Sunday, July 15, 2007

wrong side of the bed

this is not a start-of-the-day to write about.
having gone to bed at 6 am, having to start another day at 12 noon.
ironically, it's my day off work. a day to be happy. a day to watch "transformers" (yes, ngayon pa lang).
but i'm not, and it's another one of those moments. waking up like a zombie. for no apparent reason.

i'm such a moody person.

it's kinda sad, when you get to a point where you'd start working on a new movie and see it as just another project. losing steam, for the time being. seeing work as simply work. that was what happened on my First Day for the new movie.

i had no drive to go beyond being "professional". to make the effort to "socialize". because somehow i felt like i was on "enemy" grounds. not a healthy way to begin something. not a healthy working state-of-mind. maybe i'm more praning than i should be, maybe it's not a kap@mily@ vs k@puso kind of thing to them. i've worked with most of these people before. and they know i'm freelance. no roots, can be planted anywhere. but somehow i get the feeling that they think my loyalty is with the family network. which would make me, technically, the enemy.

bat may mga taong ganon. fiercely loyal to the point of being combative towards the "rival". network vs network. peer vs peer. bat ganun. kelangang mamintas o (technically) mang-putdown ng ibang tao. kung wala kang magandang masasabi di ba dapat tumatahimik ka na lang.

nakakailang makinig sa ganon, lalo na kung kaibigan mo ang kinokomentuhan. syempre hindi ka makaayon, at kung gusto mo mang ipagtanggol, you think it would be a wrong move. kasi kung ipapagtanggol mo baka isipin na ang loyalty mo, nasa taong pinag-uusapan. parang ganon ang crowd na to. may "if you're not with us, you're against us" kind of mentality. hindi ko masakyan, kasi hello. hindi naman kelangang mag-take ng sides. kung trabaho, trabaho.

kaya trabaho na lang ang tingin ko sa project na to. at ang mga katrabaho, katrabaho. hindi katulad nung mga dati kong nakakatrabaho, may personal relationship na ring nabi-build. siguro magiging ganon din kami ng mga katrabaho ko ngayon. masasakyan ko rin sila. pero Day 1 pa lang. 24 working days to go. at sa ngayon, wala ako sa PR mode. wala akong ganang mag-effort.

pag ang isang tao, nagagawa nyang mag-badmouth ng ibang tao sa likod nila, maari din nyang gawin sa yo. that's always the thought at the back of my mind. hindi ko matanggal. kaya hindi ako makapagtiwala. hindi ko maturing na kaibigan, bukod pa sa pagiging katrabaho.

anyway. time for "transformers". buti na lang love ko ang magiging movie date ko. sya, dati kong katrabaho, at alam kong mapapagkatiwalaan.

Friday, July 13, 2007

catching the train, and other musings on a chilly night

9 pm. isolated showers and thunderstorms. no work for the day.

a stick of menthols. a can of light soda. a mouthful of sweets. your family watching tv together in the next room.

perfect. thank god for this life. sana lagi na lang ganito. sana mas masaya pa.

it's so nice to be home. :-)

* * *

i remember a blog entry i once wrote on july 12, two years ago. tempted to carry on my personal "tradition", kaso masyadong comfy ang gabing to, parang gusto ko na lang itulog.

oh well. let's try to do it partially. what was i doing july 12 last year? last year's july was a whirlwind. shooting teXt from sunset to sunrise, shot a y9smien kurd1 video (from sunrise to sunrise), mentally preoccupied with the participation of my second baby of a kabaklaan short film at the 2006 c1nemalaya. hay. sigh. which reminds me. i've become too comfortable with my mundane existence. i have not taken up my "cross" yet.

a lot of opportunities have come. if i had only poured in some effort, who knows. maybe i would've been elsewhere in the map. who knows. maybe i would've been in the map. di ba yun naman ang pangarap ko. to pursue what i really want. may isang taong literally nanliligaw sa kin para gawin ang gusto ko talagang gawin. marami akong rason kung bakit hindi ako sumasagot ng oo. pero isa na dun, fear.

fear. of the inobtrusive, dormant kind.
fear. not only of failing. not only of making errors in decision. but also of leaving my comfort zone. of leaving the comfortable life i know now.
add to that, marami ding distractions ang buhay.

