...that i really love going to new far-off places.
especially if it's for free.
gusto kong pumunta ng bukidnon!
* * *
i remember someone having gone to bukidnon, a long long time ago. he called me and told me that he was out there, smoking weed under the stars. or something like that.
years later he told me, that was the past, saffron. and that was just one night in bukidnon.
haha. haller?!
hindi pa ko nakapunta ng bukidnon. hindi ko nga alam kung sa visayas ba sya o mindanao (o sa luzon?). hindi ko alam ang itsura nya, kahit sa pictures. ang naiisip ko pag nababanggit ang bukidnon, bukid. haha.
gusto ko, gusto ko!
makakapunta ko ng bukidnon this september. I WILL IT!
* * *
asap daw.
kaya nase-stress ako.
taena. istorbo pa ang mga miting miting e. istorbo din ang chika. istorbo din ang internet. andaming istorbo!
basta, this friday. THIS FRIDAY. no later.
what the hell is so hard about a freakin ppt anyway? anoba!
* * *
hay.
hindi ko na alam.
natutuwa ako para sa iba, pero hindi na ko nangangarap para sa sarili ko ng tulad ng nangyayari sa kanila.
mahaba pa naman ang buhay. at marami pang pwedeng magbago.
* * *
i dreamed of her again.
she was shooing me away.
she came into the room and saw me, and turned to someone and said, "i can't believe she'd stoop this low."
hindi pa nya sinabi sa kin nang diretso. sa dream, hindi ako na-hurt. parang expected ko na. she shooed me away the last time i saw her. hindi na bago ang kahit ano.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
redirecting...please wait
sometimes being busy isn't synonymous with being productive. it depends on what being "productive" means to you.
if productivity means money, you barely pass the mark. but at least you haven't failed. so far, knock on wood. but if it's a career for the long term, you get this feeling that nearly everything you do everyday is somehow, well, all for the meantime. that it isn't what you would really want to do for the rest of your life.
which leads you--always--to the one great question that you and only you could ever give a shit about: if not this (or that), what then?
and after weeks, months, of ranting and raving and pondering (aloud) about it, you still haven't found an honest answer. and so you just find yourself floating. like a ghost in the 2046 train. passing through from coach to coach, but never really finding (home?) what you really want.
but what matters is what the present could offer, so you jump and jump and jump from one meantime thing to the next to survive every day.
you think you've found a key to one unopened train coach, an unexplored territory, but you haven't summoned enough guts (and discipline) to get into it for real. so you're not certain, like how you are with most things, because you haven't really tried it. but right now you want nothing more than to finally get on that coach and see for yourself. and reap the fruits of creative labor (after so many years of doing left-brain work).
nothing is certain, but it's the only seemingly new bright option at present. it's a challenge, and time is closing in on you. you have to do it now, or it's going to be another one of those lost tomorrows again.
whatever happens, though, you're slowly starting to be open to the possibility that one can derive fulfillment and happiness from other things, besides one's career. that beyond the straight line you are trying to create for yourself, there could be happiness waiting for you somewhere in the sidelines.
coming from someone who's been making her so-called career the center of her life for the past 28 years, that's somekinduva a major realization. har!
* * *
saturday, i played hooky.
pleaded a day off from the reality show taping and a project RR meeting which were to take place on the same day. my alibi was that i had another shoot. for the tv show i got a substitute for me to babysit those freaking minidv tapes. it turns out that the person referred to me who would do the job is someone i worked with in j3ffr3y j3turian's cebu movie. (ah, that cebu adventure. hanggang ngayon memories would still come flooding in at the least likely moments). you know that you're getting old in this business when you bump into a former co-worker in nearly every new project you take.
i knew that i would be needed at the project RR meeting (what would they do without a scriptgirl/secretary? malabo nang lahat mga mata nila. haha, sama ko), but i already scheduled a date with The Batman.
we had resisted joining the cinema crowds on The Dark Knight's first week run. it took a lot of discipline from me to do so (mababa ang EQ ko e). so that saturday i was decided. come hell or high water. everything else would take a backseat, kebs na kung anong maging resulta.
the taping was out of town and they left in the early morn of saturday but the meeting was to be in qc at 5pm. on my way to the MRT in cubao i bumped into two former co-workers from projectRR--one of whom was the Boss Direk's secretary. sheesh. sa dinami-dami ng pwede kong daanan sa farmer's plaza. hindi ko alam kung isusumbong nya ko, pero kebs na.
