thank you lord

for the two-day rest. for the three-day out-of-town vacation. for payday today.
so many things to thank god for, still. kahit masama ang umaga ko.

* * *

the ilocos vacation merits a separate entry. dahil sobrang extensive/intensive ng experience na yon. it was much more fun than our first ilocos visit last year dahil walang tinik ng trabaho sa dibdib the whole time i was there (may trabaho, yes, pero tinapos ko na pagbalik ko dito sa manila). plus the fact na mas marami kami (this year kasama sina penguin at caloy, unlike last year na twinbill loveteams lang kami...threesome loveteams na ngayon..yihee monj). so bilang marami akong pwedeng ikwento tungkol sa ilocos vacay, i'll stop right here. and give a day-by-day action-packed account later.

* * *

i'm more emotional lately. i should bridle myself. i can't always make my hormones as an excuse. but it's really strange, fascinating, in fact, how short my fuse is lately. i'd literally feel the blood rising up to my head. so yeah, i should bridle myself.

* * *

pag naiinis ako, nagsisisi ako. nagwi-wish ako na sana hindi na lang. dahil kung hindi, hindi pa malayo ang pangarap kong makapagbikini sa beach. hindi ko kailangang bumili ng bagong wardrobe. hindi ako sasabihan ng sarili kong nanay na "mukha ka nang nanay" sa laki ng pinagbago ng itsura ko (yeah, she ACTUALLY said that. HMPF). pag naiinis ako, i resent things. out of spite. out of anger. unfair and hurtful to the innocent, yes, but i can't help it. i'm angry e. i give myself 5 minutes to just be unrepentantly angry. 5, 10. maybe even 15, pag nasa bahay ako at walang ibang maaapektuhan. and when i'm angry i resent things, because i feel TRAPPED. TRAPPED. TRAPPED.

and i miss my old life. how back then the possibilities would be limitless and there would always be a choice and, at times like these, i could afford to sit back and ponder my endless options. and yes, bail if i want to. just run, if i need to.

pero ngayon, hindi na. pero okay lang. dahil lilipas din to. dahil ang inis ko, lilipas din. and i'll be back to realizing how lucky and blessed i am. that there are wonderful things to look forward to.

just give me 5 more minutes.