year-ender survey

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
made the leap in many aspects of my life

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
di ako nagnyu-new year's resolutions e.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
pinsan ko

4. Did anyone close to you die?
dalawang titos ko.

5. What countries did you visit?
this year? wala e. pinas bound ako this year

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
the dream job. the dream career.

7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
december 31, 2007. first anniversary.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
i got in the director's training program. directed a music video that i'm satisfied with.

9. What was your biggest failure?
saving up big for the rainy days

10. Did you suffer from illness or injury?
midway through the year, i had urinary tract infection.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
gifts for the BBBB all year round

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
BBBB

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
mine! blech.

14. Where did most of your money go?
cab fares. meals. cosmetics. toiletries. pamalengke every week.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the director's training program. baguio trip at midyear. zambales trip in the summer.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
"i was dancing when i was 12..."

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? HAPPIER in many aspects, SADDER in two aspects.

ii. thinner or fatter? THINNER. though it's never too late to gain more weight in the few remaining days of 2007.

iii. richer or poorer? POORER!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
freelance AD-ing for movie projects.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
bitching.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
did it. at home. not much fanfare. with family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
yes

23. How many one-night stands?
none!

24. What was your favorite TV program?
wala e.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
wala naman. free your heart from hatred, sabi ng pari.

26. What was the best book you read?
the lovely bones

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
t-rex!

28. What did you want and got?
i wanted the scholarship. i really, really wanted it! and i got it, thank god :-)

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
andaming maganda e

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
was working in zambales on my birthday. i turned 27.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
love.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
you're never too physically imperfect to wear skirts!

34. What kept you sane?
family and friends!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
hmm. daniel craig. clive owen. john lloyd cruz.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Glorietta 2 bombing and the manila pen fiasco.

37. Who did you miss?
my friends and co-workers from the Dream Team.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
my MDAFI classmates!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
worrying is an indicator that you're lacking in trust and faith--in other people, in god.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
...and i thank god i'm alive, you're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off you

masayang masayang masayang christmas sa inyong lahat

7 hours before christmas.

unsurprisingly, hindi ko maramdaman. last year, for emotional reasons. this year, for practical reasons naman.

ang nararamdaman ko, yung gastos. yung limited funds for such a traditionally grandiose season. kaya ang pasko ko this year, simple. hindi galante. next year na lang ako babawi. harinawa, next year, babawi ang tadhana sa akin. at ibabalik ko sa kapwa ko ang lahat ng mga mabubuti at masasayang bagay na ibibigay ng diyos.

nararamdaman ko din yung pagkaaligaga. dahil hindi bakasyon ang holidays this year. maraming gagawin, para sa skwela, at para na rin sa karaketang magiging pag-asa ng aming media noche. eto ang mga kaganapan sa mga susunod na araw:

dec 26.
kelangang malagyan na ng "check" ang lahat ng practical items sa checklist na gagawin ko for my december 27 shoot. kelangang balikan ko ang konsepto, balikan ang rason kung bakit sya ang pinili kong gawin, kung bakit ako naniniwala na dapat syang gawin at karapat-dapat namang mapanood onscreen. nalunod na kasi ako sa mga gawain at pangyayari ng past several weeks. i need to go back to organic mode.
on the other hand, kelangan ko ding maghanap ng extra funding para sa nakikinita kong gastusin sa december 27.

dec 27.
shoot ko. god-willing, with god's grace, matapos sya on time at makuha ko ang intention ko.

dec 28.
shoot for the comedian-child star movie. kelangan namin ang isang araw na to. kelangan ko din to. sana hindi kami umagahin. birthday pa naman ng direktor, sana magaan ang shoot.

dec 29.
supporting actress mode sa shoot ng isa kong kaklase. workshop for another classmate's film. pagkatapos ng lahat-lahat, lilipad ako papuntang boni for THE racket. magdamagan na ito. magdadala na ko ng damit at iba pang kailangan para sa...

dec 30.
lead actress mode sa shoot ng isa ko pang kaklase. malamang puyat-puyatan ako dito pero sige lang go. tutal burnout hooker naman ang role. haha. sana lang magawan ng milagro ni fashion artiste g@bb ang mga raccoon circles ko sa mata, kung sakali.
pagkatapos ng shoot#1, shoot#2 naman. supporting actress role din, dapat kikay. good luck. pagkatapos kong "ma-gangbang", magpapa-cute naman ako ke m@rco @bay@. awww. crush ko yun dati.
at pagkatapos ng shoots lipad na ko papunta sa kung saan. star city ito? dolphin park? marikina riverbanks? (erm, sana wag naman). bahala na. basta ang role ko, leading lady sa tunay na buhay. haha.

dec 31.
sana naman masaya ako pagtungtong ng bagong taon. last year masaya ko. masayang takot sa pagiging masaya ko. this year, sana masaya ko dahil masaya ang buhay. hindi perpekto, pero masaya. sana natapos ko ang shoot ko nang happy ako sa kinalabasan. sana natapos ko on time ang racket nung dec 29 (at kaliwaan mode ang compensation). sana naging masaya ang december 30, kahit haggard ang schedule. sana masaya ang mga magulang ko sa magiging contribution ko sa media noche. sana maraming lusis at fountain at roman candle. basta sana masaya!

so goodluck sa remaining days of 2008. magiging haggard pero sana masaya, every single day, every step of the way. dahil malakas ang pananalig ko na magiging mas maganda pa ang 2008 para sa kin. at para sa pamilya ko. at para sa lahat ng mga kakilala kong nagsakripisyo at nagsugal ng panahon, pera, kakayahan, at emosyon sa ngalan ng pangarap. at pag-ibig. :-)

MERRY CHRISTMAS, WORLD! :-D

busybee days

happenings of yesterday:

4 pm, petruss cafe. pictorial with main cast for the Drill Shoot on the 27th. pictures will be used as props.

6 pm, abscbn. meeting with the PD penguin regarding the Drill's production design. we did our thing while waiting for waterfowl to finish the soap opera meeting. my first time to order something at seemingly upscale Gram's. the hot chocolate was lustworthy.

7 pm, 15th floor. the first sweetest five minutes of the day.

730 pm, taxicab. waterfowl, penguin, and i were on our way to friend beatlebum's birthday dinner at Dampa in ortigas. but i still had a meeting to attend to. they dropped me off at robinson's galleria.

8 pm, toys r us. dropped by to hug my favorite cousin, whom i haven't seen in quite a while. glad that she's looking okay.

830 pm, gloria jean's coffee. meeting for possible moolah. got homework over the holidays.

9 pm, dampa. beatlebum's birthday dinner. met friends whom i haven't seen in a while. pictorial galore.

12 midnight, centerstage videoke bar. the fun continues. the bear dropped by at around 2.

happenings of today:

12 noon, jusmag compound. hindi lang pala ang mga may time card ang may ham. swifts lang ang ham, pero ham pa rin sya. got my very own ham before the ham-distributor's lunch break cutoff (thank you, alvin!).

1 pm, i have two eggs resto. caldereta lunch with the bear. yummy.

2 pm, megamall. nakipag-eyeball ang bear with fellow toy-natics. tagged along to a mini-bazaar of toys n stuff. meryenda of krispy kreme. shopping for little odds and ends.

5 pm, shuttle service terminal. pooped. there was to be a premiere of the new movie from the mother company at 7 and a christmas party with classmates at 9; decided to skip both. not feeling well and wanted to end the day early. bye-bye is a semi-sad moment, each time.

7 pm, home. saw sky high on disney channel. loved it.

happenings of tomorrow:

2 pm, kopiroti katipunan. production meeting for the shoot on the 27th.

7 pm, megamall. premiere night of the compost movie.

so much to do for the 2pm thingie tomorrow. and my body's begging me to kiss the world goodnight right now. so maybe i'll indulge, and compensate for the sloth by waking up early tomorrow morning.

lord, i pray. two prayers. sana. at sana.

christmas prayer granted

ask and you shall receive. super thank you, lord!

* * *

ambilis ng mga araw. suddenly my calendar's stuffed til dec 27. parties, meetings, preprod thingies for my dec 27 shoot. i'm scared, but i'm praying to god na sana maganda ang kalabasan. please lord. new year's prayer ko na lang. please.


* * *

today, pictorial. and maybe a meeting with my PD (penguin designer). haha.

* * *

thank you so much, lord!

christmas prayer

countdown to christmas: 8 days.
for the first time in years, i am two opposite things this christmas.
well. life. long term versus short term. and i know i will always want--always pray--for long term, when it comes to the good things in life. in every aspect. material and non-material.

may shoot kami bukas. christmas party pa naman sa school. work versus school na naman. awu-awoo. syempre work ang pipiliin ko. pagdating lang naman sa mga christmas parties. at sa mga panahong ito.

praying. praying. the lord is listening. i know.

countdown to my short film shoot: 10 days.
taena. ngayon ko lang na-realize. at least ok na ang cast ko. ok na ang staff ko. may shotlist at shooting schedule na. nasulat na ang location and equipment reservation forms at naipadala na. meeting na lang with staff and crew. at music recording concerns. at mini-workshop with the two main actors.

hindi ko pa nababasa ang buong script for work. for the money. let's DOH it.

patience. i easily run out of it these days. which equates to stress and anger. and all other emotions getting the best of me.

no thanks to trillanes and his hooligans. something i've been hoping for has been set for much later. nanggulo lang kayo e. nanakot lang kayo ng mga tagalabas. mga anarkista kayo, taena nyo.

buti pa ang mga may office space, may ham.
buti pa ang mga may time card, may bonus.

AD jobs in school. i finished two. i was happy about yesterday, as opposed to the other day. i was breathing the role. kumbaga sa makina, bagong langis. in tiptop shape. unlike the other day.

playground. school is a playground, but the jungle is where the money is.

lord, i pray.

and that's what i'm feeling right now

mixed emotions from the past week.
andaming iniisip, andaming nangyayari at mangyayari pa.
siguro kasi matagal-tagal na rin akong hindi nagmu-multiple mind-tasking kaya windang ako.

pero ngayon ide-dedicate ko ang entry na to, hindi sa mga bagay na iniisip kundi sa mga nararamdaman. parang acting exercise. feelings are the essence, not the thoughts.

kagabi, sa trabaho. first time ko uling mag-shoot on a professional set after about three weeks of focusing on school. ibang klase ang pagod na mararamdaman mo para sa isang bagay na mahal mo kumpara sa isang bagay na ginagawa mo dahil sa pera. alas dos pa lang ng umaga, lowbatt ka na. pagod ka na. scriptcon instincts. hindi yon kakabit ng pagkatao mo, pero dun ka binabayaran. at for the first time naamin mo sa sarili mo na mas importante nga pala sa yo--sa ngayon--ang pera. kahit labag sa loob mo, materyoso ka pa rin pala talaga.

ironically, wala kang drive para mag-effort at maghanap ng opportunities kung saan makakahakot ka ng sandamukal na pera. kung mage-effort ka man, halfhearted ka. siguro dahil alam mong nakatali ka pa rin, at hindi pwedeng mag-commit sa isang jealous and demanding mistress of a job. kaya gusto mo na lang ipasa-Diyos lahat. gusto mo na lang mag-rely sa luck at sa divine will. for what reason, hindi mo alam. at wala ka na ring lakas na i-analyze ang sarili mo para malaman.

at 3 am, mari-realize mo na wala na ang puso mo sa trabahong nakatulong na bumuhay sa yo for the past few years. you're where you want to be, but not doing what you really want to do. na ok lang naman for a while, pero nakarating ka sa puntong hindi ka na excited. hindi mo na maramdaman ang sense of adventure, yung sense of exploring something new. at pera na lang talaga ang nagiging be all end all ng lahat. ironically, hindi naman kalakihan ang binabayad nila sa yo. at gustuhin mo mang mag-explore ng ibang opportunities, hindi ito ang tamang panahon. nakatali ka sa isang bagay na magiging pag-asa mo. para matupad ang mga pangarap, hindi rin. you carry no illusions about what you're about to get into, from the moment that you signed on that contract. at mari-realize mo na siguro, gusto mo lang talagang yumaman. gusto mong magka-CRV. gusto mong mabili ang lahat ng gusto mo. gusto mong mag-provide para sa pamilya mo. gusto mong mag-enjoy sa trabaho mo kahit papano and at the same time kumita ng malaki.