* * *
monday was a shoot for a friend's maiden directing feature. i was AD and i think i liked it, at the end of the day, kahit postdated check ang kaliwaang bayad. (m0th3r l1ly, isdatchu?). creative-wise maraming points ang hindi ako agree sa style ng direktor, pati na rin sa attitude towards the whole "Director" thingie, pero dahil friend ko sya at AD nya ko quiet na lang ako. naniniwala kasi ako na puso ang dapat pinapairal pag nagkukwento ka. hindi ka dapat maging aware sa style. i think it's not about shots or about a scene per se, but how it all fits in the bigger picture. eh medyo mahilig sya sa mga ganun.
naniniwala din ako na ang pagiging "direktor" is more about responsibility than privilege or so-called glory. kaya if you take up the role, mas mabigat ang pressure of obligation kesa sa euphoria over being called a director. not to say that i'm against people who choose to dwell on the euphoria side of it. but the "director" role is just something that scares me now. scares me, because of the obligations and responsibility attached to it. kung tatawagin ka ngang direktor pag shoot nyo pero pag lumabas ang pelikula pangit naman, sa yo din ang bwelta, sa yo din ang sisi. at pag may nangyari sa shoot mo--may nasaktan, may na-injure, etc--ikaw ang may command responsibility. kaya nakakatakot. kung magdidirek ka, siguraduhin mo na handa ka para sa lahat ng responsibilities na kakabit ng titulong "direktor". at confident ka sa written material na bubuhayin mo onscreen, dahil pangalan mo din ang nakataya (sabi nga nila, bad scripts usually don't make good films).
in fairness sa friend ko, mukhang in good shape naman sya. at mukhang confident naman sa written material. mamahalin din sya ng AD nya dahil mabilis syang magdirek. we finished the day at 2:30 am, with 20-plus sequences closed (including a rape scene and a murder scene) and one major company move. na-realize ko na as an AD, i'm mre of a lark than an owl. mas buhay ako sa araw kesa gabi, pero syempre ume-effort pa rin akong pantayin ang efficiency level mapa-araw man o gabi.
kahit as AD, may certain glamor pa rin. people would call you "direk" din kahit alam mo na sa set, isa lang talaga ang direktor. tulad din ng pagiging direktor, that certain dint of power over your jurisdiction comes with a huge bulk of responsibility. hindi lang sa pagmobilize ng shoot, kundi sa problem solving din on-set, sa pagtupad ng gusto ng creative intentions ng direktor, sa pag-lookout for the safety of everyone involved. pag may sumablay sa kahit isa man sa mga nasa D&R mo, kahit maraming factors involved, sisisihin at sisisihin mo pa din ang sarili mo, dahil command responsibility mopa rin yon.
kung as continuity supervisor line of vision ang huling challenging thing na natutunan ko, as AD siguro ang pinaka-challenging (so far, at present) ay yung pag-motivate sa artista. sa first J@de movie i left the motivating to direk and the acting coach, pero in some projects the director would at some point rely on the AD.
yung bida namin kagabi nahihirapan syang umarte at pagod na din si direk, kaya ako na yung pinatira nya. i was trying to use the only acting style that i knew on him (3ric m0rr1s). it turns out na iba pala yung acting style na ginagamit nya for the film (The Method, which i think is more cerebral than instinct-based). syempre somehow lost ako. haha.
na-realize ko din na for most actors mas magwowork ang motivation kung one-on-one kayo, pag kayo lang ang nakakarinig. kasi dati as director in my past works pag nagmo-motivate ako ng artista everyone on set hears it. in some cases it works, in some it doesn't. pero pag bulung-bulungan lang between actor and motivator, mas personal, less slef-conscious.
sa s@pi, seduction scene nung babaeng artista at nung asawa nyang nagdadasal. medyo bagets pa yung girlaloo at first time nyang gawin ang eksena of that sort. sabi ni d1rek sa kin, gusto daw nya lumabas ang sensuality nung girl. parang in effect he was throwing the ball at me (his AD). hala, eh taga-teatro kaya ang direk na to (at 3ric morr1s din ang gamit nya), kaya di ko ma-gets noon kung bakit hindi nya gawin ang motivating himself. (later i realized it's the gender thing. straight guy kasi sya). wala din naman ako masyadong alam about sensuality acting exercises (i was subjected to it once, pero sobrang na-self conscious ako).
i went up to the girl and whispered girl talk. things that only girls would know. sobrang hindi schooled at academic pero somehow it worked. approved ni direk yung eksena. parang natuwa ako, kasi kaya ko palang tumulong sa acting ng artista. and to think na girl talk lang naman yung pinagbulungan namin!