* * *

when a train comes, i half-walk, half-run. sometimes, i don't even run at all. because i have my own solid ground, my own little "puwesto" sa tabi ng riles. who would want to fall and trip all over herself? who would want to leave that little place in the sun, even for a moment, only to get back and realize that it is no longer there?

ilang tren na ba ang dumaan. taon-taon na lang. yung iba, andyan lang. naghihintay. kailangan mo lang kumilos. mag-effort. rise above the mundane concerns of your daily life.

kasi, ayaw mo namang isipin na nilagay ka lang dito sa earth para lang magtrabaho, kumita, mag-asawa at/o mag-anak. masyado nang maraming gumagawa non.

ayaw mo namang pagtanda mo, tsaka mo pa lang maiisip na sayang ang mga tren na dumaan at hindi mo hinabol at pinagtangkaang sakyan.

hay.
someday.
my most overused reply to myself.

* * *

minsan naiisip ko, siguro i can do more than just help make other people's movies.
hindi pala minsan. madalas.
it's a burning thought at the back of my mind, something that i've long ago buried in my "for future reference" files.
syempre, laging kadikit ng thought na yon ang tanong. kelan?

kung hindi ngayon, kelan?

punyeta. maganda na ang gabi ko, ayoko na munang pag-isipan.

* * *

back to july 12, 2006. the happiness of being a proud parent was different from anything i've ever experienced before. feeling mo, may purpose talaga ang buhay mo. feeling mo, the future's so bright you gotta wear shades. it goes without saying. gusto ko uli yon. pero mas madali ang magbusy-busyhan at trabahuhin ang mga bagay na required kang gawin.

i am not required to make something more of myself. i have dropped that self-imposed requirement, long long ago. pero pano ka magiging lubusang masaya kung hindi mo ipu-push ang sarili mo? kung yon ang kailangan para marating mo ang gusto mong marating?

hay. ewan. tigilan na muna.

back to july 12, 2006.

* * *

pag nagdidirek ako ng music video, feeling ko malapit-lapit na yon sa gusto ko talagang gawin. kaya karir kung karir, each time magshu-shoot ako. ganon ang nangyari sa p@tuloy p@ r1n ni y@smien kurd1. syempre, production staffer din ako, alam kong halos sumpa para sa mga nagtatrabaho sa production ang direktor na mahilig sa lamayan, and somehow i've made it one of the goals to make my shoots shorter and my packup times earlier in future projects.

one year later, matatawa na lang ako. kasi mas maaga naman natapos ang shoot for my next music video kesa sa y@smien kurd1 video of last year. mas maaga...by two hours. hah. nakaka-frustrate. kasi, nag-compromise na nga ako. pero tumagal pa rin. dahil sa ibang factors na hindi ko kontrolado. but those which i still hold myself responsible for.

hay. walang sisihan. lahat ng desisyon, dumadaan sa yo.sana lang maganda sya lumabas. kahit hindi ko pa napagtutuunan ng pansin ang editing.

* * *

one year ago, single ako. single and uncertain. intrigued by someone, wooed by someone, still carrying a torch for someone. tatlong magkakaibang tao ang "someone" in each sentence. haha.

a year made all the difference. a year has changed my life in a lot of ways. i used to think that i was too repressed, more inclined to pulling the ropes on too taut, but i was wrong. it was gut feel at work. if someone is not right for you, there's something inside of you that will tell you to hold back. a survival mechanism to shield you from pain.

one year later, i met that intriguing someone again, but i was with someone else. and i could only laugh. at the idea. that once upon a time i found this someone intriguing, when now he is just another one of those blessings-that-came-a-little-too-late.

one year later, i met that someone again. that someone whom i used to torch for, The One Who Got Away in an Alternate Universe. he's every bit as beautiful as i remembered him to be, but something was lost there. something was gone.

the torch was gone. because i was already in love with someone else. and that someone else, who was, one year ago, just another perceived casualty in my Idiot's Guide to Ruining a Date digest (i could write a thick volume, b'lieve me), is now worth much more than all the intriguing and torched-for someones i've met put together. he gave me more than just memories to keep on my Time Capsule #2. more than just the trappings of a wooer-in-action. more than just fluff.

love. a strange kind of happiness.
and for the first time in my life, someone actually made me let my guard down.

everything may change in the next coming years, but i pray with all my heart that this one would be a constant in the future july 12s of my life. :-)

* * *

tomorrow a new movie starts grinding. hay. help me lord. help me survive this on solid ground.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

romancing the whirlwind

in the flurry of the past several days, i momentarily forgot about the work that was.