middle ground. compromise. everything in life is a compromise. may mga bagay sa buhay na hindi makukuha sa passions alone. o sa pagiging "extremist" for the sake of passion.

at 4 am, pagod ka na. wala ka nang kilala, wala ka nang kinakausap, hindi ka na makangiti. biglang papasok sa isip mo ang mga bagay na dapat gawin for skwela. mga bagay na gagawin mo for passion's sake. ang saya nga naman talaga, going to school and doing the things you're tasked to do, not thinking about what you're going to get in return. not thinking about grades, or feedback. not thinking of reactionary results. and to think na someone once said na napaka-"I Have to Win" ng personality ko. being in school again somehow changed all that.

at 6 am, packup na kayo. umuwi ka ng mabigat ang pakiramdam, at hindi mo alam kung bakit. ayaw mong isipin ang susunod na shooting schedule nyo, dahil you're not looking forward to it. pero gusto mong makapag-shoot na uli kayo, kasi kelangan. kelangan mo. for money's sake.

hindi na katulad ng dati ang buhay mo dahil sa skwela, pero naging simbolo na sya ng napakaraming bagay sa yo. para syang isang taong nagbawal ng maraming bagay sa buhay mo, nag-impose ng maraming rules, naging rason kung bakit kelangan mong mag-cut off ng ties from many people you've known in your recent life, pero mahal mo sya. dahil andami mong giniveup para sa kanya, dahil andami mo nang sinakripisyong opportunities, dahil somehow minulat ka nya sa katotohanan na niloloko mo lang ang sarili mo, na being where you want to be won't bring the same kind of happiness as doing what you really want to do.

short term happiness in favor of the long term one. isn't that what school is about.

hindi ko rin naiwasan. nagfocus pa rin ako sa thoughts. ano nga bang nararamdaman ko? ganun pa rin. pinapasa-diyos ko na rin lang lahat. dahil feeling ko, most of the happy things that have happened in my life weren't really my own doing. luck, and god, had a lot to do with it.

and that's what i'm feeling right now.

mundane night

splittin' headache night.
drowned out by TTDs. two kinda urgent assistant-directing class projects to do something about, and then some. a script to finish reading in time for the Comedian-Child Star shoot this tuesday.
and above all this--i know i shouldn't think about it yet, but still--my impending shoot on december 29.

and so it's only half past twelve but my head is craving for lights-out already. paperwork, reading assignment, blah blah blah.

tomorrow is another day. thank god.

* * *

day 4 na tomorrow. i'm counting days again, and it's not a healthy sign. remember what you were before you started counting 'em like sheep over the fence. you will only get bored. and exasperated. and get yourself in that ugly i-can't-wait-and-i-hate-myself kinda rut again.

* * *

i'm reminded of an ex-crush: E, my assistant director in the Cebu movie. my "Sayang Ka Sister" Awardee for 2004. my gaydar had twitched wildly on first meeting but i'd chosen to ignore it. now he's got pictures of him and another guy on his fwendster album. yihee. i knew i'd been right. of course the gaydar had been right. pero ang guwapo ngayon ng bakla. bwiset. haha.

tonight he messaged me. andami ko daw raket, manlibre daw ako. haha. parang gusto ko tuloy syang utangan. at sinabi ko talaga yon: psst sister pajutang naman o. pa-joke, syempre.

* * *

next week i'm seeing FG again, after around 6 months. may jowa na raw uli ang loley. isa pa rin to sa mga iniyakan ko talaga noon. ang guwapo din kasi. haha. guwapo na may salamin na tahimik na mukhang mapagkakatiwalaan. pero eventually narealize ko din na mas mahilig pa syang magtaas ng kilay kesa sa akin. at pareho kami ng cheek tint na ginagamit. nyaha.

* * *

hay. mundane. my comfort zone. always been afraid to leave it. and so i stick to the mundane, because they are easier to deal with. because not going beyond the day-to-day preoccupations, using work as an excuse, i am somehow assured that i am getting things done, that i am getting somewhere, somehow. maybe, but not to the There that i really want to be. to admit to myself that i'd been fooling myself all along took some courage, but to do something about passiveness and unproducivity will take much more than courage.

what, then? don't know. i just know that i'll always have it in my heart to want to jump on that train someday. but intention is a whole lifetime away from action.

* * *

i just realized something. maybe three, four months ago. gusto ko ng pera sa pasko. maraming, maraming pera.

natanso ako

for many months now, nasa tuktok ng list of Movies to Look Forward To ko ang
"Golden Compass". kasi, from what i'd seen in the trailers, sya yung tipo ng pelikulang pwede kong ihanay sa "Neverending Story", "Legend", at "Labyrinth"--movies that i got lost in, as a child. na-miss ko rin yung mga ganong pelikula, yung mga panahong yon. na pag manonood ako ng pelikula, buong puso akong naniniwala sa mundong pinapakita sa kin, hindi ako nagki-critique, naga-analyze, o nag-iisip kung ano bang nangyayari sa likod ng camera.

finally, napanood ko na ang Golden Compass kahapon. sobrang disappointed ako. i was prepared to get lost in it. i was prepared to set all my "adult" sensibilities aside. kaso binigo ako. hindi ako kumagat sa mundo. maganda ang special effects. maganda ang CGIs. maganda ang itsura ng buong pelikula. pero hindi ako kumagat.

siguro kung napanood ko to nung 8 years old ako, baka gustong gusto ko din sya. o siguro hindi. kasi above and beyond everything else, storya pa rin ang magdadala sa isang pelikula. primal need yon ng isang manonood. kahit batang 8 years old alam kung aling pelikula ang puro pa-epek lang at kung alin ang hindi.

so siguro kung 8 years old ako at napanood ko ang "Golden Compass" ngayon, mamamangha ako sa special effects, sa polar bears na nagsasalita, sa barkong lumilipad. pero pag lumaki na ko, makakalimutan ko rin sya. kasi hindi buo ang storya. parang prelude lang sa isang part two. eh hindi ko naman alam na magkaka-part two pala ang Golden Compass nung pumasok ako sa sinehan, kaya hindi hinanda ang loob ko. kaya feeling ko, harang. bitin. shortchanged ako. hindi pa nga ako nakasakay sa concerns ng bidang batang babae, tapos na ang pelikula. ano ba yon? nakakadisillusion.

ang guwapo pa naman ni daniel craig. kaso ni wala pa yatang 20 minutes ang onscreen appearance nya. at sa 20 minutes na yon hindi ko nakilala ang character nya. kahit si nicole kidman na uber ganda at talagang lumalamon ng mga kasama nya sa screen, payak pa rin sa mata ko ang character nya. ultimong bida nga, hindi ako endeared. hindi sya naging tao sa mata ko. mas naging tao pa nga yung polar bear na kaibigan nya.

hay. sana hinintay ko na lang sa DVD ang pelikulang to. at ang DVD din ng sequel nya.

do you know a little girl who loves to act?

friends, i need your help! first directing project ko po ito for school! would be really grateful if you know the perfect little girl who play a key role in my short film.

she should be-

-morena,
-7-8 years old (or who looks this age),
-small to medium build,
-can act. previous acting experience not necessary.

she'll be with us in a 4-hour video shoot on december 29, saturday, 9am-2pm. transpo, food, and an honorarium on us. if you know anyone, kindly email me at keanu_dudette@yahoo.com. mas maganda po kung may pictures nang kasama. :-)

kindly forward na rin po to your friends, colleagues, lovers, acquaintances. thanks mucho!

all i want for christmas

since a lotta friends i know have cast their own wishlists out into the open sky, might as well join dee bendwegon.

My Wish List for 2007:
1. eye makeup in shades of pink (not too pink), bronze (warm natural colors), and blue (not the opaque, "SM saleslady" kind)
2. pink-tinted Chapstick
3. pilot sign pen (black, .05)
4. hair blower
5. Bourne Conspiracy DVD
6. Bourne Ultimatum DVD
7. johnson's baby powder (blossom)
8. an iPod or MP3 player
9. a jacket (small)
10. CD rack
11. gift certificate to any clothing boutique or department store
12. glutathione
13. an organizer for 2008
14. jasmine or citrus oils for my oil burner
15. collar for my dog
16. litterbox for my cats
17. CSI DVD
18. a hamper
19. gift certificate to Enchanted Kingdom
20. Gloc 9 bonnet (no prints please; preferably white/cream/beige/black)
21. any book about Film Directing
22. Private Joyce brassiere with underwiring (32C)
23. Vitamin C
24. Blue Feather or Cattleya notebook (preferably not spiral)
25. U2 CD containing the song "With or Without You"
26. Yeng Constantino CD
27. a beautiful black cat or kitten (kahit walang breeding!)
28. a shoulder- or sling-bag from American Boulevard
29. In2It 2-way foundation (the one with the pink cover; natural shade)
30. a portable transistor radio
31. glow-in-the-dark thingies
32. bedside lampshade (small)
33. cosmopolitan magazine
34. a backpack
35. American Boulevard rubber shoes (size 5/12)
36. a comforter
37. movie posters of: 1) Nasaan Ka Man, 2) tXt, 3) Saigon Eclipse, 4) Resiklo, 5) Endo, 6) Angels, 7) The Promise, 8) Gee-Gee at Waterina, 9) Roxxxanne, 10) Troika, 11) Paraiso, 12) Pinoy Big Brother Celebrity Edition 1, 13) Qpids, 14) Shake, Rattle, and Roll 9
38. highlighter pen
39. pencils
40. pentel pen
41. staplewires (smallest)
42. big beads to wear around the neck
43. big silver "rocker chick" earrings
44. face towels
45. gift certificate at any restaurant
46. DVDs of any movie directed by Pedro Almodovar or Alejandro Gonzales Innaritu
47. turtle neck sweater
48. DVD-Rs
49. clapper board
50. a toilet seat (...not!)

pag may naisip pa ko sa list ko, will do a part two. hehe.
non-material wish list to come later!

iska ako kaya ayoko sa curfew

i'm done.
emailed the dang thing at 10 pm. fear sometimes drives you towards productivity (albeit belated). fear, and two cups of coffee, and half a dozen yosis in a span of five hours.
sana walang major comments or revisions. sana go na agad.

* * *

apolitical akong tao pero naloka ako sa mga pangyayari ngayong araw na to. umagang-umaga biglang nagmarakulyo na naman daw ang magdalo gang. tapos kung sinu-sino ang mga inaresto, pati mga civilian. tapos biglang may curfew 12mn onwards. smells real fishy. wala akong pakialam on ordinary days pero natatakot ako sa martial rule. kasi lahat ng tao maaapektuhan, kahit yung mga walang pakialam.

sana wag naman.

* * *

ayoko ng curfew. lalo na ang curfew na sa yo lang applied. yung curfew ng mga magulang mong nagiging OA ang concern sa safety mo habang tumatanda ka. ngek, baliktad di ba? ilang beses na ba kong umuwi ng beyond 2 am nung 23-26 years old ako? and they didn't mind. ngayon gusto nilang nasa bahay ako ng before 1 am or umuwi na lang daw ako ng umaga na, dahil ayaw nilang nagta-travel ako nang madaling araw.

tapos pag umaga ka naman uuwi, magagalit pa rin sa yo. paghihinalaan ka ng kung anu-ano. anuba naman ang tamang gawin? ilang taon na nga ba ko?

kelan nga ba matatanggap ng isang magulang na malaki na ang anak nila? na may sarili nang capacities para ipagtanggol ang sarili/dumiskarte sa buhay/gumawa ng sariling desisyon tungkol sa ilang aspeto ng buhay? kelan ba matatanggap ng isang magulang na hindi habang panahong naka-angkla sa kanila ang isang anak, na nagbabago ang panahon at kasama dun ang pananaw ng isang tao?

i'm sad about this. dahil wala naman akong ginagawang mali. and yet somehow i'm being made to feel na meron.