* * *
ang ganda ng The Dark Knight. between burton and nolan, i'm sure mas maraming fans ang stylized Batman movie ni Burton. but i admire nolan's depth. he chose substance over style, but was able to balance both successfully. nagagandahan ako sa gargoyles ng gotham city ni burton pero mas bilib ako sa social commentary (na hindi pilit!) ng gotham story ni nolan. it's a tale of a city, not just of one person in a bat suit.
sana ma-meet ko si nolan in person. ka-lebel na sya ni wong kar-wai sa libro ko.
if productivity means money, you barely pass the mark. but at least you haven't failed. so far, knock on wood. but if it's a career for the long term, you get this feeling that nearly everything you do everyday is somehow, well, all for the meantime. that it isn't what you would really want to do for the rest of your life.
which leads you--always--to the one great question that you and only you could ever give a shit about: if not this (or that), what then?
and after weeks, months, of ranting and raving and pondering (aloud) about it, you still haven't found an honest answer. and so you just find yourself floating. like a ghost in the 2046 train. passing through from coach to coach, but never really finding (home?) what you really want.
but what matters is what the present could offer, so you jump and jump and jump from one meantime thing to the next to survive every day.
you think you've found a key to one unopened train coach, an unexplored territory, but you haven't summoned enough guts (and discipline) to get into it for real. so you're not certain, like how you are with most things, because you haven't really tried it. but right now you want nothing more than to finally get on that coach and see for yourself. and reap the fruits of creative labor (after so many years of doing left-brain work).
nothing is certain, but it's the only seemingly new bright option at present. it's a challenge, and time is closing in on you. you have to do it now, or it's going to be another one of those lost tomorrows again.
whatever happens, though, you're slowly starting to be open to the possibility that one can derive fulfillment and happiness from other things, besides one's career. that beyond the straight line you are trying to create for yourself, there could be happiness waiting for you somewhere in the sidelines.
coming from someone who's been making her so-called career the center of her life for the past 28 years, that's somekinduva a major realization. har!
* * *
saturday, i played hooky.
pleaded a day off from the reality show taping and a project RR meeting which were to take place on the same day. my alibi was that i had another shoot. for the tv show i got a substitute for me to babysit those freaking minidv tapes. it turns out that the person referred to me who would do the job is someone i worked with in j3ffr3y j3turian's cebu movie. (ah, that cebu adventure. hanggang ngayon memories would still come flooding in at the least likely moments). you know that you're getting old in this business when you bump into a former co-worker in nearly every new project you take.
i knew that i would be needed at the project RR meeting (what would they do without a scriptgirl/secretary? malabo nang lahat mga mata nila. haha, sama ko), but i already scheduled a date with The Batman.
we had resisted joining the cinema crowds on The Dark Knight's first week run. it took a lot of discipline from me to do so (mababa ang EQ ko e). so that saturday i was decided. come hell or high water. everything else would take a backseat, kebs na kung anong maging resulta.
the taping was out of town and they left in the early morn of saturday but the meeting was to be in qc at 5pm. on my way to the MRT in cubao i bumped into two former co-workers from projectRR--one of whom was the Boss Direk's secretary. sheesh. sa dinami-dami ng pwede kong daanan sa farmer's plaza. hindi ko alam kung isusumbong nya ko, pero kebs na.
* * *
monday was a shoot for a friend's maiden directing feature. i was AD and i think i liked it, at the end of the day, kahit postdated check ang kaliwaang bayad. (m0th3r l1ly, isdatchu?). creative-wise maraming points ang hindi ako agree sa style ng direktor, pati na rin sa attitude towards the whole "Director" thingie, pero dahil friend ko sya at AD nya ko quiet na lang ako. naniniwala kasi ako na puso ang dapat pinapairal pag nagkukwento ka. hindi ka dapat maging aware sa style. i think it's not about shots or about a scene per se, but how it all fits in the bigger picture. eh medyo mahilig sya sa mga ganun.
naniniwala din ako na ang pagiging "direktor" is more about responsibility than privilege or so-called glory. kaya if you take up the role, mas mabigat ang pressure of obligation kesa sa euphoria over being called a director. not to say that i'm against people who choose to dwell on the euphoria side of it. but the "director" role is just something that scares me now. scares me, because of the obligations and responsibility attached to it. kung tatawagin ka ngang direktor pag shoot nyo pero pag lumabas ang pelikula pangit naman, sa yo din ang bwelta, sa yo din ang sisi. at pag may nangyari sa shoot mo--may nasaktan, may na-injure, etc--ikaw ang may command responsibility. kaya nakakatakot. kung magdidirek ka, siguraduhin mo na handa ka para sa lahat ng responsibilities na kakabit ng titulong "direktor". at confident ka sa written material na bubuhayin mo onscreen, dahil pangalan mo din ang nakataya (sabi nga nila, bad scripts usually don't make good films).
in fairness sa friend ko, mukhang in good shape naman sya. at mukhang confident naman sa written material. mamahalin din sya ng AD nya dahil mabilis syang magdirek. we finished the day at 2:30 am, with 20-plus sequences closed (including a rape scene and a murder scene) and one major company move. na-realize ko na as an AD, i'm mre of a lark than an owl. mas buhay ako sa araw kesa gabi, pero syempre ume-effort pa rin akong pantayin ang efficiency level mapa-araw man o gabi.