last wednesday was the music video shoot. an angry girl tied to a bed, a boy sitting across from her, serenading her with a love song. sounds familiar?

sana hindi. or kahit familiar sya, sana kahit papano maitatawid pa rin na fresh ang kalabasan ng video.

hindi ako happy sa shoot. maraming bagay ang hindi ko nagawa, due to many factors. constraints, in many aspects. kung tutuusin malaking creative freedom ang binigay sa kin, pero frustrating pa rin. dahil maraming bagay pa rin ang hindi naisakatuparan. hindi sinadya, hindi ginusto, pero andun na, tapos na. sayang.

hindi lang kasi sya raket. baby sya. kaya nakakapanghinayang.

umaasa pa rin akong maganda naman overall ang mga na-shoot namin. kahit maraming kulang. kaya nga andyan ang postprod. to make things a hundred times better. ito ang prosesong dapat tutukan sa ngayon.

hay. sana magawa ko. redirect, focus. despite other things to think about.


the next day i got to dabble in a st@r c1nem@ movie starring @ga muhl@ch and @ngel1ca panganib@n. compared to my last movie shoot with the d1rek, this one was a walk in the park. dalawang eksena lang ang nasa schedule, at nasa isang posh hotel pa ang location. bongga. extra moolah for half a day's work (kahit way below the normal rates). hindi pa rin lugi.


"ayun! ba't hindi pa naisip yan noon pa?" @ga said when i showed him his acting position for continuity. thank my digicam. it makes work much easier. dati drowing galore pa ang mga scriptcon. o super-preview sa video assist. left hand o right hand? one hand at the back of the head, one hand in semi-arc outwards, and all those kakalokang verbal directions. in one view of a still picture, kita mo na lahat, ipakita mo na lang sa kinauukulan. i love technology!



@ga is back to his usual "hot papa" self (the extra pounds are gone, and he claims not to know how his sixpack abs came about). i never thought @ngel1ca was that beautiful in person. marami na kong nakitang magagandang artista pero iba ang dating ng mukha ng batang to. innocently beautiful. probably one of the most beautiful artistas i've worked with, next to cl@udine and kr1stine.

we packed up at around 12 midnight. maaga na yon, kumpara sa last movie shoot namin with the d1rek (3 am ang pinakamaaga dun, at langong-lango ang lahat). gusto nilang bumalik ako para tapusin ang natitirang 10-day shoot kaso lugi na kung same tf pa rin ang ibibigay. oo, nakakatanggi na ko ngayon, kahit mahirap gawin. haha. labor can't always be negotiable, kahit gusto mo pang ginagawa mo. :-P

in a matter of three days another movie is grinding, a project that is somekinda scary to tackle. kelangan ng focus talaga. the shoot will stretch on for two to three months. lord, sana hindi na humaba pa don. at sana makaya ko ang scope. futuristic na, action pa. at sandamukal ang extras at special effects. haven't tried action and sci-fi before. puro bold films lang. hahaha.

kinakabahan ako. kasi baka hindi na script ang lagi kong hawak. baka crowd na, in gazillions. nayko.

buhay-buhawi ang gusto mo di ba? sige lang, bring it ohwn!

off my beaten path

baguio in july. a little wet with random patches of sunshine. definitely worth the trip.


somewhere a little down south, someone could've been basking in the sunshine and blue waters of a hundred islands, but he chose to cavort amidst towering pines instead. and so the result was (see above picture) a major pictorial of a teddy bear in the woods. hahaha!


i've been to baguio a number of times in recent years and thought myself to be more or less familiar with the pasikot-sikot around the city, but i was proven wrong. cause in those trips (nearly all of them work-related), there would always be someone to guide the way. in one random trip with friends two years ago there were always cab drivers to shuttle us around. that was the case in the first part of this trip (work-related, again), but when the crew had left and the teddy bear and i were left behind to become tourists for a day, i found myself a little lost. pano nga ba makapunta sa minesview park? anong jeepney (yes, jeepney, kasi ayaw ng kasama kong mag-taxi...hmpf) ang sasakyan? ano pa nga ba, bukod sa minesview, burnham, at camp john hay, ang tourist spots sa syudad na to? i couldn't come up with the appropriate answers. kaya mega-tanong na lang kami sa mga locals. and that was when i realized that i knew so little about this city that i'd been raving about in this blog for the longest time.

