spending time i haven't earned yet

boring ang buhay ng isang writer. all the action is happening inside the mind.

kaya eto ako. fangirling again. trying to create inspiration. feeding my dreams, for whatever they're worth.

dahil kay S, naging crush ko na rin tuloy si P who portrays him. (Teenager Mode: ON) at nasa getting-to-know-you stage ako ngayon.  narealize ko, medyo artsy fartsy pala siya. 10 years ago, that would've been a plus pogi point for me. nakakasakay pa ako sa mga artsy fartsy types. pero ngayon may "duh" moment na ako--- like he's speaking another language, at may lag bago maabsorb ng utak ko.

must have been my husband's influence, na medyo allergic sa ganyang mga bagay. he's as "vernacular" as any ordinary average joe. he even scoffs at "artsy farsty" types sometimes. nahawa na ako sa kanya, kaya nung binabasa ko ang mga tweets ni P to fans about his favorite movies (Tangerine? what's that? CHAR), favorite songs (di ko na maalala, basta di ako makarelate), favorite animals (extinct daw ba, pwede? HA. PAWITTY KUYA?), favorite places to hang out ("somewhere quiet at the edge of the world", or something to that effect), napapa- "EH"? ako.

the first time he approached us, my boss introduced me. i shook his hand, met his eyes, and he asked me- "first time mong pumunta sa set? or sa set na nandito ako?" sinagot ko, di ko na maalala kung ano, and then there was this lull, and it was an awkward lull, i couldn't help looking away, kundi dahil siya si S sa utak ko, hindi ako maiilang.

okay pa sana yun, until nalaman nyang gusto kong magpapicture sa kanya. aha. fan-alert. kung imamapa ang character ng taong to based on his social media posts, he hates the showbiz side of his job. maybe even has disdain for fans who want to get pictures taken with him. but KEBS ko. gusto kong iimmortalize ang moment na 'to, nung nameet ko for the first time ang favorite character kong si S (na kamukha ni P).

and then the three of us, my boss and i and P sat down to smoke cigs. he was shown the teaser for the show's finale, hestarted talking about fish-eye lenses and stuff, that it would've been great if they used the fisheye for the first shot. ABA ABA, mukhang gustong magdirektor ni kuya someday. (pero napaisip ako dun- fisheye distorts things-- gusto mong gamitin sa mga mukha nyo for the teaser?).

pero fascinated ako, dahil hindi ko mafigure out if this guy is artsy fartsy real or he's just pretending, throwing in big words, wanting to be "iba",  nagpapaka-deep, borne from a subconscious attempt maybe to set himself apart from the others. hindi naman siguro. but whatever you are, P. basta si S, kilalang-kilala ko. at least, yung side nya na gusto kong kilalanin. yung ideal side.


P.S.
What is love in one word? Ang sagot nya: "UNIVERSAL".  Meh. Parang sagot ng isang hindi pa nainlove. there are a hundred emotional, personal, meaningful words you can use to describe love. and you use what?

What is love in many words? "The only feeling that lasts forever". Argh. Parang kinopya sa greeting card. Di pa nga yata nainlove si Kuya. Buti pa si C, "love is a step above friendship". at si L, "kahit walang kapalit, nagmamahal ka pa rin". At least, may personal stamp nila ang mga sagot nila.

Pero itong si P, sinoshowbiz ang mga sagot. either that, or pa-intellectual.

Dahil sa mga sagot nyang yan, parang mas malapit na kong maniwala na pa-intellectual lang itong taong 'to. Big words pa more, kuya. Tsktsk. Hindi ganyan si Sir S.