* * *

dahil masaya kong natapos ko na ang assignment ko, sasagot ako ng survey. nakuha ko to ke waterfowl. na-miss ko na rin ang mga surveys na tulad neto.

1. Student #? - 97-11009

2. College? - CMC

3. Ano ang course mo? - BA Film

4. Nag-shift ka ba o na-kick out? - nag-shift ako from Speech Comm to Film

5. Saan ka kumuha ng UPCAT? - Institute of Chemistry

6. Favorite GE Subject? - Hum 1 (love ko ang writing noon kaya nahumaling ako dito). PI 100 (uma-"I have to win" ako sa subject na to noon, hehe).

7. Favorite PE? - Social Dance (masarap lang dumancing-dancing sa tanghaling tapat). bowling (kaka-high pag mataas ang score mo! feeling Queen of the Duckpins ka, haha)

8. Saan ka nag-aabang ng hot babe/men sa UP? - hot gays, oo. sa CMC annex lobby. masilayan lang namin ang pagtawid nya mula sa Film Dept papunta sa kotse nya, buo na ang araw namin

9. Favorite Prof(s)- Nic Tiongson!

10. Pinaka-ayaw na GE subject - Math 1, STS, Kas1

11. Kumuha ka ba ng Wed or Sat classes? - yup

12. Nakapag-field trip ka ba? - required sa Kas1. ang boring ko talaga nun. Between Banahaw and Bulacan Bulacan ang pinili ko. Parang yung kasyongahan ko nang pinili ko ang Span over French na language elective.

13. Naging CS ka na ba or US sa UP? - oo. pero sbi nga ni maryrose, it's no mean feat. especially sa UP CMC

14. Ano ang org/frat/soro mo? - UP CAST

15. Saan ka tumatambay palagi? - CMC under the skywalk

16. Dorm, Boarding House o bahay? - bahay

17. Kung walang UPCAT at malaya kang nakapili ng kurso mo sa UP, ano yun? (Given ang mentality mo nung HS ka) - malamang creative writing. pero convinced ako noon na walang pera doon

18. Sino ang pinakauna mong nakilala sa UP? - si Mae. yung blockmate ko. pareho kaming lost.

19. First play na napanood mo sa UP? - nakalimutan ko na. "Libog" ba ni Jun Lana? ata.

20. Name the 5 most coño orgs in UP- di ko alam e. siguro nga yung mga nasa B.A.

21. Name 5 of the coolest orgs/soro/frat in UP - di ko din alam e. antisocial ako non. at wala ding alam sa mga orgs at soros na "in" sa circle

22. May frat/soro bang nagrecruit sa 'yo? - nakalimutan ko na yung pangalan eh.

23. Saan ka madalas mag-lunch? - Casaa (panalo ang chicken roll at salisbury steak. sa CMC canteen.
24. Masaya ba sa UP? - pwede na. isa syang kanlungan.

25. Nakasama ka ba sa rally? - anti-erap rally nung 2001

26. Ilang beses ka bumoto sa student council? - hende ako bumoboto. once lang ata

27. Name at least 5 leftist groups in UP- syonga ko pagdating dyan.

28. Pinangarap mo bang mag-laude nu'ng freshman ka? - pangarap lang oo, pero not something na tatrabahuhin ko talaga at that time.

29. Kanino ka pinaka-patay sa UP? - yung hot gay na inaabangan namin sa CMC annex lobby noon, yung may plate number na tnv 107. tsaka yung matabang teacher na naging textmate ko na ngayon eh takang-taka na lang ako kung bat ko nagustuhan. tsaka oo nga pala yung classmate kong mukhang smurf na mahilig sa checkered polo. awa ng diyos bading pa rin si hot gay ngayon at may asawa't anak na pareho yung top 2 and 3 choices ko. and to think na iniiyakan ko pa silang lahat noon.

30. Kung di ka UP, ano'ng school ka? - ateneo. haha feeling mayaman. buti na lang hindi ako napunta dun. baka ibang tao ako ngayon kung sakali.

dispersed thoughts

1 day to go. and i only have until today to finish what i need to get approved by december 1.

thing is, everything else is easier to do. everything else i find time to do. i'm the problem. and i know i will not stop being mentally dispersed until i've pulled out this gigantic thorn off my side.

it's a thorn, but it's also one of the most important things-to-do in my life right now.

so today. i will finish it today. i have talked with the penguin about it and he's helped me a lot. i only need to get it down in writing. and not friggin pathetically procrastinate.

* * *

yesterday, we were at a grocery store. and a song came in through the speakers. i like this song because i'm reminded of this one time when the person i was with had sung this on videoke, one year ago. and at that time, nagfi-feeling ako na para sa kin yon.

of course i knew that i could've been imagining. didn't he sing "sana dalawa ang puso ko" at another time, and didn't he say that it was just one of those songs that he liked, for no other reason but that he could sing along with it well? so i knew. that this song, about love and waiting and uncertainty--absolutely jologs and drowned out by its contemporaries during that time--could be special only to me. and not to the person who was the reason why the song was special to me.

"gusto ko tong song na to." i told him, nonetheless. it was irony. because i was sure he wouldn't be able to guess why.

he chuckled. paused. "oo, maganda yan."

i sensed that his reaction was loaded with meaning. bigla akong nag-jealous jowa mode, and snapped back--sweetly, jokingly--"bakit, kanino mo dine-dedicate yang kantang yan, ha?"

"sa yo!" he replied laughingly.

that made me laugh, too. outwardly. inwardly, kinilig ako. haha. yung klase ng kilig na nararamdaman ng isang schoolgirl nung ma-discover nyang crush din pala sya ng crush nya. yung klase ng kilig na makaka-distract sa yo (momentarily), at sasarilinin mo dahil nakakahiyang malaman ng taong kinauukulan na ganon ka ka-corny at ganon kadaling magpadala sa musheries such as a love song.

hindi pala ko nagfi-feeling nung gabing yon. haha. pessimism sometimes yields to pleasant surprises.

my memory of france

i love france.

to me, it represents fulfilled dreams.

i was there once. i had only realized how golden and rare that experience was when i had already gotten home. but i was a little girl lost back then. first time out of the country, alone. the whole thing was just too...vast and complex for my little girl's mind to take in and enjoy at the same time.

if i had been given the chance to go to france today, maybe i would have appreciated it differently. i would have done things differently. but the memory of that trip three years ago still transports me to a time when all my dreams seemed to be within my reach.

i still dream of going back to france. back to the dreams that i once had, and hope to have again.

Ten Things I Want to Do During the Christmas Holidays

1. Frolic in that new Winter Wonderland amusement place near Mall of Asia (snow! snow! kahit fake, go!)
2. Ride the Roller Coaster in Enchanted Kingdom (i absolutely hate it and would never want to ride it. but!)
3. Go Christmas shopping for myself, my loved ones, and friends (haaaay. Lord, sana magawa ko to in grandiose fashion)
4. Experience Baguio at its coldest (and loveliest)
5. Efficiently and effectively mount my first director's school film (please Lord! please!)
6. Have a happier-than-happy anniversary celebration
7. Visit someone's family (with happy results) for the first time
8. Earn money for the holidays
9. Receive gifts that i would really want to have, material and non-material (wish list entry to come zooon)
10. Go to Palawan and Zambales (adventure to cap the year! please please!)

acting 102

pero nae-enjoy kong mag-artista. kahit artista-artistahan lang, i.e. sa acting workshops in school o sa drills ng mga classmates ko, o kahit bit part sa pelikulang kasama ko sa production sa staff. di ko mapinpoint exactly kung bakit. dahil siguro vain ako at gusto kong makita ang sarili ko sa screen? hindi din, kasi dun sa 3ndo, ang chaka chaka ko at embarrassing experience each time napapanood ko dun ang sarili ko. dahil siguro exhibitionist ako? kasi nga naman kelangang maghubo't hubad ng pagkatao pag umaarte ka? hmm, ito nga ang pinaka-hate kong part di ba?

ewan. basta challenging sya in ways na di ko ma-describe. parang gusto kong ulit-ulitin. gusto ko syang karirin in a not-so-karir way, if that makes any sense. karirin na hindi gagawing career. pampasaya lang, pampachallenge.

kahapon nag-one-man-on-stage acting kami sa klase. tinawag ako. actually two weeks ago ko pa pinraktis yung monologue ng character na napili ko, kaya kabisadong-kabisado ko. hehe. pero taena ang hirap pala pag solo ka na. lalo na pag andun yung direktor ng pelikula kung san kinuha yung monologue na gagawin mo. ngyarr. binlock out ko na lang ang mga mukha. nagfocus ako sa isa, yung mentor sa gitna ng classroom. pokpok na cynical yung role ko. gusto nila akong mag-isip ng isang bagay na cynical ang attitude ko, at mag-isip ng taong kinaiinggitan ko, kasi ganun yung nasa monologue.

nahirapan akong hindi mag-isip. eh mali yun, hindi dapat nag-iisip. dapat nararamdaman mo lang. at hindi ka nag-eedit. hindi ko alam kung tama ang ginawa ko, after so many revealing things that i said (supposedly to the imaginary person na kausap ko at pinagsasabihan ko), sabi ng mentor, switch to the monologue. eh at that time na sinabi nya yun feeling ko hindi pa ko talagang ANDUN. may "pag-iisip" factor pa rin at hindi pa ko nagba-blackout into pure unthinking, untainted feeling.

at some point, pinutol ako. dagdagan ko daw. kasi yung character, sexy. sexy in a brutal way. nag-introduce ng bagong Choice Approach technique chenes. mag-isip daw ako ng isang bagay o konsepto that makes me feel sexy. savagely sexy na dangerous in a brutal way. haha. taena, humihingi ako ng tulong dun sa kaklase naming magaling umarte. panu ba maging savagely sexy na dangerous in a brutal way sa harap ng tatlumpung tao? maging sexy nga lang sa harap ng salamin ang hirap na. pero tinry ko, sige, inisip ko, isang sex shop sa malate. sex yun, pero brutal. ok go.

nagresume ako sa monologue-from-real-life. ilang beses akong tumigil at nagback-to-scratch. kasi ang hirap talagang iwasan mag-isip. at some point, inutusan na kong tumuloy sa monologue. siguro nagmamadali na, o siguro tama na yung timpla ng mukha ko. tensyonado na ko sa mga basurang pinagsasasabi ko sa monologue-from-real-life that i'd been spurting out. tinodo ko na lang ang focus dun sa assigned monologue ko, all the while trying to be savagely sexy na dangerous in a brutal way. haha.

i doubt kung na-accomplish ko yung sexy factor. hindi nagwork yung sex shop concept. pineke ko na lang sa konting bukaka ng katawan at sa pagkakaupo ko. pero tinodo ko ang tensyon. lahat ng bitterness na nararamdaman ko, lahat ng cynicism about a certain subject matter, chinannel ko sa mata at boses ko.

ironically, despite the tension and nervousness, na-enjoy ko. uber. yung proseso. yung paglalabas ng angst in the disguise of another character. may nagcomment na kaibigan ko na sobrang layo daw sa real-life character ko yung performance ko. surprised ako sa sinabi nya, kasi feeling ko nga ang lapit lapit. sa pagiging dark at angst-ridden at negative at cynical. siguro nga paiba-iba ko ng personality, depende sa mood at kasama. siguro me MPD ako na hindi pa lang masyadong malala. haha.

