there's something about going public that irks me

it makes me want to hibernate. so i'm gonna say bah-bye to this blog for now. i'd much rather be anonymous, really. thank you very much.

this point in my life is not the best time to slow down

dahil mahaba pa ang tatahakin ko, career-wise. marami pang bigas ang kakainin, so the cliche goes. marami pa kong kailangang aralin. and i'm not even halfway There.

so dapat at this point, all systems go pa rin ako. make or break. puyatan kung puyatan. arangkada kung arangkada.

kaso. ito. nararamdaman ko na. may nagi-impose ng sariling curfew sa katawan ko. pati psyche ko naaapektuhan. all of a sudden nararamdaman ko ang nararamdaman ng isang taong pagarahe na. pota, ayoko pa! it's a temporary state yes but even after this temporary state, things will never be f***ng the same. EVER.

and it fills me with fear as my worst, pessimist moments, perhaps more than it fills me with joy when i'm all sunshiney mahoney. parang i'm giving up something. yeah, yeah in exchange for a miracle. yeah yeah. don't get me wrong. i love it. but sometimes i'm torn between loving it and loving the life i'm about to leave behind.

so you think i'm emotionally unready? maybe, maybe not. you can always use THAT as an excuse. but nothing will really prepare you for it except when you're forced to actually face it.

so sulat na, b1tch. ano pang sinisintir sintir mo dito. ~whiplash! whiplash!~

gusto kong maging patok jeepney

yung mapula ang ilaw, maingay ang stereo, at parang naka-drugs kung humarabas sa daan. at haharabas lang ako papunta sa destinasyon ko, walang keber sa dadaanan, never looking back, throwing all caution to the wind.

and then before i know it, i'm there. DONE. pressing send.

kung pwede lang na ganon. humarabas na lang at gumogogogo. saka na lang lumingon pag tapos na. hindi titigil ever hanggat hindi tapos na. potaena.

kumusta naman ang sinisipon kong ilong na barado ang kaliwang nostril at running man naman ang kanan. sabi ng nanay ko patingin na daw ako sa doktor. delikado daw. antay ka lang doc, bibisitahin din kita. haharabas lang ako. with some measure of careful scrutiny pa rin. dahil hindi ko kayang humarabas ng wa care. mabigat sa dibdib.

kumusta naman ang jowang bukas lang yata ang day off? at kung kelan naman siya free saka naman ako kailangang pumasada/lumabada? hindi na ko nagreply sa text nya. bukas na lang. buong araw ko syang hindi nakausap at ipokrita naman ako kung sasabihin kong wala lang sa akin. i'm starting to wish i could turn back time and go back to that moment when i said, "bakit di mo tinanggap? sayang." i would take it back. take it all back. di ko alam if my opinion did make a difference like what he would claim. he blamed me for reconsidering. pero sana, sana. sana hindi na lang. selfish as that may sound. i'm just longing for some speed right now. speed and galing. that's the dope.

dim bulb. bzzt-zzzt-zzzt.

pet peeve day

i hate...
hot days.
hot nights.
peacocks.
peeps with bullhorns.
people who always have their pics taken from one angle.
pusakals who could impregnate my pet cat.
bad dreams.
sleepy me.
nasty me.
procrastinasty me.
fatty me.
sinigang that ain't sour enough.
busybodies.

my new sideline

yep, i'm selling bras, mga overrun from marks and spencer factories abroad. same quality for a much cheaper price, with a wide variety of styles and colors!







(photos courtesy of olive ranido)

i'm use these bras myself so i can vouch for their good fit, durability, and UNWAVERING support. haha. so if you or know anyone who might be interested, drop me a note, text me at 0915989-6965 or send them a link to this blog. cheap prices will vary depending on how many pieces you purchase :-)

we told them today

and she cried. demanded on my behalf. i bridled her. i knew she had my best interests at heart. but i don't want to bully anyone.

so there. it's over. ilang buwan kong pinag-isipan ang moment na iyon. finally, it's done. i can come out now.

i cried buckets today. didn't want to break anyone's heart. least of all mine.

the future is uncertain, and i know it's gonna be rough for me. pero kakapit tayo babe. everything has been and will always be for you, anyway.

thank you lord

for the two-day rest. for the three-day out-of-town vacation. for payday today.
so many things to thank god for, still. kahit masama ang umaga ko.

* * *

the ilocos vacation merits a separate entry. dahil sobrang extensive/intensive ng experience na yon. it was much more fun than our first ilocos visit last year dahil walang tinik ng trabaho sa dibdib the whole time i was there (may trabaho, yes, pero tinapos ko na pagbalik ko dito sa manila). plus the fact na mas marami kami (this year kasama sina penguin at caloy, unlike last year na twinbill loveteams lang kami...threesome loveteams na ngayon..yihee monj). so bilang marami akong pwedeng ikwento tungkol sa ilocos vacay, i'll stop right here. and give a day-by-day action-packed account later.

* * *

i'm more emotional lately. i should bridle myself. i can't always make my hormones as an excuse. but it's really strange, fascinating, in fact, how short my fuse is lately. i'd literally feel the blood rising up to my head. so yeah, i should bridle myself.

* * *

pag naiinis ako, nagsisisi ako. nagwi-wish ako na sana hindi na lang. dahil kung hindi, hindi pa malayo ang pangarap kong makapagbikini sa beach. hindi ko kailangang bumili ng bagong wardrobe. hindi ako sasabihan ng sarili kong nanay na "mukha ka nang nanay" sa laki ng pinagbago ng itsura ko (yeah, she ACTUALLY said that. HMPF). pag naiinis ako, i resent things. out of spite. out of anger. unfair and hurtful to the innocent, yes, but i can't help it. i'm angry e. i give myself 5 minutes to just be unrepentantly angry. 5, 10. maybe even 15, pag nasa bahay ako at walang ibang maaapektuhan. and when i'm angry i resent things, because i feel TRAPPED. TRAPPED. TRAPPED.

and i miss my old life. how back then the possibilities would be limitless and there would always be a choice and, at times like these, i could afford to sit back and ponder my endless options. and yes, bail if i want to. just run, if i need to.

pero ngayon, hindi na. pero okay lang. dahil lilipas din to. dahil ang inis ko, lilipas din. and i'll be back to realizing how lucky and blessed i am. that there are wonderful things to look forward to.

just give me 5 more minutes.