two days before a deadline

and it's so nice to be home.
the past three days were just a prelude. today, as one co-worker said, the real work begins.

it's always like this. you know that what you'll be working on WILL be changed in the final draft. it's just a matter of whether it's going to be a minor or a major revision, but for sure it will be changed. the ones up there will have the final say, at dahil wala sila sa brainstorm, brace yourself. kaya for the meantime, gawin natin ang napag-usapan.

kaya gusto kong maging active sa preludes, dahil kung sakaling hindi ko na makikilala ang trabaho ko in the final cut, at least nakapag-contribute ako nang butil butil sa usapan. at least masasabi kong nagtrabaho talaga ako, at nagma-matter naman siya kahit papano in the grand scheme of things.

pero minsan mahirap. maraming factors na kailangang isipin.
siguro ganito na lang. kung ganito na ang direksyon, sundin. lamanan. keber na sa externals. basta alam mo, deep in your heart, na nagtrabaho ka. na hindi ka nagkulang. kasi in the end, there's only one party to please anyway. keber na sa kahit ano.

* * *

na-realize ko yet again na ang laking factor ng pinagdaanan mo ng hayskul sa paghubog ng pagkatao mo. socially, at least. kung paano ka magre-react sa mga bagay bagay. pag hindi maganda ang naging experience mo nung hayskul, lalabas at lalabas ang kargang yon sa present life mo, given the right stimulus.

kaya siguro ang lakas ng drive ko to express my individuality nung college. because highschool life was pakinanginangsyet for the most part. fourth year na lang talaga ako nagkaroon ng sense of self.

tapos, after college, tinuruan ako ng buhay to balance the scales. from one pole to another then to the middle ground. but the scales will not be balanced all the time. minsan nagsu-switch ako from one pole to another, which upsets my equilibrium. which, i suppose, is the reason why pakinanginangsyet moments come every now and then. pero ang sasabihin ng sensible, rational side ko, go back to what is expected of you. go back to what you are, at the core. dun ka lang makakahanap ng strength. dun ka lang magiging matibay. pag kilala mo ang sarili mo.

* * *

hindi ko pala nabanggit. two weeks ago, nanganak na ang pusa kong si keanna.
isa lang, tatlo ang kulay, mukhang pusakal. mana sa tatay. o tatays.
but it's a bouncing healthy baby cat. ang unica/unico ng anak ko. (di ko pa alam kung girl sya o boy, it's hard to tell when they're still small.

* * *

maybe i should sleep first. or coffee my lethargy away.
simulan ko na dapat para hindi maghapit.
yun ang ideal.

* * *

i miss you like how a crying little girl misses her stuffed bear. waaah.
sabi mo, tahan na.
sabi ko, hikbi...hikbi..hikbi...
i find it funny that you treat me like a little girl.
waaah. miss na talaga kita.