naalala ko na nung bata ako, gusto ko pala talagang mag-artista. kaya ako sumasali sa penpen de sarapen as one of the multitudinous kids' crowd sa broadcast city. at some point, gusto kong sumunod sa yapak ni aiza seguerra. bumalik yung feeling at that moment, na ang sarap nga palang maging artista. yung tunay na artista, hindi yung showbiz na nagpapa-cute sa camera at tumatanggap ng limpak limpak na pera.

pero syempre, nun lang yun. nung matapos na yung turn ko, balik na ko sa "now" mode. at ang "now" mode, tanggap sa sarili nyang ilan lang sa mundong to ang pwedeng gawing profession ang acting. at mas konti pa ang mga taong pwedeng gawing profession at vocation ang acting. at kung magpipilit kang gawing vocation and profession ang acting, kelangang maging willing kang maghubo't hubad ng pagkatao mo on a regular basis. na wiz ko naman gustong gawin. enjoy ko sya pero hindi ko sya ganon ka-enjoy para i-pursue sya nang todo-todo.

pero enjoy talaga, lalo na pag sa skwela. next week, dalawang acting roles ang na-assign sa kin. magkaibang characters, yung isa Manang na nainlab sa manekin tas yung isa Bulag na Gustong MAgkaBoypren. haha. ang saya no! sana lang hindi maapektuhan ang pagiging camera operator ko for the first time dahil sa mga acting assignments ko. ang isa sa mga kinakatakot ko eh baka mas makarir ko pa ang pag-aartista. hehe.

acting101

ayokong mag-artista. kelangan mong i-reveal ang sarili mo nang todo sa madlang people. unlike directing, pwede kang mamili kung anong gusto mong i-reveal, at kung how much ang gusto mong i-reveal. pero ang pag-aartista, nire-require kang mag-bare ng kaluluwa mo--hubo't hubad, walang tinatago--dahil nakasalalay dun ang believability at honesty ng trabaho mo.

wishlist

top five places to go:
1. palawan
2. cebu
3. zambales
4. batanes
5. anywhere in mindanao proper

goodluck to me...but getting at least 3 out of 5 wouldn't be so bad :-)

retro-ing on a rainy day

lovely rainy afternoon.

got a meeting today at 5 pm. at the kapamilya homebase. i love the kapamilya homebase, almost like a second home.

i backed out of something last night. after hours of dwelling over how to work it out. there are some setups wherein much would be required of you--time, effort, mental work--and you would find yourself resisting. to give what you're expected to give. because there are other priorities, other things to busy yourself with. and so you bail out.

now i get it. why some people wouldn't make the leap. why someone, one year ago, probably sensed that being in a certain setup would require him to devote so much of what is his--time, effort, emotions--and he resisted. like how he probably had resisted in many other cases.

haha. i've met these types before. different characters of the same mold.

but that's what it is about. kaya ka nagpapakasal, nanliligaw, o nagpapakahirap na igapang ang isang project. committing yourself to something is about giving AND getting. in this case, i wanted the money. but to get it i had to sweat it out. and then i realized that i didn't really want the money that much if i had to sweat it out that much. same goes for all the so-called free spirits out there, who feel that the prize at the end of the day is not going to be worth the effort they would be required to put in.

nothing personal. pero ayokong maging unfair. i cannot give myself 100%.

ganun din siguro ang rationale ng iba. ngayon mas naiintindihan ko na. and it doesn't really matter anyway, because i don't need to understand anymore.

* * *

shet! it's 3:10. it's raining still. it looks like 7 am outside. i don't want to be late.

excited. managing stress. futilely.

how do i manage stress? i ignore it and stick to my comfort zone. and it's the wrongest way to deal with it, if i am to get anywhere in this still-so-young life.

excited. about a number of things. promising things.

but i know i can't live life the way i lived it in november 2006. hindi na ko pwedeng tumilapon kung saan-saan. nakatali ako ngayon, conceptually. for a greater good, eventually. hopefully.

hay, these are limbo-esque times.

pero happy. dahil naniniwala ako kay lord. that he's looking after me.

90/10 principle for the spoiled little brat

i remember the 90/10 principle.
90 percent daw of what happens in our lives stems from how we react to things, and 10 percent stems from what we somekinda cannot control.
so it's our attitude that can either make or break our day.

may problema yata ako sa attitude. cause habang tumatagal lumalala ang pagiging pessimist ko.

marami din akong pwede gawing interpretations sa 90/10. maganda syang combination of numbers.

* * *

last night i went to the wrap party. party mode, pusturada with matching girlygirl skirt. i stuck out like a sore thumb. haha. pano ba naman kasi ang inexpect kong party, nasa isang madilim na lugar, yung tipong me strobe lights at pwedeng dumancing-dancing, at sa sobrang dilim hindi na masyadong mapapansin ang mga piso sa pata-tim kong mga binti. eh kaso ang liwanag pala. parang may binyag sa function room na yon!

not entirely bad. na-conscious lang ako. kasi laging nangyayari to, na pag me katrabaho ako sa shoot na makikita ako in cleaned up, Not-Working mode, nagugulat. uy, nakaskirt ka? uy, me makeup? uy, pwede ka palang magmukhang tao? flattering siguro kung hindi ko lang alam na kinukumpara nila ko sa itsura ko pag nasa shooting kami. hehe.

at the end of the night, i was bored to death. alang nangyayari. pagkatapos ng kainan, beso-beso ang mga taartits, at kaming mga staffers tunganga factor in between sips of beer and red wine. i started wishing that i were somewhere else, savoring the peace and quiet of a Sunday night.

* * *

i won't deny it. that i'm sad about the time factor. that, despite the fact that my mind understands, nagmamarakulyo pa rin ang Spoiled Little Brat sa loob ko. yung Spoiled Little Brat na hindi nakakaintindi--o ayaw umintindi--ng damdamin at sitwasyon ng iba, at preoccupied lang sa mga pangangailangan at kagustuhan nya. hindi ko sya ipagtatanggol, kasi wala talaga sya sa lugar. at hindi ko sya hinahayaang magmarakulyo beyond the four corners of my psyche, hindi ko sya pinapakilala, dahil magiging unfair sya sa ibang tao.

ako lang siguro ang makakaintindi sa Spoiled Little Brat na to. kung bakit ganon na lang sya magtampo at magmarakulyo. kasi mahal ka nya. at namimiss ka nya. at gusto ka nyang makasama, much more often than what our schedules would allow these days.

90 percent of our happiness stems from how we react. if it were you, maybe you wouldn't be sad. but i have to fight off the Spoiled Little Brat in me each time i miss you. each time i'm compelled to want to see you, but can't, because you have obligations to do. and need to sleep, every once in a while.

hay. 90/10. i just need to remember.

JUMP!

agitated about some things right now. things that i can't identify and pinpoint, or maybe i can, but just don't want to acknowledge right now.

yesterday's class was emotionally exhausting. acting session #1 with two of the industry's acting and directing stalwarts. first time kong nag-acting workshop and i think i sucked. kasi nire-require kami to reveal so much of ourselves, na tanggalin ang hiya.

yun ang matindi kong kalaban. hiya. na kung magde-debrief uli ako, alam kong babarilin ng teachers. because the only failure that you could possibly have in this workshop is if you would not do the exercise at all.

sa reluctance sharing pa lang, andami nang uncomfy sa min, me included. kasi kung physical imperfections reluctance pa lang, i can take up an entire session. pumili lang ako ng 2, pero tip of the iceberg lang yun. i was like a penguin reluctantly revealing the tip of an iceberg but knowing full well that there's an ocean's-breadth of imperfections underneath. ha!ha!

sa sexual reluctance, gusto ko nang maiyak. kasi iba yung magshe-share ka ng info about yourself sa harap ng mga kaibigan mo, o kahit sa isang small pocket of acquaintances. pero in front of an entire class, na kahit dalawa o tatlong buwan mo nang kasama eh kung tutuusin hindi pa enough time para makabond mo silang lahat, it was an ordeal. lalo na sa harap ng dalawang stalwarts na to, na total strangers except for the fact na kilala mo sila for their accomplishments in their careers, ang hirap mag-reveal ng sarili mo. pero actually yung sinabi kong revelation is not something to be shy about. strange nga lang sigurong pakinggan and may inspire an onslaught of follow-up questions, which i was afraid might happen at that time, kaya pinass-the-ball ko na agad sa katabi ko. na mas shocking ang revelation. haha.

sa social reluctance, actually dun ako naiyak. wala lang. kasi isa lang naman ang sini-zero in ko. ako ang taong walang pananalig. hindi issue ng tiwala. trust iba sa faith. at dun na bumubulwak ang sangkaterbang fears at hang-ups.

pero tip of the iceberg pa nga lang yung nagmistulang-bull session na yon. the worst part was the acting exercises. sa anger/rage exercises i misunderstood the instructions. kaya bokya. crayola-in-the-corner lang ang acting ko, which was, like, duh. not listening! sa sillyness exercises, napangunahan ng hiya. bokya pa rin. sabon pa sa debriefing afterwards. sa vulnerability exercises,binigay ko lahat. at na-realize kong mas madali ang umiyak para sa kin kesa magalit o magpakagago. hagulgol ever ako. dun ako sobrang na-drain, emotionally. kasi kahit cathartic sya, masakit pa rin. parang hinigop ang lakas at spiritu mo. sa ego exercises (stand in front and count all your blessings), semi-bokya pa rin. kasi napangunahan na naman ng hiya, dahil yung mga kasabayan ko, mga mahiyaing bata din. kaya feeling ko kung magdadadakdak ako dun ako lang ang sore thumb, at tunog mayabang pa. haha.

all in all, sobrang nahihiya ako na nahiya ako. kasi ang biggest lesson na natutunan ko sa workshop kahapon is that there's no better option but to JUMP without thinking. thinking is inevitable, and you only have about five to ten seconds to make the JUMP, dahil eventually, you will get to thinking. at dun ka na dadatnan ng takot at hiya.

so ayun. kakapagod. pero sige, bring it on. hindi ko planong gawing career ang acting pero gusto kong makuha yung mga techniques na maaring makatulong sa isang artista para makuha nila ang effect na kelangan ng isang eksena. at sabi nga nila, you have to experience acting to be able to become a good director. so sige, next time, jump na lang ng jump.

hehe. mas madaling isipin kesa gawin. dahil kalkulado ko halos lahat ng mga desisyong ginagawa ko sa everyday life.

* * *

agitated pa rin. about a lot of things. dahil hindi pa nasusulat ang assignment. dahil me party mamaya na ayaw kong puntahan (pero sayang ang pa-last day, kung meron man). dahil work gets in the way of life. and happiness. dahil meron akong masamang panaginip kagabi. dahil nahihilo ako sa yosing sunud-sunod. dahil carcinogenic daw ang MSG sa noodles, junk food, at canned goods.

hay. life. gusto ko pang mabuhay nang matagal.

out of sight, out of mind

tick,tock.
hindi ko pa natatapos yung bago kong concept paper for school. huhu.
ayoko kasing harapin.
mas gusto ko pang magblog.

kasi naman e. dapat me deadline.
disiplina lang siguro talaga.
i will set a deadline for myself.

* * *

kahapon i met with my AD for the compost project. sinamahan lang nya kong magpa-encash ng last two paychecks namin. hay. goodbye compost na talaga...money-wise.

sabi nya, gagawa daw ng movie uli yung direk namin, hindi naman sya pwedeng mag-AD for him dun dahil busy na sya as AD sa soap nila ni direk. nirecommend daw nya ko as AD dun sa movie, at kinuha na ni direk yung number ko. huhu. flattering na masaya na masakit, dahil alam kong kung tumawag man sya at ialok ang project, hindi ko matatanggap.

pero isipin ko lang yung "epiphany" moment ko, ok na rin. ganyan talaga. gotta give some to get some. sayang lang talaga ang mga ties na nabuo with directors and producers and other people sa industriya. like any relationship, kelangang pangalagaan, kelangan me consistency of contact, para mag-grow at manatiling maganda ang pagsasamahan. pero pag tanggi ka nang tanggi, pag hindi kayo nagkikita at nagkakatrabaho, unti-unti ka nang nawawala sa eksena, nawawala ang recall nila sa yo, at kelangan nilang maghanap ng iba para punan ang posisyon na dating ino-occupy mo.

bagong posisyon yung mag-AD para sa direk na yun, one step up the ladder, like simiar cases in the past na hindi ko kinuha. huhu. ang hirap pa namang i-earn ang tiwala ni direk. kaya sobrang flattering, at masaya, at nagiging masakit din kasi kung ibang direktor yun ok lang. pero not Direk M.

tama na nga, nade-depress lang ako.

blog addict for the night

got this one from zelle...

