...no, scratch that. because in '08, i was depressed for very plausible reasons. but these past few days, i couldn't find a reason for this gripping, almost crippling feeling. and i feel helpless about it. maybe it's biochemical. all i know is i'm just sad and feeling low these past few days, and i can't help it. i can't even do anything about it.
ilang umaga nang masama ang gising ko. madaling uminit ulo ko. i'm a sensitive nerve. my patience easily runs short. and when on normal days i am more or less able to deal with stress in positive, productive ways, these days i just sleep on it. either that, or i freeze. stare into space. i sit on the things that need to be done. i'm wrapped in a cloak of gloom, and i behave passively, catatonically, counterproductively.
ngayon may concept paper akong deadline later tonight. pero natulog lang ako. ni ayaw kong maligo. wala kong ganang gumawa ng kahit ano. there must be a reason. or a handful of reasons. and i need to dredge these out of me, para ma-address at ma-process ko nang tama.
* * *
i hate keanna's babies. gumising ako kahapon ng umaga, at talagang nasira ang umaga ko. dahil dalawang PUSAKAL na kuting ang bumulaga sa akin. when i was expecting na siamese ang lalabas dahil pinakasta ko pa sa siamese tomcat (and that cost me P1000). kaya bad trip talaga ko. na-disappoint ako kay keanna. at galit na galit ako sa BUWISIT na pusakal ng lalakeng nakauna na naman sa kanya. BUWISIT TALAGA! grrr!
* * *
i'm addicted to bejeweled blitz. and it's becoming a threat to my normal life.
how do you deal with depression? you smoke. you take a bath. you write FOR YOURSELF, above all. you shove your irrational feelings at the back of your mind. you think of happy thoughts. and lastly, you play bejeweled blitz. so how's that for a convenient excuse?
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