downtime...

...and i have a feeling that in a matter of two or three days, it's about to end. oh, i couldn't be happier about that. rest days are fine but if they stretch on for too long, boredom--or some semblance of it--sets in. i find myself fidgeting, like a leaf from the whirlwind. you hate the whirlwind when it's there, when it's not you look for it. wait for it. kinda get torn between wanting and not wanting it.

i don't know if she was joking when she asked me if i wanted to do the final draft for the entire week, but i knew then--and i still know now---that to bite the bait would mean saying yes to a storm, not a mere whirlwind. i appreciate the little vote of confidence, but saying "game" to extra work is a little too much at this point for this little girl. it scares me as hell. though i know it shouldn't. but i know well enough to know that i don't need extra carcinogens in my body. mabuti na lang hindi pinilit. big sigh of relief.

sabi ko sa kanya, as we were walking along the company compound and gazing up at the big christmas lanterns in glowing company colors, at least this year masaya ang pasko ko. sabi nya, bakit? ah, kasi kasama mo kami?

(uh...yes. partly) opo. saka i'm here...writing. and i really meant it. kahit na nakakasaid ng fluid sa utak ang pagsusulat ng daily soap (kahit first drafts lang, haha), kahit na yung proseso na pinagdadaanan is not always nights of creative eureekas ("not always" is an, uh, understatement), i wouldn't exchange my job for anything else in the world right at the moment. not even directing. i love directing, but if i put all factors into consideration, writing is a healthy compromise for relative happiness in life. writing makes me happy. and somewhat stable. so at this point it doesn't really matter anymore if directing makes me happier.

kaya sobrang thank you ko sa diyos. because when i told her that my christmas last year sucked, i really meant it. of course it still had its blessings. i had my loved ones and family. i was in good health, and everyone i loved was in good health. but i was dead broke. i was buried in debt from my paglalagare of the last projects i'd taken in as script continuity and i couldn't even pay off my substitute. i couldn't even contribute anything significant to my family's christmas celebration, much less give them gifts. traveling outside during that christmas was frustrating. everything was just so happy and colorful and gay and there were so many beautiful things to buy, but i had no money. and i was at a career crossroad. the future had never been so uncertain but i knew in my heart that i didn't want to go back to my past again. kahit na may options being presented to me, tinigasan ko talaga ang resolve ko na hindi na ko babalik.

kaya knock on wood, sana, this christmas would be so much happier than last year's. i pray. i fervently pray.

on to other concerns. i hate being unreasonably angry. because i end up being angry at myself more than at the other person. pero minsan kasi kailangan mong ilabas. kahit isang outburst lang. tapos, okay ka na. you feel better, but you feel guilty at the same time. kasi feelings mo lang (na naman) ang inisip mo. kasi nilabas mo dun sa tao and unreasonable anger mo, at malamang nasaktan mo siya. o na-offend siya.

hindi ko mae-explain sa kanya kung bakit ako ganito, kaya magso-sorry na lang ako. and i would feel even worse, because "sorry" doesn't erase thing. you will be forgiven, pero better make sure hindi mo na uulitin. dahil mapagpasensya yung tao, hindi ulyanin. ako din ganon, kaya naiintindihan ko ang mga taong ganon. i easily forgive--and genuinely--but i don't forget. at least, my subconscious does not forget.

* * *

nabubwisit lang ako sa FB, dahil may isang tao don na SOBRANG kinamumuhian ko whose profile kept appearing in the FRIENDS YOU MAY KNOW section on the right side of the page. putangina, pwede bang i-turn off ang section na yon? makita ko pa lang ang nakangising pagmumukha ng asong yon nasisira na ang araw ko. eventually alam ko mapapatawad ko rin siya pero i need another year or two. sa ngayon naaalala ko pa nang bonggang-bongga ang makailang beses na pang-aapi na ginawa nya sa akin.

* * *

movie-marathon online. the other day i saw teeth. intriguing, novel concept, pero hilaw ang pelikula para sa akin. medyo mababaw. naging semi-horror/ (penis) slasher flick na lang sya, when it could have delved deeper into the material. kaso yung mga characters parang drowing lang. lalo na yung bidang babae. sana kung babae ang nagdirect at nagsulat malamang mas mabibigyan ng justice yung character ng babaeng my teeth ang vagina. haha, ang sexist ko pero totoo naman. :-)

88 minutes. al pacino thriller. lahat na lang red herrings. may mga logical inconsistencies sa kwento pero compelling watch siya para sa akin. kaso yung kontrabida sa dulo, hindi kayang makipag-face off sa dialogues with pacino. buwisit, gusto ko siyang palitan. HAHA. feeling ko mas kaya ko pang magtaray hahaha.

the hangover. na hindi ko natapos kasi hindi kumpleto ang pagkaka-download nung pinapanooran ko sa net. very interesting, from what i've seen so far.

batch '81. gusto kong manood ng pelikula to escape, kaya ayoko sanang manood ng pinoy movies. kasi pag dito rin sa pinas ang mundo ng pelikula parang hindi rin ako umeskapo. pero dahil intrigued talaga ako dito sa batch '81 pinanood ko na rin. not mike de leon's best work pero expectedly, okay na rin. naiirita lang ako kay sandy andolong na nagpapaka-conyo ang character pero laos naman sa pronuncieyyyshun. hehe.

riding in cars with boys. sana napanood ko to several weeks ago. tungkol kasi sya sa teenage mom na nabuntis at 15. sayang, kasi malaki na ang anak ni nene sa sinusulat namin ngayon for the teenage mama show. iba talaga pag ang writer, naranasan first-hand ang sinusulat nya. iba ang insight, sobrang totoo.

dvd-thon din when i'm not online. finally, i've seen (500) days of summer. not as life-changingly beautiful as it was hyped up to be, nagpapakaiba ang dating niya, pero in fairness. emotion-wise, it hits the target. it knows how to take care of the protagonist's emo-ing progression. hehe. kaya on the 500th day, nung makuha nya ang catharsis nya, naiyak ako sa nangyari sa kanya. siguro nga kung pinanood ko to eight years ago humagulgol ako nang sobra-sobra. lalo na yung line na sinabi nung babaeng bida na "one morning i woke up and i just knew...of what i was never sure of when i was with you." ang sakit-sakit non kung sinabi sa yo, pero somehow it will free you. it will put a period on things and somehow encourage you to let it go and move on. kaya sobrang gets ko kung bakit maraming taong makaka-relate sa kanya. it's a universal experience, trying to get over an ex. kasing-universal ng unrequited love. aww.

orphan. dati tinutukso ako ni bosobear na kamukha ko raw si orphan sa movie poster nya. sana mapanood nya to para makita nya kung gaano kami magkaiba ni orphan. kasi si orphan, orphan from hell! thrill-fest ang pelikulang to.

hay. bukas, manonood uli ako ng sine. alam ko dapat mga tv shows youtube ang pinapanood ko. para aralin. but watching tv shows reminds me of reality. gusto kong umeskapo sa pelikula. napapamahal na nga ata ako uli sa american culture dahil sa mga hollywood movies na pinapanood ko. hehe.

i love my keanna. i love taking care of her everyday. i love feeding her, and watching her sleep. at least kahit hindi ko madalas makita yung nagbigay sa kin sa kanya, si keanna lagi kong kasama. aww. meow.

1:42 am. maybe i can stay awake a little longer for another movie.