baul diaries: on a trip down the web...

wrote this on june 7, 2009. 

...surfing, i was thinking of these.

i feel bad. i had been irresponsible yesterday. i should've started my homework yesterday. para sana, hindi ako umabot sa "finish-or-not-finish" mode today.

na ang kumplikado, kasi feeling ko hindi naman kailangan ng ganong mode. pwede mo namang akuin ang tying-up-the-loose-ends part. ang tanong, gusto mo ba ng extrang trabaho. at tama ba na ikaw, gayong toddler ka pa lang sa lagay na yan,kung iisipin. at appropriate ba, gayong wala ka naman sa posisyon para magpa"biba". kaya nagtatanong ka rin sa ibang tao kung bakit gayong hands full na pala sila pero they still insist on taking the extra work in their hands. hindi ko maintindihan fully, pero i suppose may point naman. dahil honestly, eto lang, and i'm saying this to myself: kung yung sa yo lang, hindi pa umabot sa deadline, paano pa kaya kung gagawin mo yung sa yo at sa iba.

of course it's not the way to go. of course i-have-to-win-me would've risen up to the challenge. she would've started the work early. and if she had been late, she would've volunteered to finish up the job para di makaabala sa iba. keber na kung anong sasabihin ng iba. it would've been the right thing to do for i-have-to-win beeyatch.

dati sinasabi ko na hindi ko gusto yung mode kong ganon noon, pero minsan naiisip ko na may mga advantages din sya. for one, hindi sya magbubulakbol. kaya lahat ng gagawin nya, pagbubutihin nya, at para masiguradong makakarir nya, sisimulan nya nang maaga. (because she-has-to-win) secondly, hindi sya matatakot o tatamarin sa pag-ako ng responsibility. because she sees it as a challenge, and she-has-to-win over any kind of challenge. come to think of it, yung mga i-have-to-win, usually mas malaki ang chances nilang magsucceed sa life. kasi para sa kanila, dapat laging excellent ang grade. kaya mas pinupush nila ang sarili nila. mas may drive sila. mas mataas ang level of frustration, pero kung tamad ka naman, mafufrustrate ka din e. pati ibang tao, mafu-frustrate din sa yo. siguro nakakairita ang mga i-have-to-win sa ibang tao, but then again, all good things have a bad side to them. all good things, excluding god. na hindi rin naman "thing", on second thought.

dear god. light my fire. don't let me go too lax on myself. don't let me fall on that kind of a dark side.

hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang mag-i-have-to-win mode ngayon, pagkatapos ng isang event last year. kasi, after that, parang ikinahiya ko talaga ang pagiging ganun ko. feeling ko doon nag-ugat ang lahat. naging instrumento ako ng demonyo, dahil doon. what could've been a strength had become a weakness, and the devil had preyed on it. when i only wanted to do excellent work. siguro nga, maybe i wanted it too much.

maling combination of character traits na rin, dahil ako ay isang one-track-mind by nature. may pagka-insensitive pa. isama mo ang dalawang yon with a healthy dose of i-have-to-win gutom, talagang high-risk nga siguro. owel. kung na-burn ako, sumobra naman yata ang pagka-opposite extreme ko. i should find the middle ground. yung tamang moderation lang.