sometimes being busy isn't synonymous with being productive. it depends on what being "productive" means to you.
if productivity means money, you barely pass the mark. but at least you haven't failed. so far, knock on wood. but if it's a career for the long term, you get this feeling that nearly everything you do everyday is somehow, well, all for the meantime. that it isn't what you would really want to do for the rest of your life.
which leads you--always--to the one great question that you and only you could ever give a shit about: if not this (or that), what then?
and after weeks, months, of ranting and raving and pondering (aloud) about it, you still haven't found an honest answer. and so you just find yourself floating. like a ghost in the 2046 train. passing through from coach to coach, but never really finding (home?) what you really want.
but what matters is what the present could offer, so you jump and jump and jump from one meantime thing to the next to survive every day.
you think you've found a key to one unopened train coach, an unexplored territory, but you haven't summoned enough guts (and discipline) to get into it for real. so you're not certain, like how you are with most things, because you haven't really tried it. but right now you want nothing more than to finally get on that coach and see for yourself. and reap the fruits of creative labor (after so many years of doing left-brain work).
nothing is certain, but it's the only seemingly new bright option at present. it's a challenge, and time is closing in on you. you have to do it now, or it's going to be another one of those lost tomorrows again.
whatever happens, though, you're slowly starting to be open to the possibility that one can derive fulfillment and happiness from other things, besides one's career. that beyond the straight line you are trying to create for yourself, there could be happiness waiting for you somewhere in the sidelines.
coming from someone who's been making her so-called career the center of her life for the past 28 years, that's somekinduva a major realization. har!
* * *
saturday, i played hooky.
pleaded a day off from the reality show taping and a project RR meeting which were to take place on the same day. my alibi was that i had another shoot. for the tv show i got a substitute for me to babysit those freaking minidv tapes. it turns out that the person referred to me who would do the job is someone i worked with in j3ffr3y j3turian's cebu movie. (ah, that cebu adventure. hanggang ngayon memories would still come flooding in at the least likely moments). you know that you're getting old in this business when you bump into a former co-worker in nearly every new project you take.
i knew that i would be needed at the project RR meeting (what would they do without a scriptgirl/secretary? malabo nang lahat mga mata nila. haha, sama ko), but i already scheduled a date with The Batman.
we had resisted joining the cinema crowds on The Dark Knight's first week run. it took a lot of discipline from me to do so (mababa ang EQ ko e). so that saturday i was decided. come hell or high water. everything else would take a backseat, kebs na kung anong maging resulta.
the taping was out of town and they left in the early morn of saturday but the meeting was to be in qc at 5pm. on my way to the MRT in cubao i bumped into two former co-workers from projectRR--one of whom was the Boss Direk's secretary. sheesh. sa dinami-dami ng pwede kong daanan sa farmer's plaza. hindi ko alam kung isusumbong nya ko, pero kebs na.
* * *
monday was a shoot for a friend's maiden directing feature. i was AD and i think i liked it, at the end of the day, kahit postdated check ang kaliwaang bayad. (m0th3r l1ly, isdatchu?). creative-wise maraming points ang hindi ako agree sa style ng direktor, pati na rin sa attitude towards the whole "Director" thingie, pero dahil friend ko sya at AD nya ko quiet na lang ako. naniniwala kasi ako na puso ang dapat pinapairal pag nagkukwento ka. hindi ka dapat maging aware sa style. i think it's not about shots or about a scene per se, but how it all fits in the bigger picture. eh medyo mahilig sya sa mga ganun.
naniniwala din ako na ang pagiging "direktor" is more about responsibility than privilege or so-called glory. kaya if you take up the role, mas mabigat ang pressure of obligation kesa sa euphoria over being called a director. not to say that i'm against people who choose to dwell on the euphoria side of it. but the "director" role is just something that scares me now. scares me, because of the obligations and responsibility attached to it. kung tatawagin ka ngang direktor pag shoot nyo pero pag lumabas ang pelikula pangit naman, sa yo din ang bwelta, sa yo din ang sisi. at pag may nangyari sa shoot mo--may nasaktan, may na-injure, etc--ikaw ang may command responsibility. kaya nakakatakot. kung magdidirek ka, siguraduhin mo na handa ka para sa lahat ng responsibilities na kakabit ng titulong "direktor". at confident ka sa written material na bubuhayin mo onscreen, dahil pangalan mo din ang nakataya (sabi nga nila, bad scripts usually don't make good films).
