little match girl on a rainy night

you know the fairy tale. or rather, the tragic tale.

one wintry cold night, a little match girl uses her imagination to make herself feel better.  she imagines all sorts of scenarios, the things her heart wants at the moment. and then, she dies with a smile on her face.

so since i just realized today that i'll be working althroughout the christmas holidays, medyo desperate-for-a-happy-pill mode tayo ngayon. i'm going to be that little match girl for the moment,

i see myself in Disneyland HK. with my daughter and husband, and my mother. and my daughter is having the time of her life, and i am actually enjoying everything, not just being mommy/chaperone to her.

i see myself in Paris. it's spring. i tour the city all day, tour some more at night. i'm with my husband, and for once he's not thinking about the friggin expenses this trip is costing us. he's actually enjoying the place. we take the train, and see the french countryside, those green meadows and Birch Tree black-and-white cows. wow. beauitful. and i remember my same experience more than 10 years ago, a 23-year-old child who found herself amidst all this beauty alone. i was too infantile to take advantage of that very rare opportunity (a trip to France and everything was friggin FREE, stupid! you were too afraid to even wander! you spent 75% of your time there inside the hotel room!)

we go to Cannes. Marseilles. we see the best of France. The mediterranean, the fishports, the cobblestones, the beautiful streets, the landmarks. we ride a sailboat, we dine al fresco..but wait. it's time to take the train again. This time, to Italy.

never been to Italy. but I have relatives there. osobear and I meet up with my cousins one day, but for the rest of the trip, we're free to go where we please. we see the best of Italy as well. Rome and its ancient ruins. the old and the new. we go to Venice, and make a girlhood dream of mine come true--- we ride a gondola and cruise along those famous canals.

we go to Switzerland, see the alps and stay in one of those Swiss chalets, explore the country and take all the beautiful things it has to offer.

i see myself at home. on a day with no deadlines whatsoever. no work assignments to do. i'm free to do whatever i please. go wherever i please. so i cook. i bake. i decorate cookies. i spend an entire afternoon with my hubby and babygirl just watching DVDs.  and because a day is not enough to do all the things I want to do, the next day is work-free as well.  family goes malling.

i see myself on another work-free day, starting on my weight loss plan. enroling again at the gym. moving this lazy ass. losing weight. gaining my cheekbones and curves and self-esteem back. lagi kong sinasabi sa sarili ko---papapayat ako pagkatapos ng show. sana mabigyan ako ng kahit two weeks to kickstart this kahit papano.

so, there. marami pa akong gustong ma-imagine. like me buying a new mac laptop, an Iphone, a four-wheel-drive car. and not having to worry about all that making a dent on my savings.

and yes. i see myself on the shooting set. doing that thing i'd fervently dreamed of doing for many years. and being good at it. the fantasy wouldn't be complete if i'm not going to be good at it.

and that, folks, is the greatest fantasy of all. like that one that got away.

pero kahapon bumalik ako sa shooting set. bilang spectator, ramdam ko ang pagod ng lahat. bumalik na naman ako sa memories of my years in production. mahirap magshoot. 40% is creative. 60%, dealing with the environment, the logistics, the daily realities of mounting a production. kung prod staff ka, mabilis na magiging dormant ang creative side mo sa ganitong environment. and the magic there is, you almost never see the hirap, the pagod, the hintayan at tengga, the struggles and the difficulties when you watch a finished film/episode. hindi ko lang alam kung makakaya ko uli yun.

but i want to. someday. i want to at least try. at least do something about that one true love (or so i thought) that got away. kung hindi ko susubukan, baka hanggang pagtanda ko, dala dala ko yung "what-if" na yun sa puso ko. what if i had tried, and i could actually do it?

at least, kung subukan ko man sa realidad, at nadiscover kong i couldn't do it, i don't have the makeup for it, or hindi ko pala talaga sya ganon kamahal...then matatahimik na ako. at least may answer. hindi yung forever nag-iisip ka... nagwawonder ka.

so back to reality.nabago na ang assignment. week 18 na daw muna, deadline in 2 days. everytime i go to the set, mas lalo kong naappreciate ang trabaho ko ngayon. isn't that ironic? cause here, we deal with stories. concepts. ideas. we create characters and lives and conflicts and shit.

pero well. ibang klaseng high din ang magdirek, sa totoo lang. i was 29 when i last directed shit-- that AVP for a networking company. i was a newbie writer. feeling ko, ngayon, with 6 years of writing experience behind me, may makocontribute yung writing experience na yun kung sakaling magkaroon ako ng chance na magdirek uli.

ang dami daming may pangarap na ganito. sampu sampera sila. at sa panahon ngayon when you can shoot an entire film using your phone, wala nang excuses para di ka gumawa kung gugustuhin mo talaga. kaso feeling ko, yun ang waterloo ko, EVER SINCE. konsepto. if i'm going to have to think of something good enough, i will have to focus on nothing else but that. kaso posible ba yun? not at this point. :-(

pero ang sumakay sa isang konseptong pinaniniwalaan ko, tingin ko, kaya ko. i can even write the script, basta merong konsepto. sana within this lifetime, either makaisip ako ng konsepto na good enough. o may isang magaling na konsepto akong matisod na galing sa isant taong willing makipagcollaborate with me bilang manunulat.

but then again, let's be clear about this. let's not neglect the lessons of the past and go back to the reason why i want to go in that direction again. pin that on the corkboard, bluey. reflect on it, honestly. why do you want to do it?