lunch was at the solibao resto along burnham park, an outdoor cafe with the sprawling view of burnham's sunken garden-esque football field. we treated ourselves to a mini-banquet of deep-fried fish, meat, and veggies. the weather was cloudy-cool and the food was scrumptious, which made this lunch one of the most memorable ones i'd had during this trip.


we decided to skip rowing in burnham's man-made lake (na-try ko na yon once with friends, pero pag teddy bear ang kasama mo, baka matawa ka lang sa pagka-cheesy ng eksena, hahaha) and opted to catch the ponies in minesview instead. kaso may curfew pala ang mga kabayo at hindi na sila pwedeng mag-trot-trot-trot 5pm onwards, kaya pictorial galore na lang kami sa overlooking spots around minesview park.


a little trip to camp john hay was also in the itinerary, because of the towering pines. the teddy bear wanted evidence that he was in baguio (first time kasi makalabas ng maynila, hehe) and i could think of no other familiar spot with baguio's trademark pines than john hay. i remember my semi-harrowing experience in this place two years ago and couldn't help laughing. mukha talaga syang set ng horror movie, even during daytime.


shopping wasn't a major priority in our itinerary but i managed to pick a few items for the family along the way. syempre hindi mawawala ang mga munchies (the oatmeal bars were the best, a relatively novel alternative to the tried-and-trite peanut brittle), a few knitted accessories (mura at maganda, kaso madaling matastas!), and a wood-carved statue of a native cat for my wonderful person of a highschool bestfriend (thank you gift ko 'to sa kanya, for a favor that she did for me). the man-in-a-barrel trinket is the most popular tourist item in these parts but we decided not to purchase one because of the prices (P75 for one little weaner {oops, pun intended}...imagine that!).

in the evening, a modest dinner in one of session road's restos overlooking the city streets (which ironically looked a lot like the streets of legarda and avenida, palitan mo lang ang fog ng smoke-belcher usok). at dahil mukhang walang authentic native cuisine ang baguio, we managed to get ourselves full with the common chicken barbecue and one-day old (dito lang ako nakatikim uli since i was, what, ten years old!). coffee (kahit 3-in-1) is best enjoyed when it's drizzling and you're watching the streets down below.


all in all, kulang ang oras at araw (pagkagat ng dilim, parang nagiging ghost town ang mga suburbs sa baguio!), pero masaya pa rin naman. first time kong makapaglakad lakad around the city, kahit umaambon at halos di maaninag ang mga kalsada sa kapal ng hamog. at hindi araw-araw nangyayari na nakakakita ako ng teddy bear na tuma-tumbling tumbling amidst towering pines. hehe.


i know we missed a lot. those off-the-beaten-path, less familiar yet definitely picturesque spots, like crystal cave (where we shot the baguio bold movie last november) and probably a dozen quaint little towns in the city's outskirts. even the strawberry farms miles away from the heart of the city ought to be worth the quarter-day travel. and the famous good shepherd ube (purple yam) from the nuns (nasarahan kami kasi may curfew din ang mga madre!) should well be worth the 7-hour trip from manila.


all that and more, but surely, there's always the next baguio adventure. for now, i'm happy enough for this little side trip. a wonderful breather from the normal ngaragan lifestyle. :-)

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

redirecting...

parang naging bakasyon ang past two days. went to the b1g nyt on saturday, crashed the show's b1g party on sunday. revisiting of a sort, yet again. masaya naman ang party, pero hindi kasingsaya nung party three seasons ago. kasi noon, after a haggardizing two months, feeling ko i've earned the right to party. ang laking catharsis ng pagpapakasaya, pagkatapos ng dusa. haha.

and now, today. lens still on soft focus. na-drain ako after last wednesday's "childbirth". parang ayoko munang magtrabaho, creative man ang nature ng trabaho o hindi. pero kelangan nang mag-redirect, dahil bukas kelangang bumalik sa shooting set. help me lord. hindi lang basta raket to. kung importante ang pagbubuntis at panganganak para sa mga kritiko last wednesday, mas importante yun dito.

alas-dos na. di pa ko nag-aalmusal o nanananghalian. di pa din naliligo. di pa talaga gising. parang ang sarap na namang magbeach. kelangan ko yata ng isa pang tasang kape.

gising beeyatch. redirect, redirect.