the stress started wednesday and will end today.

WEDNESDAY.
early part of wednesday was somekinda sad. i don't know why. maybe because of the palpitating heart. maybe it was the heat, and having to walk to the bank from the company building in a dress for all to see, under a semi-blistering sun (hindi ako sanay maglakad mag-isa ng naka-dress. weirdly, i feel naked). during the brainstorm meeting i'd felt that i was mentally facing a blank wall most of the time. week 14 is so damn hard for a palpitating heart.

i've always hated making tambay at the neighborhood istarbaks when i'm not with friends or the writing team. there are always too many bigwig people there. i feel diminutive. literally, and else. but that afternoon in the company of non-smokers, i had to smoke outside alone, and people just kept passing by. for some reason, parang nasa takot-sa-tao mode ako. ayokong mag-hi or hello, either out of shyness or fear of coming out as awkward.

naisip ko, later that night i would have to deal with more stuff like this at the grandmama's party. kaya ayoko nang pumunta. pero hindi nga kami nag-brainstorm that night para lang makapunta, nakakahiya namang hindi pumunta. kaya pumunta na lang ako with everyone else.

nasilaw ako sa sobrang pagkastar-studded ng party na yon. i was a wallflower in the company of wallflowers at the Anti-Social table, at ilang beses na ngang dumaan si grandmama para sabihan kami na "makihalubilo naman", at may isang flamboyant gay dude from the unit's promo dept na may "prayer meeting" sa table namin. haha. it felt comforting, to have recluses for company. i felt normal.

high-profile parties, hate 'em. hindi pa nga daw high-profile ang party na iyon ni grandmama, unlike his past ones. pero just the same, the guest list was littered with glittering names. kulang na lang mag-show up sina brad pitt at angelina jolie.

feeling ko talaga hindi ko cup of tea ang showbiz, pero di ko alam kung bakit sobrang flattered ako nang lumapit sa kin at bumeso sina z2njoe, vh0ng, at j@son abal0s. flattered, dahil naaalala pa nila ko. at dahil sikat sila. haha. ayoko sa showbiz pero di ba may pagka-showbiz din yung reaction kong iyon!?

di naman ako nasa-starstruck nang ganito nung nasa productin ako. siguro kasi dahil katrabaho ko ang mga artista. pero sa trabaho ngayon, perks of the job ang ma-meet ang artista. kaya siguro nasa-starstruck ako. or something.

we left the party at around 2 and went straight to a funeral. yup, from party to funeral, on that same night. the father of a writer died so we dropped by to pay our last respects.

tapos nagmidnight snack kami sa isang pizza place para "magpagpag". got home at 4, with a huge headache.

on the way home may pinabaon sa akin ang boss ko that was the perfect nightcap. nothing tangible, just words. just enough for me to want to go on, and keep on til i'm there.

THURSDAY.

lockin. was hyper til 12 then the energy just plunged down til the wee hours of dawn. may lagnat, masakit ulo.

realization of the day: i really should just live and let live.

another nugget was dropped on my lap by my boss. i love her. i don't know if she meant to do it, or even if she meant to do it, i don't know if i can pull it through. cowardly, un-self-confident me. pero bahala na.

was home by 630 am.

FRIDAY.

deadline this monday. wanted to go to cabanatuan but i realized that my script will need some serious attention this time. so i just viewed all the student film entries that the Dep Ed film festival in cabanatuan had sent me. today ko lang binuksan yung LBS bag and was surprised to know na more than fifteen short films pala ang dapat kong panoorin. taenie. so sinimulan ko ng alas-3 at hindi ako tumigil til 3 am. WHEW.

realization of the day: i really should just forget that some people exist when i'm not around them so that i won't miss them at all.

big fat HMPF.

tomorrow i'm off to the mall. will be pinching some chubby boy's cheeks.





