days in the life

i was caught up in a little whirlpool these past few days. and trying to deal with a whirlpool of different emotions as well.
monday i spent all day trying to meet a self-imposed deadline. on the brink of a nervous breakdown, uttering curses aloud, blowing out air (and cigarette smoke) to unload myself of the tension. at the end of the day, i was done and all but ready to email my 3 days' worth of labor. and guess what. the freakin internet wouldn't connect me.

tuesday was taping day. spiels, boring. strangely i was at my busiest on set, as compared to those gawddang outdoor tapings, when i would hardly be on the set at all, sitting on my fanny monitoring those freakin minidvtapes. when on any other day, in any other job, i couldn't friggin care less about them. the day ended at 1 am, and my head was aching. someone was expecting an email of a revised shooting schedule for a film that's about to resume and i was running a day late. that had to wait, because...

wednesday was another taping day. outdoors in the boondocks of pililla, rizal. the place was comfy on a stormy day but i was glum. disgruntled. i loved where i was and who i was with, but i HATED what i was doing. so much, at that time, that i contemplated on resigning. even the thought of baguio couldn't do me any good. my abhorrence of those tapes outweighs everything else.

they promised me something else. something more. somehow they have not gotten around to giving it to me. and probably i'm too shy or too proud to ask again. if they meant it, they would've asked me again about it by now.

i was thinking of a good excuse to get out. the (ex)favorite Direk's movie was grinding soon. that would do. later that night i got a message telling me that the shoot for july has been postponed. so there. sign ba yun ni lord? should i stay or should i go? there are other options, but they're not concrete at this point. hoping high, but for now the present matters. and money matters as well.

in the middle of the night i learned about the demise of Manong. i was shocked. akala ko ok na sya, akala ko recovering na. yun pala nag-cardiac arrest uli, and this time around he never came back again. i was sad. love ko si manong, kahit may mga tantrums sya. love ko sya kasi as a director, alam nya ang ginagawa nya. as a person, he's actually endearing. sad din ako, kasi i hate it when someone i know dies.

my cellphone took another (literal) fall that night as well. mukhang susunod na rin sya kay Manong. deadbatt ako all night, and the phone was chipped in the hinge.

3 am, packup time. i still had that shooting schedule to deal with when i get home. got home at 6, did the breakdown, but the friggin internet wouldn't cooperate again. so i slept muna. woke up at 10 am to a phone call from the direk asking me (for the Nth time) about the freakin breakdown. kulang pa ang 4 hours na tulog sa kin pero no choice. finally, inemail ko na.

i was to have a meeting today. but a phone talk changed my plans.
there's something new. a challenge. a first. and i'm apprehensive and hopeful about it at the same time. this was what i wanted right? not the freakin minidv tapes. so now God has granted one of my prayers. i just need to overcome the negative feelings and do the best that i can on saturday.

now i'm waiting for download manager. cause i was emailed a file that needs to be opened with a program that isn't in my hard drive. eh magmimeeting kami mamayang 5pm nung direk. i have to come up with a breakdown by then, and it's freakin 2 pm!

natetense na naman ako, pucha. ano ba tong ambagal na download manager na to.
di ako aabot sa 5 pm. i'll have to tell him. put*ng i*a!!!!