remote-control fishes

i dreamed of fishes. real live fishes. it was a place like manila ocean park where you can remote-control the fishes into eating the smaller fishes, but be careful because the bigger fishes can eat you, too. you have to pay a certain amount to play the game, and i have bought two tickets for me and my brother.

i was in a room. like a bedroom. i looked around and saw that my brother wasn't around; i thought, sayang naman yung extra ticket. then i played the game. and i was on "i have to win" mode. remote-controlling my fish in hotly pursuing the last remaining smaller fish, while eluding the bigger ones.


* * *

i woke up this afternoon hung over after a night of fairly nice partying. got drunk last night, first time in a while, on absolut and san mig light and cranberry juice. sometimes i love getting drunk. it releases me from my inhibitions. takes off my shyness. and everyone becomes approachable. everyone becomes a friend to hug.

i was with my fellow writers. it was a production party, really, but we were also invited. and the stars were there. the perks of the job, dancing the night away, drunk and happy, mingling with the stars like they were ordinary people. haha.

feeling ko naman hindi ako nagwala o nagkalat. haha. i didn't even vomit at all. and i was bold. bold enough to tell gabby, up front, that each time i'd write i'd find his character so complex and interesting and challenging to flesh out.

they say that when you're drunk your senses blur out. but in my case last night, i think my senses were even heightened. i could SENSE things that i normally wouldn't if i were sober. because i was an observer. un-self-conscious. less aware of my sticking-out-like-a-sore-thumb self, more aware of other people. every nuance, every gesture---eyes darting around, fingers texting someone furtively, coldness, warmth.

* * *

i'm glad the finale got positive results. it could've been so much better, in my book. but given the constraints of the production people, maybe that was more than good enough. i'm just glad that they liked it, and glad that our headwriter's idea for the last scene turned out to be a hit. my gas. another lesson learned. sometimes outrageous ideas could actually be unpredictably brilliant.

* * *

swimming in my head. i've been sleepy ALL day. not knowing what to do. not having the energy to go and do what i think need to be done. help me, lord. our baby project is now done. give me something new to live for now.