on my home last night, nag-pipe in ang kantang ito through the cab stereo. bigla akong natulala. ang ganda ng boses. ang ganda ng music. ang ganda ng lyrics. na-transport ako sa isang alternate time and place na alien sa realidad ko ngayon. bigla kong naisip ang isang ideal, fictional, more perfect-than-perfect na tao na matagal ko nang kilala sa utak ko pero di ko kilala sa totoong buhay. at habang tumutugtog ang kantang ito, na-realize ko na sa isang alternate universe, yung klase ng lalakeng yon ang tipong mamahalin ko nang sobra pa sa dapat, because he's perfect. mabuti na lang walang ganong klaseng lalake sa totoong buhay, dahil nakakatakot.
pero yung lyrics, mas rooted in reality. i can see myself singing this song to someone i really, really love. wala pa akong "sophia" sa ngayon pero bukod pa ron, halos lahat ng lyrics, swak.
i love!
shinare ko na lang ang link ng kanta. mas maganda kasi yung solo piano version. mas clean, mas ethereal.
SOPHIA
by Nerina Pallot
Five o’ clock and a fire escape symphony
Spilling out across the road and the square
And the sky’s the same as your own, do you think of me?
Do the parks and trees and the leaves reach you there?
After the rain, in the lonely hours he haunts me....
Calling out, again, and again....
Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning
It’s a fire, a fire I cannot put out.
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things
I can’t go without
And one of those is him.
And now I walk these streets like a stranger in my home town,
Learn the language, form the words when I speak.
But he changed me, I’m his ghost since he came around
Now I count the hours, and the days and the weeks.....
In passion and silence,
Every word, every line a measure
It’s the science of the soul.
And his books, they breathe a reason
And now, I want to know.....
Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning
It’s a fire, a fire I cannot put out.
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things
I can’t go without
And one of those is him.
And you, with your new born eyes,
Have you ever loved a man like I love him?
Do you hurt, but still feel alive
Like never before?
Oh Sophia! Sophia!
Sophia, Sophia, I’m burning, I’m burning
It’s a fire, a fire I cannot put out.
Sophia, Sophia, I’m learning that some things
I can’t go without
I can’t go without him.
note to self: i HAVE to write about this whirlwind week as soon as it's over. may isang araw pa, and i HAVE to finish work today. para sunday, pahinga.
HOY! ALAS-SINGKO NA!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Saturday, August 08, 2009
weekend
i won't have a weekend this week.
today will be scripting day til tomorrow afternoon. i MUST find time to finish my shotlist for monday's shoot. therefore, i MUST start writing NOW, as in NOW NA, para matapos ko ang script tomorrow afternoon at magawa ko na uli ang shotlist. HAY.
teka, magkakape muna ako. at magyoyosi ng isa.
today will be scripting day til tomorrow afternoon. i MUST find time to finish my shotlist for monday's shoot. therefore, i MUST start writing NOW, as in NOW NA, para matapos ko ang script tomorrow afternoon at magawa ko na uli ang shotlist. HAY.
teka, magkakape muna ako. at magyoyosi ng isa.
Thursday, August 06, 2009
stormy day
sinasabayan ko ang bagyo ng panahon,in more ways than one.
busy. and sad. but i'm too busy to be sad. as i'm writing, nasa lockin ako. bukas, may alas-9 ng umaga ako.
bahala na. parang nakakasikip pala ng dibdib.
too busy to be sad. too busy to be sad.
busy. and sad. but i'm too busy to be sad. as i'm writing, nasa lockin ako. bukas, may alas-9 ng umaga ako.
bahala na. parang nakakasikip pala ng dibdib.
too busy to be sad. too busy to be sad.