kahit as AD, may certain glamor pa rin. people would call you "direk" din kahit alam mo na sa set, isa lang talaga ang direktor. tulad din ng pagiging direktor, that certain dint of power over your jurisdiction comes with a huge bulk of responsibility. hindi lang sa pagmobilize ng shoot, kundi sa problem solving din on-set, sa pagtupad ng gusto ng creative intentions ng direktor, sa pag-lookout for the safety of everyone involved. pag may sumablay sa kahit isa man sa mga nasa D&R mo, kahit maraming factors involved, sisisihin at sisisihin mo pa din ang sarili mo, dahil command responsibility mopa rin yon.
kung as continuity supervisor line of vision ang huling challenging thing na natutunan ko, as AD siguro ang pinaka-challenging (so far, at present) ay yung pag-motivate sa artista. sa first J@de movie i left the motivating to direk and the acting coach, pero in some projects the director would at some point rely on the AD.
yung bida namin kagabi nahihirapan syang umarte at pagod na din si direk, kaya ako na yung pinatira nya. i was trying to use the only acting style that i knew on him (3ric m0rr1s). it turns out na iba pala yung acting style na ginagamit nya for the film (The Method, which i think is more cerebral than instinct-based). syempre somehow lost ako. haha.
na-realize ko din na for most actors mas magwowork ang motivation kung one-on-one kayo, pag kayo lang ang nakakarinig. kasi dati as director in my past works pag nagmo-motivate ako ng artista everyone on set hears it. in some cases it works, in some it doesn't. pero pag bulung-bulungan lang between actor and motivator, mas personal, less slef-conscious.
sa s@pi, seduction scene nung babaeng artista at nung asawa nyang nagdadasal. medyo bagets pa yung girlaloo at first time nyang gawin ang eksena of that sort. sabi ni d1rek sa kin, gusto daw nya lumabas ang sensuality nung girl. parang in effect he was throwing the ball at me (his AD). hala, eh taga-teatro kaya ang direk na to (at 3ric morr1s din ang gamit nya), kaya di ko ma-gets noon kung bakit hindi nya gawin ang motivating himself. (later i realized it's the gender thing. straight guy kasi sya). wala din naman ako masyadong alam about sensuality acting exercises (i was subjected to it once, pero sobrang na-self conscious ako).
i went up to the girl and whispered girl talk. things that only girls would know. sobrang hindi schooled at academic pero somehow it worked. approved ni direk yung eksena. parang natuwa ako, kasi kaya ko palang tumulong sa acting ng artista. and to think na girl talk lang naman yung pinagbulungan namin!
* * *
ang ganda ng The Dark Knight. between burton and nolan, i'm sure mas maraming fans ang stylized Batman movie ni Burton. but i admire nolan's depth. he chose substance over style, but was able to balance both successfully. nagagandahan ako sa gargoyles ng gotham city ni burton pero mas bilib ako sa social commentary (na hindi pilit!) ng gotham story ni nolan. it's a tale of a city, not just of one person in a bat suit.
sana ma-meet ko si nolan in person. ka-lebel na sya ni wong kar-wai sa libro ko.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
happy haggard tuesday
finally, a wrap for the m@rk herr@s indie film. a year and a half later. hehe.
our day began at 1am, pullout time. 30-plus sequences sa schedule (including a lovemaking scene, a giving birth scene, a m@rk herr@s huramentado scene) to be shot on five different locations. OA ang schedule pero gusto nilang matapos ng isang araw. suntok sa buwan on a one-cam, one-unit setup, kaya kumuha ng pangalawang unit.
naoo-OA-an din ako sa 2am calltime on set sa montalban. as a biological rule people slow down pag madaling araw. pag nagsimula ng madaling araw, sa kalagitnaan ng araw pagod na. pero yun ang utos ni direk kaya go na din ako. ambilis ng pacing namin kasi adik kaming lahat. pero by midday, nararamdaman ko na yung hapo. nung magsplit na ang unit at lumipat ako sa unit 2, bigla kaming binagyo--ulan for at least an hour--kaya nagkaroon ako ng excuse magpahinga. haha.
na-anticipate ko na magiging (hilaw na) 2nd unit director ako pero mahirap pala pag nagmamadali ka, at pag hindi mo kabisado ang eksena dahil wala kang bagong kopya ng script (kumusta naman yun!). isang eksena lang yung pinaubaya sa kin ng direktor para sa sarili kong blocking, pero feeling ko chaka-ly executed. not bad but not good either. haha, na-conscious daw o.
our last shoot was more than a year ago pa (june 2007), kaya medyo madugo ang pag-maintain ng continuity. dito ko narealize na kung hindi magiging mabusisi ang direktor (at ang mga manonood), continuity is really going to be the least of their concerns. buti na lang hindi ako ang continuity sa project na to, dahil parang magiging panira ng rep. haha.
nakakapanibago din mag-1st AD uli, dahil yung last time na nag-1st AD ako sa skwela pa (more than 6 months ago). yung mga sumunod mostly 2nd-AD and continuity work kaya nakaka-miss din. first time ko din as AD na makapag-orchestrate ng 2-unit setup-- mas mabilis talaga ang buhay, basta't planado at laging may presence of mind ang mga tao (kahit nangangarag sa oras). na-realize ko uli na kung magpo-production ako for life itong trabahong 'to talaga ang mas gusto kong karirin, dahil mas madali sya for me kesa continuity. how ironic na kung ano yung mas mahirap na trabaho yun pa yung mas underrated.
natapos kami ng 4 am kinabukasan. first shot namin was 445am the day before. so pasok kami sa 24 hour shoot, pero in totality, 26 hours mahigit ang working hours namin. nalipasan at naabutan na ko uli ng antok. haha. pero at the end of the long long day, masaya-saya naman. kasi, bukod sa kadatungan at the end of the day, pelikulang ito ang 1st AD job ko...and i'm happy na finally, tapos na sya!
