manna, mirages, and The One

realization of the day: minsan, far-sighted ako.

minsan, everything looks good from a distance.
and then you get close, and the word "mirage" pops up in your mind.
i don't want to give up on this. i've given up enough times to know how regret can actually hound you for years.
minsan naman, hindi ako nagigive up. kaso yung mga bagay na pinagtitiisan at talagang bunibuno ko, sila naman yung parang mga maling bagay na tiyagain.

you work on being good in a Bit Player role, by the end of the day you're going to be Master Bit Player. master ka nga, pero bit player pa rin.

mali minsan ang instincts ko.

* * *

manna. kailangan ko ng manna. from god, from the heavens.
mana. pwede rin.
i was so hopeful by the start of the year, gusto kong ma-maintain yon. kasi yun lang talaga ang makakapag-drive sa kin to live through the most challenging times.
kaya kelangan magbasa ng ms. miller horoscope uli. para mabuhayan, at marefresh ang aking daydreaming faculties.

life is new. the world is new.
sometimes i wish i had spent all those years where i am now, instead of spreading myself out everywhere.

hope. yun ang di dapat mawala. may timebomb element, but god is mabait. god is magaling. god is all-knowing. alam nya ang gagawin, ang mangyayari, ang mga whys and hows, ang mga tama at mali para sa yo. bukod sa hope, faith. actually, mas importante ang faith. dahil yung hope, parang naghi-hint lang ng wonderful possibilities. pero ang faith, sigurado ka sa puso mo, 100% sure ka, na magkakaroon ng wonderful possibilities. na hindi ka papabayaan. na eventually, all will be well. and manna will fall from the sky. or crop up from the earth. or rise from the sea. or appear out of thin air.

because god knows better, so much better.

* * *

writing throws me out of balance.
then again, what job doesn't?

ang reklamo ko sa production, i can't always be clean.
ngayon na hindi ako nagpo-production, na-realize ko na it's all up to you pa rin. how you want to conduct yourself, how you want to look, how you want to live your life. no matter where you are or what you're doing. you can't make your job and excuse.

* * *

1 day and a half lang ang binigay na deadline for a full script. 11:30 am ang deadline, sunday.
sinimulan kong magsulat ng friday, late night. nakaisang sequence lang ako. tinuloy-tuloy ko buong araw ng sabado, all the way til the wee hours of sunday from 1 am til 10 am this morning. powered by caffeine and nicotine.

10 am, nasubmit ko. tapos, natulog ako. bukas, presentation. tuesday, feedback.
sana, manna.
sana hindi maging mirage ang mga pangarap.

* * *

ang career pala, parang relationship din. when you're young you will play the field. you want to be free, don't want to be tied down, you want the adventure and the great outdoors and the cornucopia of people places and experiences. but when you get older the need to settle down will insist itself upon you. you will want to find a job that you can spend the rest of your life with, a job that will take care of you, a job that you can grow old with.

i've sowed my oats. now i'm ready to settle down. sa ngayon, gusto ko nang pakasalan ang pagsusulat. gusto kong magkaroon ng maraming anak sa kanya.

i hope i've found it. i hope this is The One. isa lang talaga ang bagay na hinihingi ko. isang sign that it will take care of me.