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
6 days before shoot
and the day job beckons.
had a lockin meeting for the youth show all afternoon and evening while cast auditions were being held at the UP campus. 4 auditonees, all of which i hadn't seen. i wish we had more time to advertise this day.
just almost got home, and there's another round of auditions tomorrow. i really hope the ones who will come will finally complete my shortlist. no time to advertise. sana naman may mga pumuntang tama.
cast. must be final (as per me) tomorrow. cast presentation on wednesday.
location. must complete within the next three days. we're still two locations away from completion.
shotlist. hay. must find time to start it tomorrow.
script. final revisions due tomorrow evening.
shooting schedule. parang dapat unahin ko muna to kesa sa shotlist. dang. will do this tomorrow while waiting for auditionees.
i have to pray. everyday.
and tomorrow evening is free. still thinking if i should crash at a friend's place so i can make it on time for wednesday's early-bird meeting with client. should list down all concerns.
wednesday. early-bird meeting in the morning, brief debriefing with staff after, lockin for the youth show in the afternoon and evening.
thursday and friday. scripting. good luck to me on this. lord, help me.
saturday. final prod meet for 1st shooting day. omg. parang ang lapit na. help me, lord. will continue shotlist work.
sunday. continue shotlist work.
monday. grind. we have 24 hours for approximately 20 sequences on a two-cam setup. lord, help me. ngayon lang ako magtu-two-cam setup sa tanang life ko.
and the worst way to cap a tiring day is to do so with a petty fight.
too tired to fight it out. too busy to be angry. too bored to be bothered. we all need little ripples in the water every once in a while. if the water doesn't calm, i'm throwing my oars away. at least for this week.
when i was younger, i was idealistic. i wanted to give the best. i wanted to be given the best. madali din akong ma-sway. madali akong ma-influence ng herd.
hanggang ngayon, minsan, dala-dala ko pa yon. kahit irrational. kahit unreasonable.
pag unreasonable ang galit ko, hindi ko mailabas. kasi maling ilabas. dahil maaapektuhan at maaapektuhan ang mga tao sa paligid ko. pero bigyan mo lang ako ng kahit maliit na stimulus, just enough reason for me to justify my expression of anger, kakagatin ko. dahil hangga't nasa loob sya, kailangan at kailangan ko pa ring ilabas.
ngayon, pag pinatulan ng tao, hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero there's this weird sense of...satiation. na at least, narinig ako, at nag-react. na ngayon, pwede na kong manahimik, dahil nabigyan na ko ng catharsis. and it will be the first and last time i'll ever say anything about the issue.
minsan nag-iisip ako ng mga nababasa ko sa libro. tapos darating ako sa punto na magtatanong ako, am i being treated right? shouldn't i be treated better? bakit si ganito, ganyan. bakit ako, hindi? namumuo ang discontent, along with the questions. namumuo ang doubts. and fears. kaya minsan may mga moments na out of the blue, magugulat na lang ang mga tao sa kin dahil bigla akong maiiyak. tatawanan ako, at sasabihin na drama queen ako.
paano ko ba masasabi sa kanila na idealist ako? na sucker ako sa mga fantasies na pinroject ng mga idealists na katulad ko sa mga sinusulat nila? na kailangan kong makakita ng island sa horizon, para malaman ko kung may pupuntahan nga ba ako? na in that way, kahit idealist ako, umaandar ang pagiging segurista ko? mahirap ba kong ispellingin para sa mga taong realistic, logical, at hindi mahilig/marunong magbasa ng subtext sa kilos at salita ng ibang tao? kailangan ko bang diretsuhin, na alam ko namang hindi ko magagawa, because doing so will cause a whole lot of complicated consequences?
pano ko sasabihin na minsan, A does not lead to B, but sometimes A+B-C/DxE leads to F? unfair, irrational. dahil hindi naman lahat ng tao pareho ng takbo ng utak ko. pwedeng hindi sila agree sa perception ko ng maganda, at para sa kanila, ang status quo ay maganda na. at hindi sila basta basta magbibitiw ng salita hangga't hindi nila mapapangatawanan ng gawa.