1. Name one person who made you laugh last night? si monjam, sa mga pinagsusulat nya sa blog. at si ted, sa mga comments nya. haha

2. What were you doing at 0800? lost in dreamland

3. What were you doing 30 minutes ago? blogging!

4. What happened to you in 2006? hay! read my previous entry

5. What was the last thing you said out loud? "penge!"

6. How many beverages did you have today? marami rami na rin. coffee, rush water, water

8. What was the last thing you paid for? my brother's baon for tomorrow

9. Where were you last night? in makati, kakatapos lang ng dubbing

10. What color is your front door? mahogany

11. Where do you keep your change? wallet

12. What’s the weather like today? sunny with random patches of cloud

13. What’s the best ice-cream flavor? double dutch

14. What excites you? Adventures! --> ako din!

15. Do you want to cut your hair? No…not yet. --> amen

16. Are you over the age of 25? yup

17. Do you talk a lot?when in the mood

18. Do you watch the O.C.? NO

19. Do you know anyone named Steven? aba eh si ninong spielberg!

20. Do you make up your own words? i coin my own terms sometimes

21. Are you a jealous person? ako? hinde!

22. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘A’. Arah

23. Name a friend whose name starts with the letter ‘K’. Kresta

24. Who’s the first person on your received call list? Kuya Ryan

25. What does the last text message you received say? "antok na antok na ko...tulog na tayo...gudnyt!"

26. Do you chew on your straw? No

27. Do you have curly hair? a strange combination of wavy and straight

28. Where’s the next place you’re going to? bukas? makati uli

29. Who’s the rudest person in your life? mga true blue bitches and sons of bitches. hehe

30. What was the last thing you ate? saging!

31. Will you get married in the future? i want to

32. What’s the best movie you’ve seen in the past 2 weeks? hmm. lust caution!

33. Is there anyone you like right now? i liked clive owen tonight in "inside man"

34. When was the last time you did the dishes? two days ago

35. Are you currently depressed? lungkot lang onti

36. Did you cry today? no

37. Why did you answer and post this? Because im a blog addict!

38. Who are you tagging? ROSE! SAGUTIN MO TO!

sweet november

read back to my entries of november 2006 and i was struck. november was my busiest month in 2006. juggling jobs. off to everywhere. and i loved every minute of it.

this year's november pales in comparison. financially, i was better off last year. i had a steady thingie with a syndicated TV-show-on-the-brew that they had asked me to direct (whatever happened to it? the TV show became an internet website. i didn't mind, i got paid. hehe). on the side i was laboring in different shoots (one day i'd be in antipolo, the next day in baguio, then days later, subic, with hardly any breathing days in between). even had my first dabble in directing a bikini open (one of the happiest, happiest experiences of my 2006).

adventure. that was my november last year. adventure and money and passionate freedom.

and now, this. not too bad, but not spectacular either. i've been stuck in a movie project for four months, bleeding (literally and figuratively) and whining althroughout. hate ko kasi ang matali sa iisang project sa napakatagal na panahon. kaya na-enjoy ko yung mga projects ko last november, dahil mabilisan silang natatapos. pero sa project compost, feeling ko naburo ako. lumipad ang puso ko sa kung saan at hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa sya nahahanap. nawalan ako ng amor sa ginagawa ko. naging masyadong matagal, intensive, at extensive and proseso para sa kin. at marami pa ring ibang factors ang pinagtambak-tambak.

sad. i miss the adventure.

okay pa yung early part of the year, from january to april. lagare from one movie to another at live events out of town. pero from may onwards parang unti-unting nawala ang adventure sa buhay ko. napwersa akong mag-settle sa iisang bagay, out of commitment. hindi lang dahil sa compost. kundi dahil na rin sa ibang thingies, tulad ng director's training program. na isa rin naman sa pinakamagandang nangyari sa buhay ko ngayong 2007. pero isa rin sa pinakamalalaking commitment.

sacrifice talaga. kasi, bukod pa sa fact na nakatali ako sa mga classes ko twice a week, me promise-in-print ako na hindi tatanggap ng ibang projects from certain production companies na karibal ng home studio. which means less opportunities for work, less opportunities for adventure. and yes, less money.

(ang sad di ba? malapit pa namang magpasko. at umuwi na ang tatay ko, dahil overdue na ang retirement nya. which means kelangan nang makishare sa mga gastos sa bahay. na hindi naman ako required gawin last year. na ok lang din namang gawin, kasi long overdue na. dapat matagal na kong ni-require. matanda na ko at matagal-tagal na ring nagtatrabaho. oh anyway.)

minsan naiisip ko, kung wala ang skwela at wala ang compost, kung saan saan na rin siguro ako tumilapon these past four months. baka nagawa ko yung comedy movie ni dir3k w3nn for 0ct0 @rts (at nakapag-establish na rin ng ties sa mga bagong tao from new circles). yung horror movie ni direk jun for r3gal (kahit ang dinig ko eh isa syang pasan-krus para sa mga laborers na nakisangkot, tagaytay pa rin yun, and i lurve tagaytay). yung b1g l0ve n1 j@de for st@r(kinukuha nya kong AD! huhuhu), o di kaya yung b@tanes ni @dolf (AD din, at three weeks sa b@tanes. hindi pa ko nakapunta dun). malamang naisingit ko din yung 7-day shoot ng first horror movie ni d1rek p@ul d@za for r3gal (AD din...at out of town din daw to), at syempre, magiging happily "required" akong gawin ang MMFF horror movie ni d1rek mike (pamilya ko na ang dream team na to, at ako lang daw ang wala sa grupo this time).

hay. ayokong gamitin ang salitang panghihinayang, because i wouldn't have exchanged school for all those. school promises something better, something above and beyond all the good things i've experienced in my 5-year-old career. pero there are days na nalulungkot ako, kasi nami-miss ko yung adventure. yung pakiramdam na parang buhay na buhay ka at gusto mong tumilapon kahit saan for the sake of work. dahil nae-enjoy mo ang ginagawa mo, at masaya ka dahil binabayaran ka pa para gawin yun.

kakaibang panahon talaga to. unlike any point i've been in for the past 27 years. not everything makes me sad, though. my november this year may pale in comparison to last year, pero may mga blessings na meron ako ngayon (at wala ako noon), which i'm wholeheartedly thankful to god for. tulad ng skwela. and the chance to finally push myself to focus on being an "active" filmmaker (noon kasi, lagi kong excuse ang work). and the big brown baby bear (na nagbigay sa kin ng mga memories-to-keep sa time capsule #2 ko one year ago--ngayon hindi ko na kelangan ng time capsule para sa kanya). it's true that i can't have everything, but i'm lucky enough to have a lot of wonderful things--and wonderful people--in my life right now. kaya siguro...hindi dapat manghinayang o malungkot.

epiphany. hehe. thanks to this blog, i've come to realize that this may actually be a sweet november, after all.

anong nararamdaman mo...?

tanghaling tapat. may dubbing ng 2 pm sa makati for the compost project. kahit tapos na ang principal photography, tuloy pa rin pala ang trabaho...and it's the tunganga phase in postprod na naman. argh.

dubbing. tunganga. bantay dialogue. there are beeyatchy sups. there are slow afternoons of waiting for artistas who don't arrive. there are cigarette breaks, prolonged, because of the waiting, and you end up thinking that you and your time would be much more useful elsewhere.

masama ang pakiramdam ko. sipon ubo puyat. there's another session at 4 pm. yun ang pupuntahan ko.

* * *

kumusta naman ang last day. ayun, tapos by 9 am. after more than 24 hours of work from laharland to the town of tiles. haha. ngayon pwede ko nang burahin ang sangkaterbang continuity pics sa digicam ko. excited akong gawin yon, with relief, na parang ina-unload ko na rin ang sarili ko from the burden of things that i had to keep in memory these past four months.

nagbabadya na namang mag-resume ang shoot ng comedian-child star movie. mabuti naman, para may sweldo. malapit na naman ang pasko. kelangan kumita continually. sana may bagong project. sana may bagong magpapasaya sa pasko ko.

* * *

hay. sad. in a positive kind of way. in a hoping kind of way. if that even makes sense to ya.

* * *

kelan kaya ako magkakalakas ng loob harapin ang assignment ko sa skul. ang hirap kasing maging sympathetic sa isang pedophile. hindi ko pa alam kung anong laman ng utak ng mga yun.

kung pedophile ka, sagot ka naman. ano bang nararamdaman mo moments bago mo gawan ng "milagro" ang isang bagets?

road block, silbato, at kinakausap ko lang ang sarili ko

the turbulence doesn't end when you get there. not for non-normal neuros like you.

and you thought na patatahimikin ka na. you thought that it's gonna be a sunny day from here on ever after. pero ngayon mo lang na-realize. returned or unreturned, the cycle turns out to be the same. you will go through the same kind of restlessness, the same kind of helplessness, the same kind of torment upon the slightest provocation--real or imagined, positive or negative--because that's just the kind of person that you are.

at totoo, ikaw din ang nahihirapan. hindi mo maintindihan kung bakit parang ayaw mong maging masaya. na kahit you have every reason to be happy hindi mo pa rin matanggal sa yo ang pagiging on guard/vigilant/watchful over the slightest sign that could possibly foretell future unhappiness. takot na takot ka, na baka isang araw ay bigla na lang mawala ang happiness na meron ka ngayon. there's a road that you want to block, a road that you don't ever want to travel again, dahil alam mo kung gano kasakit, kung gano ka-crippling, ang ma-stuck sa kalsadang yon. one-way traffic man o going both ways, the pain is just the same.

at takot ka, kahit walang dapat ikatakot, kasi hindi mo pa naranasang tahakin ang kalsadang yon on a two-way traffic. at ayaw mong maranasan, ever, dahil feeling mo--hindi, alam mo--na baka mas doble, triple, kwadruple ang sakit, pag nagkataon.

and so you block off the thought, the fears and the worries, but they're always at the back of your mind. your faith is marred, because you believe you know the tendencies of human nature, and what powers we are vulnerable to and helpless about, and the things that are beyond our control, and this includes the future. kaya the more you involve yourself emotionally lalong lumalakas ang takot, sa future, sa present, sa kalsadang ayaw mo nang tahakin ever, and you hate the feeling, you feel horrible, dahil punyeta ganitong ganito din ang pinagdadaanan mo in past cases, wala rin naman palang pinagkaiba. akala mo magiging mas masaya ka. akala mo mananahimik ka na. but you realize now that for a non-normal neuro like you, there's no such thing as peace of mind. takot na takot kang masaktan, kaya gusto mong ihanda ang sarili mo, just in case. gusto mong i-cushion ang sarili mo, at i-expect ang worse, dahil in deep wala kang faith, hindi sa tao kundi sa species na kinabibilangan nya. at alam mong unfair, hindi lang sa ibang tao kundi sa sarili mo, cause you're robbing yourself of your own happiness dahil sa mga takot mo.

kaya lagi mong naiisip, less is better, dahil ang mga bagay na detached ka hindi ka matatakot na mawala sa yo. at hanggang ngayon yun pa rin ang naiisip mo, at wish mo para sa sarili mo. sana gumraduate ka na sa mga ganyang intensities. hindi healthy, at ikaw din ang nahihirapan, at ayaw mong dumating sa punto na baka pahirapan mo pa ang ibang tao (no!), mas gugustuhin mo na lang sarilinin lahat ng mga imagined slights at paranoid thoughts, dahil mali. mali, mali, na idamay ang ibang tao.