:-)
pagdating ko ng bahay, alas-6 na ata ng umaga. di ko na maalala kung pano ko nakapasok ng bahay at nakarating sa kama ko. woke up at 1, had lunch, sailed away in open-eyed sleep all afternoon, got up and had dinner, fell asleep at 10pm, woke up at 3am. parang nag-recharge lang ako buong araw ng miyerkules.
may isa pala akong naalala nung dumating ako ng bahay. sinalubong ako ng pusa ko. sabi ng kapatid ko, nung wala daw ako, pabalik-balik si keanna sa kuwarto ko to. haha, na-touch naman ako dun. :-)
our day began at 1am, pullout time. 30-plus sequences sa schedule (including a lovemaking scene, a giving birth scene, a m@rk herr@s huramentado scene) to be shot on five different locations. OA ang schedule pero gusto nilang matapos ng isang araw. suntok sa buwan on a one-cam, one-unit setup, kaya kumuha ng pangalawang unit.
naoo-OA-an din ako sa 2am calltime on set sa montalban. as a biological rule people slow down pag madaling araw. pag nagsimula ng madaling araw, sa kalagitnaan ng araw pagod na. pero yun ang utos ni direk kaya go na din ako. ambilis ng pacing namin kasi adik kaming lahat. pero by midday, nararamdaman ko na yung hapo. nung magsplit na ang unit at lumipat ako sa unit 2, bigla kaming binagyo--ulan for at least an hour--kaya nagkaroon ako ng excuse magpahinga. haha.
na-anticipate ko na magiging (hilaw na) 2nd unit director ako pero mahirap pala pag nagmamadali ka, at pag hindi mo kabisado ang eksena dahil wala kang bagong kopya ng script (kumusta naman yun!). isang eksena lang yung pinaubaya sa kin ng direktor para sa sarili kong blocking, pero feeling ko chaka-ly executed. not bad but not good either. haha, na-conscious daw o.
our last shoot was more than a year ago pa (june 2007), kaya medyo madugo ang pag-maintain ng continuity. dito ko narealize na kung hindi magiging mabusisi ang direktor (at ang mga manonood), continuity is really going to be the least of their concerns. buti na lang hindi ako ang continuity sa project na to, dahil parang magiging panira ng rep. haha.
nakakapanibago din mag-1st AD uli, dahil yung last time na nag-1st AD ako sa skwela pa (more than 6 months ago). yung mga sumunod mostly 2nd-AD and continuity work kaya nakaka-miss din. first time ko din as AD na makapag-orchestrate ng 2-unit setup-- mas mabilis talaga ang buhay, basta't planado at laging may presence of mind ang mga tao (kahit nangangarag sa oras). na-realize ko uli na kung magpo-production ako for life itong trabahong 'to talaga ang mas gusto kong karirin, dahil mas madali sya for me kesa continuity. how ironic na kung ano yung mas mahirap na trabaho yun pa yung mas underrated.
natapos kami ng 4 am kinabukasan. first shot namin was 445am the day before. so pasok kami sa 24 hour shoot, pero in totality, 26 hours mahigit ang working hours namin. nalipasan at naabutan na ko uli ng antok. haha. pero at the end of the long long day, masaya-saya naman. kasi, bukod sa kadatungan at the end of the day, pelikulang ito ang 1st AD job ko...and i'm happy na finally, tapos na sya!
:-)
pagdating ko ng bahay, alas-6 na ata ng umaga. di ko na maalala kung pano ko nakapasok ng bahay at nakarating sa kama ko. woke up at 1, had lunch, sailed away in open-eyed sleep all afternoon, got up and had dinner, fell asleep at 10pm, woke up at 3am. parang nag-recharge lang ako buong araw ng miyerkules.
may isa pala akong naalala nung dumating ako ng bahay. sinalubong ako ng pusa ko. sabi ng kapatid ko, nung wala daw ako, pabalik-balik si keanna sa kuwarto ko to. haha, na-touch naman ako dun. :-)
Sunday, July 20, 2008
meantime girl
tired.
stressed myself over a lost minidv tape earlier this morning. i hate the fact that i had been stressing over nothing, because the tape was eventually found.
i hate the fact, too, that i HAD to stress over a freakin minidv tape. on the bright side, though, i was just glad the day was over.