that's a what-if scenario. or maybe that's the truth, and that's what my logical self says. pero ang isang side ko, naiisip na tama ang mga nababasa ko. tama ang mga pangarap ko. tama lang na maghangad ako ng islang na makakapitan while sailing in these uncertain, unpredictable waters. na kung hindi ibibigay, there's something wrong. and that's where my discontent, my anger, my frustrations begin.
ang ideal, i-discuss in an open forum. pero that's not the way it goes in this case. it's good to be open, pero may mga bagay ka pa rin na hindi masasabi. tulad ng pag tinanong ka ng boyfriend mo kung gusto mong bigyan ka nya ng bulaklak, at hindi mo masasabing "oo". dahil gusto mo, ibigay nya sa yo nang kusa, na manggaling sa kanya ang initiative.
siguro para sa ibang tao, this way of thinking doesn't make sense. pero ganun ako e. tatanggapin ko na lang. either they'll figure me out, or i'll figure out a way to deal with reality.
hay. bahala na si batman.
that out, i can sleep. a happy busy work week awaits.
had a lockin meeting for the youth show all afternoon and evening while cast auditions were being held at the UP campus. 4 auditonees, all of which i hadn't seen. i wish we had more time to advertise this day.
just almost got home, and there's another round of auditions tomorrow. i really hope the ones who will come will finally complete my shortlist. no time to advertise. sana naman may mga pumuntang tama.
cast. must be final (as per me) tomorrow. cast presentation on wednesday.
location. must complete within the next three days. we're still two locations away from completion.
shotlist. hay. must find time to start it tomorrow.
script. final revisions due tomorrow evening.
shooting schedule. parang dapat unahin ko muna to kesa sa shotlist. dang. will do this tomorrow while waiting for auditionees.
i have to pray. everyday.
and tomorrow evening is free. still thinking if i should crash at a friend's place so i can make it on time for wednesday's early-bird meeting with client. should list down all concerns.
wednesday. early-bird meeting in the morning, brief debriefing with staff after, lockin for the youth show in the afternoon and evening.
thursday and friday. scripting. good luck to me on this. lord, help me.
saturday. final prod meet for 1st shooting day. omg. parang ang lapit na. help me, lord. will continue shotlist work.
sunday. continue shotlist work.
monday. grind. we have 24 hours for approximately 20 sequences on a two-cam setup. lord, help me. ngayon lang ako magtu-two-cam setup sa tanang life ko.
and the worst way to cap a tiring day is to do so with a petty fight.
too tired to fight it out. too busy to be angry. too bored to be bothered. we all need little ripples in the water every once in a while. if the water doesn't calm, i'm throwing my oars away. at least for this week.
when i was younger, i was idealistic. i wanted to give the best. i wanted to be given the best. madali din akong ma-sway. madali akong ma-influence ng herd.
hanggang ngayon, minsan, dala-dala ko pa yon. kahit irrational. kahit unreasonable.
pag unreasonable ang galit ko, hindi ko mailabas. kasi maling ilabas. dahil maaapektuhan at maaapektuhan ang mga tao sa paligid ko. pero bigyan mo lang ako ng kahit maliit na stimulus, just enough reason for me to justify my expression of anger, kakagatin ko. dahil hangga't nasa loob sya, kailangan at kailangan ko pa ring ilabas.
ngayon, pag pinatulan ng tao, hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero there's this weird sense of...satiation. na at least, narinig ako, at nag-react. na ngayon, pwede na kong manahimik, dahil nabigyan na ko ng catharsis. and it will be the first and last time i'll ever say anything about the issue.
minsan nag-iisip ako ng mga nababasa ko sa libro. tapos darating ako sa punto na magtatanong ako, am i being treated right? shouldn't i be treated better? bakit si ganito, ganyan. bakit ako, hindi? namumuo ang discontent, along with the questions. namumuo ang doubts. and fears. kaya minsan may mga moments na out of the blue, magugulat na lang ang mga tao sa kin dahil bigla akong maiiyak. tatawanan ako, at sasabihin na drama queen ako.