in your worst moments tinatalo ka ng kaduwagan, siguro mas mabuti pang maging emotionally neutral na lang, wag nang sumali sa laro para walang pagkatalo o pagkapanalo, marami namang bagay na pwedeng ipampalit sa ganitong klaseng happiness (na hindi rin naman nagiging total happiness sa isang katulad mo), pero kaduwagan nga kaya you dismiss the thought, at alam mong hindi mo kayang i-give up. the happiness may be marred every now and then but when it's not, it's something to live for, to breathe for, kahit na sa likod ng isip mo may sumisilbato, may red lights blinking. less is better, less is safe. self-preservation, above all else.

kelangang makinig, dahil you can't help what you are. kahit may isang maliit na boses sa loob mo na nagsasabing walang masamang maging malaya at hayaan ang sarili. hindi. para sa ikabubuti mo at sa ikabubuti ng ibang tao, kelangang makinig sa silbato.

not my morning

i hope the rest of the day wouldn't be the same.

ang hirap tumira sa isang bahay nang hindi ka masaya pag nasa bahay ka.
at least, for now.
we don't see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, and i don't think there would be a resolution to these things without any heated arguments involved.

but leaving home and living on my own is not an option. not only because i can't afford it, but also because it would break their hearts.

mas madali siyang masaktan kesa sa kin. siguro mas mahal nya ko kesa mahal ko sya. kaya masakit ding isipin na ganun. na may resentment. on my end, on her end. kasi naiintindihan ko kung bakit, pero naiinis pa rin ako. kasi ayokong nag-aalmusal ng sermon.

kasi 27 na ko. matagal na kong nagdalaga at ngayon nga eh papunta na sa pag-"tanda". pero ang mga reaksyon sa paglawak ng mundo ko at 27, parang reaksyon sa isang 15 anyos na nagugumon sa kung anong masasamang elemento.

pero dahil ako ang niluwal, ako ang pinalaki at pinag-aral, ako na lang ang magpapakumbaba. at the very least, wag na lang palakihin ang mga bagay-bagay at manahimik na lang.

halloween night introspekshuns

went to the cemetary today. a first in so many years.
not too many people yet. a plus and a minus. crowds are a major reason why i'd chosen to stay away for the past so many years, and yet today i was looking for it. wanted to experience the Undas Crowd again. for immersion's sake. for so-called inspiration's sake.

* * *

things to do:
1) make a backup concept paper for my school drill.
2) revise the approved concept paper.

two huge bulks of mostly right-brain work. which i'm just procrastinating over. what's new. biding my time for who-knows-what. i know, though, that i'll have to work on those this week. and once i'm there, once i'm caught in the sunlight again, maybe i'll be fine.

but tomorrow is a day to not work.
not for cemetaries, either.
tomorrow is a day to be happy. to want to be, at least.

* * *

stumbled upon some bts pics of the b@t@nes project on mult1ply. sigh. one or two months ago i'd been asked to AD for this one. sobrang excited ako, kasi adik ako sa mga potentially adventure-filled out-of-town shoots. kaibigan ko pa yung direktor, at AD ang role ko (hindi script con! yahoo!). and wow, they were actually asking me kung anong talent fee ko, at nung sinabi ko, sabi lang "ok". almost perfect na sya. but there was school.

i had to turn it down, eventually. and it was one of the most difficult decisions i'd had during that time, so much so that i had to consult nearly everyone i knew about what to do, only to make a decision so late on in preproduction. now the project has gotten so huge (a major film company has gotten onboard as co-producer, and bts features on the film are not-so-seldomly all over the papers these days). hindi na sya "indie", so-called "legit" studio picture na sya. the temptation to ponder over what-if scenarios has come up more than once in the past two weeks.

and then i saw the multiply pictures. kung tumuloy ako, bukod sa nakapag-adventure ako sa batanes, parang reunion of sorts na rin with a number of people i'd worked with in different projects before. yung production manager sa foreign film nung 2005. yung production designer sa shelved "s@pi" nung 2006. yung soundman sa jeff je2rian cebu film nung 2004. at ang script con, bukod pa sa pagiging friendly friend, art director din sa g@ry gr@nad@ video ko nung 2005.

lalo akong nanlumo, kasi mukhang magiging masaya pala ako with the co-workers kung nagtuloy ako. lahat nga lang sila maiitim, at mukhang pagod, pero mukha rin namang masaya. i realize that, not too long ago, that was my life--ang tumilapon sa kung saang lupalop for the love of laboring for film. keber kung umitim, keber kung anurin ng malalaking alon o maputikan mula ulo hanggang paa, basta magawa lang ang dapat gawin, dahil nakabuhos ang buong puso at pagkatao sa trabaho. at kahit pagod, puyat, at ngarag, at the end of the day masaya pa rin.

anong nagbago? sa buhay ko noon at buhay ko ngayon? bukod sa skwela, at sa love life (ha! special mention talaga)? hindi ko alam kung anong nagbago. o ano ang hindi nagbago. o kung ako ba ang nagbago. siguro a little of all of the above. siguro may mga bagay na maa-outgrow mo eventually, o may mga bagong bagay na darating sa buhay mo na makikihati sa atensyon mo, na dating solong solo ng trabaho mo. mga bagay na mari-realize mong mas nakakapagpasaya sa yo kesa sa dati mo nang ginagawa.

i'm not sure. but i'm sure of one thing now. my life is not the same as the one i had when i was that freewheeling happy adventurous creature one year ago. kaya hindi ako dapat manghinayang sa b@t@nes. the me of one year ago would've had the time of her life, yes. but one year can change a lot of things in people, including the things that make them happy.

frustrations. discontent. restlessness. i had these before, but they're much fiercer in me now. somehow, school is a temporary antidote. a potential savior from my personal woes. i hope. i pray. because i want to do more than what i've been doing in shoots these past three years. i want to do more than help others make their movies. i want to make my own.

ok, let's not start on that. para na lang akong sirang plaka nito e.

estrella alfon

kilala nyo ba si estrella alfon?
yung cebuana fiction writer who wrote the short story "magnificence".
deceased na sya, but i need to contact her family members. school project of vital importance.

if you can help me, will really appreciate it. pakiforward na rin po sa mga kakilala nyo. :-)

reply lang kayo dito ha :-) or email me at keanu_dudette@yahoo.com.

thank you thank you!

yesterday

watched "lust, caution". loved it. especially the script, and the performances of tony leung and the girl who played wong. the ending was sad but powerful, and somehow further reinforced my suspicion that women are emotional by nature. (suspicion pa ba yon? haha).

ate at mexicali for the first time. loved it. enchiladas with rice and salad. sour cream in tomatoes. heavenly. wanna go back for more.

happy, happy, happiness. i thank god for an answered little prayer.

because now is just a shot of vodka..

happy or sad, good or bad, i shouldn't let the present consume me.
dahil mahaba pa ang buhay. at marami pang pwedeng mangyari sa buhay.

and the present is just a droplet in the timepool. a bleep in the timeline. a shot of vodka on a long long night.

naalala ko tuloy nung isang gabi. i let myself get drunk like there was no tomorrow. sadya, pero how ungraceful. ang resulta, alas dose pa lang, knock out na ko. i had drunk too much, too fast. na-miss ko tuloy ang best part of the party. at hanggang ngayon, stuck lang ako sa memories ng what little time i had enjoyed, before i was out cold.

lesson: hindi dapat magpakalunod, dahil mahaba-haba pa ang inuman.

you think you're going through the best or worst times of your life. you could be wrong. the future can promise better things. or worse things. hanggang may ulirat ka, hindi pa tapos ang inuman. whatever happens, at least you're sober. you've got your head above water, and armed with a healthy dose of self-preserving detachment.

* * *

and to be able to detach, you need to zoom out sometimes. zoom way out. and in doing this, ironically, you can think outside of yourself.

* * *

shet. i want to quit smoking. yucky habit. not to mention deadly.

1:00 am

skul skul, skul bukol.

for the past two weeks my world has mostly been school. masaya, ito ang gusto ko. ito ang wish ko. ang makapagcontrate sa pag-aaral at makapagpahinga. i'm happy that the shoots have been put on hold, for selfish reasons. but the fact that there would be no paycheck for the next two weeks mars the happiness a bit bad. i find myself worrying.

nah! god is good and wise. he has plans.

what can i say about school. i'm so looking forward to the time when it would be my turn to direct a drill. like ted, like monj, perhaps like everybody else in class who hasn't done it. hay. the dream.

inaantok na ko. wala lang, gusto ko lang magsulat dito. haha. excited about halloween. excited about the long weekend. excited about the rest of my life.

haha. umo-optimist ba ito. hindi rin. basta. nagpapaanod lang ako sa agos these days. laging takot malunod, syempre--hindi na siguro mawawala yon--pero basically, trying to lie on my back and let the tide take me where god wants me to be.

trying is the keyword. cause there's a hunger somewhere in this psyche that just wouldn't leave me in peace.

kahapon, habang nagpapatay ako ng oras sa galleria bago umuwi, dumaan ako sa pinsan ko na nagtatrabaho sa toy store.

promo girl sya. roommate ko sya dati sa bahay. dati, aalis sya, darating, aalis uli, yun lang ang alam ko sa trabaho nya. pero kahapon nakita ko sya at work, maybe for a few hours, at parang first time ko actually na-realize kung ano ba ang tinatiyaga nya every single hour of a work day since six months ago.

nakatayo buong maghapon. nakatunganga pag walang customer. pag merong customer, sales-talk to the max. at pag hindi bumili yung customer, nakaka-frustrate. nafu-frustrate akong tingnan sya. kasi nakita kong lumaki itong pinsan ko, at alam ko kung anong kaya pa nyang gawin. bukod sa pagtayo, pagtunganga, pagbenta ng mga laruan sa mga customer.

naalala ko tuloy yung indie movie na 3ndo. actually, binabasa ko pa lang ang skrip ng 3ndo, yung pinsan ko na ang nasa isip ko. nung shinushoot namin ang 3ndo, hanggang sa napanood ko na ang 3ndo, sabi ko, dapat mapanood nya to. kasi makaka-relate sya. yung bida sa 3ndo, naniniwalang wala syang ibang choice kundi tanggapin ang mga contractual nyang trabaho. kampante na sya sa ganong buhay, kahit na pwede pa syang mag-effort para makakuha ng better options. parang nakikita ko ang pinsan ko sa kanya. i know she can do more. it's a question of whether she wants to. or wants it enough to make a few sacrifices.

wala lang. na-depress lang ako ng konti.

post-hangover thoughts

drunk. numbed. out cold.
that night, from memory, was one big happy blur.

three shots of tequila, two bottles of beer, and the beeyatch couldn't contain it. argh, inexperienced drunk-o. but i went there prepared to get myself drunk. best time, best timing, best company, best everything.

and the best thing about bein drunk is that you forget. even yourself, and your so-called self-containing inhibitions. everything flies out the window, and you with it, and for as long as you're awake you're flying inside your head, with no thought to falling. lost in your own cloud, literally and else.

but if one of the best things about being drunk is that you lose your sense-of-shame, the worst thing about it is that the next day you quickly regain it. when you're up and sober, and that happy creature that you remember of yourself the night before comes back to haunt you. oh she-et. sense of shame.

in this case though there was no shame, nothing of the intense kind. just some sort of panghihinayang, because i was out cold before the real fun actually happened, which WAS a shame because the reason you get yourself drunk is you want to (cliche) forget it all and have pure untainted fun. but after three shots of tequila and two bottles of beer and a trip to the pantry with the bros, i plopped on the sofa and neatly passed out. asleep, while everyone else was partying. a shame. i missed out on half the night.

before all that, everything else was a happy blur. vibrant, slowmo-ed. larger than life in this soused little mind of mine. the movies that we saw. the laughter, the dancing, the beer chugging on that strange little funnel-and-pipe contraption, the nintendo wii, the first of the new guests, my strange bonding with the bathroom sink. and then, zzz.

before all that, at round midnight, somebody texted me. about to go to bed now, gudnyt! on any other night it would've been something to cap my day and tuck me to bed happy, but that night i was too...out of myself to even reply right.

gudnyt.i punched in the wrong button. the period was not supposed to be a period. it sounded terse, cold, angry, which i wasn't.
tried to erase the period, but ended up sending it instead. she-et. so i resent the gudnyt, this time with !, now that sounds happy. something to tuck someone to bed at peace, with the fact that someone wants him to sleep well.

and sleep the night away he did, unaware that i was blacking out somewhere, and couldn't even walk a straight line to the front door, and had been doin some serious mind-altering partying inside my head, things that he himself had probably not done in years. unaware, this dude is, and would've been displeased at the way i held my liquor that night, if he had known. but i couldn't care less. life's a busy highway for you and me sweetie, but in the most different of ways. do what you need to do, and i would do what i want to do right now, cause i would rather be busy being happy than be anything else these days.

diversion, distraction, detour. just a way to forget that i'm missing you, and will be missing you more in the coming weeks.

and yes, i know. we gotta do what we're paid to do.