FRIDAY.

stress wednesday?

sana naman wag. dapat ngayon naliligo na ako for the 3pm meeting. pero adik e. pagkatapos ng meeting, may party. kakainis na may meeting pa before the party, pero ganun talaga e. first time ko pa namang umattend na birthday party ng bagong grandmama ko. bongga daw ang mga parties nya, the stuff of legend.

reclusive mode still on. i'd really much rather stay home tonight. kaso paminsan-minsan lang magkaroon ng pagkakataong lumabas and to live life. most of the time cyber-world, bahay, at bahay ng headwriter ko lang ang mundo ko. malay ko, magiging masaya pala mamaya. may something i can write about, soon or someday.

nagpa-palpitate ako. magde-dress daw kami for the party tonight. i need to pluck my legs. i'm so late. and so inane. hay.

a big F*** Y*** to all that.

you have no other audience but you-know-who. everything else is just in the periphery, so to hell with all that.

* * *

another day, another lock-in. it's that time of the week. as i write i'm running later than usual. scripting over the weekend, a trip out of town to squeeze in between. sigh. lord help me with schedules. i miss giving a long long hug to my bosobear.

* * *

damn. i used to think i have a taste for showbiz but last night changed all that. i've realized that i ACTUALLY HATE showbiz and i am built for the reclusive, anti-social life of a person who writes. there are moments when i just wish i could be invisible.

* * *

peacocks are for the zoo. so don't join the zoo. be careful what you are contemptuous of, you just might become them. in the long run. NO.

* * *

i saw astroboy. i don't like the movie but i like the character astroboy. i want to have a son like him someday.

* * *

I NEED TO LOSE F***N WEIGHT. I'M LUMPY ALL OVER. ARGH!

downtime...

...and i have a feeling that in a matter of two or three days, it's about to end. oh, i couldn't be happier about that. rest days are fine but if they stretch on for too long, boredom--or some semblance of it--sets in. i find myself fidgeting, like a leaf from the whirlwind. you hate the whirlwind when it's there, when it's not you look for it. wait for it. kinda get torn between wanting and not wanting it.

i don't know if she was joking when she asked me if i wanted to do the final draft for the entire week, but i knew then--and i still know now---that to bite the bait would mean saying yes to a storm, not a mere whirlwind. i appreciate the little vote of confidence, but saying "game" to extra work is a little too much at this point for this little girl. it scares me as hell. though i know it shouldn't. but i know well enough to know that i don't need extra carcinogens in my body. mabuti na lang hindi pinilit. big sigh of relief.

sabi ko sa kanya, as we were walking along the company compound and gazing up at the big christmas lanterns in glowing company colors, at least this year masaya ang pasko ko. sabi nya, bakit? ah, kasi kasama mo kami?

(uh...yes. partly) opo. saka i'm here...writing. and i really meant it. kahit na nakakasaid ng fluid sa utak ang pagsusulat ng daily soap (kahit first drafts lang, haha), kahit na yung proseso na pinagdadaanan is not always nights of creative eureekas ("not always" is an, uh, understatement), i wouldn't exchange my job for anything else in the world right at the moment. not even directing. i love directing, but if i put all factors into consideration, writing is a healthy compromise for relative happiness in life. writing makes me happy. and somewhat stable. so at this point it doesn't really matter anymore if directing makes me happier.

kaya sobrang thank you ko sa diyos. because when i told her that my christmas last year sucked, i really meant it. of course it still had its blessings. i had my loved ones and family. i was in good health, and everyone i loved was in good health. but i was dead broke. i was buried in debt from my paglalagare of the last projects i'd taken in as script continuity and i couldn't even pay off my substitute. i couldn't even contribute anything significant to my family's christmas celebration, much less give them gifts. traveling outside during that christmas was frustrating. everything was just so happy and colorful and gay and there were so many beautiful things to buy, but i had no money. and i was at a career crossroad. the future had never been so uncertain but i knew in my heart that i didn't want to go back to my past again. kahit na may options being presented to me, tinigasan ko talaga ang resolve ko na hindi na ko babalik.

kaya knock on wood, sana, this christmas would be so much happier than last year's. i pray. i fervently pray.

on to other concerns. i hate being unreasonably angry. because i end up being angry at myself more than at the other person. pero minsan kasi kailangan mong ilabas. kahit isang outburst lang. tapos, okay ka na. you feel better, but you feel guilty at the same time. kasi feelings mo lang (na naman) ang inisip mo. kasi nilabas mo dun sa tao and unreasonable anger mo, at malamang nasaktan mo siya. o na-offend siya.

hindi ko mae-explain sa kanya kung bakit ako ganito, kaya magso-sorry na lang ako. and i would feel even worse, because "sorry" doesn't erase thing. you will be forgiven, pero better make sure hindi mo na uulitin. dahil mapagpasensya yung tao, hindi ulyanin. ako din ganon, kaya naiintindihan ko ang mga taong ganon. i easily forgive--and genuinely--but i don't forget. at least, my subconscious does not forget.