paano ko ba masasabi sa kanila na idealist ako? na sucker ako sa mga fantasies na pinroject ng mga idealists na katulad ko sa mga sinusulat nila? na kailangan kong makakita ng island sa horizon, para malaman ko kung may pupuntahan nga ba ako? na in that way, kahit idealist ako, umaandar ang pagiging segurista ko? mahirap ba kong ispellingin para sa mga taong realistic, logical, at hindi mahilig/marunong magbasa ng subtext sa kilos at salita ng ibang tao? kailangan ko bang diretsuhin, na alam ko namang hindi ko magagawa, because doing so will cause a whole lot of complicated consequences?
pano ko sasabihin na minsan, A does not lead to B, but sometimes A+B-C/DxE leads to F? unfair, irrational. dahil hindi naman lahat ng tao pareho ng takbo ng utak ko. pwedeng hindi sila agree sa perception ko ng maganda, at para sa kanila, ang status quo ay maganda na. at hindi sila basta basta magbibitiw ng salita hangga't hindi nila mapapangatawanan ng gawa.
that's a what-if scenario. or maybe that's the truth, and that's what my logical self says. pero ang isang side ko, naiisip na tama ang mga nababasa ko. tama ang mga pangarap ko. tama lang na maghangad ako ng islang na makakapitan while sailing in these uncertain, unpredictable waters. na kung hindi ibibigay, there's something wrong. and that's where my discontent, my anger, my frustrations begin.
ang ideal, i-discuss in an open forum. pero that's not the way it goes in this case. it's good to be open, pero may mga bagay ka pa rin na hindi masasabi. tulad ng pag tinanong ka ng boyfriend mo kung gusto mong bigyan ka nya ng bulaklak, at hindi mo masasabing "oo". dahil gusto mo, ibigay nya sa yo nang kusa, na manggaling sa kanya ang initiative.
siguro para sa ibang tao, this way of thinking doesn't make sense. pero ganun ako e. tatanggapin ko na lang. either they'll figure me out, or i'll figure out a way to deal with reality.
hay. bahala na si batman.
that out, i can sleep. a happy busy work week awaits.
Saturday, August 01, 2009
swamped. but happy. and hopeful.
sana walang magsasapaw sa mga schedules in the next three weeks. lalo na next week. please, lord. please, please.
hopeful din, na sana this will bring lucrative results for me. but first and foremost, sana magawa ko ang lahat nang mahusay. at the very least, mahusay sa mga mata ng mga taong magja-judge. kahit hindi na sa mga mata ko.
sana, sana lord.
i remember a happy memory. 2002. i was getting a haircut. i texted someone who'd interviewed me for a job. i asked if there was any news yet. (sidenote: na-realize ko, ang lakas pala ng loob (ang tapang ng apog) ko noon, texting the boss herself para lang magtanong tungkol sa application ko. haha).
and then, just as the haircut was almost done, the reply came. "our HR department will get in touch with you soon. (smiley)"
napangiti ako noon. wala namang ni-reveal ang message nya, but the smiley at the end said it all. i was happy. triumphant. i had a feeling that i got the job, and the feeling was priceless. priceless joy.
siguro ganito ang nararamdaman ng mga lalakeng sinagot ng nililigawan nila. ang saya lang, para kang nanalo sa lotto, minus the money. kasi gustong-gusto ko yung trabahong pinag-applyan ko. at binuhos ko ang lahat para lang masiguradong matatanggap ako. eventually, natanggap nga ako. and it became my entry-level job sa kumpanyang pinagtatrabahuhan ko ngayon. and the person i had texted then, she became my first boss. maraming bumps on the road at maraming humbling experiences akong naranasan throughout my 15-month stay sa posisyon na yon, pero all that hasn't lessened the goldenness of that smiley-text memory. that was awesome.
bigla ko lang naalala. gusto kong maramdaman uli yung ganung feeling. not in the same context, of course. pero basta, yung ganung feeling. triumphant joy. a "yes!" kind of moment.
