mundane night

splittin' headache night.
drowned out by TTDs. two kinda urgent assistant-directing class projects to do something about, and then some. a script to finish reading in time for the Comedian-Child Star shoot this tuesday.
and above all this--i know i shouldn't think about it yet, but still--my impending shoot on december 29.

and so it's only half past twelve but my head is craving for lights-out already. paperwork, reading assignment, blah blah blah.

tomorrow is another day. thank god.

* * *

day 4 na tomorrow. i'm counting days again, and it's not a healthy sign. remember what you were before you started counting 'em like sheep over the fence. you will only get bored. and exasperated. and get yourself in that ugly i-can't-wait-and-i-hate-myself kinda rut again.

* * *

i'm reminded of an ex-crush: E, my assistant director in the Cebu movie. my "Sayang Ka Sister" Awardee for 2004. my gaydar had twitched wildly on first meeting but i'd chosen to ignore it. now he's got pictures of him and another guy on his fwendster album. yihee. i knew i'd been right. of course the gaydar had been right. pero ang guwapo ngayon ng bakla. bwiset. haha.

tonight he messaged me. andami ko daw raket, manlibre daw ako. haha. parang gusto ko tuloy syang utangan. at sinabi ko talaga yon: psst sister pajutang naman o. pa-joke, syempre.

* * *

next week i'm seeing FG again, after around 6 months. may jowa na raw uli ang loley. isa pa rin to sa mga iniyakan ko talaga noon. ang guwapo din kasi. haha. guwapo na may salamin na tahimik na mukhang mapagkakatiwalaan. pero eventually narealize ko din na mas mahilig pa syang magtaas ng kilay kesa sa akin. at pareho kami ng cheek tint na ginagamit. nyaha.

* * *

hay. mundane. my comfort zone. always been afraid to leave it. and so i stick to the mundane, because they are easier to deal with. because not going beyond the day-to-day preoccupations, using work as an excuse, i am somehow assured that i am getting things done, that i am getting somewhere, somehow. maybe, but not to the There that i really want to be. to admit to myself that i'd been fooling myself all along took some courage, but to do something about passiveness and unproducivity will take much more than courage.

what, then? don't know. i just know that i'll always have it in my heart to want to jump on that train someday. but intention is a whole lifetime away from action.

* * *

i just realized something. maybe three, four months ago. gusto ko ng pera sa pasko. maraming, maraming pera.