memories of my tita baby

Nahalungkat ko sa drafts inbox ko, an entry written 5 years ago. I have no idea why i didn't publish this. Pero reading this, nalungkot na naman ako. may kirot na naman, over losing an aunt who was somehow dear to me.  during the last five years of her life i could say we hadn't been as close as before. pero ewan ko. i guess her death had been so unexpected, hanggang ngayon di pa rin mawala yung sakit. 

last saturday, november 6, my closest aunt, tita baby, passed away from severe aplastic anemia. it came as a shock to me. until now it still hasn't sunk in. when i'd heard from my mother that tita was confined at the hospital, i didn't think her condition was that serious. and knowing tita, who was so vibrant and strong and full of life and a survivor, i was confident that no disease could bring her down.

so much could be said about tita baby. she was such a colorful personality. pagdating sa career, she's my idol. in the pharmaceutical company where she worked for 31 years, she was a young probinsyana who rose from the ranks. she was smart and determined and worked hard to get what she wanted. she had the guts and the smarts and it got her to the top. in our family, sya yung laging takbuhan ng lahat. pag may family gatherings, siya ang laging punong abala. everyone relied on her, especially my 90-plus year old lola. she had such a generous heart. she was always there to help. she gave and even if she was often given nothing in return, it didn't stop her from giving. hindi nya kayang tiisin ang mga kamag-anak nya. she was an angel to our family in so many ways.

during these past five days since her death, andaming memories na bumalik sa akin with my tita baby, simula pa lang nung 4 years old ako hanggang sa last text messages namin sa isa't isa. nung dalaga pa sya, i was her pet at 4 years old. pag nagbabakasyon ako sa mga lola ko sa san mateo, sa kwarto nya ako natutulog. she would bathe me, clothe me, play mom to me. she taught me my first song ("nothing's gonna change my love for you"). at her wedding, i was flower girl, pinamakeupan din nya ako dun sa bading na makeup artist na nag-ayos sa kanya.

when i was in my teens and i started getting my written work published sa mga local magazines, proud na proud sya sa akin. pinaxerox nya lahat ng mga sinulat ko sa office photocopying machine nya and compiled them for me. whenever i needed a computer she'd let me use their computer at home. at habang nagsusulat ako, she'd personally serve meryenda sa akin, even if she didn't have to. ganon sya kasupportive sa akin.

hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. she's really gone. nang nililibing namin sya, sabi ko sa mga pinsan ko, totoo ba to? sabi ng isa sa mga anak nya, sana daw panaginip lang to lahat, at sana paggising nya, she'll still be alive.

now i know why i didn't get to publish this. i didn't get around to finishing it. i wish i have the time right now to do so. but all i can say now, tita, is that hanggang ngayon, you are remembered with fondness. with pain and paghihinayang still, but with fondness and love.