in fairness sa friend ko, mukhang in good shape naman sya. at mukhang confident naman sa written material. mamahalin din sya ng AD nya dahil mabilis syang magdirek. we finished the day at 2:30 am, with 20-plus sequences closed (including a rape scene and a murder scene) and one major company move. na-realize ko na as an AD, i'm mre of a lark than an owl. mas buhay ako sa araw kesa gabi, pero syempre ume-effort pa rin akong pantayin ang efficiency level mapa-araw man o gabi.
kahit as AD, may certain glamor pa rin. people would call you "direk" din kahit alam mo na sa set, isa lang talaga ang direktor. tulad din ng pagiging direktor, that certain dint of power over your jurisdiction comes with a huge bulk of responsibility. hindi lang sa pagmobilize ng shoot, kundi sa problem solving din on-set, sa pagtupad ng gusto ng creative intentions ng direktor, sa pag-lookout for the safety of everyone involved. pag may sumablay sa kahit isa man sa mga nasa D&R mo, kahit maraming factors involved, sisisihin at sisisihin mo pa din ang sarili mo, dahil command responsibility mopa rin yon.
kung as continuity supervisor line of vision ang huling challenging thing na natutunan ko, as AD siguro ang pinaka-challenging (so far, at present) ay yung pag-motivate sa artista. sa first J@de movie i left the motivating to direk and the acting coach, pero in some projects the director would at some point rely on the AD.
yung bida namin kagabi nahihirapan syang umarte at pagod na din si direk, kaya ako na yung pinatira nya. i was trying to use the only acting style that i knew on him (3ric m0rr1s). it turns out na iba pala yung acting style na ginagamit nya for the film (The Method, which i think is more cerebral than instinct-based). syempre somehow lost ako. haha.
na-realize ko din na for most actors mas magwowork ang motivation kung one-on-one kayo, pag kayo lang ang nakakarinig. kasi dati as director in my past works pag nagmo-motivate ako ng artista everyone on set hears it. in some cases it works, in some it doesn't. pero pag bulung-bulungan lang between actor and motivator, mas personal, less slef-conscious.
sa s@pi, seduction scene nung babaeng artista at nung asawa nyang nagdadasal. medyo bagets pa yung girlaloo at first time nyang gawin ang eksena of that sort. sabi ni d1rek sa kin, gusto daw nya lumabas ang sensuality nung girl. parang in effect he was throwing the ball at me (his AD). hala, eh taga-teatro kaya ang direk na to (at 3ric morr1s din ang gamit nya), kaya di ko ma-gets noon kung bakit hindi nya gawin ang motivating himself. (later i realized it's the gender thing. straight guy kasi sya). wala din naman ako masyadong alam about sensuality acting exercises (i was subjected to it once, pero sobrang na-self conscious ako).
i went up to the girl and whispered girl talk. things that only girls would know. sobrang hindi schooled at academic pero somehow it worked. approved ni direk yung eksena. parang natuwa ako, kasi kaya ko palang tumulong sa acting ng artista. and to think na girl talk lang naman yung pinagbulungan namin!
* * *
ang ganda ng The Dark Knight. between burton and nolan, i'm sure mas maraming fans ang stylized Batman movie ni Burton. but i admire nolan's depth. he chose substance over style, but was able to balance both successfully. nagagandahan ako sa gargoyles ng gotham city ni burton pero mas bilib ako sa social commentary (na hindi pilit!) ng gotham story ni nolan. it's a tale of a city, not just of one person in a bat suit.
sana ma-meet ko si nolan in person. ka-lebel na sya ni wong kar-wai sa libro ko.
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