roll my eyes and guffaw. so corny, it's funny.

i remember that first date as well, when we were walking along the mall and i saw a couple with a baby walking ahead of us. at that moment i had this silly feeling, almost a premonition, at that time i couldn't say it was anything i'd wish for, i wasn't tumbling all over the place for the guy, but it just...popped in my head. and years later, the premonition came true.

aww. feeling romantic me again. haha. baka pag sinabi ko to sa kanya ngayon, he'd be the one who'd roll his eyes and guffaw. so corny, it's funny.

3:06 am

and i can actually see my tummy moving, my baby kicking inside. MOMMY! MATULOG KA NA! PARANG AWA MO NA! haha. ang weird lang tingnan. nakikita ko talagang gumagalaw yung tiyan ko from inside.

after four days, a single freakin powerpoint done. uncondensed. 14 freaking slides. too long. dang. pero dinugo ako bago ako nakapagsimula. figuratively. ang hirap.

lord, salamat. nagdasal ako bago ko sinimulan and he helped me finish. lord, sana po maapprove. please. para masimulan na. please.

dahil sa 2nd week of august, mababago na ang buhay. one step up. ibang level uli. i need to set work aside for a little of the personals. pero syempre, kailangang kumayod hangga't kaya. lalo na't may baby. lalo na't nahihirapan akong makita na umiiyak ang nanay ko. bilang ina, bilang anak. pusong babae talaga ako.

i dream of a flowing white church wedding. of a long red carpeted aisle to walk on, me glowing in a beautiful wedding dress. of lilies and carnations and baby pinks. of heartfelt vows and wedding rings and happy tears after The Kiss. whoever makes that dream come true for me shall have my heart forever.

audrey noelle, or audrey christi? ano'ng mas magandang pangalan?

we will have to host a baby shower soon. i just don't know how we'll go about it.

got a scriptcon offer to work for br1llant3 m3ndoza's next film. sayang, wrong timing. with the writing job and the baby and all. two years ago it would've been a good project to take on. out of town shoot, walang uwian, relatively good pay. i miss the adventure of shoots sometimes.

sometimes. hehe.

i want only positivity and nothing else. i will it.

i hate the inborn nega in me. hate it.

3 in the morning. 1 script down, 1 more to go, 19 sequences to finish by 12 noon later. good luck. di ako inaantok sa ngayon pero a bit too drained para magpatuloy. sa tingin ko kailangan ko munang umidlip.

or maybe not. malay ko makasulat pa ko ng isang eksena. or two.

dapat matapos to by noon mamaya.

* * *

sometimes i just want to flee. detach. fly away. for two or three days. and then come back. sorely missed. refreshed. happier than normal.

but i think it's gonna be a good idea, to just back off for a while. to just remove myself and immerse into something else. at least, for the weekend.

marami akong namimiss. cigarettes, most of all. i know i shouldn't even think of it positively. yun ang dapat ninenega ko sa utak ko. pero namimiss ko lang yung stress mechanism na yon. pag may emotional need ako na nag-uumapaw, i used to turn to three things: yosi, food, love. not necessarily in that order. ngayon, dalawa na lang ang sandalan ko. at yung food, hazardous din naman, not only to my health (if in large doses) but to my figure. at yung love, parang yosi din. if you chain-smoke, if you rely on it too much, di rin healthy. tsktsk.

kaya namimiss ko ang yosi. my mind misses it but my body barfs at the smell of it. di ko pa rin ma-take ang amoy hanggang ngayon.

detach, girl. detach and immerse in other things.

i hate my 7monthpreggy look. i hope i don't look any worse than i already am. it depresses me even more and makes me want to go away all the more.

eh di naman ako makaalis. dahil 7 months na. sabi nila bawal na ang long trips. lalo na pag mag-isa. oo gusto kong umalis mag-isa. gusto ko lang i-try. gusto kong gumawa ng mga bagay na maaring hindi ko na pwedeng gawin pag lumabas na ang anak ko.

gusto kong gumawa ng maraming bagay na hindi ko (na) pwedeng gawin sa ngayon. tulad ng magyosi at mag-coke zero at the same time. tulad ng maglasing kahit isang gabi lang in the happy company of friends. tulad ng magdiet. at marami pang iba.

kababawan, yes. puros kababawan. dahil may parte ng pagkatao ko na ayaw pa ring mag-let go sa pagkabata/kabataan. dahil for the most of my life, i was young, at iyon ang nakasanayan. there's comfort in the familiar. fear in change.

i'm not in control most of the time. there are changes that are not in my control, and it depresses me, makes me feel helpless. kaya lalo kong namimiss ang yosi, dahil wala akong makapitan. i shouldn't turn to food. i shouldn't turn to love. but i can suck on a menthol stick and channel all my anxieties into it, it won't mind. sure, my body would, but for the moment, i'd feel alive and healthy and invulnerable. at least until i finish it all up.

i'm such a dependent. ARGH.

slow days

di ko alam kung matutuwa ako o mababagot. dahil part of me feels na sayang ang oras, na sana ginagamit ko ang panahon ko ngayon para kumita ng pera. pero a part of me feels grateful din, for the rest, for the free time. not for long, though, dahil lock-in na naman sa wednesday. scripting for the rest of this week.

pero happy. relatively. thank god. knock on wood. basta yun ang solid, na lagi ko namang pinagdadasal sa diyos, happy lagi.

7th month. magpapalit ako ng obgyne dahil sabi nila, kung saan ka daw nagpapacheckup dapat doon ka manganganak. magulo pa rin si baby sa loob at nangangamba ako na baka umikot na naman sya at maging suhi na naman. baby sana wag na. please stay put. we want you to come out the normal way. less risky, less expensive.

dominique or athena? ano ba'ng magandang pangalan? yung athena sounds strong, pero i'm more partial to dominique dahil si osobear ang pumili. sa kagustuhang magkaroon ng boy na baby gusto nya male-sounding name para sa girl naming baby. duh, haha.

sabi naman ng nanay ko dapat daw vowel ang start ng pangalan ng anak namin at odd ang suma ng mga letters para daw kasundo namin. doon naman pasok ang athena. hay. hanggang sa pagbibigay ng pangalan talagang mapamahiin ang nanay ko.

i need to lose weight. or at the very least not gain any more weight. kaso ang hirap. ang sarap kumain. i'm still craving. i'm hungry most of the time. waaaaah. naiinis ako.

thank god may maid na kami. sana magtagal. kasi kailangang-kailangan namin with what happened to papa. yaya na lang ang kulang, around september siguro kakailanganin na.

lord, thank you. sa lahat.

it's gonna be a girl

yehey. :-)