* * *
if i had chosen differently, i would have segued to another long day from that stressful 24-hour meantime thing. there was a long long moment last night when i was weighing things. money, or performance? but i decided to forego the sunday job. magiging madugo ang araw sa tuesday at marami pang kelangang gawin. kelangang pumili, kesehoda.
sayang nga din lang. malinaw na pera at the end of the shoot. dun na lang umiikot ang meantime days ko ngayon. pera, pera...pangit.
* * *
in exchange for the lost tf, i got to sleep til afternoon today. i got to surf the net. and i'm doing homework tonight for tuesday's shoot. kung tama ang pagkakaintindi ko at tutupad sa pangako ang mga tao, yung lost tf for today, marerecover ko sa tuesday, and more. please lord, sana.
* * *
everytime makakarinig o makakabasa ko ng idealistic rants and raves from a fresh grad, parang gusto kong tumalikod at tumakbo palayo. napupurga na ko. naaalala ko ang sarili ko noon. ayoko nang maalala e. naiinis lang ako. hindi sa mga idealistic bagets kungdi sa sarili ko, sa time circumstance and fate, sa lahat ng bagay na hindi ko control, sa mga bagay na may control ako pero hindi ko nacontrol nang tama, sa opportunity and promise, sa lost tomorrows and tomorrows i used to not want to lose, sa tomorrows na hindi ko nakikita ngayon at hindi ko na iniisip.
everyone has his/her own journey, so i'll let them be. not everyone will end up as scarred and jaded as me, so i won't spoil it for them.
* * *
basta happy ako sa promise ng tf at the end of the day. daily is the name of the game, and it's the only redeeming factor in most of my workdays these days.
pero sa tuesday, iba. hindi lang pera. (although looking forward ako sa pera). gusto ko ang gagawin ko. at hindi ako magla-log ng shots o magbe-babysit ng punyetang mga minidv tapes. nasa field ako. and in a way, may feeling ako na magdidirek na din ako. kahit papano, almost.
* * *
napostpone yung saturday taping supposedly na kinukwento ko nung isang araw. sayang.
nung tinext ako about it, more of relief than panghihinayang ang first reaction ko. kasi sobrang haggard ang schedule. maraming pinapagawa sa kin within the day.
pero later on nung na-realize kong babalik na ang orig AD sa susunod na taping day nila at malamang hindi na ko masasalang, na-praning na naman ako. hindi ko alam kung postponed talaga o may humarang sa participation ko sa first tv directing venture ni King-of-Calm Direk (king of calm talaga! gusto mo yon, rekdi?). sabi nga ni waterfowl, justified man o hindi ang kapraningan ko, kebs.
pero nakakalungkot kung it turns out na justified. siguro naman hindi. siguro naman hindi ganon ang mga tao.
* * *
kaya nung sabado, balik sa dating gawi. laguna naman ang loc. pamorningan.
nainggit ako sa friends na nag-troop to ccp to watch the cinemalaya films. parang gusto kong humabol.
sa sobrang buryo ko sa set that day, i broke my promise and started smoking again.
eh 36 hours na kong tumigil a few days ago. nakaya ko naman.
na-break ang 36 hours nung nabwisit ako sa isang walang kawenta-wentang argumento with osobear. sinimulan ko na naman sa isang stick. dumating sya sa bahay, and caught me with the cigarette. i didn't expect him to arrive. i guess the cigarette was a giveaway that i was somekinda upset. haha.
and then the next day, wala. bumigay ang lola mo. paksyet. bakit ba. keber sa mga testimonies na binabasa pa ng nanay ko sa harap ko (ALOUD) about how smoking can kill you in so many excruciating ways. on that day, i needed it to survive. which is just. so. pathetic.
just. so. lame.
now i've started to quit smoking again. and counting the number of hours. parang yung device sa Hulk.
Hours after Incident: 1
sana makaya ko na this time. wag lang akong mabwisit o maburyo, dahil yun ang pinakatempting na oras para magyosi. hah. ampangit!
lord! help me! i want to live longer!
stressed myself over a lost minidv tape earlier this morning. i hate the fact that i had been stressing over nothing, because the tape was eventually found.
i hate the fact, too, that i HAD to stress over a freakin minidv tape. on the bright side, though, i was just glad the day was over.
* * *
if i had chosen differently, i would have segued to another long day from that stressful 24-hour meantime thing. there was a long long moment last night when i was weighing things. money, or performance? but i decided to forego the sunday job. magiging madugo ang araw sa tuesday at marami pang kelangang gawin. kelangang pumili, kesehoda.
sayang nga din lang. malinaw na pera at the end of the shoot. dun na lang umiikot ang meantime days ko ngayon. pera, pera...pangit.