* * *

speaking of which. there's one project that i absolutely do not look forward to finishing. even if i was paid to do what i must do.

last sunday, hindi ako nakapagsimba dahil sa kanya. meeting daw, tapos at the last minute, kinansel. kumusta naman yun. nasa meeting place na ko e. di ko na tuloy naisipang magsimba, nakalimutan ko na. bad girl talaga ko.

if i had no word of honor i would've bailed out of this project to AD for my favorite newbie director. minsan naiisip ko, sana wala na lang akong word of honor. minsan lang naman. pero at this point, di na dapat iniisip. no choice. finish what you've begun. buti na lang november pa sya magre-resume. buti na lang pahinga ko ngayon. para pagdating ng november, kahit ayoko na syang tapusin, me energy ako to deal with it. the pa-morningan, the dizzying two cameras, the royal pain, etcetera.

* * *

sana. matuloy. sana sagutin ako ng "oo" ng langit. sana, sana. cause if this pushes through, i'd be happy for the remainder of the year. wishing, hoping, praying. we need projects like this to survive. i fervently pray that the lord would give this to me.

* * *

at kumusta naman ang currently grinding comedian-child star movie. no shoot for the rest of the week. i don't know if i'm gonna be happy or sad. maybe a little of both. sana lang, matuloy itong pinagdadasal ko. i want this. i really, really want this!

* * *

sleepy. meeting a friend tonight. sana rin mag-yield to lucrative outcomes. that's all i can really think of these days, when i'm not thinking about the things that really matter.

"mamaya" is my favorite word

sarap ng buhay. walang shoot ngayon, walang shoot bukas...klase sa sabado, pahinga sa linggo...

gusto ko nang simulan yung isa pang storya.
kaso, ewan ko, lagi ko na lang mina-"mamaya na".
parang yung pagpalit ng bedsheets ko. o yung pag-ayos ng mga damit ko sa bagong lalagyan. o kahit yung panonood ng mga dvds na naghihintay lang.

kasi, ang katwiran ko, lahat sila, andyan lang.
andyan lang, hindi mawawala, and i have all the time in the world until monday.

buti na lang iba ang pananaw ko pagdating sa mga relationships.
at sana lang yung ibang tao, katulad ko din.

* * *

strike while the iron is hot.
sabi nga nila.
kaya dapat simulan ko na ngayon habang inspired kuno pa ko.
kaso tinatamad pa kong mag-effort. tinatamad pa kong lumabas sa comfort zone. kaya inuuna ko muna ang friendster, multiply, youtube, etcetera, etcetera.

at ang bedsheets, hindi pa rin napapalitan.
ang mga damit, hindi pa naaayos.
ang dvds, naghihintay pa rin.

eh ano na nga lang ba ang nagawa ko sa araw na to?
nag-lunch. naligo. nang-okray kay penguinacious monjam sa blogs nya. nag-surf nang walang katapusan. sumagot ng survey.

all under the guise of "pagpapahinga". kasi, feeling ko, i deserve to rest. we all do, at some time. at next week may trabaho na naman kaya lulubos-lubusin ko na.

basta. gagawin ko sya mamaya.

* * *

baka dapat mag-iba na ko ng pananaw ano. masyado na ko e. iba ang sinasabi ng utak sa nararamdaman. magkaibang-magkaiba yon. ang utak, reasonable. ang emosyon, walang pakialam. sa reason, sa sitwasyon ng ibang tao. basta alam nya kung ano ang gusto nya, kesehoda. selfish, makitid ang isip, impatient, mahinarte. kaya mahirap talaga pag bobo ka. mahirap maka-cope sa mundo pag bobo ka, dahil laging nao-override ng emotions mo ang reasoning mo. hindi ka objective. puro ka "ako!ako!"

shet. ayoko yata nun. yung "ako!ako!" syndrome.

sunlight

i love these sunny mornings in october.
just the right timpla. not too warm, not too humid, not too cold.


the other day i had a morning like this too. and it was one of those beautiful days. typing away, finishing a homework that i'm excited about. not feeling inept and lost, living up a scenario in my head and translating it into words. and not frustrating myself in the process.

para kong nasinagan ng araw for the first time in a long, long while.

buti na lang free ang mga araw ko in the next two days. will try to catch that mood again.

things to be happy about right now

1. the shoot was packed up today--more time for rest for me, and more time to do the assignment as well.
2. downpayment and 1st weekly from the new project. yey!
3. got time for the dvds at home, waiting to be watched!
4. school day tomorrow! henry's birthday bash!
5. a concept to work on that i'm somekinda excited about. hay, sana mag-work.
6. the blue cellphone cloth-casing that bbbb gave me (kahit handmedown!)
7. a possibility na walang work sa wednesday (bulakbol talaga ko)
8. san mig coffee (sugarfree!)
9. thursday (sana!)
10. my basically happy family
11. my basically wonderful parents


over breakfast, may sinabi ang nanay ko. relationship advice ang drama. wag daw akong mag-bike, kahit meron kaming bike, kasi nakaka-devirginize daw yon. pero dapat daw matutunan ko ang tamang paraan ng pag-kiss, kasi importante din daw yon sa isang relationship.

huwat!

shocked ako sa sinabi nyang huli. tumbling kung tumbling! ang weirdo talaga ng mga nanay!

* * *

naalala ko yung isang linyang nasulat ko sa blog ko months ago.
kung anong hindi kaya ng tao, siguradong kaya ng diyos.
totoo yon. hanggang ngayon struck pa rin ako. kaya lahat ng hindi ko kaya, lahat ng wala sa kamay ko, ipinapasa-diyos ko na lang.

nagi-guilty ako minsan. kasi tuwing sundays, kung hindi ako nagtatrabaho, nanonood ako ng sine, o nagpapahinga sa bahay. isang oras lang namang sakripisyo ang misa. isa, o dalawa, if you count in yung time na magbibihis at magta-travel ka. pero sa ibang bagay ko pa nilalaan.

time. ang hirap magkaroon ng time para sa ibang aspeto ng buhay ko.
sa pamilya. sa love life. sa mga personal projects. lagi na lang kulang sa time.
pero lahat naman ng importante sa buhay ko ngayon, si papa god ang nagbigay. kaya nakaka-guilty. kasi parang wala akong time para sa kanya.

next time, next sunday, na wala kong trabaho, ita-try kong magsimba. sobrang mortal sinner na siguro ako. multiple violations on commandment #8 (#8 nga ba yon?): remember to keep holy the sabbath day.

arghhh! buti na lang ambait ni lord! kahit pasaway ako, he still gives me reasons to be happy about. time to thank him for everything one of these days. kahit sa isang oras na misa lang.

* * *

hindi ko nagustuhan yung "stardust". kasi siguro nage-expect ako na matangay ako ng pelikula tulad ng pagkatangay ko sa "neverending story" at "legend" nung una ko silang napanood. andami kasing subplots na sinusundan, nagiging spaghetti tuloy. at may feeling ng pagkacontrived yung premise na tatlong forces-to-reckon-with ang naghahabol sa isang fallen star.

ewan. pero panalo yung eksena ni claire danes confessing her love in front of a rat. ang cute. siguro kinilig pa ko kung hindi lang si claire danes yung babae. kasi after all these years, fresh pa rin sa memory ko yung sinabi nya about the philippines being "full of rats". kaya strange kind of onscreen karma ang nanyari sa kanya sa "stardust", na-in love sya sa isang rat. ha!ha!

pero wait, scene stealer nga pala si robert de niro as the klosetang flamboyant gay pirate. hahaha panalo yon! for that alone, worth it ang price ng isang movie ticket.

may narinig ako...sana good news

gusto kong magsulat uli. for the money.
para maiba-iba naman. para may variety.

pero yung pagsusulat na hindi lalamunin ang buong oras at buhay ko. wag naman. kasi nag-aaral din ako. yung tipong pampayaman lang. hehe.

miss ko na ng creative work.
production work gets tiring after some time, lalo na kung puros antayan lang ang ginagawa nyo sa set. at puros memorya at paperwork naman ang naka-toka sa yo.
ayoko nang magscriptcon. gusto ko nang mag-AD sa mainstream.

nagkaroon ako ng chance nung alukin ako ni j@de mag-AD sa kanya for his first mainstream mvie. kaso dahil nakatali ako sa $$%^^&# compost, hindi ko matanggap.

huhu.
gusto ko na ng bagong challenge.

bright spot on a bad day, for old times' sake

saturday sunshine.
i'm gloomy.

prevailing emotions at the moment, parang chopsuey.
frustrated. naiinis. scared. bothered. bored.
wanting coffee. wanting yosi.

hoping that a bath is all that it would take to clear my head. and lighten things up.
hoping that today's school session is all that it would take to make me focus. and distract me from being needlessly annoyed.

hoping that my EQ is much higher than i actually think.
hoping that the coffee that's comin up would make me feel better.

i HATE it when i feel this way.
there are other things to be annoyed about.

* * *

shet, namiss ko na si frog princess.
naging malaking parte din sya ng buhay ko. hehe.
syempre hindi nya alam yon.

sana mabuhay sya uli. for the sake of old times. for the sake of homework.
kasi, tama si ted. kahit exagg ang pagkakakwento, forever nang nakatatak sa memorya ko yung moment na nakita ko syang nagyosi for the first time.

leslie cheung nga. yun nga.
naka-preppy clothes pa sya non. sa gitna ng zoobic safari. haha.

angst session on a balmy day

aside from rainy days, i love this kind of weather as well.
sunny, balmy, breezy. i remember days like these exactly six years ago, afternoons spent in the lanai of our house, handwriting diary entries in between storyboards and shotlists for my thesis film. those were beautiful days. i was almost in touch with the muse. i haven't experienced that in a long, long while.

now on the verge of starting another class requirement that is almost (but not quite) similar to the nature of my thesis. gusto kong balikan yung dating spiritu ng mga panahon na yon. everything was just so damn natural. everything was just so effortless. may oras ako para makipag-brainstorm with myself. umiikot lang ang mundo sa skwela at pangarap. hindi kailangan ng yosi to get myself into "thinker" mode. walang ibang iniisip kundi pano ba pagandahin ang baby na nasa sinapupunan, sans the pressures.

things appear more golden on hindsight talaga. naaamoy ko lang ang simoy ng hangin sa labas, para kong nata-transport sa mga panahong hindi ko naman na-appreciate dati. nakaupo ako sa lanai, nagdo-drowing-drowingan. nag-iisip kung pano ikukwento ang storya with the best shots possible. lalabas ako, maghahanap ng location, dala yung D8 videocam ko. bahay na tradisyonal, na middle class, na parang yung mga bahay sa Old Balara. ang saya saya. yun lang ang sentro ng mundo ko.