* * *

nabubwisit lang ako sa FB, dahil may isang tao don na SOBRANG kinamumuhian ko whose profile kept appearing in the FRIENDS YOU MAY KNOW section on the right side of the page. putangina, pwede bang i-turn off ang section na yon? makita ko pa lang ang nakangising pagmumukha ng asong yon nasisira na ang araw ko. eventually alam ko mapapatawad ko rin siya pero i need another year or two. sa ngayon naaalala ko pa nang bonggang-bongga ang makailang beses na pang-aapi na ginawa nya sa akin.

* * *

movie-marathon online. the other day i saw teeth. intriguing, novel concept, pero hilaw ang pelikula para sa akin. medyo mababaw. naging semi-horror/ (penis) slasher flick na lang sya, when it could have delved deeper into the material. kaso yung mga characters parang drowing lang. lalo na yung bidang babae. sana kung babae ang nagdirect at nagsulat malamang mas mabibigyan ng justice yung character ng babaeng my teeth ang vagina. haha, ang sexist ko pero totoo naman. :-)

88 minutes. al pacino thriller. lahat na lang red herrings. may mga logical inconsistencies sa kwento pero compelling watch siya para sa akin. kaso yung kontrabida sa dulo, hindi kayang makipag-face off sa dialogues with pacino. buwisit, gusto ko siyang palitan. HAHA. feeling ko mas kaya ko pang magtaray hahaha.

the hangover. na hindi ko natapos kasi hindi kumpleto ang pagkaka-download nung pinapanooran ko sa net. very interesting, from what i've seen so far.

batch '81. gusto kong manood ng pelikula to escape, kaya ayoko sanang manood ng pinoy movies. kasi pag dito rin sa pinas ang mundo ng pelikula parang hindi rin ako umeskapo. pero dahil intrigued talaga ako dito sa batch '81 pinanood ko na rin. not mike de leon's best work pero expectedly, okay na rin. naiirita lang ako kay sandy andolong na nagpapaka-conyo ang character pero laos naman sa pronuncieyyyshun. hehe.

riding in cars with boys. sana napanood ko to several weeks ago. tungkol kasi sya sa teenage mom na nabuntis at 15. sayang, kasi malaki na ang anak ni nene sa sinusulat namin ngayon for the teenage mama show. iba talaga pag ang writer, naranasan first-hand ang sinusulat nya. iba ang insight, sobrang totoo.

dvd-thon din when i'm not online. finally, i've seen (500) days of summer. not as life-changingly beautiful as it was hyped up to be, nagpapakaiba ang dating niya, pero in fairness. emotion-wise, it hits the target. it knows how to take care of the protagonist's emo-ing progression. hehe. kaya on the 500th day, nung makuha nya ang catharsis nya, naiyak ako sa nangyari sa kanya. siguro nga kung pinanood ko to eight years ago humagulgol ako nang sobra-sobra. lalo na yung line na sinabi nung babaeng bida na "one morning i woke up and i just knew...of what i was never sure of when i was with you." ang sakit-sakit non kung sinabi sa yo, pero somehow it will free you. it will put a period on things and somehow encourage you to let it go and move on. kaya sobrang gets ko kung bakit maraming taong makaka-relate sa kanya. it's a universal experience, trying to get over an ex. kasing-universal ng unrequited love. aww.

orphan. dati tinutukso ako ni bosobear na kamukha ko raw si orphan sa movie poster nya. sana mapanood nya to para makita nya kung gaano kami magkaiba ni orphan. kasi si orphan, orphan from hell! thrill-fest ang pelikulang to.

hay. bukas, manonood uli ako ng sine. alam ko dapat mga tv shows youtube ang pinapanood ko. para aralin. but watching tv shows reminds me of reality. gusto kong umeskapo sa pelikula. napapamahal na nga ata ako uli sa american culture dahil sa mga hollywood movies na pinapanood ko. hehe.

i love my keanna. i love taking care of her everyday. i love feeding her, and watching her sleep. at least kahit hindi ko madalas makita yung nagbigay sa kin sa kanya, si keanna lagi kong kasama. aww. meow.