* * *
in exchange for the lost tf, i got to sleep til afternoon today. i got to surf the net. and i'm doing homework tonight for tuesday's shoot. kung tama ang pagkakaintindi ko at tutupad sa pangako ang mga tao, yung lost tf for today, marerecover ko sa tuesday, and more. please lord, sana.
* * *
everytime makakarinig o makakabasa ko ng idealistic rants and raves from a fresh grad, parang gusto kong tumalikod at tumakbo palayo. napupurga na ko. naaalala ko ang sarili ko noon. ayoko nang maalala e. naiinis lang ako. hindi sa mga idealistic bagets kungdi sa sarili ko, sa time circumstance and fate, sa lahat ng bagay na hindi ko control, sa mga bagay na may control ako pero hindi ko nacontrol nang tama, sa opportunity and promise, sa lost tomorrows and tomorrows i used to not want to lose, sa tomorrows na hindi ko nakikita ngayon at hindi ko na iniisip.
everyone has his/her own journey, so i'll let them be. not everyone will end up as scarred and jaded as me, so i won't spoil it for them.
* * *
basta happy ako sa promise ng tf at the end of the day. daily is the name of the game, and it's the only redeeming factor in most of my workdays these days.
pero sa tuesday, iba. hindi lang pera. (although looking forward ako sa pera). gusto ko ang gagawin ko. at hindi ako magla-log ng shots o magbe-babysit ng punyetang mga minidv tapes. nasa field ako. and in a way, may feeling ako na magdidirek na din ako. kahit papano, almost.
* * *
napostpone yung saturday taping supposedly na kinukwento ko nung isang araw. sayang.
nung tinext ako about it, more of relief than panghihinayang ang first reaction ko. kasi sobrang haggard ang schedule. maraming pinapagawa sa kin within the day.
pero later on nung na-realize kong babalik na ang orig AD sa susunod na taping day nila at malamang hindi na ko masasalang, na-praning na naman ako. hindi ko alam kung postponed talaga o may humarang sa participation ko sa first tv directing venture ni King-of-Calm Direk (king of calm talaga! gusto mo yon, rekdi?). sabi nga ni waterfowl, justified man o hindi ang kapraningan ko, kebs.
pero nakakalungkot kung it turns out na justified. siguro naman hindi. siguro naman hindi ganon ang mga tao.
* * *
kaya nung sabado, balik sa dating gawi. laguna naman ang loc. pamorningan.
nainggit ako sa friends na nag-troop to ccp to watch the cinemalaya films. parang gusto kong humabol.
sa sobrang buryo ko sa set that day, i broke my promise and started smoking again.
eh 36 hours na kong tumigil a few days ago. nakaya ko naman.
na-break ang 36 hours nung nabwisit ako sa isang walang kawenta-wentang argumento with osobear. sinimulan ko na naman sa isang stick. dumating sya sa bahay, and caught me with the cigarette. i didn't expect him to arrive. i guess the cigarette was a giveaway that i was somekinda upset. haha.
and then the next day, wala. bumigay ang lola mo. paksyet. bakit ba. keber sa mga testimonies na binabasa pa ng nanay ko sa harap ko (ALOUD) about how smoking can kill you in so many excruciating ways. on that day, i needed it to survive. which is just. so. pathetic.
just. so. lame.
now i've started to quit smoking again. and counting the number of hours. parang yung device sa Hulk.
Hours after Incident: 1
sana makaya ko na this time. wag lang akong mabwisit o maburyo, dahil yun ang pinakatempting na oras para magyosi. hah. ampangit!
lord! help me! i want to live longer!
Thursday, July 17, 2008
days in the life
i was caught up in a little whirlpool these past few days. and trying to deal with a whirlpool of different emotions as well.
monday i spent all day trying to meet a self-imposed deadline. on the brink of a nervous breakdown, uttering curses aloud, blowing out air (and cigarette smoke) to unload myself of the tension. at the end of the day, i was done and all but ready to email my 3 days' worth of labor. and guess what. the freakin internet wouldn't connect me.
tuesday was taping day. spiels, boring. strangely i was at my busiest on set, as compared to those gawddang outdoor tapings, when i would hardly be on the set at all, sitting on my fanny monitoring those freakin minidvtapes. when on any other day, in any other job, i couldn't friggin care less about them. the day ended at 1 am, and my head was aching. someone was expecting an email of a revised shooting schedule for a film that's about to resume and i was running a day late. that had to wait, because...
wednesday was another taping day. outdoors in the boondocks of pililla, rizal. the place was comfy on a stormy day but i was glum. disgruntled. i loved where i was and who i was with, but i HATED what i was doing. so much, at that time, that i contemplated on resigning. even the thought of baguio couldn't do me any good. my abhorrence of those tapes outweighs everything else.
they promised me something else. something more. somehow they have not gotten around to giving it to me. and probably i'm too shy or too proud to ask again. if they meant it, they would've asked me again about it by now.
