meantime girl

tired.

stressed myself over a lost minidv tape earlier this morning. i hate the fact that i had been stressing over nothing, because the tape was eventually found.

i hate the fact, too, that i HAD to stress over a freakin minidv tape. on the bright side, though, i was just glad the day was over.

* * *

if i had chosen differently, i would have segued to another long day from that stressful 24-hour meantime thing. there was a long long moment last night when i was weighing things. money, or performance? but i decided to forego the sunday job. magiging madugo ang araw sa tuesday at marami pang kelangang gawin. kelangang pumili, kesehoda.

sayang nga din lang. malinaw na pera at the end of the shoot. dun na lang umiikot ang meantime days ko ngayon. pera, pera...pangit.

* * *

in exchange for the lost tf, i got to sleep til afternoon today. i got to surf the net. and i'm doing homework tonight for tuesday's shoot. kung tama ang pagkakaintindi ko at tutupad sa pangako ang mga tao, yung lost tf for today, marerecover ko sa tuesday, and more. please lord, sana.

* * *

everytime makakarinig o makakabasa ko ng idealistic rants and raves from a fresh grad, parang gusto kong tumalikod at tumakbo palayo. napupurga na ko. naaalala ko ang sarili ko noon. ayoko nang maalala e. naiinis lang ako. hindi sa mga idealistic bagets kungdi sa sarili ko, sa time circumstance and fate, sa lahat ng bagay na hindi ko control, sa mga bagay na may control ako pero hindi ko nacontrol nang tama, sa opportunity and promise, sa lost tomorrows and tomorrows i used to not want to lose, sa tomorrows na hindi ko nakikita ngayon at hindi ko na iniisip.

everyone has his/her own journey, so i'll let them be. not everyone will end up as scarred and jaded as me, so i won't spoil it for them.

* * *

basta happy ako sa promise ng tf at the end of the day. daily is the name of the game, and it's the only redeeming factor in most of my workdays these days.

pero sa tuesday, iba. hindi lang pera. (although looking forward ako sa pera). gusto ko ang gagawin ko. at hindi ako magla-log ng shots o magbe-babysit ng punyetang mga minidv tapes. nasa field ako. and in a way, may feeling ako na magdidirek na din ako. kahit papano, almost.

* * *

napostpone yung saturday taping supposedly na kinukwento ko nung isang araw. sayang.

nung tinext ako about it, more of relief than panghihinayang ang first reaction ko. kasi sobrang haggard ang schedule. maraming pinapagawa sa kin within the day.

pero later on nung na-realize kong babalik na ang orig AD sa susunod na taping day nila at malamang hindi na ko masasalang, na-praning na naman ako. hindi ko alam kung postponed talaga o may humarang sa participation ko sa first tv directing venture ni King-of-Calm Direk (king of calm talaga! gusto mo yon, rekdi?). sabi nga ni waterfowl, justified man o hindi ang kapraningan ko, kebs.

pero nakakalungkot kung it turns out na justified. siguro naman hindi. siguro naman hindi ganon ang mga tao.

* * *

kaya nung sabado, balik sa dating gawi. laguna naman ang loc. pamorningan.
nainggit ako sa friends na nag-troop to ccp to watch the cinemalaya films. parang gusto kong humabol.
sa sobrang buryo ko sa set that day, i broke my promise and started smoking again.
eh 36 hours na kong tumigil a few days ago. nakaya ko naman.

na-break ang 36 hours nung nabwisit ako sa isang walang kawenta-wentang argumento with osobear. sinimulan ko na naman sa isang stick. dumating sya sa bahay, and caught me with the cigarette. i didn't expect him to arrive. i guess the cigarette was a giveaway that i was somekinda upset. haha.

and then the next day, wala. bumigay ang lola mo. paksyet. bakit ba. keber sa mga testimonies na binabasa pa ng nanay ko sa harap ko (ALOUD) about how smoking can kill you in so many excruciating ways. on that day, i needed it to survive. which is just. so. pathetic.

just. so. lame.

now i've started to quit smoking again. and counting the number of hours. parang yung device sa Hulk.

Hours after Incident: 1

sana makaya ko na this time. wag lang akong mabwisit o maburyo, dahil yun ang pinakatempting na oras para magyosi. hah. ampangit!

lord! help me! i want to live longer!