mind-rape

ganyan ang naramdaman ko habang tinatapos ang nakatokang script for week 18. utak na pilit na pinipiga kahit pagod  at said na. 

habang nagsusulat, bilang ako nang bilang. at 1 in the morning, 13 sequences pa.  natapos ako, 8 in the morning. how could 13 frickin sequences take up my entire night?  

bakit feeling ko lagi, bilanggo ako ng deadline? kapag may deadline, hindi ako makausap nang masaya ako. parang laging may nakadagan sa mga balikat ko. wala akong wisyo ng petsa, oras, o taon. kapag may deadline, lalong mas masarap matulog, gumawa ng kung anu-ano malibanna lang sa magsulat. spending time i hadn't earned yet. i do a lot of that, and this is the price. mind-raping myself because time was running out. feeling like a prisoner. loving my job a little lot less than i would on normal days. 

week 18. last two weeks to go. yehey. i will miss you, you two lovebirds. pero sa bilis ng mga pangyayari at sa pagtira-tira ko na lang ng mga bagay, hindi ko na matandaan ang mga pinagsususulat ko from weeks 15-18.  dati, kabisado ko kung anong nangyayari sa bawat linggo. ngayon... zzzzz. kiung ang mismong writer ng show ay tinatamad nang manood, matakot ka na. that means it's turned into a show that not even the writer could love. 

but no, i love our show. it's the closest to my heart in recent years. it's just that... after 1 year working on this, pagod na ako... gusto kong magbakasyon, kahit sa ilang linggo lang na nakatihaya at nakatunganga lang ako. 

gusto kong magbaguio actually. nang wlang dinadalang trabaho doon. wedding anniversary namin ng husband ko, hihilingin ko sa kanya na ilibre ako sa buffet. yun nga lang, nasa baguio ang bufffet. hehe. 

excited na akong planuhin ang HK disneyland trip namin ng anak ko at mama ko at husband ko. 

i long to travel europe. 

i long to go to japan. 

i LOOONG to visit the US. 

i want my own car. dahil looban itong lugar namin at ang hirap kumuha ng taxi!

pero at the same time, i have a financial quota for the year, too. if i am going to meet that one, walang lugar sa 2016 ang kotse o kahit anong byahe except HK na nakaplano na. 

gusto ko lang magsallita na talaga. dahil napapansin ko, no one from my network really wanted to comment on it. maybe it was the wisest thing to do. pero hindi ko lang talaga masikmura yung mga santo santitang nanghuhusga ng tao at pinupublish ang unfairly formed opinion nila sa social media. di nyo ba narirealize, you're crucifying the person! hindi mo pa nga narinig ang side nya! hindi tamang nilabas yung sulat na yun sa social media. parang gusto mo talagang ipahiya yung nirereklamo mo. parang gusto mo talaga syang kuyugin. yun ba ang hustisya? o gusto mong gumanti? 

you're an outsider, doing a job that you don't even KNOW how to do. you don't even know that you are costing the production MONEY because you don't know how to do your job right. not an excuse para muramurahin ka, maybe. sino ba naman ang may gusto na mamura sya. pero you publishing that open letter, you are way out of line. 

anyway, 10:28 am. timefor bed. i'll probably be dead to the world until after lunch. im SO happy na aalis na sila for US in two days. at least, kahit papano, some time to breath bago umarangkada uli.