i was thinking of a good excuse to get out. the (ex)favorite Direk's movie was grinding soon. that would do. later that night i got a message telling me that the shoot for july has been postponed. so there. sign ba yun ni lord? should i stay or should i go? there are other options, but they're not concrete at this point. hoping high, but for now the present matters. and money matters as well.
in the middle of the night i learned about the demise of Manong. i was shocked. akala ko ok na sya, akala ko recovering na. yun pala nag-cardiac arrest uli, and this time around he never came back again. i was sad. love ko si manong, kahit may mga tantrums sya. love ko sya kasi as a director, alam nya ang ginagawa nya. as a person, he's actually endearing. sad din ako, kasi i hate it when someone i know dies.
my cellphone took another (literal) fall that night as well. mukhang susunod na rin sya kay Manong. deadbatt ako all night, and the phone was chipped in the hinge.
3 am, packup time. i still had that shooting schedule to deal with when i get home. got home at 6, did the breakdown, but the friggin internet wouldn't cooperate again. so i slept muna. woke up at 10 am to a phone call from the direk asking me (for the Nth time) about the freakin breakdown. kulang pa ang 4 hours na tulog sa kin pero no choice. finally, inemail ko na.
i was to have a meeting today. but a phone talk changed my plans.
there's something new. a challenge. a first. and i'm apprehensive and hopeful about it at the same time. this was what i wanted right? not the freakin minidv tapes. so now God has granted one of my prayers. i just need to overcome the negative feelings and do the best that i can on saturday.
now i'm waiting for download manager. cause i was emailed a file that needs to be opened with a program that isn't in my hard drive. eh magmimeeting kami mamayang 5pm nung direk. i have to come up with a breakdown by then, and it's freakin 2 pm!
natetense na naman ako, pucha. ano ba tong ambagal na download manager na to.
di ako aabot sa 5 pm. i'll have to tell him. put*ng i*a!!!!
monday i spent all day trying to meet a self-imposed deadline. on the brink of a nervous breakdown, uttering curses aloud, blowing out air (and cigarette smoke) to unload myself of the tension. at the end of the day, i was done and all but ready to email my 3 days' worth of labor. and guess what. the freakin internet wouldn't connect me.
tuesday was taping day. spiels, boring. strangely i was at my busiest on set, as compared to those gawddang outdoor tapings, when i would hardly be on the set at all, sitting on my fanny monitoring those freakin minidvtapes. when on any other day, in any other job, i couldn't friggin care less about them. the day ended at 1 am, and my head was aching. someone was expecting an email of a revised shooting schedule for a film that's about to resume and i was running a day late. that had to wait, because...
wednesday was another taping day. outdoors in the boondocks of pililla, rizal. the place was comfy on a stormy day but i was glum. disgruntled. i loved where i was and who i was with, but i HATED what i was doing. so much, at that time, that i contemplated on resigning. even the thought of baguio couldn't do me any good. my abhorrence of those tapes outweighs everything else.
they promised me something else. something more. somehow they have not gotten around to giving it to me. and probably i'm too shy or too proud to ask again. if they meant it, they would've asked me again about it by now.
i was thinking of a good excuse to get out. the (ex)favorite Direk's movie was grinding soon. that would do. later that night i got a message telling me that the shoot for july has been postponed. so there. sign ba yun ni lord? should i stay or should i go? there are other options, but they're not concrete at this point. hoping high, but for now the present matters. and money matters as well.
in the middle of the night i learned about the demise of Manong. i was shocked. akala ko ok na sya, akala ko recovering na. yun pala nag-cardiac arrest uli, and this time around he never came back again. i was sad. love ko si manong, kahit may mga tantrums sya. love ko sya kasi as a director, alam nya ang ginagawa nya. as a person, he's actually endearing. sad din ako, kasi i hate it when someone i know dies.
my cellphone took another (literal) fall that night as well. mukhang susunod na rin sya kay Manong. deadbatt ako all night, and the phone was chipped in the hinge.
3 am, packup time. i still had that shooting schedule to deal with when i get home. got home at 6, did the breakdown, but the friggin internet wouldn't cooperate again. so i slept muna. woke up at 10 am to a phone call from the direk asking me (for the Nth time) about the freakin breakdown. kulang pa ang 4 hours na tulog sa kin pero no choice. finally, inemail ko na.
i was to have a meeting today. but a phone talk changed my plans.
there's something new. a challenge. a first. and i'm apprehensive and hopeful about it at the same time. this was what i wanted right? not the freakin minidv tapes. so now God has granted one of my prayers. i just need to overcome the negative feelings and do the best that i can on saturday.
now i'm waiting for download manager. cause i was emailed a file that needs to be opened with a program that isn't in my hard drive. eh magmimeeting kami mamayang 5pm nung direk. i have to come up with a breakdown by then, and it's freakin 2 pm!
natetense na naman ako, pucha. ano ba tong ambagal na download manager na to.
di ako aabot sa 5 pm. i'll have to tell him. put*ng i*a!!!!
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