1:42 am. maybe i can stay awake a little longer for another movie.

halloween night

six years ago, i was having one of the best halloween nights of me life. i was wading in the gays-in-black district of malate for the first time, with happy fellows, first-timers in malate, like me. masaya yun. hanggang ngayon, naaalala ko pa. every year, naaalala ko, tuwing magha-halloween.

ngayon, i crave for another halloween night out again. after so many years. i'd tried replicating that halloween night so many years ago but so far none has ever topped it. strangely when we were there at that time it was just...awkward, as how anything you'd do for the first time would normally feel. haha. and then we had coffee, and dun ko na-realize how fun it actually was, while having coffee after an awfully awkward first-time experience.

(sidenote: naaalala ko, it was also on THAT night when i learned from a friend na nabuntis ng rapper-dude crush ko yung gf nya. di ako umiyak. pero pinagluksa at pinag-celebrate ko ang news sa malate that night. hehe)

sana this year maulit yung ganong happiness. very soon. as in, two days from now.

* * *

pusang inamoy. inaatake na naman ako ng tamaritis.

malamig, masarap magtrabaho. i have two days. monday's the deadline. i have the liners now. bakit ang tamad-tamad ko?! lahat na ginawa ko except magsulat nang tuloy-tuloy. I HATE IT.

tapos, naje-jebs pa ko. but for some reason pati pagjebs pinu-put off ko. potah! ang script na to ay parang jebs. i have to just get it out of me to relieve myself.

basta nene, talk to me. keep talking to me.

kailangan kong ma-realize na magkaiba tayo ng magiging reaksyon sa mga bagay-bagay. hindi ako ikaw. hindi ka kasing-bitchy katulad ko. and in some cases, you would be passive. you would bow down. HINDI KO MAINTINDIHAN, honestly. kasi in the same situation, i would fight for my rights. i would fight like hell. pero kung sabi ng headwriter ko ay ganon ka, despite the fact na ilang beses ko nang kinontest at ilang beses ko nang tina-try intindihin ang ganong klaseng pananaw, sige a-agree na lang ako. hindi ako nagrereklamo, ha. nilalabas ko lang. my boss would probably have a certain wisdom about these things that i should respect and acknowledge. so susubukan ko na lang na intindihin.

pero kung ako nga ikaw ne, potahenah. sasapakin ko na yang lalakeng yan e. at lalayas kami ng anak ko, gago sya!

hay. time is a-ticking. maybe i should take a laxative.

* * *

party. party, party!

na-guilty ako nung isulat ko yung previous entry. pero dahil sa encouragement na binigay ni W, parang gusto ko pang mag-angst. kasi marami pa over the past two years. hay, akalain mong ang isang tulad ko ay marami palang angst. tina-try ko na ngang maging sunshiney mahoney as much as i can. ehehe.

last year na lang, ang daming carcinogens na tinanggap ng katawan ko dahil sa stress at sama ng loob. wala akong sinisisi (except sa isang kaso na talaga namang hanggang ngayon, parang gusto kong paliguan ng mura yung taong kinamumuhian ko sa workplace last year. gusto ko siyang sulatan dito, pero baka puro bad words lang ang lamanin ng sulat na yon.). pero siguro hindi pa ito yung panahon para i-proseso ko sya. masaya ako e. i feel that i've been saved from that kind of life. and at this point i feel no discomfort, looking back, kasi wala namang bearing ang trauma na iyon sa present life ko. i actually feel happier each time i remember. happier than happy, that i don't have to experience that kind of thing anymore. thank you lord.

pero may mga bagay na may bearing pa rin sa present mo, mga multo na hanggang ngayon minumulto ka pa rin dahil somehow nakasawsaw ang isang parte ng present mo sa kanya.

looking back at 2008, though, dapat mas ganado ako ngayong magsulat, kasi nga, ito ang nag-save sa akin. during those dreary days i dreamed of being where i am now. kaya sobrang nagpapasalamat ako. sobra sobra. KAYA dapat, back to work na!!!!!

syet, ngayon inaantok naman ako. ang lamig, sarap matulog.