hay. ang sarap matulog lang sa bahay ngayon. ang ganda ganda ng panahon. pero ang daming trabaho. tonight, tomorrow, monday, all week next week. not complaining. pero sana magkaroon naman ako ng enough time para makapagpaparlor soon. baka sakaling makatanggap uli ako ng text message na may good-news smiley sa dulo. haha.
naaalala ko yung isang beses na umattend ako ng isang showbiz awards night dahil nanalo ng award ang isang project ko. naiyak ako that night and everyone thought it was because of the award. ang hindi nila alam, naiyak ako sa tuwa dahil hindi ko in-expect na isa pala sa mga performers sa awards night na yun ang uber-crush kong rapper dude, and at some point in the show we even shared the stage. awww. isa pang priceless feeling. nakakahiyang aminin, pero parang mas mabigat pa ang impact seeing him than accepting the award. minsan talaga, love can be the bane of my career's existence. haha.
pero ang lason sa isang bagay na waring importante sa yo, kung nakakabuti naman sa pagkatao mo, okay na rin. hayaan mo nang mamatay yung isa, kung mabubuhay ka naman nang wala siya.
basta, wherever happiness lies, dun ako.
hopeful din, na sana this will bring lucrative results for me. but first and foremost, sana magawa ko ang lahat nang mahusay. at the very least, mahusay sa mga mata ng mga taong magja-judge. kahit hindi na sa mga mata ko.
sana, sana lord.
i remember a happy memory. 2002. i was getting a haircut. i texted someone who'd interviewed me for a job. i asked if there was any news yet. (sidenote: na-realize ko, ang lakas pala ng loob (ang tapang ng apog) ko noon, texting the boss herself para lang magtanong tungkol sa application ko. haha).
and then, just as the haircut was almost done, the reply came. "our HR department will get in touch with you soon. (smiley)"
napangiti ako noon. wala namang ni-reveal ang message nya, but the smiley at the end said it all. i was happy. triumphant. i had a feeling that i got the job, and the feeling was priceless. priceless joy.
siguro ganito ang nararamdaman ng mga lalakeng sinagot ng nililigawan nila. ang saya lang, para kang nanalo sa lotto, minus the money. kasi gustong-gusto ko yung trabahong pinag-applyan ko. at binuhos ko ang lahat para lang masiguradong matatanggap ako. eventually, natanggap nga ako. and it became my entry-level job sa kumpanyang pinagtatrabahuhan ko ngayon. and the person i had texted then, she became my first boss. maraming bumps on the road at maraming humbling experiences akong naranasan throughout my 15-month stay sa posisyon na yon, pero all that hasn't lessened the goldenness of that smiley-text memory. that was awesome.
bigla ko lang naalala. gusto kong maramdaman uli yung ganung feeling. not in the same context, of course. pero basta, yung ganung feeling. triumphant joy. a "yes!" kind of moment.
hay. ang sarap matulog lang sa bahay ngayon. ang ganda ganda ng panahon. pero ang daming trabaho. tonight, tomorrow, monday, all week next week. not complaining. pero sana magkaroon naman ako ng enough time para makapagpaparlor soon. baka sakaling makatanggap uli ako ng text message na may good-news smiley sa dulo. haha.
naaalala ko yung isang beses na umattend ako ng isang showbiz awards night dahil nanalo ng award ang isang project ko. naiyak ako that night and everyone thought it was because of the award. ang hindi nila alam, naiyak ako sa tuwa dahil hindi ko in-expect na isa pala sa mga performers sa awards night na yun ang uber-crush kong rapper dude, and at some point in the show we even shared the stage. awww. isa pang priceless feeling. nakakahiyang aminin, pero parang mas mabigat pa ang impact seeing him than accepting the award. minsan talaga, love can be the bane of my career's existence. haha.
pero ang lason sa isang bagay na waring importante sa yo, kung nakakabuti naman sa pagkatao mo, okay na rin. hayaan mo nang mamatay yung isa, kung mabubuhay ka naman nang wala siya.
basta, wherever happiness lies, dun ako.
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