1 bottle of san mig light and i'm gone

lost in semi-oblivion. just like now.
i never liked drinking. except on rainy days. and contrary to the cliche, i'm not depressed. it's the rain, my happiness for the rain, my neverending list of still-unfulfilled wishes, my wonder over whatever i'd been doing these past two years, whatever's happening to the present the future and the 22-year-old's fire six years ago, and all those other splinters-in-the-brain that find their way out of my mouth when san mig starts to snake its way up.

the laws of attraction seem to want me to do a complete major charcter turnaround. it will take a lot of work. and i cannot control it. so what i cannot control, i surrender to the one supreme power who knows better.

and man, does HE know better.

to entrust has trust as its rootword. and i entrust, because i have total trust.

* * *

to zero in, to focus, meant that i would have to quit doing other jobs. and that was what i did. the nature of the work that i had to attend didn't require me to yell around and mobilize people. but i had done those things before, back when i didn't know better, when i had thought that the work that i was doing was easy and didn't need to be attended to with full concentration. which was my misconception. six or so movies later, i was to realize, a bad misconception.

to love means complete devotion. and i love the job. to do it well, i had to focus.
i wonder if it did me any good, to strive hard in doing a job well, and suffer the consequences of being typecast for it.

* * *

i miss two years ago.
i miss my youth.
i miss the old fire.
life will give you a scourging every now and then. six months ago i took a really tough one. it changed everything. i lost my license to dream. since then everything i'd been doing was mundane, goal-less, done for no higher end, done for what temporary benefit that it could give me.

heartbreak. of the non-romantic kind. it hounds you in your waking hours.

* * *

i often dream of it.
of her.
i have nothing against her. nothing personal.
she has stopped becoming a person to me, for since that day she's become a mere symbol. a postergirl of the powers-that-be.
i have nothing against the powers-that-be as well. they probably knew much much better, knew well enough what was going to be good for me in the long run.

and it broke my heart, realizing that they could possibly right. they could be most probably be right.

1 more bottle and i'm lost to oblivion.