* * *

i love laughing. i wish i'd have more reasons to laugh every day. hindi kasi ko palangiti o palatawang tao. buti na lang nakakatuwa yung mga kaklase ko, hindi talaga lilipas ang isang class day nang hindi ako tumatawa.

pero iba kasi pag trabaho. hindi ako makatawa. depende naman kasi sa mga kasama ko. sa bagong movie, medyo konti ang rason ko para matawa. mas konti ang barkada, although hindi naman masyadong pressure sa trabaho.

sa compost, mas marami akong rason tumawa in between camera setups, pero ang bawi naman non eh matinding pressure pag gumiling na ang cameras.

nung isang araw, sinabi ko ayokong manood ng boxing ni pacquiao, kaso pagdating ko sa set lahat ng tao nakatutok sa channel 7. kaya nanood na rin ako. ang weird, kasi nung kinanta na ni kyla ang lupang hinirang parang naging misty eyed ako. feeling proud ako kahit papano, na kahit sa boxing man lang maging world-renowned ang pinoy. feeling sad din, kasi sa boxing lang yata tayo bumabanat sa international scene. buti na lang hindi nagkamali si kyla. hehe.

nung isang araw, inis na inis ako. yung tipong inis na gumuguhit sa kalamnan na pwedeng pausukin ang ilong ko. naiinis kasi ko sa mga producer na walang respeto sa direktor at sa mga trabahador nya. yung throwing-his-weight-around type.

pinagalitan nya ko nung isang araw. in fairness, kasalanan ko naman, pero hindi ako ang nadiin, yung AD. naawa ako, nahihiya ako. kasi ang pangit ng style ng pagre-reprimand ng producer. sa harap ng buong crew. nakaka-indignify. kasi, after 21 shooting days ng pagtatrabaho namin ng matino, isang mali lang pala ang makakapagpasabi sa kanya na hindi namin alam ang ginagawa namin.

taena. ngayon lang ako nasabihan ng ganon. sa tatlo, apat na taon ko bilang trabahador sa pelikula. nakakabwisit, kasi parang personal ang tira. na hndi ko alam kung san nanggagaling, dahil sa 21 shoot days na ginawa ng diyos, matinong trabaho naman ang binigay namin sa kanila. sa 21 shooting days na laging may dalawang cameras at sandamukal ang artista at napakabilis ng mga pangyayari at 24 hours minimum ang pagtatrabaho, nagpakaadik kami.

kung direktor ko ang nagalit sa kin, siguro maaapektuhan pa ko. kaya nung nung nagtatatalak yung producer sa min, strangely, i felt indifferent. pumapasok sa isang tenga, lumalabas sa kabila. kasi, kahit producer sya, kahit kontrolado nya to a certain extent ang kilos at galaw ng mga taong nagtatrabaho para sa kanya, hindi nya kontrolado ang nararamdaman ko. and for that alone, happy enough na ko.


point of saturation na kaming lahat.
wala na kong drive gawin ang best ko. siguro wrong timing lang talaga ang pagpasok ng compost sa buhay ko. kasi one year ago siguro ibang iba ang magiging attitude ko. kasi kung nag-commit ka sa isang project, committed kang gawin ang trabaho mo to the best of your abilities. pero nakakawalang-gana kasing magtrabaho para sa isang royal pain. nakakawalang-ganang magpagod magpuyat at magpakangarag sa isang project na ambigat-bigat at anlaki-laki na pinipilit tapusin in merely 23 shooting days.

oh well. one last shooting day to go. one, or most likely two. ito ang proyektong hindi matapos-tapos. although pag natapos to, alam kong mami-miss ko din ang mga naging katrabaho ko. yung 1st AD naming mahilig magsayaw ng Madonna songs in between setups, yung 2nd AD naming parang nanay na rin sa kampo ni Direk, yung prayer leader naming laging nakaramay every shooting day kahit hindi pwede naman syang umalis after the prayers, yung PA namin na kahit laging late at laging nawawala eh nakatulong din naman sa pagtatawag nya ng mga artista pag kelangan na sila sa set, yung BTS director namin na ka-radio talk ko palagi at masayang katambayan during those long hours of waiting. hay. sana magkita kita pa tayo sa ibang projects. maliit lang ang mundo.

* * *

nag-grind na ang sh@ke r@ttle and r0ll movie nina d1rek m1ke last monday. ako lang daw ang wala. nakakalungkot. kasi mahal ko din ang grupong yon. one year ago, ginagawa namin yung sh@ke for last year. magdamagan din, pero masaya ko.

minsan, happiness is a matter of timing din.

no more time capsules this time

another shooting day starts in about two hours.
actually, 3. or 4. pero set call, 1pm.
kakatamad. kasi two weeks kaming natengga sa project na to. nakakasira ng momentum. parang unfinished business na pinipilit kang tapusin. lalo na ngayong may nagsimula nang bago, at iba na ang focus mo.

pero kelangang tapusin ang nasimulan na. kasi, committed ka.

at least, sa trabaho. buti na lang iba ang philosophy ko pagdating sa personal relationships.

* * *

nahihirapan akong pagsabayin ang dalawang forces-to-reckon-with. work and school. magkaiba kasing mundo, pero parehong tina-tackle ang iisang subject matter. minsan, o madalas, ako lang naman ang nag-iinterpret sa mga sitwasyon, kung dapat silang ika-pressure o ika-stress. minsan siguro, overreading. pero andun ang mga stimuli, they are real. and nearly every single day of the week, i have to deal with two different pressurized worlds alternately. nadidisorient ako. may nangyayari sa loob ng utak ko na hindi ko mabigyan ng tamang description.

pinaghalu-halong emotions. in my worst moments, parang gusto kong tumakbo. parang gusto kong may takbuhan.

* * *

love. solace and sanctuary. pag bumabalik na naman ako sa trabaho the next day, parang panaginip yung nakaraang araw. yung panaginip na maganda, na parang gusto mong ilagay sa time capsule at balik-balikan in times of stress and distress.

hindi maganda. kasi totohanan na ang usapan. hindi na sya parang isang Ideal Bading na nilagay ko sa pedestal, pero hindi malapit-lapitan. hindi na maganda kung nilalamon ka na ng panaginip. kung hinahanap-hanap mo na yung tao. euw. hindi na healthy, kasi pati ikaw nilalamon na rin ng nararamdaman mo.

i know myself. hindi healthy para sa kin ang magmahal nang todo. anything intense breeds fear. and paranoia. kahit walang stimulus, ako ang magbibigay ng interpretation.

hindi healthy. kasi ako din ang mahihirapan. at ayoko ring dumating sa punto na magiging mahirap din para sa ibang tao. cause it seeps out. kung nalulungkot ako o naiinis ako. kakailanganin at kakailanganin ko ng catharsis. kawawa naman yung mga inosente, kung magiging biktima sila ng neurosis ko.

time to refocus and redirect. mas malaki sa kin ang dalawang mundong nag-uumpugan. okay. fine. hindi naman ako ganon kahina. hindi naman siguro kelangang tumakbo. kaduwagan actually. maraming pwedeng paghugutan ng happiness out of life. hindi ko naman talaga kelangan ng heroes and saviors. hindi ko naman talaga kelangan ng matatakbuhan.

for the record, i hate sports. i hate doing them, watching them. proud ako kay pacquiao like any other pinoy, pero wala talaga kong interes. panoorin syang makipagsuntukan. pero gets ko kung bakit gusto yon ng tatay ko. gets ko kung bakit mas pipiliin ng mga lalake si pacquiao kesa sa mga girlfriends nila. hindi na kasi mangyayari uli. ako man, mas pipiliin ko si wong kar wai in a once-in-a-lifetime meet-and-greet kesa sa boyfriend ko.

ha! so there.

okay. late na ko.

save me

gloomy, chilly morning.

not looking forward to work tomorrow. i haven't been looking forward to work for quite some time now.

it gets pretty tiring. it was fun in the first two or three years. and then you find yourself looking for more. looking to do more, to become more.

moving on. growing up. getting there. same old, same old.

* * *

i love school. it gives me somekinduva new hope.
yesterday, i got to manually set up a camera that's ready for shooting. from its legs to its limbs to its neck to its eye. bolts, joints, hinges. the camera grips at work could do this in a matter of minutes. my partner monj and i did it in about ten.

lectures-wise, we're getting onto the production side of the art now, which is something that i witness every shooting day for the past three years. somehow it trivializes all that. i'm made to realize that we need to get all the technical/logistic stuff out of the way so that we could focus more on the creative process, which is the most important of all.

i love school. i'm hoping that it would save me.

* * *

must be the hormones. but i'm feeling as chilly and gloomy as this day. solace and sanctuary. heroes and saviors. been finding myself seeking, needing, longing for those more often these days.

but you can't do that to people. you shouldn't expect them to always be there when you need them; they have their own problems to deal with. and so you're left with your cigarettes. your bestfriends. they would gladly let you drain the happiness out of them if that's what you need to get you through the day.

at the end of the day, everybody needs someone to go home to.

happy inanities

ang sarap magpahinga!
ang sarap ng nasa bahay lang.
lalo na pag umuulan sa labas.
at may mainit na pan-de-pugon with mainit na kape.
at maraming dvds ang naghihintay na mapiling Movie for the Day.

alas, hindi rin ako nakapanood ng dvds. dahil itinulog ko lang ang araw.
pero may pan-de-pugon, at mainit na kape. at pamilya. at ang premiere ng zaido at lastikman.

ang chaka ng zaido. fan ako ng shaider e. crush namin ng pinsan ko noon si alexis (rip). at aliw na aliw kami sa panty ni annie (parang wala lang kasi sa kanya kahit nakikita na). ang guwapo ni dennis trillo (as always) pero not as fresh as i remembered him to be. karel marquez stands out like a sore thumb sa mundo ng pulis pangkalawakan, ironically because ang liit-liit nyang tingnan next to the 6-footer ian de leon. pang-party girl kasi ang hairdo e, sana man lang ginawang no-nonsense para bumagay sa uniform. ang speaking of her uniform, medyo namutok ang ang lola mo ha. tsk tsk. sayang, di naalagaan.

ano naman ang nasa mukha ni diana zubiri? nakaka-distract. tinago ang gandang mukha. parang lubid na pinagsala-salabid na nagpapa-avant garde art effect.

in fairness naman ke ida (paolo ballesteros in drag), maganda sya. parang iza calzado, keri ang pagka-mujer.

kaso, si kooma le-ar, parang may clitoris sa noo. yuck. ni hindi nga sumasabay ang buka ng bibig sa voiceover. at parang sumasayaw sa variety show ang mga alagad nya nung sumasamba sila with a dance ritual. sa orig shaider, eerie-creepy ang pagkakamount. sa zaido, parang dance number. na nabitin pa kasi nag-commercial na.

wala lang, like a true-blue fan of the orig, nakaka-disappoint. kasi nako-compare ko. kaya hindi ko na tinapos. kung meron mang magandang merits ang zaido beyond the first and second bodies, di ko na nasaksihan, kasi nilipat ko na sa lastikman.

first body lang ng lastikman ang napanood ko. in fairness. keri ko ang mahabang bridge fight sequence. efek kung efek. crush ko din tong si vhong navarro noon (makakatrabaho ko sya! yahoo!), pero hindi naman talaga ang ka-pogian (?!) ni vhong ang shinoshowcase sa lastikman. which sits well with me, kasi la naman ako paki. haha. interesting ang first body pero kinailangan ko nang bumili ng pan-de-pugon, so di ko na sya tinapos.

hahay. sarap lang maglagi sa bahay. at manood ng tv. pero talagang hindi ako fan ng tv e. hindi ko nga matapos-tapos ang kahit isang show. maigsi attention span ko.

bukas, pasok sa school. yehey. this time sana freshness naman ako for a change. kaya matutulog na ko.

goodnight world!