3:32 am

i'm an addict, yes. so crucify me.
dapat natutulog na. bad sa skin ang puyat. tse.

* * *

was surfing the net nang mapag-tripan kong i-google (ulit) ang sarili ko. gusto kong makita kung may latest signs-of-existence pa ba ko sa cyberspace. 2003 pa kasi yung huli kong silip ng mga updates. yeah, i google myself. i'm a narcissist for punishment. hah.

one of the latest was about my thesis. how so 2003. the writer called it my "diploma film". napayosi ako bigla. kung iisipin ko ngayon, parang di ako makapaniwala. para kasing sobrang tagal na. parang ibang tao na yung gumawa non.

people change. and they can change for the better or for the worse. the me of 2003 would've undoubtedly concluded that i, at 28, have changed for the worse. but she probably didn't know better. she would have had to live through six more years to be able to understand why i think i've changed for the better now.

a bit for the better. to a certain extent. at least life's no longer all about a selfish dream anymore.
ewan ko. siguro sinasabi ko lang 'to para mabigyan ng excuse ang mga pagkukulang ko sa life. ang mga perceived failures and missed chances. ang mga bagay na dati ay pinangarap kong gawin na eventually ay naging lost memories na lang. at least, for now. hangga't di pa naman ako dead lagi namang pwedeng magbago ang kahit ano.

masarap lang talaga pag bata ka, at may goal ka, and to a certain extent mabibigay sa yo ang isang kapiraso ng pangarap na yon. thanks to the "diploma film", ganun ang naramdaman ko. naging passport ko din sya sa maraming bagay, sa mundo outside of school. pero in a way siguro naging masama siya para sa akin. i lacked maturity. despite my wanting to believe at that time that i knew what i was doing, ang totoo, wala pa talaga kong masyadong alam. my head understood this then, but secretly, i was stubborn.

kasi, learning is a lifelong process. you can never learn enough. to believe otherwise can only mean na either immature ka, arogante ka, or both.

* * *

nalungkot ako bigla.
parang na-meet ko ang isang ex.
tas pinaalala nya yung happy days namin together noon.

* * *

come to think of it, in a way, i've deteriorated. sensibilities-wise.
basahin ko pa lang ang mga blog entries ko at ikumpara sya noon, obvious na obvious na. hay.