slumps

and i'm experiencing the slumps.

january 12, according to the stars, is supposed to be a bright, happy day. well, hindi naman ako binigo. there IS one thing to be happy about, and it was The Call.

happy about that, but i guess this depression is of the biochemical kind. levels of the happy hormones running low inside my brain. not supposed to be, the stars say. but at some point i did wonder if the stars could actually predict the day you will die. i wonder what a former classmate's horoscope read for this month. will it show in your horoscope if you're destined to kick the dust?

morbid shmorbid. not supposed to be that way. but i HATE it, absolutely HATE the feeling, when someone i know dies. that college classmate of mine was the most alive of 'em all. and then one day i visited his fb wall and all i could see were RIPs. it depressed me. sobra. what a way to learn the bad news. hindi naman kami close, at kahit at some point in my life naging crush ko siya, all that are just memories now. but i just feel so sad that he died so early. and so suddenly.

we are all so fragile. it depresses me to be reminded of that again. but i had two days to feel bad over it. i don't want to feel bad about it anymore. mas gusto ko na lang isipin na he's in a good place now, cliche as that sounds. pero totoo, alam ko, na nasa langit na siya, dahil sa pagkakakilala ko sa kanya noon, mabait siyang tao. mabuti, mabait. laging may joke. laging masaya. walang masamang tinapay sa kanya. lagi siyang nakatawa.

the feelings are just memories now. but for the heck of it, ikukwento ko na rin. i remember the first time i met him. accidentally sitting beside him in the dark cozy auditorium during STS class. getting to talk to him for the first time, i was instantly attracted to him. the guy had a charm that was all his own, and he probably didn't even know he had it. and that unassuming, unknowing quality to him was part of that charm. eventually we became groupmates for the sem-long report, got to know him better. and i knew that i wasn't wrong with my first impression. he was very nice. very happy. a gentleman with the good-natured innocence of a boy.

later on in the sem i heard from our other groupmates that he'd said he had a crush on me. and that knowledge changed my behavior towards him. my worst side showed, and nobody knew it, nobody knew why, least of all him. soon the beans were spilled, and he learned too that i had a crush on him, but it was too late. he was already in love with someone else. and i was graduating from college by then, so goodbye to all that.

all that, just memories. he was just one of those former acquaintances with whom my only contact was thru fb. never thought that he'd be gone so soon. he was just so alive.

a groupmate of ours posted our picture of our reporting group. bigla kong naalala yung report na ginawa namin. we were a happy team, from different colleges with different courses. masaya talaga kami. instead of a powerpoint report, we did a videospoof of movies instead. being the film student, i directed it. we spoofed the matrix. he was "neo". i remember how he used to hate it whenever he'd see himself in "neo" costume, juxtaposed against the real neo (keanu reeves). ampanget daw niya. syempre at that time tahimik ko na lang siyang sinasabihan na hindi, ang cute mo nga e. pero syempre, tahimik lang, sa loob lang ng utak ko. haha.

that was just a riot. making that video. naging close kaming lahat. natutulog kami sa bahay ng ka-groupmates namin. long after i've "recovered" from the shock brought by his sudden death, yung memories na lang na yon ang maiisip ko. we were just...happy. young, and happy. who would've known one of us wouldn't even reach 30.

napaisip ako sa sarili kong mortality. who knows, maybe i wouldn't reach 30 as well. it's a scary thought. and i so BADLY pray to god na sana bigyan nya ako ng mahabang buhay. death has never scared me this much, ever. kung nung 20,21 years old ako nagshu-shoot pa ako ng mga bangkay sa morgue (for a docu), ngayon ni lingunin ang funeraria na madadaanan ko halos ayaw kong gawin. i don't know why i've changed this much. siguro dala na rin ng pagtanda. when you're young you think you're immortal. you reach a certain age, go through many certain experiences, and you slowly realize that you can die. right now, right here, if god wants you to, you can friggin drop dead. and you realize you're actually scared.

kung mabuti kang tao, sabi nila, di ka naman dapat matakot. sa tingin ko naman mabuti akong tao. pero bakit ako takot? ewan. maybe i'm more scared of the actual experience of dying, those last breathing moments, than anything else. yung moment na nararamdaman mong...wala na. mawawala ka na. siguro nakakatakot yon. kaya nga siguro swerte na rin yung former classmate ko. he died peacefully, in his sleep. gusto ko pang mabuhay nang matagal, pero kung papipiliin ako, i'd rather choose to exit in that manner. painless, unconscious. magugulat na lang ako, lumulutang na ako. at may bright light na humihila sa akin papalapit.

hindi ko rin alam kung ano ang mas masakit. yung maiwan ng mahal mo sa buhay, o ikaw ang maunang mang-iwan.

ang morbid ko naman. tama na nga! lord, please grant me, my family, and friends long healthy lives. please. kasi, otherwise, hindi ko yata kakayanin. ;-(

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postprod for the AVP rackets ongoing. thank god for friends, for the kindness of friends, for the trust and confidence of friends, for the goodwill of friends. at least kahit in between writing paychecks ako for the month of february, may moolah pa rin, thanks to a friend who recommended me for this project. love you ruel.

by january 22, all must be in. sana. please.

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wanting to go out of town by first week february. syempre hindi makakasama si boso. pero okay lang. nasanay na ako this past week na gumawa ng gimik na lakad without him. selfishly speaking, i wouldn't want him to take on that celebrity role anymore, lalo lang siyang naging busy and unavailable. but despite my selfishness, i'm still happy for him. and proud of him. that he successfully hacked his way through that one week. and caused quite a stir. haha.

pagudpud, part two. why not? i deserve a vacation. i owe it to myself. haha! i-budget lang nang tama, pasok na sa banga.

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obsessed with finances. making and saving money. raising my monthly quotas. wanting so badly to stabilize myself further. so many things i'd want to have, but savings have to come first.

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need to lose weight. hay. hay. HAAY.

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meeting tomorrow at 2pm. editing in the evening.
thursday, editing for the other video.
friday, presentation to client. hopefully, avatar by then.